Halfway 3/3
Title: Halfway
Pairing: Yunho/Changmin
Summary: They are a happy couple and their love is strong, even when Changmin's father falls ill, Changmin discovers he doesn't know Yunho as well as he thought and he gets to know himself better than he wants.
Warning: Angst and secondary character death, hopefully balanced by cuddly Yunho.
A/N: A long final chapter and my apologies for the delay, again. I'm sorry if I worried you. Really cool scientists have chosen me to join them on an expedition to an arctic island in August, so I'm great, just a little busy.
Changmin isn't someone to jump to conclusions, especially when it concerns the person he's come to trust with all his heart. He doesn't think Yunho would hide something important from him, but he is curious, so he puts the garment - he thinks it is a sleeveless top - aside to ask him about it later.
Yunho brings home a present again that evening. This time it's not food but the news that his niece has decided to hire Changmin. Well, she wants to meet him to discuss it, but Yunho assures him that she sounded very excited about having a professional manage the financial aspect of her new business.
"We should go out for dinner to celebrate," Yunho says with a big smile. And then: "If you want," carefully observing Changmin's reaction.
"Yes," Changmin smiles back, "we should." He doesn't want everything to be influenced by his sadness about his father.
"Tomorrow?"
"I thought you were going dancing tomorrow," Changmin says.
"I can go another time."
The mention of Yunho's dancing reminds Changmin of his discovery of that afternoon, because he imagines the top is something certain people would wear to gay bars. He gets it from where he left it on the table and holds it up in front of Yunho.
"I was cleaning our room and found this in your drawer. Care to explain?" He says it with a bit of a grin. He expects some funny anecdote, maybe about how Yunho lost a bet in college and his friends made him wear this. As soon as he looks up and sees Yunho's expression, however, his smile falls.
"Where did you find that?" The shock in Yunho's eyes is replaced by a guarded look that Changmin has never seen before, frankly, it scares him.
"Like I said.. in your drawer."
"It's not mine," Yunho says.
"I didn't think it was. Why do you have it?"
"I.. don't know. Maybe Junsu left it here? He has friends who are crazy enough to wear stuff like that."
Changmin frowns. "Could be, but why would he put it there?" He never thought this would be such a big deal. Really, it's just a glittery top. Yunho could have laughed about it and said anything and it would have been fine. But he is acting strange, looking all serious, and now he's blaming Changmin's friend. Junsu is their mutual friend, but Changmin knew him first, so it feels personal.
"Well, I don't know," Yunho says. "I'm going to take a shower. Tell me when dinner is ready?"
Changmin is suddenly alone, standing in the kitchen with the thin piece of fabric still in his hand, it's nothing, really. But Yunho lied to him about it. He straight up lied to him. It takes Changmin a while to realise, because he doesn't think it's ever happened before. And it can't have, if Yunho is this bad at it.
They eat dinner in silence. Changmin knows he'll sound like an obsessive boyfriend if he keeps asking, and like he's imagining things because he doesn't trust Yunho enough. He wasn't actively trying to come up with explanations in his head before, but he is now.
After dinner Yunho drinks his tea sitting on the couch, watching TV. Changmin doesn't join him, emptying kitchen counters instead.
Yunho turns around during a commercial break. "Haven't you been cleaning all day? I'm sure the kitchen can wait until tomorrow."
"I'm in a cleaning mood," Changmin replies.
"Is something wrong?" Yunho asks.
"No. I'm fine." Changmin doesn't believe that Yunho doesn't know why he's acting like this. He doesn't want to be the one to bring it up again. His stubbornness kicks in. Yes, he wants Yunho to at least admit that he's keeping something from him.
He knows he's exaggerating, but in his mind Yunho wants him to stop cleaning because he doesn't want him to find anything else, more evidence of.. of what? An affair? Just the thought is ridiculous, and yet a sliver of doubt manages to tighten Changmin's chest. So much for not jumping to conclusions.
"I'm going to bed," Yunho says. "It's been a long day at work. Don't forget our dinner tomorrow. You decide where."
Changmin watches him get up and walk to the bedroom, waiting, but Yunho doesn't say anything else, and when Changmin joins him in bed an hour later, he's fast asleep.
Changmin wakes up slowly. When he reaches the point when he isn't completely aware of his surroundings yet, but he can sense the warmth of Yunho's body still lying beside him, he opens his eyes.
Yunho, whose hair always looks unfairly sexy when he's just woken up, smiles at him. "Good morning." There is a hidden message in the way he says the words. Changmin can also tell from the look in his eyes how much Yunho wants him right now.
Morning sex is a rare occurrence. It's not long ago that Changmin's job required him to get out of bed early every weekday. And Yunho often worked evening or night shifts during weekends, which meant he was exhausted in the morning. But these days Yunho has the weekends off and Changmin hardly works at all.
Changmin doesn't oppose the idea. He lazily returns the smile and lets Yunho kiss him and push him onto his back. He tastes mint when he licks his lips, which means Yunho sneaked into the bathroom to get rid of his morning breath when he woke up first. That's cheating - Changmin wants to smell nice too even if Yunho says he doesn't mind -, but he lets it slide today.
"Good morning," he returns with that early morning rasp in his voice.
Yunho's lips brush over his neck and chest. The first touches tickle, the next send waves of warmth through Changmin's body, especially when he feels the wetness of Yunho's tongue on one of his nipples. His muscles tense, then relax and he closes his eyes again. He lets his hands roam over the naked skin of Yunho's back. It's a great way to wake up.
He was still partly asleep until now, but slowly, he becomes aware of an uncomfortable feeling in the back of his mind. There was something he was upset about last night. Just when Yunho's fingers brush over the skin below his belly button, he remembers. The shock of the realisation makes him move his hands to Yunho's shoulders and push.
Yunho immediately stops what he was doing and gives him a questioning look.
"Not now," Changmin simply says. "I'm not in the mood."
He's aware that he's contradicting himself and his body's response, but he still refuses to act like nothing happened yesterday.
Yunho looks very confused, and a little hurt. He must think he's done something wrong just now, and not interpreted Changmin's response correctly. But he would never protest when Changmin tells him no. It's happened before. "Okay," he says. He moves away and gets out of the bed, his erection visible through his sweatpants. "I'll go make breakfast then." Changmin even feels a little guilty when he watches him, and frustrated with himself for ruining what could have been the best morning in a long time.
During breakfast he decides that Yunho really isn't the kind of person to do something stupid and lie to him about it. Perhaps the story behind the top is just so embarrassing that he doesn't want to talk about it, and Changmin overreacted.
"Are your headaches back?" Yunho asks.
"No." Changmin suddenly feels the need to come up with a good excuse. "I'm just.. I keep thinking about how little time I have left with my father." It's not a complete lie.
Yunho gives him a genuinely sympathetic look. Changmin feels bad. It must have been hard on him too, the way Changmin has been acting lately, not just today. He knows he's been.. a difficult partner ever since he started speaking with his father again.
"Will you visit him again today?" Yunho asks.
Changmin nods.
"Then I'll finish cleaning the kitchen." Yunho smiles and gestures at the mess Changmin made when he emptied the cupboards and cleaned them but went to bed without putting everything back.
Yunho is always so understanding and perfect. Changmin almost blurts out that he loves him, but yesterday's incident is still just a little too fresh in his memory. He'd never seen that expression on Yunho before and it scared him, however innocent the reason behind it might be.
Changmin has grown to like his father again. He's almost returned to that boy he was before with his favourite parent, but he can't go back completely. There is one big obstacle in the way of their relationship and it isn't the years they spent not talking to each other. It's Yunho.
Changmin has learned that he doesn't really care anymore what his father thinks about homosexuality in general. He's given up on being accepted for who he is. It seems that it's such a strange and unnatural concept in his parent's minds that they're not likely to understand it in this lifetime.
But he still wants his father to change his mind about Yunho. If someone could grant him one wish, he would ask for his father to welcome Yunho into the family, or at least acknowledge him as a decent man, to call him by his name and without any negative connotation. It can't be impossible. Yunho is such a good person, there is no reason for anyone to hate him.
He won't ask his father to understand completely, he'll just ask him to meet them somewhere in the middle, maybe not even halfway. Just.. a little closer than this.
His father is alone today. Changmin's mother refused to leave the hospital after the doctor told them it was better for his father to stay. Every day they expected his condition to suddenly worsen. But when that didn't happen, she started going back to her own neglected life every now and then, mostly because he tells her to.
Changmin greets his father and asks him how he's doing, but his father only wants to talk about his workshop.
"It won't be easy to find a successor," Changmin says. They have been trying to find and contact people who are practising or interested in the craft. There aren't many.
"But if I find someone, you'll help them with their finances, right?" his father says.
"I will," Changmin promises.
His father nods. It's a rare sign of approval.
"I want you to meet Yunho," Changmin says, suddenly, without an introduction to the subject, because he knows his father would have cut him off immediately.
"Who?" his father says, but it's clear he knows. He is just playing Changmin's game.
"The person I live with, the person I love," Changmin says, without looking away. He purposely avoids the word man, although he knows that only makes it more obvious.
"Why do you want me to meet.. him?" his father asks, his face unreadable. "You know how I feel. What do you want me to do?"
"I want you to see that he is a good person," Changmin says, "that there is nothing wrong or unnatural about him and that he loves me. I just want to show you.. I'm not asking for you to change your mind, but I still hope you will."
His father scoffs. "It wouldn't change a thing. I can promise you that. A good person? Are you sure? Would a good person walk into this room pretending not to know who I am? Practically lying to my face? I'm sure he told you he meant well, but I do not like to be lied to."
The room goes so quiet that Changmin can hear his heart beating in his chest. "What do you mean?"
"He hasn't told you?" his father asks. "Well, I'm not surprised. But I'm not stupid. I know male nurses are rare, and you probably think I don't, but I know his name and so does your mother. It was blatantly obvious how he tried to get close to me and asked about you. I asked another nurse, and she told me he's not even supposed to be in uniform these days, that he is in charge of the schedule and gave himself extra shifts in this room. And now you're telling me you weren't in on it?" He scoffs. "What else is your boyfriend hiding from you?"
Changmin doesn't know what to say. He never imagined Yunho would try to meet his father behind his back. He knows he meant well, of course, he knows what Yunho tried to do, but apparently so does his father, and it had the opposite effect. Changmin isn't mad at Yunho for trying, not even for failing, but he is hurt that he did it without telling him.
"Were you very angry? Did you yell at him?" he asks carefully.
His father makes an exaggerated sound of disbelief. "Me? I never said anything. I'm still waiting for him to come forward and show remorse, both for approaching me like that and convincing you to move in with him."
Changmin doesn't know what to say. He wants to think that the fact that his father hasn't stopped Yunho from coming here means he is giving him a chance, but that doesn't seem very likely.
His father breaks the silence by coughing loudly, once, twice, and then he can't seem to stop. He covers his mouth with his hand but Changmin has already seen the blood. He jumps out of his chair and calls for help. The unfamiliar female nurse who shows up a few moments later ushers him outside.
Changmin calls his mother and waits. He briefly wonders if Yunho would have come if this had been his shift, or if he would have sent someone else so Changmin wouldn't find out what he'd been up to. But mostly he worries that this was his last conversation with his father.
His mother arrives not ten minutes later. She must have been a danger to traffic at that speed. Changmin feels bad for scaring her, especially since he doesn't have anything to tell her yet. They wait in silence in the hallway, holding each other's hands and feeling closer than they ever have before, until someone finally approaches to tell them what is going on.
"Is he.." Changmin doesn't finish the sentence on purpose, and the nurse understands.
"It's not that bad yet. We've given him something stronger for the pain, but he's stable. I wouldn't worry if you have somewhere else to be. We'll contact you when his condition changes. For now, he needs rest."
Changmin has a headache. He's pretty sure now that they're caused by stress, or they're really a bad omen like Yunho's grandmother or whoever used to say. He's decided to go home, because his father might still live another week and sitting in the hospital and doing nothing will drive him insane.
Yunho is folding laundry. He looks up when Changmin comes in and smiles. "Hey. How is-"
"I'm sure you know how he is because I hear you've been seeing him a lot lately," Changmin snaps. His headache and watching his father fade away doesn't improve his willingness to forgive Yunho for lying to him, twice, apparently.
Yunho lowers the shirt he's holding and looks at him. "Changmin?"
"My father knows, and he doesn't like that you knew who he was and pretended to be just another nurse. He dislikes you even more than before he'd met you, so good job there."
Yunho stands up. "Changmin... I'm sorry. I thought that maybe if he could get to know me without knowing my connection to you he'd be more accepting.."
"Well he isn't, and I don't understand why you kept this from me!" Changmin says. He feels mostly hurt but he sounds angry.
Yunho looks guilty and sad. "I wasn't sure you'd agree," he says, "I didn't want you to have even more to worry about. You always said.. I really didn't think he'd recognise me."
"Why.. why did you want him to accept you so badly?" Changmin says. He knows this is what he wants himself, but it concerns his father, and Yunho doesn't have the right to get involved like that and make things worse.
"Not me," Yunho says. "You. I want your father to accept you. You're with me like this and that's enough for me, but I know that you've never been completely comfortable with it."
Changmin is slightly taken aback by that. "What do you mean?" he says.
"It's like.." Yunho sighs. "It's like you've always been partly stuck in the closet, not inside anymore but not completely comfortable with being out either, at a halfway point. And I just thought you needed more time, but when you told me how much you loved your father I understood that had to be the reason. I just wanted to help, not for me, I swear, but because I can see it's making you unhappy."
Changmin doesn't want to hear Yunho say this. He knows it's true, and he did know Yunho noticed as well, but he liked pretending it was fine. It was so easy to just.. act like nothing was wrong.
"I'm not.." he can't finish the lie and starts again. "You don't have to help me with that. It's between me and my father."
"But I want to help you somehow," Yunho says. "Please, tell me what to do."
"I don't want to talk about this today," Changmin says, almost choking on the words.
Yunho is suddenly in front of him, looking concerned. "What's wrong? Did something else happen?"
Changmin wipes the tears from his cheeks. "He coughed up blood and they gave him stronger pain medication and I keep thinking he won't wake up again."
"Changmin.." Yunho says softly, arms raised for a hug. But Changmin cuts him off before he can say anything else. "I don't want your sympathy right now."
Yunho takes a step back when Changmin pushes him away. "Changmin," he says again. "I'm really sorry."
"Why did you lie to me about that top I found? I know you recognised it. Why did you deny that?"
Yunho freezes, his expression guarded. "Why are you bringing up.. is that why this morning.. are you angry about that?"
"Among everything else, yes," Changmin snaps. "And maybe you're right about my father and that he still influences my life, but I'm trying. You can't tell me I never tried to make this a normal relationship. I know you'd like to go out more, and for me to come along with you, I know. I'm trying."
"I know," Yunho says, "I know, baby, I know."
"I let you call me baby!" Changmin says, "I used to hate that so much, do you remember?"
Yunho looks so sad that Changmin notices despite his anger. "I know, please, I'm sorry."
Changmin tries to calm down and waits for his breathing to return to normal before he says: "Be honest with me, please. If you're hiding something else, I want to know. I don't care if it's embarrassing or painful. You know everything about me."
Yunho closes his eyes and lowers his head. Changmin holds his breath. 'There is something' he thinks. It feels like someone slapped his face. He'd really hoped it was nothing.
"It's mine," Yunho says after a while. "That top is mine. I wear it sometimes when I go dancing."
Changmin feels slightly relieved, breathes again. He doesn't really want to push Yunho away, despite being angry at him. He doesn't want to have another reason to be angry. "That's.. okay, isn't it? Sure, it's too tight and glittery for my taste and I'm not sure it really fits your age, but people wear things like that when they go out, right? I understand."
Yunho lifts his head and looks at him. "Not just that. I sometimes wear tight jeans with it, but often skirts.. and.. and stockings.. and heels."
Changmin takes a moment to process this. "You wear drag?" he says slowly. He wasn't expecting.. this. He really never thought.. He never... Did he hear that right? "When you go dancing? You-"
"On the stage," Yunho interrupts. He's still not looking at him. "I dance on the stage sometimes. Not as a professional act or anything and I don't get paid, but just for fun, because people like my dancing and asked."
Changmin needs more time. He's still trying to come up with a mental image of Yunho in a skirt and it's hard, partly because he doesn't want to imagine that. And then in front of people, a crowd of.. gay men. On a stage.
"I really didn't mean to keep it from you," Yunho says. "I meant to tell you right after our first dinner together, when you asked about my hobbies, and I thought I should get it out of the way and tell you. But I didn't want you to be turned off by that, and then I learned how much you're still struggling with accepting your sexuality and I just.. I was afraid to lose you."
"But.." Changmin says. "You kept doing it.. without telling me."
"I'm sorry," Yunho says. He's said it a lot during this conversation, and every time sounded like he meant it, but this one sounds the most sincere of all, and the most painful.
Yunho.. Yunho is his safety haven.. in charge of his sanity. Yunho is calm and comforting and perfect. Changmin knows Yunho.. he thinks he does, almost as well as Yunho knows him, which is incredibly well. So this can't be true, because his Yunho, the Yunho he knows, would never do.. that.
Changmin isn't quite sure what 'that' entails exactly, but he sort of pictures it as a flamboyant, colourful mess of inappropriate women's clothing being worn by men, followed by weird orgies with lots of foam and glitter and penises... and the mental image is almost hilarious, but picturing Yunho in the middle of it makes it equally terrifying, worse even.
He tries to stop his imagination and focus on Yunho's face, but he can't. He's projecting the images over it. "And that's what you were going to do tonight, if we hadn't made dinner plans?"
"It's only once in a while, and I love it so much," Yunho says carefully. "It's-"
"Dinner is cancelled," Changmin interrupts. He doesn't want to hear about how dressing like a woman makes Yunho happy. He's not ready for that. Will he ever be? "I thought I knew you," he says. "Apparently not. But now I'm not even sure I want to."
Yunho doesn't say anything. He just stands there with that look in his eyes, that caring look, like Changmin is his patient and he just needs to let him vent and then comfort him and everything will be fine. Or at least that's how Changmin always interprets it.
"I was doing fine before I met you," he says. "I don't need a nurse to fix me." It all feels so ridiculous. He has a sudden urge to laugh and fears he might be going insane. "Do you know I wanted to convince my father to meet you today? I wanted so much for him to like you. It upset him and he got worse and it turns out.. you're not even trying to be normal! And you don't trust me enough to be honest about it. Why did you come and turn my life upside down? Why didn't you just leave me alone? I was fine!"
"Changmin," Yunho says quietly. "You don't mean that."
Changmin is holding back too many emotions to be reasonable. Suddenly he is fuming. "Maybe I do!"
"I'm going to step outside for a moment," Yunho says. His face is tight. "I think you should calm down before you say things you'll regret."
Changmin hates that, when Yunho acts like the better man and steps away from an argument, right when Changmin thinks he finally got him angry too. "Don't bother coming back for dinner," he says.
Yunho turns and starts to walk away. He stops next to the cupboard that holds their first aid kit. "If you still have a headache-" he starts.
"I can take care of myself!"
When Yunho is gone, Changmin drops down on the couch and tries to make sense of everything he's just learned.
Can you be gay and homophobic?
Changmin has come to terms with the fact that men can fall in love with men, but does that mean they need to join parades wearing pink thongs to prove it? Somewhere he knows this is down to personal preference and it's really fine as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, but he doesn't like what it does to the reputation of gays in general. Anyway, even if he can live with this happening somewhere else, the thought that Yunho encourages it feels like someone turned his world upside down.
He feels betrayed, and scared, and disgusted, even though he hasn't even given Yunho a chance to explain exactly what the dancing entails, or to show him. He doesn't know. He's just letting his imagination run wild.
It is at this point that Changmin realises what he's doing.. what thoughts he is having.
He recognises it, because he is turning into his father.
It's Yunho he's thinking about. His Yunho. Forget the bigger picture. Yunho wouldn't do something that would hurt anyone, especially him. Not on purpose. Yunho is kind and.. sane.. and maybe not perfect, but more than good enough for him, better even than he probably deserves.
Changmin needs to find him. He needs to talk to him and clear things up before he makes everything worse. He knows, first hand, how it feels when the people you love don't even try to understand. He thinks of his relationship with his father and feels determined to never, ever do that to Yunho.
It's been hours since Yunho left already. Changmin doesn't know what happened to the time. He missed dinner, but that's not important. What's important is that Yunho left his phone. Changmin hears it ring in the kitchen. He almost calls the hospital, but that's stupid because why would Yunho come to work on the evening of his day off? After that he's out of ideas.
He knows some of Yunho's friends, but Yunho isn't the kind of person to show up at their houses uninvited to bother them with his relationship problems. Maybe he's on his own somewhere in a coffee shop or on a park bench, although Changmin doesn't think he's the person to sulk alone either.
Junsu would have known where he could be, and it would be so good to talk to Junsu right now. But Junsu is on the other side of the world and probably asleep. So Changmin calls Yunho's best friend instead.
"Why are you asking me? Did you have a fight?" is Hojun's response to his question.
"Yes," Changmin admits. He painfully clearly remembers saying he wished Yunho had never come into his life.
"Maybe if he's not answering his phone you should give him some space." Hojun says it like a friendly suggestion.
"No.. you don't understand. I need to make it up to him now, not later. I don't want to hurt him any more."
"Wow.. how bad was it? .. I guess it's none of my business. But I don't think he wants you to find him. If he is where I think he is."
"Where is he? Do you know?"
There is a silence.
"Please, Hojun, please." Changmin tries to think of a reason for Hojun's hesitance. "Is it.. because you think he's out dancing and he doesn't want me to see him like that?"
".. you know about that already?"
"Yes.." Changmin sighs. He's not surprised Hojun knows, but it does hurt a bit. "But he won't be in the mood for dancing today."
"Okay, but I think you're wrong. Dancing is his escape from the world. If he's hurt, that's what he'll be doing to deal with it."
Changmin still isn't convinced. But it can't hurt to try. It's the only lead he has. And he'll need to face this part of Yunho's life sometime soon anyway. "Where? I know it's not one of the places he sometimes asks me to to come along to."
"Okay.." Hojun says slowly, "I thought it was time you found out anyway. And you're not running away screaming so that's good. But if he's mad that I told you, you take responsibility."
Changmin hesitates in front of the neon sign. Of course this place is called Rainbow Bar, which is actually less bad than some of the things he was imagining.
He doesn't expect to find Yunho inside. But what if he does? He hasn't thought this through past this point.
A door opens and reveals a bald man in a tight black shirt and with tattoos all over his muscular arms. "Right here," he says. "Just ring the bell."
Changmin nods. He read the sign, but he was still gathering courage to press the button. The bouncer lets him in with a smile. It's just a kind gesture, flattering even, but Changmin still feels slightly uncomfortable. He blames it on the man's slightly intimidating look.
His first impression of a gay bar is that it's very.. normal. It's not filled with men in dresses or creepy old ones. There are some older men, but they seem kind rather than creepy. When he looks closely, he can see some men are wearing make-up, but he doesn't even stand out in his regular clothes.
There is a poster on the wall for the performance of a lesbian choir next week and there is nothing crazy or wild about it. The smiling women in the picture could be singing in a church at Christmas if the text didn't state otherwise.
Changmin looks further, past a bar and a dance floor. There is a small stage in the back, simple and intimate. It seems it's free for anyone to show off their dancing skills when there isn't a choir performing. There are some people on it now, cheered on by the people on the dance floor. Changmin slowly pushes his way though the crowd, through the haze of lights and loud music.
He thought Yunho wouldn't be here, but he was wrong.
He also thought that he wouldn't recognise him like this, since he had such a hard time imagining it. But that was stupid, of course. How could he not recognise the man he's been with for two years? Some make-up and a leopard print top won't change that.
The shorts and fishnet stockings make Changmin pause and swallow, hard, but even those are sculpted around Yunho's strong legs. The legs Changmin has explored with his mouth at times when he was feeling extra adventurous, though not often without the aid of some alcohol, he remembers with a pang of regret. Yunho has always been more assertive in bed.
Still, most of his attention is drawn by the way Yunho moves his body. Changmin has never seen it before, not like this. He's always known Yunho has a good sense of rhythm, but he's never seen him this.. free.
There is a smile on Yunho's face, like their argument never happened, and Changmin can't even be mad about it. He looks so.. confident and.. sexy? No, Changmin has a look at the stockings again and can't believe he's thinking this. He prefers Yunho in a suit, but he can't deny this does something to him as well."
Yunho reacts to people's responses to him, with a quick look or a smirk. Changmin feels a hint of jealousy, but he knows full well that if Yunho is in love with any of the men drooling at his feet here, he wouldn't have put up with him for so long.
Changmin stands between them, just a few steps away from the stage now. Yunho shows off, does a full body wave and a turn, and then their eyes meet.
Yunho freezes. Changmin also feels like he can't move. The music and lights and dancing continue around him as he watches Yunho's expression turn from happy to horrified. He doesn't know what to do about it. Then Yunho suddenly turns around and walks away, behind another dancer, off the stage, disappearing from Changmin's vision whenever there is someone in the way.
Changmin pushes through the crowd, keeping his eyes on the door he thinks Yunho disappeared through. He can't let him leave like that. He needs to get to him. He thinks he hurts some people by stepping on their feet and poking with his elbows but no one stops him.
There is no one guarding the door either. It leads to a hallway, small and dimly lit, with more doors. Changmin is about to try them all when he hears a sound and follows that instead.
An open door leads him into a small room with two couches, a dressing table and racks full of costumes. Yunho is on a couch, struggling with the laces on one of his army boots. He doesn't hear him come in, so Changmin stands awkwardly at the door for a moment, trying to find his voice, and eventually decides to knock.
Yunho jumps up when he sees him and takes a step backwards, like he's trying to escape, like he feels caught. He didn't want Changmin to see him like this.
"I'm sorry," Yunho stammers, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean.. right after we fought about this. It was going to be the last time. I was going to say goodbye and ask you to forgive me."
There are tears in his eyes. It's so rare to see Yunho cry. He looks so vulnerable and scared, the opposite of when he was dancing, the opposite of the Yunho Changmin fell in love with. And it's because of him.
"I believe you," Changmin says. "But you don't want it to be the last time."
Yunho looks confused, probably wondering if that was a question.
"You don't," Changmin says, "I can see you.. you love it, and it's part of you, and I shouldn't have the right to take that away from you."
Yunho looks stunned. "Changmin.." he says quietly, "what.."
"You were right. About what was holding me back.. and I don't.." Changmin feels tears welling up in his own eyes now. But this isn't the time to get emotional about his father. "I don't want to be like him."
Yunho is really crying now. Changmin swallows his own tears and looks around, finding a box of tissues on the dressing table. He pulls Yunho down on one of the couches and dabs his cheeks. "Don't.. ruin your make-up."
Changmin is grateful that Yunho hasn't overdone it with bright colours, but there is black and glitter around his eyes, and his lips.. god, his lips look delicious. Changmin is startled by his own thoughts.
Yunho sees him look and lowers his head.
"I was going to yell at you and say you should have told me right away, but I don't know how I would have reacted back then," Changmin says. "All I know is that I've loved you too long now to leave you over something like this."
Yunho looks up again with disbelief in his eyes. Changmin hates seeing him like this. He's always struggled with feeling like the weaker side in their relationship himself, less stable and confident, no matter how many times Yunho told him that wasn't true. Only now he realises that Yunho was right, and also how much he sometimes longs for Yunho's lead.
"But I need to know, just.. so I know..," Changmin says carefully. "Would you rather wear things like this all the time? Don't.. Don't say no because you're afraid of what I'll think, please, be honest."
Yunho was already shaking his head after Changmin's first sentence. "No," he says it calmly, looking into Changmin's eyes to show he means it. "No, that's not it. I like dressing like a man. I'm comfortable like that at work and with friends, but sometimes I just like to dress up and be.. pretty, or sexy.. this way. I'm not hiding the real me and escaping to it here, I like both. And I'm also very happy with my body. I don't want you to worry about that."
Changmin feels relieved, but it would have been hard to believe that Yunho is uncomfortable in his daily life anyway. He's always so confident and happy. Changmin feels like he's discovered a whole new side to him. It feels a little foreign but also good.
"You look good," he says.
Yunho's eyes widen.
Changmin is surprised himself, but he means it. "You looked better on stage, all confident, but you look good."
Yunho looks like he's about to cry again. "I never dared to hope.. Sometimes I thought maybe you could accept it, but I always thought you'd need a long time to get used to it."
"Maybe I do," Changmin says. "I honestly don't know. Ask me again tomorrow. But today I truly think you look good." He is glad to see Yunho smile again. "Will you dance for me?"
Changmin stands at the edge of the dance floor where it's a little calmer and no one expects him to have that sense of rhythm and degree of control over his body that's just not there. The drink in his hand is another excuse. His eyes are fixed on the stage, so he doesn't notice when someone approaches from behind.
"I haven't seen you here before. I would have remembered."
"I'm sorry," Changmin says, "I'm already taken. It's part of the reason I don't go out much."
He looks back to the stage where his eyes meet Yunho's. Yunho has slowed his movements to watch their conversation. Changmin gives him a reassuring smile.
"That sucks," the man says. "But you're here now," he still tries.
"Only to watch my man dance," Changmin says, not taking his eyes off Yunho.
Yunho stops dancing and walks to the edge of the stage where they're standing, then he holds out his hand. It takes Changmin by surprise. He understands that Yunho is trying to save him from being chatted up by someone else, but he doesn't really want to be up there.
The insecurity in Yunho's eyes convinces him. If Yunho is afraid that Changmin will just ignore him in this situation, pretend not to know him and reject the offer, he needs to prove him wrong. Feeling completely out of character, he gives his glass to the confused man behind him, takes the hand and lets Yunho pull him up.
He immediately hears cheering and catcalls, even some shouts of disappointment. It makes him realise how many people are watching. His hands are slightly sweaty when Yunho takes both of them and silently asks him to dance with him.
Yunho looks good. From up close the make-up looks a bit exaggerated, but Changmin strangely doesn't mind. Maybe it's because no amount of eyeliner can hide Yunho's actual eyes, which Changmin has learned how to read. And there is still some insecurity in them.
Yunho is afraid that he hates this, still afraid he'll get angry and leave. It's clear from the desperate pleading look he gives him when Changmin stops swaying to the music and lets go of him.
Changmin moves his hands to Yunho's shoulders, steps closer and kisses him.
Yunho freezes for a moment, a long moment, and then melts into the kiss. His hands move to Changmin's lower back, only touching loosely, but Changmin presses closer like he's being pulled anyway. Yunho tastes like fruity lipgloss and sexy man. He smells a little different, familiar, but mixed with something new that Changmin suspects is foundation or whatever you put on your face. It's not bad.
There is an explosion of cheers and shouting all around them, some people even applaud. The general feeling is very positive. Changmin feels a strong surge of happiness. He never expected this to happen, never dreamed he would ever feel this way. These people congratulate them on their relationship, applaud their show of affection.. He's never felt this accepted in his entire life.
| Two weeks later |
Changmin should have been suspicious from the moment his mother invited Yunho to the funeral. He hadn't read anything into it, except that maybe she realised that the man who had put up with her son's crying and mourning for two days straight deserved some respect.
Changmin was sure he wouldn't have made it this far without Yunho's support. Their talk about his dancing and cross dressing had been pushed back for now, but Changmin was confident it wouldn't ever be a reason for a break-up. Yunho was still the same man as before, still the same man Changmin would have proudly introduced to his parents and the man he couldn't live without.
His father never agreed to meeting Yunho officially, but in the end Changmin didn't care anymore. It wasn't that he gave up, but it just became less important than spending the last few days with his father in peace.
Yunho said that maybe he shouldn't go, but Changmin countered that if his mother invited him, it would only be rude to refuse, except if he really didn't want to.
Before he died, his father had even apologised for getting so worked up over Yunho's visits to his room, and at some point in that conversation, very quietly, may have called him a good nurse. Changmin decided he could live with that. It wasn't anywhere near meeting them halfway, but it was something, better than nothing.
So Yunho accompanies him to the funeral, holds his hand and silently helps Changmin deal with the stares of his family, even though it should probably be the other way around. And no one asks awkward questions or really makes it clear that they don't want him there.
But Changmin still doesn't expect anything more than that, at the end, when his mother walks up to them and speaks to Yunho directly.
"I'm glad you came," she says. "It's what he wanted."
Changmin can't believe what he is hearing, but before he has time to ask she turns to him and hands him a small box.
There is a look in her eyes, a familiar one. It means this is some father-son business she feels excluded from but she doesn't mind, because she'll never fully understand them anyway.
"And he wanted you to have this," she says. "Maybe I shouldn't have waited so long, but this.. felt like the right occasion."
Changmin doesn't know if he wants to open the box now, but his mother turns around and leaves it with him, just like that.
He feels the reassuring touch of Yunho's hand on his shoulder. "Do you want me to.."
"Stay," he says.
He has no idea what his father would leave him that isn't included in his will. His hands shake slightly as he opens the box. There is a note, unmistakably his father's handwriting. Changmin picks it up.
My son, I know I have caused you pain, and I am sorry. A father's first job should be to love and protect his children. I tried, but I couldn't understand you when I was alive. I know it's too late now, but let me at least be good father in death.
Changmin doesn't know what to make of that. Does that mean his father accepts him or not? He wants to curse him for leaving such a vague note when he's not around to explain it anymore, but part of him is happy that there is a note at all.
Below the note is the wallet which he recognises immediately. The wallet meant for him, for his marriage. Changmin hadn't expected to receive this anymore. He picks it up with mixed feelings. The leather is soft, the decoration simple and neat. He feels it with his thumb and imagines his father's hands making this, his father, proud and excited for his son's future.
Yunho's lightly squeezes his shoulder and Changmin hands him the note. "I don't know what it means," he says.
He looks at the wallet again and flicks it open. There is space for a small photo and words embossed in the leather above it. He turns it to read them.
he loves you. be happy.
Changmin looks at the words for a while, trying to convince himself that what he's seeing is real. His father would never refer to himself in third person, and the he isn't God either. It can only be the missing part of the note.
He drops his hands holding the box and the wallet and turns into Yunho's body, who doesn't ask questions but simply wraps his arms around him as Changmin cries against his shoulder.
| Part Two |
| Part One |
Pairing: Yunho/Changmin
Summary: They are a happy couple and their love is strong, even when Changmin's father falls ill, Changmin discovers he doesn't know Yunho as well as he thought and he gets to know himself better than he wants.
Warning: Angst and secondary character death, hopefully balanced by cuddly Yunho.
A/N: A long final chapter and my apologies for the delay, again. I'm sorry if I worried you. Really cool scientists have chosen me to join them on an expedition to an arctic island in August, so I'm great, just a little busy.
Changmin isn't someone to jump to conclusions, especially when it concerns the person he's come to trust with all his heart. He doesn't think Yunho would hide something important from him, but he is curious, so he puts the garment - he thinks it is a sleeveless top - aside to ask him about it later.
Yunho brings home a present again that evening. This time it's not food but the news that his niece has decided to hire Changmin. Well, she wants to meet him to discuss it, but Yunho assures him that she sounded very excited about having a professional manage the financial aspect of her new business.
"We should go out for dinner to celebrate," Yunho says with a big smile. And then: "If you want," carefully observing Changmin's reaction.
"Yes," Changmin smiles back, "we should." He doesn't want everything to be influenced by his sadness about his father.
"Tomorrow?"
"I thought you were going dancing tomorrow," Changmin says.
"I can go another time."
The mention of Yunho's dancing reminds Changmin of his discovery of that afternoon, because he imagines the top is something certain people would wear to gay bars. He gets it from where he left it on the table and holds it up in front of Yunho.
"I was cleaning our room and found this in your drawer. Care to explain?" He says it with a bit of a grin. He expects some funny anecdote, maybe about how Yunho lost a bet in college and his friends made him wear this. As soon as he looks up and sees Yunho's expression, however, his smile falls.
"Where did you find that?" The shock in Yunho's eyes is replaced by a guarded look that Changmin has never seen before, frankly, it scares him.
"Like I said.. in your drawer."
"It's not mine," Yunho says.
"I didn't think it was. Why do you have it?"
"I.. don't know. Maybe Junsu left it here? He has friends who are crazy enough to wear stuff like that."
Changmin frowns. "Could be, but why would he put it there?" He never thought this would be such a big deal. Really, it's just a glittery top. Yunho could have laughed about it and said anything and it would have been fine. But he is acting strange, looking all serious, and now he's blaming Changmin's friend. Junsu is their mutual friend, but Changmin knew him first, so it feels personal.
"Well, I don't know," Yunho says. "I'm going to take a shower. Tell me when dinner is ready?"
Changmin is suddenly alone, standing in the kitchen with the thin piece of fabric still in his hand, it's nothing, really. But Yunho lied to him about it. He straight up lied to him. It takes Changmin a while to realise, because he doesn't think it's ever happened before. And it can't have, if Yunho is this bad at it.
They eat dinner in silence. Changmin knows he'll sound like an obsessive boyfriend if he keeps asking, and like he's imagining things because he doesn't trust Yunho enough. He wasn't actively trying to come up with explanations in his head before, but he is now.
After dinner Yunho drinks his tea sitting on the couch, watching TV. Changmin doesn't join him, emptying kitchen counters instead.
Yunho turns around during a commercial break. "Haven't you been cleaning all day? I'm sure the kitchen can wait until tomorrow."
"I'm in a cleaning mood," Changmin replies.
"Is something wrong?" Yunho asks.
"No. I'm fine." Changmin doesn't believe that Yunho doesn't know why he's acting like this. He doesn't want to be the one to bring it up again. His stubbornness kicks in. Yes, he wants Yunho to at least admit that he's keeping something from him.
He knows he's exaggerating, but in his mind Yunho wants him to stop cleaning because he doesn't want him to find anything else, more evidence of.. of what? An affair? Just the thought is ridiculous, and yet a sliver of doubt manages to tighten Changmin's chest. So much for not jumping to conclusions.
"I'm going to bed," Yunho says. "It's been a long day at work. Don't forget our dinner tomorrow. You decide where."
Changmin watches him get up and walk to the bedroom, waiting, but Yunho doesn't say anything else, and when Changmin joins him in bed an hour later, he's fast asleep.
Changmin wakes up slowly. When he reaches the point when he isn't completely aware of his surroundings yet, but he can sense the warmth of Yunho's body still lying beside him, he opens his eyes.
Yunho, whose hair always looks unfairly sexy when he's just woken up, smiles at him. "Good morning." There is a hidden message in the way he says the words. Changmin can also tell from the look in his eyes how much Yunho wants him right now.
Morning sex is a rare occurrence. It's not long ago that Changmin's job required him to get out of bed early every weekday. And Yunho often worked evening or night shifts during weekends, which meant he was exhausted in the morning. But these days Yunho has the weekends off and Changmin hardly works at all.
Changmin doesn't oppose the idea. He lazily returns the smile and lets Yunho kiss him and push him onto his back. He tastes mint when he licks his lips, which means Yunho sneaked into the bathroom to get rid of his morning breath when he woke up first. That's cheating - Changmin wants to smell nice too even if Yunho says he doesn't mind -, but he lets it slide today.
"Good morning," he returns with that early morning rasp in his voice.
Yunho's lips brush over his neck and chest. The first touches tickle, the next send waves of warmth through Changmin's body, especially when he feels the wetness of Yunho's tongue on one of his nipples. His muscles tense, then relax and he closes his eyes again. He lets his hands roam over the naked skin of Yunho's back. It's a great way to wake up.
He was still partly asleep until now, but slowly, he becomes aware of an uncomfortable feeling in the back of his mind. There was something he was upset about last night. Just when Yunho's fingers brush over the skin below his belly button, he remembers. The shock of the realisation makes him move his hands to Yunho's shoulders and push.
Yunho immediately stops what he was doing and gives him a questioning look.
"Not now," Changmin simply says. "I'm not in the mood."
He's aware that he's contradicting himself and his body's response, but he still refuses to act like nothing happened yesterday.
Yunho looks very confused, and a little hurt. He must think he's done something wrong just now, and not interpreted Changmin's response correctly. But he would never protest when Changmin tells him no. It's happened before. "Okay," he says. He moves away and gets out of the bed, his erection visible through his sweatpants. "I'll go make breakfast then." Changmin even feels a little guilty when he watches him, and frustrated with himself for ruining what could have been the best morning in a long time.
During breakfast he decides that Yunho really isn't the kind of person to do something stupid and lie to him about it. Perhaps the story behind the top is just so embarrassing that he doesn't want to talk about it, and Changmin overreacted.
"Are your headaches back?" Yunho asks.
"No." Changmin suddenly feels the need to come up with a good excuse. "I'm just.. I keep thinking about how little time I have left with my father." It's not a complete lie.
Yunho gives him a genuinely sympathetic look. Changmin feels bad. It must have been hard on him too, the way Changmin has been acting lately, not just today. He knows he's been.. a difficult partner ever since he started speaking with his father again.
"Will you visit him again today?" Yunho asks.
Changmin nods.
"Then I'll finish cleaning the kitchen." Yunho smiles and gestures at the mess Changmin made when he emptied the cupboards and cleaned them but went to bed without putting everything back.
Yunho is always so understanding and perfect. Changmin almost blurts out that he loves him, but yesterday's incident is still just a little too fresh in his memory. He'd never seen that expression on Yunho before and it scared him, however innocent the reason behind it might be.
Changmin has grown to like his father again. He's almost returned to that boy he was before with his favourite parent, but he can't go back completely. There is one big obstacle in the way of their relationship and it isn't the years they spent not talking to each other. It's Yunho.
Changmin has learned that he doesn't really care anymore what his father thinks about homosexuality in general. He's given up on being accepted for who he is. It seems that it's such a strange and unnatural concept in his parent's minds that they're not likely to understand it in this lifetime.
But he still wants his father to change his mind about Yunho. If someone could grant him one wish, he would ask for his father to welcome Yunho into the family, or at least acknowledge him as a decent man, to call him by his name and without any negative connotation. It can't be impossible. Yunho is such a good person, there is no reason for anyone to hate him.
He won't ask his father to understand completely, he'll just ask him to meet them somewhere in the middle, maybe not even halfway. Just.. a little closer than this.
His father is alone today. Changmin's mother refused to leave the hospital after the doctor told them it was better for his father to stay. Every day they expected his condition to suddenly worsen. But when that didn't happen, she started going back to her own neglected life every now and then, mostly because he tells her to.
Changmin greets his father and asks him how he's doing, but his father only wants to talk about his workshop.
"It won't be easy to find a successor," Changmin says. They have been trying to find and contact people who are practising or interested in the craft. There aren't many.
"But if I find someone, you'll help them with their finances, right?" his father says.
"I will," Changmin promises.
His father nods. It's a rare sign of approval.
"I want you to meet Yunho," Changmin says, suddenly, without an introduction to the subject, because he knows his father would have cut him off immediately.
"Who?" his father says, but it's clear he knows. He is just playing Changmin's game.
"The person I live with, the person I love," Changmin says, without looking away. He purposely avoids the word man, although he knows that only makes it more obvious.
"Why do you want me to meet.. him?" his father asks, his face unreadable. "You know how I feel. What do you want me to do?"
"I want you to see that he is a good person," Changmin says, "that there is nothing wrong or unnatural about him and that he loves me. I just want to show you.. I'm not asking for you to change your mind, but I still hope you will."
His father scoffs. "It wouldn't change a thing. I can promise you that. A good person? Are you sure? Would a good person walk into this room pretending not to know who I am? Practically lying to my face? I'm sure he told you he meant well, but I do not like to be lied to."
The room goes so quiet that Changmin can hear his heart beating in his chest. "What do you mean?"
"He hasn't told you?" his father asks. "Well, I'm not surprised. But I'm not stupid. I know male nurses are rare, and you probably think I don't, but I know his name and so does your mother. It was blatantly obvious how he tried to get close to me and asked about you. I asked another nurse, and she told me he's not even supposed to be in uniform these days, that he is in charge of the schedule and gave himself extra shifts in this room. And now you're telling me you weren't in on it?" He scoffs. "What else is your boyfriend hiding from you?"
Changmin doesn't know what to say. He never imagined Yunho would try to meet his father behind his back. He knows he meant well, of course, he knows what Yunho tried to do, but apparently so does his father, and it had the opposite effect. Changmin isn't mad at Yunho for trying, not even for failing, but he is hurt that he did it without telling him.
"Were you very angry? Did you yell at him?" he asks carefully.
His father makes an exaggerated sound of disbelief. "Me? I never said anything. I'm still waiting for him to come forward and show remorse, both for approaching me like that and convincing you to move in with him."
Changmin doesn't know what to say. He wants to think that the fact that his father hasn't stopped Yunho from coming here means he is giving him a chance, but that doesn't seem very likely.
His father breaks the silence by coughing loudly, once, twice, and then he can't seem to stop. He covers his mouth with his hand but Changmin has already seen the blood. He jumps out of his chair and calls for help. The unfamiliar female nurse who shows up a few moments later ushers him outside.
Changmin calls his mother and waits. He briefly wonders if Yunho would have come if this had been his shift, or if he would have sent someone else so Changmin wouldn't find out what he'd been up to. But mostly he worries that this was his last conversation with his father.
His mother arrives not ten minutes later. She must have been a danger to traffic at that speed. Changmin feels bad for scaring her, especially since he doesn't have anything to tell her yet. They wait in silence in the hallway, holding each other's hands and feeling closer than they ever have before, until someone finally approaches to tell them what is going on.
"Is he.." Changmin doesn't finish the sentence on purpose, and the nurse understands.
"It's not that bad yet. We've given him something stronger for the pain, but he's stable. I wouldn't worry if you have somewhere else to be. We'll contact you when his condition changes. For now, he needs rest."
Changmin has a headache. He's pretty sure now that they're caused by stress, or they're really a bad omen like Yunho's grandmother or whoever used to say. He's decided to go home, because his father might still live another week and sitting in the hospital and doing nothing will drive him insane.
Yunho is folding laundry. He looks up when Changmin comes in and smiles. "Hey. How is-"
"I'm sure you know how he is because I hear you've been seeing him a lot lately," Changmin snaps. His headache and watching his father fade away doesn't improve his willingness to forgive Yunho for lying to him, twice, apparently.
Yunho lowers the shirt he's holding and looks at him. "Changmin?"
"My father knows, and he doesn't like that you knew who he was and pretended to be just another nurse. He dislikes you even more than before he'd met you, so good job there."
Yunho stands up. "Changmin... I'm sorry. I thought that maybe if he could get to know me without knowing my connection to you he'd be more accepting.."
"Well he isn't, and I don't understand why you kept this from me!" Changmin says. He feels mostly hurt but he sounds angry.
Yunho looks guilty and sad. "I wasn't sure you'd agree," he says, "I didn't want you to have even more to worry about. You always said.. I really didn't think he'd recognise me."
"Why.. why did you want him to accept you so badly?" Changmin says. He knows this is what he wants himself, but it concerns his father, and Yunho doesn't have the right to get involved like that and make things worse.
"Not me," Yunho says. "You. I want your father to accept you. You're with me like this and that's enough for me, but I know that you've never been completely comfortable with it."
Changmin is slightly taken aback by that. "What do you mean?" he says.
"It's like.." Yunho sighs. "It's like you've always been partly stuck in the closet, not inside anymore but not completely comfortable with being out either, at a halfway point. And I just thought you needed more time, but when you told me how much you loved your father I understood that had to be the reason. I just wanted to help, not for me, I swear, but because I can see it's making you unhappy."
Changmin doesn't want to hear Yunho say this. He knows it's true, and he did know Yunho noticed as well, but he liked pretending it was fine. It was so easy to just.. act like nothing was wrong.
"I'm not.." he can't finish the lie and starts again. "You don't have to help me with that. It's between me and my father."
"But I want to help you somehow," Yunho says. "Please, tell me what to do."
"I don't want to talk about this today," Changmin says, almost choking on the words.
Yunho is suddenly in front of him, looking concerned. "What's wrong? Did something else happen?"
Changmin wipes the tears from his cheeks. "He coughed up blood and they gave him stronger pain medication and I keep thinking he won't wake up again."
"Changmin.." Yunho says softly, arms raised for a hug. But Changmin cuts him off before he can say anything else. "I don't want your sympathy right now."
Yunho takes a step back when Changmin pushes him away. "Changmin," he says again. "I'm really sorry."
"Why did you lie to me about that top I found? I know you recognised it. Why did you deny that?"
Yunho freezes, his expression guarded. "Why are you bringing up.. is that why this morning.. are you angry about that?"
"Among everything else, yes," Changmin snaps. "And maybe you're right about my father and that he still influences my life, but I'm trying. You can't tell me I never tried to make this a normal relationship. I know you'd like to go out more, and for me to come along with you, I know. I'm trying."
"I know," Yunho says, "I know, baby, I know."
"I let you call me baby!" Changmin says, "I used to hate that so much, do you remember?"
Yunho looks so sad that Changmin notices despite his anger. "I know, please, I'm sorry."
Changmin tries to calm down and waits for his breathing to return to normal before he says: "Be honest with me, please. If you're hiding something else, I want to know. I don't care if it's embarrassing or painful. You know everything about me."
Yunho closes his eyes and lowers his head. Changmin holds his breath. 'There is something' he thinks. It feels like someone slapped his face. He'd really hoped it was nothing.
"It's mine," Yunho says after a while. "That top is mine. I wear it sometimes when I go dancing."
Changmin feels slightly relieved, breathes again. He doesn't really want to push Yunho away, despite being angry at him. He doesn't want to have another reason to be angry. "That's.. okay, isn't it? Sure, it's too tight and glittery for my taste and I'm not sure it really fits your age, but people wear things like that when they go out, right? I understand."
Yunho lifts his head and looks at him. "Not just that. I sometimes wear tight jeans with it, but often skirts.. and.. and stockings.. and heels."
Changmin takes a moment to process this. "You wear drag?" he says slowly. He wasn't expecting.. this. He really never thought.. He never... Did he hear that right? "When you go dancing? You-"
"On the stage," Yunho interrupts. He's still not looking at him. "I dance on the stage sometimes. Not as a professional act or anything and I don't get paid, but just for fun, because people like my dancing and asked."
Changmin needs more time. He's still trying to come up with a mental image of Yunho in a skirt and it's hard, partly because he doesn't want to imagine that. And then in front of people, a crowd of.. gay men. On a stage.
"I really didn't mean to keep it from you," Yunho says. "I meant to tell you right after our first dinner together, when you asked about my hobbies, and I thought I should get it out of the way and tell you. But I didn't want you to be turned off by that, and then I learned how much you're still struggling with accepting your sexuality and I just.. I was afraid to lose you."
"But.." Changmin says. "You kept doing it.. without telling me."
"I'm sorry," Yunho says. He's said it a lot during this conversation, and every time sounded like he meant it, but this one sounds the most sincere of all, and the most painful.
Yunho.. Yunho is his safety haven.. in charge of his sanity. Yunho is calm and comforting and perfect. Changmin knows Yunho.. he thinks he does, almost as well as Yunho knows him, which is incredibly well. So this can't be true, because his Yunho, the Yunho he knows, would never do.. that.
Changmin isn't quite sure what 'that' entails exactly, but he sort of pictures it as a flamboyant, colourful mess of inappropriate women's clothing being worn by men, followed by weird orgies with lots of foam and glitter and penises... and the mental image is almost hilarious, but picturing Yunho in the middle of it makes it equally terrifying, worse even.
He tries to stop his imagination and focus on Yunho's face, but he can't. He's projecting the images over it. "And that's what you were going to do tonight, if we hadn't made dinner plans?"
"It's only once in a while, and I love it so much," Yunho says carefully. "It's-"
"Dinner is cancelled," Changmin interrupts. He doesn't want to hear about how dressing like a woman makes Yunho happy. He's not ready for that. Will he ever be? "I thought I knew you," he says. "Apparently not. But now I'm not even sure I want to."
Yunho doesn't say anything. He just stands there with that look in his eyes, that caring look, like Changmin is his patient and he just needs to let him vent and then comfort him and everything will be fine. Or at least that's how Changmin always interprets it.
"I was doing fine before I met you," he says. "I don't need a nurse to fix me." It all feels so ridiculous. He has a sudden urge to laugh and fears he might be going insane. "Do you know I wanted to convince my father to meet you today? I wanted so much for him to like you. It upset him and he got worse and it turns out.. you're not even trying to be normal! And you don't trust me enough to be honest about it. Why did you come and turn my life upside down? Why didn't you just leave me alone? I was fine!"
"Changmin," Yunho says quietly. "You don't mean that."
Changmin is holding back too many emotions to be reasonable. Suddenly he is fuming. "Maybe I do!"
"I'm going to step outside for a moment," Yunho says. His face is tight. "I think you should calm down before you say things you'll regret."
Changmin hates that, when Yunho acts like the better man and steps away from an argument, right when Changmin thinks he finally got him angry too. "Don't bother coming back for dinner," he says.
Yunho turns and starts to walk away. He stops next to the cupboard that holds their first aid kit. "If you still have a headache-" he starts.
"I can take care of myself!"
When Yunho is gone, Changmin drops down on the couch and tries to make sense of everything he's just learned.
Can you be gay and homophobic?
Changmin has come to terms with the fact that men can fall in love with men, but does that mean they need to join parades wearing pink thongs to prove it? Somewhere he knows this is down to personal preference and it's really fine as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, but he doesn't like what it does to the reputation of gays in general. Anyway, even if he can live with this happening somewhere else, the thought that Yunho encourages it feels like someone turned his world upside down.
He feels betrayed, and scared, and disgusted, even though he hasn't even given Yunho a chance to explain exactly what the dancing entails, or to show him. He doesn't know. He's just letting his imagination run wild.
It is at this point that Changmin realises what he's doing.. what thoughts he is having.
He recognises it, because he is turning into his father.
It's Yunho he's thinking about. His Yunho. Forget the bigger picture. Yunho wouldn't do something that would hurt anyone, especially him. Not on purpose. Yunho is kind and.. sane.. and maybe not perfect, but more than good enough for him, better even than he probably deserves.
Changmin needs to find him. He needs to talk to him and clear things up before he makes everything worse. He knows, first hand, how it feels when the people you love don't even try to understand. He thinks of his relationship with his father and feels determined to never, ever do that to Yunho.
It's been hours since Yunho left already. Changmin doesn't know what happened to the time. He missed dinner, but that's not important. What's important is that Yunho left his phone. Changmin hears it ring in the kitchen. He almost calls the hospital, but that's stupid because why would Yunho come to work on the evening of his day off? After that he's out of ideas.
He knows some of Yunho's friends, but Yunho isn't the kind of person to show up at their houses uninvited to bother them with his relationship problems. Maybe he's on his own somewhere in a coffee shop or on a park bench, although Changmin doesn't think he's the person to sulk alone either.
Junsu would have known where he could be, and it would be so good to talk to Junsu right now. But Junsu is on the other side of the world and probably asleep. So Changmin calls Yunho's best friend instead.
"Why are you asking me? Did you have a fight?" is Hojun's response to his question.
"Yes," Changmin admits. He painfully clearly remembers saying he wished Yunho had never come into his life.
"Maybe if he's not answering his phone you should give him some space." Hojun says it like a friendly suggestion.
"No.. you don't understand. I need to make it up to him now, not later. I don't want to hurt him any more."
"Wow.. how bad was it? .. I guess it's none of my business. But I don't think he wants you to find him. If he is where I think he is."
"Where is he? Do you know?"
There is a silence.
"Please, Hojun, please." Changmin tries to think of a reason for Hojun's hesitance. "Is it.. because you think he's out dancing and he doesn't want me to see him like that?"
".. you know about that already?"
"Yes.." Changmin sighs. He's not surprised Hojun knows, but it does hurt a bit. "But he won't be in the mood for dancing today."
"Okay, but I think you're wrong. Dancing is his escape from the world. If he's hurt, that's what he'll be doing to deal with it."
Changmin still isn't convinced. But it can't hurt to try. It's the only lead he has. And he'll need to face this part of Yunho's life sometime soon anyway. "Where? I know it's not one of the places he sometimes asks me to to come along to."
"Okay.." Hojun says slowly, "I thought it was time you found out anyway. And you're not running away screaming so that's good. But if he's mad that I told you, you take responsibility."
Changmin hesitates in front of the neon sign. Of course this place is called Rainbow Bar, which is actually less bad than some of the things he was imagining.
He doesn't expect to find Yunho inside. But what if he does? He hasn't thought this through past this point.
A door opens and reveals a bald man in a tight black shirt and with tattoos all over his muscular arms. "Right here," he says. "Just ring the bell."
Changmin nods. He read the sign, but he was still gathering courage to press the button. The bouncer lets him in with a smile. It's just a kind gesture, flattering even, but Changmin still feels slightly uncomfortable. He blames it on the man's slightly intimidating look.
His first impression of a gay bar is that it's very.. normal. It's not filled with men in dresses or creepy old ones. There are some older men, but they seem kind rather than creepy. When he looks closely, he can see some men are wearing make-up, but he doesn't even stand out in his regular clothes.
There is a poster on the wall for the performance of a lesbian choir next week and there is nothing crazy or wild about it. The smiling women in the picture could be singing in a church at Christmas if the text didn't state otherwise.
Changmin looks further, past a bar and a dance floor. There is a small stage in the back, simple and intimate. It seems it's free for anyone to show off their dancing skills when there isn't a choir performing. There are some people on it now, cheered on by the people on the dance floor. Changmin slowly pushes his way though the crowd, through the haze of lights and loud music.
He thought Yunho wouldn't be here, but he was wrong.
He also thought that he wouldn't recognise him like this, since he had such a hard time imagining it. But that was stupid, of course. How could he not recognise the man he's been with for two years? Some make-up and a leopard print top won't change that.
The shorts and fishnet stockings make Changmin pause and swallow, hard, but even those are sculpted around Yunho's strong legs. The legs Changmin has explored with his mouth at times when he was feeling extra adventurous, though not often without the aid of some alcohol, he remembers with a pang of regret. Yunho has always been more assertive in bed.
Still, most of his attention is drawn by the way Yunho moves his body. Changmin has never seen it before, not like this. He's always known Yunho has a good sense of rhythm, but he's never seen him this.. free.
There is a smile on Yunho's face, like their argument never happened, and Changmin can't even be mad about it. He looks so.. confident and.. sexy? No, Changmin has a look at the stockings again and can't believe he's thinking this. He prefers Yunho in a suit, but he can't deny this does something to him as well."
Yunho reacts to people's responses to him, with a quick look or a smirk. Changmin feels a hint of jealousy, but he knows full well that if Yunho is in love with any of the men drooling at his feet here, he wouldn't have put up with him for so long.
Changmin stands between them, just a few steps away from the stage now. Yunho shows off, does a full body wave and a turn, and then their eyes meet.
Yunho freezes. Changmin also feels like he can't move. The music and lights and dancing continue around him as he watches Yunho's expression turn from happy to horrified. He doesn't know what to do about it. Then Yunho suddenly turns around and walks away, behind another dancer, off the stage, disappearing from Changmin's vision whenever there is someone in the way.
Changmin pushes through the crowd, keeping his eyes on the door he thinks Yunho disappeared through. He can't let him leave like that. He needs to get to him. He thinks he hurts some people by stepping on their feet and poking with his elbows but no one stops him.
There is no one guarding the door either. It leads to a hallway, small and dimly lit, with more doors. Changmin is about to try them all when he hears a sound and follows that instead.
An open door leads him into a small room with two couches, a dressing table and racks full of costumes. Yunho is on a couch, struggling with the laces on one of his army boots. He doesn't hear him come in, so Changmin stands awkwardly at the door for a moment, trying to find his voice, and eventually decides to knock.
Yunho jumps up when he sees him and takes a step backwards, like he's trying to escape, like he feels caught. He didn't want Changmin to see him like this.
"I'm sorry," Yunho stammers, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean.. right after we fought about this. It was going to be the last time. I was going to say goodbye and ask you to forgive me."
There are tears in his eyes. It's so rare to see Yunho cry. He looks so vulnerable and scared, the opposite of when he was dancing, the opposite of the Yunho Changmin fell in love with. And it's because of him.
"I believe you," Changmin says. "But you don't want it to be the last time."
Yunho looks confused, probably wondering if that was a question.
"You don't," Changmin says, "I can see you.. you love it, and it's part of you, and I shouldn't have the right to take that away from you."
Yunho looks stunned. "Changmin.." he says quietly, "what.."
"You were right. About what was holding me back.. and I don't.." Changmin feels tears welling up in his own eyes now. But this isn't the time to get emotional about his father. "I don't want to be like him."
Yunho is really crying now. Changmin swallows his own tears and looks around, finding a box of tissues on the dressing table. He pulls Yunho down on one of the couches and dabs his cheeks. "Don't.. ruin your make-up."
Changmin is grateful that Yunho hasn't overdone it with bright colours, but there is black and glitter around his eyes, and his lips.. god, his lips look delicious. Changmin is startled by his own thoughts.
Yunho sees him look and lowers his head.
"I was going to yell at you and say you should have told me right away, but I don't know how I would have reacted back then," Changmin says. "All I know is that I've loved you too long now to leave you over something like this."
Yunho looks up again with disbelief in his eyes. Changmin hates seeing him like this. He's always struggled with feeling like the weaker side in their relationship himself, less stable and confident, no matter how many times Yunho told him that wasn't true. Only now he realises that Yunho was right, and also how much he sometimes longs for Yunho's lead.
"But I need to know, just.. so I know..," Changmin says carefully. "Would you rather wear things like this all the time? Don't.. Don't say no because you're afraid of what I'll think, please, be honest."
Yunho was already shaking his head after Changmin's first sentence. "No," he says it calmly, looking into Changmin's eyes to show he means it. "No, that's not it. I like dressing like a man. I'm comfortable like that at work and with friends, but sometimes I just like to dress up and be.. pretty, or sexy.. this way. I'm not hiding the real me and escaping to it here, I like both. And I'm also very happy with my body. I don't want you to worry about that."
Changmin feels relieved, but it would have been hard to believe that Yunho is uncomfortable in his daily life anyway. He's always so confident and happy. Changmin feels like he's discovered a whole new side to him. It feels a little foreign but also good.
"You look good," he says.
Yunho's eyes widen.
Changmin is surprised himself, but he means it. "You looked better on stage, all confident, but you look good."
Yunho looks like he's about to cry again. "I never dared to hope.. Sometimes I thought maybe you could accept it, but I always thought you'd need a long time to get used to it."
"Maybe I do," Changmin says. "I honestly don't know. Ask me again tomorrow. But today I truly think you look good." He is glad to see Yunho smile again. "Will you dance for me?"
Changmin stands at the edge of the dance floor where it's a little calmer and no one expects him to have that sense of rhythm and degree of control over his body that's just not there. The drink in his hand is another excuse. His eyes are fixed on the stage, so he doesn't notice when someone approaches from behind.
"I haven't seen you here before. I would have remembered."
"I'm sorry," Changmin says, "I'm already taken. It's part of the reason I don't go out much."
He looks back to the stage where his eyes meet Yunho's. Yunho has slowed his movements to watch their conversation. Changmin gives him a reassuring smile.
"That sucks," the man says. "But you're here now," he still tries.
"Only to watch my man dance," Changmin says, not taking his eyes off Yunho.
Yunho stops dancing and walks to the edge of the stage where they're standing, then he holds out his hand. It takes Changmin by surprise. He understands that Yunho is trying to save him from being chatted up by someone else, but he doesn't really want to be up there.
The insecurity in Yunho's eyes convinces him. If Yunho is afraid that Changmin will just ignore him in this situation, pretend not to know him and reject the offer, he needs to prove him wrong. Feeling completely out of character, he gives his glass to the confused man behind him, takes the hand and lets Yunho pull him up.
He immediately hears cheering and catcalls, even some shouts of disappointment. It makes him realise how many people are watching. His hands are slightly sweaty when Yunho takes both of them and silently asks him to dance with him.
Yunho looks good. From up close the make-up looks a bit exaggerated, but Changmin strangely doesn't mind. Maybe it's because no amount of eyeliner can hide Yunho's actual eyes, which Changmin has learned how to read. And there is still some insecurity in them.
Yunho is afraid that he hates this, still afraid he'll get angry and leave. It's clear from the desperate pleading look he gives him when Changmin stops swaying to the music and lets go of him.
Changmin moves his hands to Yunho's shoulders, steps closer and kisses him.
Yunho freezes for a moment, a long moment, and then melts into the kiss. His hands move to Changmin's lower back, only touching loosely, but Changmin presses closer like he's being pulled anyway. Yunho tastes like fruity lipgloss and sexy man. He smells a little different, familiar, but mixed with something new that Changmin suspects is foundation or whatever you put on your face. It's not bad.
There is an explosion of cheers and shouting all around them, some people even applaud. The general feeling is very positive. Changmin feels a strong surge of happiness. He never expected this to happen, never dreamed he would ever feel this way. These people congratulate them on their relationship, applaud their show of affection.. He's never felt this accepted in his entire life.
| Two weeks later |
Changmin should have been suspicious from the moment his mother invited Yunho to the funeral. He hadn't read anything into it, except that maybe she realised that the man who had put up with her son's crying and mourning for two days straight deserved some respect.
Changmin was sure he wouldn't have made it this far without Yunho's support. Their talk about his dancing and cross dressing had been pushed back for now, but Changmin was confident it wouldn't ever be a reason for a break-up. Yunho was still the same man as before, still the same man Changmin would have proudly introduced to his parents and the man he couldn't live without.
His father never agreed to meeting Yunho officially, but in the end Changmin didn't care anymore. It wasn't that he gave up, but it just became less important than spending the last few days with his father in peace.
Yunho said that maybe he shouldn't go, but Changmin countered that if his mother invited him, it would only be rude to refuse, except if he really didn't want to.
Before he died, his father had even apologised for getting so worked up over Yunho's visits to his room, and at some point in that conversation, very quietly, may have called him a good nurse. Changmin decided he could live with that. It wasn't anywhere near meeting them halfway, but it was something, better than nothing.
So Yunho accompanies him to the funeral, holds his hand and silently helps Changmin deal with the stares of his family, even though it should probably be the other way around. And no one asks awkward questions or really makes it clear that they don't want him there.
But Changmin still doesn't expect anything more than that, at the end, when his mother walks up to them and speaks to Yunho directly.
"I'm glad you came," she says. "It's what he wanted."
Changmin can't believe what he is hearing, but before he has time to ask she turns to him and hands him a small box.
There is a look in her eyes, a familiar one. It means this is some father-son business she feels excluded from but she doesn't mind, because she'll never fully understand them anyway.
"And he wanted you to have this," she says. "Maybe I shouldn't have waited so long, but this.. felt like the right occasion."
Changmin doesn't know if he wants to open the box now, but his mother turns around and leaves it with him, just like that.
He feels the reassuring touch of Yunho's hand on his shoulder. "Do you want me to.."
"Stay," he says.
He has no idea what his father would leave him that isn't included in his will. His hands shake slightly as he opens the box. There is a note, unmistakably his father's handwriting. Changmin picks it up.
My son, I know I have caused you pain, and I am sorry. A father's first job should be to love and protect his children. I tried, but I couldn't understand you when I was alive. I know it's too late now, but let me at least be good father in death.
Changmin doesn't know what to make of that. Does that mean his father accepts him or not? He wants to curse him for leaving such a vague note when he's not around to explain it anymore, but part of him is happy that there is a note at all.
Below the note is the wallet which he recognises immediately. The wallet meant for him, for his marriage. Changmin hadn't expected to receive this anymore. He picks it up with mixed feelings. The leather is soft, the decoration simple and neat. He feels it with his thumb and imagines his father's hands making this, his father, proud and excited for his son's future.
Yunho's lightly squeezes his shoulder and Changmin hands him the note. "I don't know what it means," he says.
He looks at the wallet again and flicks it open. There is space for a small photo and words embossed in the leather above it. He turns it to read them.
he loves you. be happy.
Changmin looks at the words for a while, trying to convince himself that what he's seeing is real. His father would never refer to himself in third person, and the he isn't God either. It can only be the missing part of the note.
He drops his hands holding the box and the wallet and turns into Yunho's body, who doesn't ask questions but simply wraps his arms around him as Changmin cries against his shoulder.
| Part Two |
| Part One |