Birthday
I had a good birthday (Wednesday, I wrote this post last Thursday but never finished). The weather was amazing, for one. I didn't end up going to the ocean like I originally planned because I was running late. I decided to harvest all of my basil, because it has been growing over the past couple weeks and I want to give it a chance to grow more, and I made pesto by hand. I also had a couple other things I was doing around the house. I had gotten up at 9:30, but it's amazing how quickly 3 hours can fly by. I had been considering going to the beach with my roommate Julia if she got her work done in time, but by 12:40 when I asked her she didn't think she'd be able to go, and I realized I wasn't going to be able to make it to Crane Beach before 5. I looked at my map for the Middlesex Fells, and saw that swimming was prohibited, so there goes back up plan #1 (although apparently people swim there, anyway.) Back up plan #2 was a closer beach, like Revere, but I decided to call Anne and see what she was up to. Turns out she was on her way to Walden with her friend Nicole, and they were 10 minutes away from me.
So after frantically trying to clean up my mess and pack (and by frantic I mean throwing things around for about 5 minutes and ranting about having made a mistake saying I could be ready in 10 minutes), I was off to Walden Pond with a very patient Anne.
We went swimming. I accompanied Anne and Nicole about 1/3 of the way across the pond, then headed back and went for a long, meditative walk around the whole thing, stopping to meditate on a hillside in the forest overlooking the pond, at the far end from the main beach.
Here is what I wrote:
Contemplation at Walden, July 15, 2009.
Who am I?
An adult female
Of twenty-nine years
The same age as my mother
When she became my mother
She's now asking herself
The same question:
Who am I?
I am a girl
Sitting on a wooded hillside
Looking down on a pond
Breathing
Experiencing
Contemplating
I am a human
Appreciating the non-human
Pine and oak
Rippled water
Reflecting green, blue, and
Shining sparks of light
Dragonflies and chipmunks
Sun and shade.
I am so blessed
To live in such a world!
My body is strong
My spirit resilient
My heart loving
My mind open
I exist
I breathe
I breathe in:
It is a beautiful world;
I breathe out:
I am grateful.
My friends wait
But I am here.
I was stressed earlier
I threw things
I regretted decisions
I was not calm
I tried to breathe
But I just had to
Get through it.
Now: I am grateful
For good bug repellent
That I like
And mosquitoes don't.
Reread this journal
The past few months
Seem to have the same pattern:
I try to practice
Self-care and meditation
And when I get caught up
In difficult problems
I want to break
And get to return to
My practice.
None of it's that bad
Not anymore
I have a sense of boundaries
And how to maintain them
I don't always manage in the moment
But I eventually get there
And there IS a peace inside
An acceptance
A sense that everything
Really is okay.
I am so loved and supported
And I have a LOT of security
All my needs are met
Other than my need
For everyone else to be okay.
I get to start anew
Today
Right here
Without hitting bottom.
Shadows of leaves
Moving on tree trunks
The sun filtering through
This precious forest
Splashing in the water
And joyful voices
Bird song
And trains passing
This day is so precious
This life is so precious
This world is so precious
I don't need God
When there is sun and water
Air and trees.
Every breath
Is a miracle.
As long as I experience
This joy in living
I can find the strength
The WILL
To find the way.
Is my life
My core
Really this simple?
It is right now.
I can choose
PEACE
CALM
GRATITUDE
LOVE
What illusions trap me?
That there is no choice.
Helplessness is learned.
So is empowerment.
****
So back to that question:
Who am I?
I am love
I am light
I am here
And that's enough for right now.