Fic: the wind and sun are in the words you say
the wind and sun are in the words you say (ao3 link)
pairing/characters: Dean/Cas
rating: pg-13
word count: 2000
spoilers: alludes to major events from S1-S7
summary: Dean makes his own talismans, some that stay with him and some that don't, the most recent being a button off of Cas' trench coat after he saves it from the reservoir.
Dean Winchester has always been a big believer in talismans, both those imbued with dark, mystical powers, and those you make for yourself.
The first one he ever had was a small blue and white elephant that had come home from the hospital with him - a gift from one of his mom's friends from work. When he'd been scared of the dark and the strange shadows and sounds the trees made rapping against his window during a storm, his mom would tell him to hold his elephant (named Bill) extra tight and he'd keep him safe in the dark. He'd kept Bill for three and a half years, until his mom had come home from the hospital with a tiny, red faced baby and introduced him to his brother.
"It's dark in here," he says when his mom tucks Sam into his bassinet later that night. "Do you think Bill will keep him safe too?" he asks, offering up his beloved elephant.
His mom gives him a look that even then he could tell meant she was proud of him and a kiss on the forehead. "Yes, Dean, I think it will," she answers, tucking Bill in beside his baby brother.
The next talisman doesn't become important until after the nursery fire that claims his mom. Only part of the house had burned and while the nursery and rest of the upstairs were completely destroyed, some of their things downstairs were salvageable, like some of Dean's books and his backpack for pre-school, and a load of his laundry folded neatly in a clothes basket beside their washer and dryer downstairs.
His dad can't bring himself to go back in their house, but a well-meaning neighbor packs up what she can and delivers the things to the Winchesters at the motel they've been staying at. Among those things is one of Dean's favorite shirts - a pale blue teeshirt with a green dinosaur on the front - that had gotten a rip in the sleeve just a few weeks prior. He'd taken it to his mom, sobbing, and she had laughingly sewed it up to the best of her ability. His mom, so good at everything else like telling him bedtime stories and baking pie, was never much of a seamstress and the new seam left a puckered scar in the fabric along the right shoulder.
Dean had kept the shirt long after he'd outgrown it, running his fingers over that line of tight, upraised stitches, missing his mother more than anything. He'd lost the shirt when he was eight in a motel room they couldn't go back to after his dad had a run-in with the law while on a hunt. After that, he learns to keep his most important possessions on his body, like he does with the amulet he gets soon after from Sam at Christmas.
Things tend to come and go after that without Dean attaching much importance to them. He keeps what he can and doesn't shed any tears over what he loses. He probably overcompensates with the value that he places on his remaining family members, but who can blame him, really, when they're all he has left?
Years pass - ten and then twenty, and there are demons and angels and more destiny in Dean's life than he ever would have guessed and it turns out that the most powerful talisman of them all was the one they were driving in - the car they've had for years and the memories attached to it are what bring Sam back to himself when he's possessed by the devil himself and saves the world.
Dean tries to move on, he really does, but he's lost the most important people in the world to him - Sam to Hell, Cas to Heaven, and Bobby to Dean's own headstrong avoidance as he cuts the last few pieces of his old life from the new one he's trying (and mostly failing) to build. His world now is full of things - pictures on the fridge of him with Lisa and Ben, the new truck that Ben helps him fix up on the weekends, the bed that he shares each night with Lisa - but none of them can match up to the people that he's lost, so it's no surprise really that he leaves when Sam comes back.
When Cas dies and releases the Leviathans, a part of Dean feels inconsolable at the loss while another part doubts that he's really gone - this is, after all, the third time he's died and before he has always, always come back. He picks up Cas' trench coat because he can't not - leaving it there is simply not an option for him - and he stows it away in the trunk of the Impala both in dread and anticipation of the day that Cas comes back.
This does not, however, stop him from ripping off one of the tan buttons when Sam isn't looking and slipping it into his pocket. He hangs onto it for the rest of the year, rubbing his thumb back and forth over it's surface when he's sad or lonely, worried about his brother or just plain out of sorts.
When Dean finds Cas again, this man named Emanuel who doesn't remember a thing about Dean or Sam or what he truly is, Dean's heart beats so hard inside his chest, he feels as though it might explode. It's Cas' face, Cas' voice, but looking into his eyes and seeing another person there entirely, one who doesn't know him, doesn't feel anything for him when Cas has demonstrated so many different emotions towards him and evoked so many from Dean himself - it throws him, harder than the idea of Sam back in that mental hospital, slowly losing his mind.
He's angry with Cas, but also he missed him, and he returns the coat and forces Cas to remember him again - as well as who he is and what he's done.
They don't get a chance to talk again until Cas wakes up, slightly out of his mind and obsessed with insects or whatever (and that is a thing that Dean just does not get - Cas' passivity, sure, but aren't insects the most relentless of survivalists with all that being parasites and cannibals and what not? They don't seem like very good role models to Dean, is all he's saying).
When Cas comes to him, Dean is alone in his motel room, and that reminds him of so many of their past conversations. Cas' darting gaze, his inability to focus on one thing and one thing only, Dean in particular, is nothing like before.
"I seem to be missing a button from my coat," Cas says, fingering the cord for the blinds. "I thought perhaps you might know where it had disappeared too."
Dean studies him for a moment, notes Cas' refusal to look at him beyond the brief glance he'd spared him when he'd first appeared, debating whether or not to admit to taking the button or not. In the end, he sighs and heads for his wallet, laid out beside his keys and Sam's laptop on the long dresser on which the television and coffee pot rest, deciding to own up to it if only to get Cas to look at him.
"Here," Dean says, flipping open his wallet and pulling the button out of the credit card slot where he'd been storing it and holding it out to Cas. "You can have it back."
This does get the desired effect - Cas turns around and studies at him, his eyes glancing back and forth between Dean's proffered hand and his face, a look of indecision and confusion settling over his face. "I think you should keep it," he says after a moment's pause. "I did not realized you had placed such a high value on it."
Dean scowls at Cas' words and stretches his proffered hand closer towards Cas' own. "No," Dean tries to insist, but when Cas' hand reaches forward and brushes his fingers against Dean's, pushing the hand with the button back towards him, Dean falls silent. They stand like that for a long moment, Cas' hand resting lightly against Dean's before Dean sighs and pulls away, replacing the button in his wallet. "I suppose it's just as well. It's not like I would know how to sew it back on for you anyway," he says ruefully and is rewarded with a slight smile from Cas in return.
Cas' eyes are on his, that smile still resting lightly on his lips, and it's almost like old times again, but as the silence stretches on, Dean finds himself growing inordinately annoyed. He doesn't want to fall so easily back into this easy camaraderie that they shared, he wants Cas to remember that he's still angry at him, damnit. Cas had damn near destroyed the world twice, once opening the door to purgatory and again with the leviathans that he'd unwitting let out, not to mention that Cas had lied to him about working with Crowley.
"Was there something else you wanted?" Dean asks, his tone unintentionally snappish. He regrets it instantly, angry or not, when Cas' eyes slide away, his feet shuffling nervously in a way that is new - the old Cas had been economical in his movements, never restless, never doing anything unintentional. He may be angry, but he doesn't want Cas to simply flit off again if he raises his voice.
"I just…" Cas starts, clears his throat and tries again. "I only wondered if you were still displeased with me."
Dean looks away, drags his hand over his face, suddenly exhausted by this conversation. "I am angry, Cas," he says, "and at the same time I'm not. But what you did before? The lies… not coming to me for help, but going to Crowley of all people instead? I'm not gonna lie Cas, it hurt. But then, when you were missing and I thought you might be dead, again..." Dean reaches out a tentative hand, places it on Cas' shoulder. "I don't think I need to tell you what you mean to me."
Cas eyes slid back over, hesitant, to meet his own. "I don't understand…" he begins, but then his face clears. "Oh. Oh, you mean," he says, and moves closer, stopping inches away from Dean as Dean flushes crimson.
"Did you just read my mind?" Dean begins to demand, but when Cas licks a long swipe up his neck, ending with a soft nip along Dean's jaw that's nothing more than the mere impression of his teeth against his skin, Dean stutters to a halt.
This is something Dean wants to be flippant about, wants to brush Cas off and move on, but his heart is pounding in his chest in a way that feels dangerously fast and Cas lets his hand rest there for a moment, giving Dean a shy smile.
Dean swallows thickly. "If - Cas, if this is- you don't have to-" he starts, but he's interrupted by Cas' mouth, his tongue dipping boldly between Dean's lips.
"Dean, I am in love with you," Cas sighs, breath a warm caress against Dean's lips, when he breaks away thirty seconds or ten minutes later, Dean has no idea, his head is spinning from that kiss. "Does that assuage your doubts?"
"It'll do," Dean answers, voice wreaked - from just a kiss, what is he, a fucking teenager again? - but the small, shy smile that Cas flashes him makes up for it completely.
"This isn't… this isn't over," Dean warns between kisses. "Later, we're going to talk about things more, and there might be… there might be yelling. Me, at you."
"Hmm," Cas muses, lips moving down to suck a hickey against Dean's neck, "then it's in my best interests to make sure that you are in a thoroughly good mood when that time comes."
"Oh god," Dean moans happily, and those are the last words he speaks for quite some time.
pairing/characters: Dean/Cas
rating: pg-13
word count: 2000
spoilers: alludes to major events from S1-S7
summary: Dean makes his own talismans, some that stay with him and some that don't, the most recent being a button off of Cas' trench coat after he saves it from the reservoir.
Dean Winchester has always been a big believer in talismans, both those imbued with dark, mystical powers, and those you make for yourself.
The first one he ever had was a small blue and white elephant that had come home from the hospital with him - a gift from one of his mom's friends from work. When he'd been scared of the dark and the strange shadows and sounds the trees made rapping against his window during a storm, his mom would tell him to hold his elephant (named Bill) extra tight and he'd keep him safe in the dark. He'd kept Bill for three and a half years, until his mom had come home from the hospital with a tiny, red faced baby and introduced him to his brother.
"It's dark in here," he says when his mom tucks Sam into his bassinet later that night. "Do you think Bill will keep him safe too?" he asks, offering up his beloved elephant.
His mom gives him a look that even then he could tell meant she was proud of him and a kiss on the forehead. "Yes, Dean, I think it will," she answers, tucking Bill in beside his baby brother.
The next talisman doesn't become important until after the nursery fire that claims his mom. Only part of the house had burned and while the nursery and rest of the upstairs were completely destroyed, some of their things downstairs were salvageable, like some of Dean's books and his backpack for pre-school, and a load of his laundry folded neatly in a clothes basket beside their washer and dryer downstairs.
His dad can't bring himself to go back in their house, but a well-meaning neighbor packs up what she can and delivers the things to the Winchesters at the motel they've been staying at. Among those things is one of Dean's favorite shirts - a pale blue teeshirt with a green dinosaur on the front - that had gotten a rip in the sleeve just a few weeks prior. He'd taken it to his mom, sobbing, and she had laughingly sewed it up to the best of her ability. His mom, so good at everything else like telling him bedtime stories and baking pie, was never much of a seamstress and the new seam left a puckered scar in the fabric along the right shoulder.
Dean had kept the shirt long after he'd outgrown it, running his fingers over that line of tight, upraised stitches, missing his mother more than anything. He'd lost the shirt when he was eight in a motel room they couldn't go back to after his dad had a run-in with the law while on a hunt. After that, he learns to keep his most important possessions on his body, like he does with the amulet he gets soon after from Sam at Christmas.
Things tend to come and go after that without Dean attaching much importance to them. He keeps what he can and doesn't shed any tears over what he loses. He probably overcompensates with the value that he places on his remaining family members, but who can blame him, really, when they're all he has left?
Years pass - ten and then twenty, and there are demons and angels and more destiny in Dean's life than he ever would have guessed and it turns out that the most powerful talisman of them all was the one they were driving in - the car they've had for years and the memories attached to it are what bring Sam back to himself when he's possessed by the devil himself and saves the world.
Dean tries to move on, he really does, but he's lost the most important people in the world to him - Sam to Hell, Cas to Heaven, and Bobby to Dean's own headstrong avoidance as he cuts the last few pieces of his old life from the new one he's trying (and mostly failing) to build. His world now is full of things - pictures on the fridge of him with Lisa and Ben, the new truck that Ben helps him fix up on the weekends, the bed that he shares each night with Lisa - but none of them can match up to the people that he's lost, so it's no surprise really that he leaves when Sam comes back.
When Cas dies and releases the Leviathans, a part of Dean feels inconsolable at the loss while another part doubts that he's really gone - this is, after all, the third time he's died and before he has always, always come back. He picks up Cas' trench coat because he can't not - leaving it there is simply not an option for him - and he stows it away in the trunk of the Impala both in dread and anticipation of the day that Cas comes back.
This does not, however, stop him from ripping off one of the tan buttons when Sam isn't looking and slipping it into his pocket. He hangs onto it for the rest of the year, rubbing his thumb back and forth over it's surface when he's sad or lonely, worried about his brother or just plain out of sorts.
When Dean finds Cas again, this man named Emanuel who doesn't remember a thing about Dean or Sam or what he truly is, Dean's heart beats so hard inside his chest, he feels as though it might explode. It's Cas' face, Cas' voice, but looking into his eyes and seeing another person there entirely, one who doesn't know him, doesn't feel anything for him when Cas has demonstrated so many different emotions towards him and evoked so many from Dean himself - it throws him, harder than the idea of Sam back in that mental hospital, slowly losing his mind.
He's angry with Cas, but also he missed him, and he returns the coat and forces Cas to remember him again - as well as who he is and what he's done.
They don't get a chance to talk again until Cas wakes up, slightly out of his mind and obsessed with insects or whatever (and that is a thing that Dean just does not get - Cas' passivity, sure, but aren't insects the most relentless of survivalists with all that being parasites and cannibals and what not? They don't seem like very good role models to Dean, is all he's saying).
When Cas comes to him, Dean is alone in his motel room, and that reminds him of so many of their past conversations. Cas' darting gaze, his inability to focus on one thing and one thing only, Dean in particular, is nothing like before.
"I seem to be missing a button from my coat," Cas says, fingering the cord for the blinds. "I thought perhaps you might know where it had disappeared too."
Dean studies him for a moment, notes Cas' refusal to look at him beyond the brief glance he'd spared him when he'd first appeared, debating whether or not to admit to taking the button or not. In the end, he sighs and heads for his wallet, laid out beside his keys and Sam's laptop on the long dresser on which the television and coffee pot rest, deciding to own up to it if only to get Cas to look at him.
"Here," Dean says, flipping open his wallet and pulling the button out of the credit card slot where he'd been storing it and holding it out to Cas. "You can have it back."
This does get the desired effect - Cas turns around and studies at him, his eyes glancing back and forth between Dean's proffered hand and his face, a look of indecision and confusion settling over his face. "I think you should keep it," he says after a moment's pause. "I did not realized you had placed such a high value on it."
Dean scowls at Cas' words and stretches his proffered hand closer towards Cas' own. "No," Dean tries to insist, but when Cas' hand reaches forward and brushes his fingers against Dean's, pushing the hand with the button back towards him, Dean falls silent. They stand like that for a long moment, Cas' hand resting lightly against Dean's before Dean sighs and pulls away, replacing the button in his wallet. "I suppose it's just as well. It's not like I would know how to sew it back on for you anyway," he says ruefully and is rewarded with a slight smile from Cas in return.
Cas' eyes are on his, that smile still resting lightly on his lips, and it's almost like old times again, but as the silence stretches on, Dean finds himself growing inordinately annoyed. He doesn't want to fall so easily back into this easy camaraderie that they shared, he wants Cas to remember that he's still angry at him, damnit. Cas had damn near destroyed the world twice, once opening the door to purgatory and again with the leviathans that he'd unwitting let out, not to mention that Cas had lied to him about working with Crowley.
"Was there something else you wanted?" Dean asks, his tone unintentionally snappish. He regrets it instantly, angry or not, when Cas' eyes slide away, his feet shuffling nervously in a way that is new - the old Cas had been economical in his movements, never restless, never doing anything unintentional. He may be angry, but he doesn't want Cas to simply flit off again if he raises his voice.
"I just…" Cas starts, clears his throat and tries again. "I only wondered if you were still displeased with me."
Dean looks away, drags his hand over his face, suddenly exhausted by this conversation. "I am angry, Cas," he says, "and at the same time I'm not. But what you did before? The lies… not coming to me for help, but going to Crowley of all people instead? I'm not gonna lie Cas, it hurt. But then, when you were missing and I thought you might be dead, again..." Dean reaches out a tentative hand, places it on Cas' shoulder. "I don't think I need to tell you what you mean to me."
Cas eyes slid back over, hesitant, to meet his own. "I don't understand…" he begins, but then his face clears. "Oh. Oh, you mean," he says, and moves closer, stopping inches away from Dean as Dean flushes crimson.
"Did you just read my mind?" Dean begins to demand, but when Cas licks a long swipe up his neck, ending with a soft nip along Dean's jaw that's nothing more than the mere impression of his teeth against his skin, Dean stutters to a halt.
This is something Dean wants to be flippant about, wants to brush Cas off and move on, but his heart is pounding in his chest in a way that feels dangerously fast and Cas lets his hand rest there for a moment, giving Dean a shy smile.
Dean swallows thickly. "If - Cas, if this is- you don't have to-" he starts, but he's interrupted by Cas' mouth, his tongue dipping boldly between Dean's lips.
"Dean, I am in love with you," Cas sighs, breath a warm caress against Dean's lips, when he breaks away thirty seconds or ten minutes later, Dean has no idea, his head is spinning from that kiss. "Does that assuage your doubts?"
"It'll do," Dean answers, voice wreaked - from just a kiss, what is he, a fucking teenager again? - but the small, shy smile that Cas flashes him makes up for it completely.
"This isn't… this isn't over," Dean warns between kisses. "Later, we're going to talk about things more, and there might be… there might be yelling. Me, at you."
"Hmm," Cas muses, lips moving down to suck a hickey against Dean's neck, "then it's in my best interests to make sure that you are in a thoroughly good mood when that time comes."
"Oh god," Dean moans happily, and those are the last words he speaks for quite some time.