super junior: 我爱着你到永远 (i'll love you, forever)
我爱着你到永远 (i'll love you, forever)
fandom: super junior
pairing: qmi
rating: pg-13 (maybe?)
words: 4,595
slowly, gradually, kyuhyun (and with him, zhou mi) learns to be happy.
november ‘06
It’s six months after Kyuhyun’s debut, at a photoshoot of some sort, when they first meet. Kyuhyun’s eyes land on him before anything else-there’s something that sets him apart from the others, somehow. Maybe it’s just the way he carries himself, or maybe it’s how he keeps smiling at everyone, even the people who are only here to set up the lights; maybe it’s how he doesn’t speak to anyone, looking a little lost as he’s shoved into clothes and smothered in makeup. (Or maybe it’s because he looks so alone. Kyuhyun knows what it feels like to be alone.) But it doesn’t matter what it is. Kyuhyun can’t take his eyes off of him.
“Oh, right, that’s Joomyuk or Jomi or whatever his name is,” says one of the stylists when she sees Kyuhyun looking. “He’s new. From China. I heard he can’t even speak a single word of Korean.” The stylist laughs, and Kyuhyun smiles half-heartedly back at her in the mirror.
Kyuhyun looks over at him again-he’s being shoved into a pair of pants that are far too small, looking uncomfortable-and smiles, genuinely this time. He always has wanted to learn some Chinese.
When lunchtime rolls around, Kyuhyun plops himself down next to-Jomi, was it?-and cuts a piece of his pork chop off as Jomi watches him, looking both surprised and puzzled; the confusion on his face only grows when Kyuhyun holds the piece of meat he’s just cut out to him on his fork. Kyuhyun thinks of it as an offer of friendship. An olive branch. And when Jomi takes a bite, eats it right off the fork, Kyuhyun grins. Jomi beams back, brighter than the sun, and ridiculously, irrationally, Kyuhyun thinks he’s fallen a little bit in love.
december ‘06
Kyuhyun’s just about to walk into the dance practice room when he notices someone lingering hesitantly by the door. When he sees who it is, he grins and instead of going in to practice, Kyuhyun turns to him and says, “Hi.”
“Hello,” says Zhou Mi (it’s Zhou Mi, not Jomi-there’s a subtle difference, he’s learned). “I’m here for... dance?”
Zhou Mi’s Korean is surprisingly good, considering that he hasn’t been learning for too long. It’s very accented, but Kyuhyun thinks he likes it. At least he’s understandable.
“Are you practicing with us?” Kyuhyun asks. There isn’t any other reason why Zhou Mi would be here, unless he’s lost, which he hardly seems to be. But this doesn’t make any sense-Zhou Mi is just a trainee, so why would he be practicing with a group that’s already debuted?
A staff member passing by answers before Zhou Mi can. “They want him to try backup dancing. He’ll probably practice with you for the next couple of weeks. But it’s temporary-he’s here for singing, after all.”
Kyuhyun wonders what Zhou Mi would sound like singing alongside him, alongside Super Junior. A little part of him wants that to be reality.
Zhou Mi blinks, clearly hardly understanding a thing, and Kyuhyun grins and drags a very confused Zhou Mi into the practice room. He’s never liked dance practice, but he’s suddenly looking forward to it much more than usual. Although he is a little worried that with legs as long as those, Zhou Mi might be something of a disaster.
And a disaster he is. The fact that he hasn’t had much training and hasn’t practiced with any of Super Junior before isn’t much of a help, and Kyuhyun can tell that some of the other members are getting a little annoyed at all of the accidental tripping and elbowing and general flailing around, though Kyuhyun doesn’t really mind it, himself. It’s almost endearing to watch Zhou Mi blush and stutter an apology as they take it from the top one more time; Kyuhyun isn’t even annoyed when they end up practicing an hour longer than planned just so that Zhou Mi can get it right.
It’s night when they finally finish, and they’re all exhausted and very, very hungry. As they often do after long practices like these, everyone makes for the door, discussing which restaurant they’ll go to this time-maybe the new ramyun shop that’s opened up two blocks away, or maybe the place by the music store that they go to so often. Kyuhyun’s in the midst of telling Eunhyuk that No, the ramyun shop won’t be too expensive, it’s a ramyun shop for god’s sake when he notices that Zhou Mi isn’t with them.
Kyuhyun turns around abruptly, ignoring Eunhyuk’s confused “Kyuhyun? What are you doing?” and all but running (he’s too tired for running right now) down the hall to Zhou Mi, who’s walking all by himself in the opposite direction, back to the trainee dorms.
“Aren’t you coming?” Kyuhyun says. He’s already breathless again; he still hasn’t quite recovered from practice. Zhou Mi looks up at him in surprise, and Kyuhyun notices that his hair is soaked with sweat and despite the fact that he’s been walking all this time, his breathing is still a bit irregular, still a little too fast. He must not be used to practicing like this.
“You-you want me to come with you?” Zhou Mi chokes out. Kyuhyun figures he just hasn’t caught his breath yet. "I thought... This is for you? Not me."
"Did you think we'd exclude you just because you're not a part of Super Junior?" Kyuhyun frowns. Then, he slings an arm around Zhou Mi's shoulders, turning him around to walk in the same direction as the others, who are all waiting for them at the door. "You practiced with us, too, you know. And you had to work a lot harder than the rest of us; I think you deserve a good meal more than anyone else here."
Zhou Mi smiles as they reach the door and head outside with the others, into the cool night. "Thank you."
Kyuhyun’s never liked the darkness of the night, but with Zhou Mi laughing and speaking in accented, broken Korean by his side as they walk down the street, somehow it doesn’t seem so dark anymore.
april ‘07
It’s Zhou Mi’s birthday today. Kyuhyun makes sure to text him happy birthday, zhou mi hyung! i’ll see you later the moment the clock strikes midnight as they’re driving back from Sukira. He’s smiling to himself (despite the exhaustion and annoyance he’d been feeling just minutes earlier, thanks to some disagreements with the managers), thinking of what’s to come: lunch with Zhou Mi, practice with Zhou Mi, dinner with Zhou Mi, and then maybe, if neither of them are too tired, they’ll-
“What was that?” Eunhyuk says, sounding alarmed, and the car lurches just as the words leave his mouth. It teeters back and forth a few times, and Kyuhyun can't breathe, and then the car flips over. As he feels his consciousness slipping away from him, he thinks, This is the end, this is it, it's all over isn't it, and the last thing he feels before he can't anymore is the hot tear that rolls down his face, its track cool against his skin in the night air.
---
When he wakes, he can't feel his legs. It's like everything below his waist is missing-Kyuhyun wouldn't be surprised if it was. He's on the edge, he's teetering, just like the car, and he knows he'll fall.
Eunhyuk is crouched over him, praying fervently, and Kyuhyun tries to pray too, but he can feel himself slipping away again; So this is how I'll die, he thinks, and he isn't so scared anymore, suddenly. He's free, he's teetering, and he lets himself fall.
---
He's in a hospital when his eyes open again, and Zhou Mi is there, looking like he hasn't slept in weeks. When Kyuhyun looks at him, Zhou Mi all but jumps out of his chair in surprise and his
bright, bright smile spreads across his face, and he doesn't look so tired anymore. Kyuhyun wants to smile, too, but all he can do is stare.
"Kui Xian," Zhou Mi says (he never did get Kyuhyun’s name right), and when Kyuhyun doesn’t respond, the smile disappears, replaced once again by worry. It's Kyuhyun's fault he looks so weary, he knows, and he wants to wipe all of it away, turn his frown back into a grin, but he doesn't think he can move his arms far enough. Zhou Mi calls the nurse, who finds the doctor. “He’s not speaking,” Zhou Mi tells him, and the doctor frowns.
Once it’s established that Kyuhyun won’t talk (“It’s the shock,” says the doctor; Kyuhyun isn’t sure that it’s true), the doctor very bluntly tells him, “You only have a twenty percent chance of survival. When your ribs broke, they punctured your lungs. The only way to fix them is very risky, and your father has already requested that we find a different solution, as this method could result in the loss of your ability to use your voice. But we don’t know if...”
Kyuhyun stops listening when he feels himself slipping again; he loses track of who’s there and who isn’t, and before long it’s just him and Zhou Mi in the room, like before. “I’m sorry,” Zhou Mi says, and Kyuhyun wants to say, No, I’m sorry, because he’s pretty sure he ruined Zhou Mi’s birthday, but he can’t speak. And Kyuhyun’s being pulled away again, he’s falling, and Zhou Mi’s next (rather teary) words grow ever fainter as he speaks. “You’ll make it through, Kui Xian, I promise. You’ll survive. I l...”
september ‘07
They're adding yet another new subgroup, one that promotes in China, now; they say Kyuhyun's going to be in it. He's not sure he can handle it, because he still hasn't fully recovered from the accident, even though he was discharged from the hospital months ago, but he supposes he doesn't have much of a choice. Zhou Mi is going to be in it, along with several other members and Henry, who still can only barely speak Korean, and although learning Chinese won't be all that easy, Kyuhyun thinks it'll be bearable, with them here.
It's because of this that Kyuhyun starts to see Zhou Mi even more often than usual, and it's because of this that they get to know each other even better than before; but it's because of Zhou Mi that the exhaustion, the tiredness that comes with preparing for a debut isn't so bad. He's constantly bright and optimistic, even though he's exhausted, too, and the happiness is infectious. Sometimes, with Zhou Mi around, Kyuhyun feels like a kid again.
Often, Zhou Mi works with him on his Chinese. (Kyuhyun has actual Chinese lessons, too, but Zhou Mi is more fun. And Zhou Mi is more likely to teach him curse words.) He's learning job titles today, and it's more than a little frustrating: Zhou Mi keeps nagging him about his pronunciation, and somehow, he just can't get this word right.
"Fu wu yuanr," Zhou Mi says again.
Kyuhyun frowns. "Fu yu wuar?" he tries, and Zhou Mi laughs. “Hey! Don’t laugh. I don’t make fun of your pronunciation.”
“Since when?” Zhou Mi scoffs. “You mock me every time I open my mouth.”
“I do not,” Kyuhyun protests. (He does.)
“You do! Don’t you remember when...”
The lessons go by easily like this, half learning and half laughing, talking, reminiscing; it’s these times when all of Kyuhyun’s troubles seem to disappear. It’s easy to forget how tired he is, how unhappy he sometimes is, when Zhou Mi is around. And it’s still stressful, preparing for a debut, but this time around he manages to have a little fun, too. That is, until the announcement is made.
november ‘07
The uproar is not a surprise. Not after the controversy that came with Henry’s appearance in Don’t Don. But no one expects the fans to take it so far; no one expects them to try so hard to keep Henry and Zhou Mi out.
Henry takes it just as hard as he did the first time. He doesn’t say anything about it, but Kyuhyun sees the hurt in his eyes when he sees the masses of people camped outside, when the screaming and singing gets so loud that they can hear it, even floors above them. Kyuhyun sees it, but he doesn’t say anything either.
(It’s Ryeowook who helps Henry most in the end. Kyuhyun sees him staying with Henry after practice, listening to music to distract him from the screams when there’s another protest, making silly jokes to cheer him up when he looks particularly sad. He doesn’t say anything about it, but he sees.)
Zhou Mi keeps smiling. Kyuhyun figures he’s just one of those people who doesn’t care what others think of him, not even a bit; he thinks this until the day he finds Zhou Mi crying in the bathroom, and that’s when his heart breaks, a little; that’s when he realizes that he’s been so, so wrong.
Kyuhyun doesn’t really know what to do, honestly. He’s never been good with crying. So he just stands there and pats Zhou Mi awkwardly on the back, stays with him until he wipes the last few tears from his eyes, sniffs, and smiles a little sadly. “Thank you,” Zhou Mi says quietly. Kyuhyun doesn’t know what he’s thanking him for.
It doesn’t get much better as time goes on, but Zhou Mi has Kyuhyun by his side now, just like Henry has Ryeowook. Kyuhyun can only hope that it helps. And as the hate continues pouring in, he wonders if it’ll take a tragedy for them to love Zhou Mi, too.
april ‘08
Despite all of the trouble, SJ-M’s debut is a huge success. Kyuhyun can’t remember promotions ever being quite this hectic-they go on variety show after variety show, and after a while he loses track of how many shows they’ve been on. What he doesn’t forget, though, is Zhou Mi’s wide smile when Kyuhyun says “fu wu yuanr,” perfect Beijing accent and all.
Zhou Mi’s excited to be back in China, he can tell. There’s no time for him to be constantly on Weibo like usual, so there’s not much left to weigh him down, and he’s visibly happier for it. And even though they’re too busy to go out often, Zhou Mi points his favorite places out in the car as they pass by countless stores and restaurants. Kyuhyun has no doubt he’ll be dragged into all of them, one day.
Kyuhyun can’t deny that he’s having more fun in China than he ever did on shows in Korea. The shows are still pretty scripted, sure, but it’s not as rigid as he’s used to here; some shows are sillier than most programs in Korea would ever dare to be.
The show they’re filming today is called Bravely Going Forward, and by the time it’s afternoon, they’ve dressed everyone up in sumo wrestler costumes. Kyuhyun feels dumb dancing and jumping around in them, but Zhou Mi is so delighted that he can’t help but let it rub off on him too. He thinks this might be the most fun he's ever had filming a variety show, though it isn't because of the activities themselves. No, he decides, the truth of the matter is that China wouldn't be nearly as fun if he didn't have Zhou Mi.
december '09
They don't hear it from Han Geng himself. Rather, it's management that tells them- "Hankyung-ssi has filed for contract termination," they say, and it doesn't quite sink in until they go to his room, only to find his bed empty and neat and cold, and his belongings all gone. He's left without even saying goodbye.
Kyuhyun is angry, at first. SME is unfair sometimes, sure, but is being unhappy enough for Han Geng to leave? Super Junior is his family-aren't they? And now he's left. Just like that. Gone. Kyuhyun feels like he's been left hanging.
But later, when Zhou Mi confronts him about his stupid weibo post (and makes him take it down), it’s clear what he’s really upset about.
“Han Geng-hyung has done exactly what I’ve always been too afraid to even try,” Kyuhyun says, quietly. And he feels kind of like a coward, knowing that, because he isn’t happy either, but he’s not like Han Geng; he’s not brave. It’s a sudden realization, but it’s true: Kyuhyun has never felt completely at home in SME; he’s never liked the relentless exhaustion that comes with being here, but he’d always thought it was worth it... Sometimes, though, Kyuhyun feels like he’s had enough.
A strange expression flickers across Zhou Mi’s face, but it’s come and gone before Kyuhyun can even register it in his mind. “Kui Xian,” he says, sounding a little choked, “you-you wouldn’t, would you? Would you really?”
“I’m not happy” is all Kyuhyun says back, and Zhou Mi looks worried.
“But-this is your dream, right?” he asks seriously, unsmilingly, and it scares Kyuhyun, a little. Kyuhyun nods. “Then you shouldn’t give up. If you did what Han Geng ge did, it wouldn’t be the same. Han Geng ge is happy, now. He’s out. He’s finding a place in the Chinese music industry, and he’s happy there. But you’d stay in Korea, wouldn’t you? And it’s harder here, being a solo artist not under one of the big labels. Even talent won’t get you very far if you just go. Please don’t go, Kui Xian. I want you to be happy, and I think, if you stay here, you will be. One day.”
Zhou Mi’s words hit him hard. They’re like a slap in the face, jerking him out of his silly daydreams of quitting, leaving SME; they bring him back to reality. Zhou Mi is right. Han Geng’s departure has given Kyuhyun ideas, but... yeah. Unless he tried to make it in China (and without SME, he wouldn’t anyways) he’d have to stay in Korea, and even if he were signed by a different, smaller, less demanding label, it wouldn’t be the same. He wouldn’t have Super Junior. He wouldn’t have Zhou Mi. That’s the most important part, he thinks. If he didn’t care about Super Junior, he’d have left long ago. He’d be okay, if he went somewhere else and debuted as a solo artist, even if he didn’t have the same reach and popularity. That’s never been the point. The point was getting to sing, getting to pursue his dream-in the beginning. And now the point is also getting to be with Super Junior, his brothers, his family; the point is getting to be with Zhou Mi.
“Thanks,” Kyuhyun says quietly, after a moment. “I don’t... I don’t think I was thinking, really. I don’t think I meant it.”
“Good.” Zhou Mi’s smiling again, and now it’s infectious and the tense, serious atmosphere evaporates; Kyuhyun smiles back. “I wouldn’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t,” Kyuhyun tells him, and he knows it’s the truth.
march ‘10
Han Geng’s departure means that SJ-M is on an indefinite hiatus. There’s debate, it seems like, on whether or not they’ll need another member to fill the gap that’s been left. But being on hiatus doesn’t change the fact that they’re performing at Super Show 2 in Shanghai, and Kyuhyun worries. Most of Han Geng’s old lines have been given to Zhou Mi and the easier ones have been split up amongst the other members; when they practice, it feels unbalanced-they’re all thrown a little off-kilter by the adjustments to the choreography, by the decrease from seven members to six.
The show goes even worse than Kyuhyun had imagined. The screams and jeers are so loud when Henry and Zhou Mi come on for the ending stage that he can’t hear a word Zhou Mi is saying, and it takes Siwon yelling “Quiet!” into a microphone for them to settle down a little, but not much.
And when SJ-M comes out for the encore, it doesn’t get any better. It’s hard to hear above the music this time, but when he pulls his earpiece out, the chants of “Han Geng! Han Geng!” are nearly deafening each time it gets to Henry and Zhou Mi’s parts; Kyuhyun feels almost sick to his stomach at the sound. The anger rises up in him, little by little, until the last words of “Blue Tomorrow” die in his throat and he closes his eyes, shakes his head as the lights go down.
They’re all worn out by the time it’s all over, but when Kyuhyun looks over at the set of Zhou Mi’s shoulders, the way he nearly collapses into a nearby chair, he knows it’s more than just post-concert exhaustion.
And when they're back in the dorms, and everyone's drifting off, Kyuhyun goes to find Zhou Mi's room; the door to his dorm is unlocked, almost as if he's been expecting him. When Kyuhyun climbs into his bed, Zhou Mi doesn't move, but he leans into Kyuhyun's touch when he wraps his arms around him, presses his lips to a spot on Zhou Mi's neck. They don't say anything as they start to drift off; they don't have to.
april '11
It's been ten months, and Zhou Mi's throat is still... a disaster. Kyuhyun remembers how quietly it had started, just a scratchy throat, perhaps from singing too much that day. But it was much more serious, he knows now, and there haven't been many signs of improvement. It hurts, Kyuhyun can tell, and he remembers how recording for Perfection was so hard on Zhou Mi’s vocal cords (though at the time, all that mattered was that Zhou Mi could finally sing) that he couldn't speak for two days afterwards.
Live performances are difficult, too, and there's always the possibility that Zhou Mi's voice won't be able to take it-it's strained enough already. Everyone worries.
So when they're filming Celebrity Tour Guide and they come to the wishing bamboo stand, Kyuhyun buys ten.
“What are you doing?” Zhou Mi laughs.
“I have a lot of wishes,” Kyuhyun tells him solemnly (but he’s trying so hard not to laugh at the way Zhou Mi is grinning at his Chinese), “so I need ten of them.”
“If you’re going to write on them all, we won’t have the time,” Zhou Mi says.
“I have time.”
“You have time?”
“I have time.”
“We don’t have the time to wait for you.”
“You- you-” Kyuhyun’s Chinese is failing him. “You leave!” he says, in Korean now, and this time he fails to hold his laughter back.
Zhou Mi is laughing again, too. “I leave first?”
“Leave by yourself,” Kyuhyun tells him; he thinks maybe it’ll be better this way.
And when they actually do leave him in the end (they come back once he’s finished, though), he’s left alone with the cameraman, and he’s glad that Zhou Mi isn’t there to see the reason why he bought so many pieces of bamboo.
On seven of the ten pieces, he’s scrawled, over and over again, “I wish for Zhou Mi’s throat to get better. I wish for Zhou Mi to be happy.” He hangs them all up in the forest of wishes, one by one, steps back and smiles.
Kyuhyun’s always been a little superstitious.
january ‘13
Zhou Mi’s throat gets better. So much so that they decide to give him a solo on the upcoming album-their second full one since Me. Zhou Mi seems delighted at the idea, though Kyuhyun can tell that mostly, he’s still just excited about being able to really sing again. His voice is still recovering, but the doctors say there’s hardly any risk anymore; it’s a relief.
It’s around now that Zhou Mi starts using his weibo account again, and now the hateful comments don’t seem to bother him so much anymore. Kyuhyun thinks he’s finally learned how not to care. Or maybe he’s too excited about his new book to let anything get him down.
Kyuhyun remembers all the trips to Thailand (he’d been dragged along, once, and was forced to take countless pictures) and the subsequent book-construction; it was actually kind of amusing to watch Zhou Mi make it, clicking his tongue and reshuffling pictures of beads and jewelry and clothes while laughing and remembering what happened on a certain day as he wrote.
“Are you sure this is a travel book?” he’d asked the first time Zhou Mi had shown him what he was doing. “It looks like a scrapbook to me.”
“It’s, like-” Zhou Mi gestured vaguely in the air. “A travel diary!”
“Isn’t that a scrapbook?”
Zhou Mi sighed.
Kyuhyun can’t help but grin when he sees the finished book-it’s bright pink and ridiculously adorable and completely, utterly Zhou Mi. Even down to the handwriting, not that Kyuhyun can actually read what he’s written. But he’s pretty sure it’s endearing anyways, in the way only Zhou Mi can be.
He’s been brighter, lately. A lot like the way he was when Kyuhyun first met him, years and years ago. Kyuhyun wonders if it’s been because of the ever-growing numbers of fans, or the return of his voice, or the trips, or making the book in itself. When he asks, Zhou Mi simply smiles.
“It’s you,” he says, looking Kyuhyun in the eyes; Kyuhyun can’t breathe, for a moment. “It’s always been you.”
april ‘13
Break Down’s promotions feel almost like they’ve been cut short. Kyuhyun’s been busier, more tired as of late, and in between all of the new schedules his time in China seems to have flown by. It’s been something of a blur, full of crowded airports and preparations for SS5 and countless variety shows, not to mention the stolen moments with Zhou Mi when they have the time, even when they’re both too tired to even think straight.
Things have been better, recently. For both of them. It’s easy to see how quickly Zhou Mi’s popularity has risen, along with his increase in appearances in SS5 and solo promotions for his book. He’s healthier and more cheerful and much more confident; it’s a change Kyuhyun is glad to see. And Kyuhyun is doing well nowadays, too-yeah, he’s tired, but he’s tired because he’s doing what he loves, and for a lot of it he has the people he loves by his side. He has Super Junior; he has Zhou Mi.
And suddenly it’s the last fanmeeting, in Beijing; Kyuhyun already feels a little nostalgic. They've performed all of these songs countless times, but it's times like this that Kyuhyun doesn't mind so much.
They’re onstage once more for “Blue Tomorrow,” and Kyuhyun smiles a little when the music starts-it’s so easy to get lost in this song, so easy to pour everything into it. Zhou Mi slings an arm around his shoulders as he starts to sing, and after a moment, Kyuhyun wraps his own arm around Zhou Mi’s waist. It’s comfortable, for those few moments as they sway a little from side to side, and yeah, Kyuhyun realizes, he’s happy. He really is.
"I am, too," Zhou Mi whispers against his lips after the concert, when Kyuhyun's pressed against the wall somewhere backstage, and even through the darkness of the corner they're hidden in, he can see how finally truly happy Zhou Mi’s smile is when he looks at him, eyes alight. Vaguely, as Zhou Mi kisses him again, Kyuhyun thinks his own smile might be just as bright.
a/n: title comes from blue tomorrow.
this has really been a lot of fun to work on, so i hope you enjoyed it! thank you for reading ♥
fandom: super junior
pairing: qmi
rating: pg-13 (maybe?)
words: 4,595
slowly, gradually, kyuhyun (and with him, zhou mi) learns to be happy.
november ‘06
It’s six months after Kyuhyun’s debut, at a photoshoot of some sort, when they first meet. Kyuhyun’s eyes land on him before anything else-there’s something that sets him apart from the others, somehow. Maybe it’s just the way he carries himself, or maybe it’s how he keeps smiling at everyone, even the people who are only here to set up the lights; maybe it’s how he doesn’t speak to anyone, looking a little lost as he’s shoved into clothes and smothered in makeup. (Or maybe it’s because he looks so alone. Kyuhyun knows what it feels like to be alone.) But it doesn’t matter what it is. Kyuhyun can’t take his eyes off of him.
“Oh, right, that’s Joomyuk or Jomi or whatever his name is,” says one of the stylists when she sees Kyuhyun looking. “He’s new. From China. I heard he can’t even speak a single word of Korean.” The stylist laughs, and Kyuhyun smiles half-heartedly back at her in the mirror.
Kyuhyun looks over at him again-he’s being shoved into a pair of pants that are far too small, looking uncomfortable-and smiles, genuinely this time. He always has wanted to learn some Chinese.
When lunchtime rolls around, Kyuhyun plops himself down next to-Jomi, was it?-and cuts a piece of his pork chop off as Jomi watches him, looking both surprised and puzzled; the confusion on his face only grows when Kyuhyun holds the piece of meat he’s just cut out to him on his fork. Kyuhyun thinks of it as an offer of friendship. An olive branch. And when Jomi takes a bite, eats it right off the fork, Kyuhyun grins. Jomi beams back, brighter than the sun, and ridiculously, irrationally, Kyuhyun thinks he’s fallen a little bit in love.
december ‘06
Kyuhyun’s just about to walk into the dance practice room when he notices someone lingering hesitantly by the door. When he sees who it is, he grins and instead of going in to practice, Kyuhyun turns to him and says, “Hi.”
“Hello,” says Zhou Mi (it’s Zhou Mi, not Jomi-there’s a subtle difference, he’s learned). “I’m here for... dance?”
Zhou Mi’s Korean is surprisingly good, considering that he hasn’t been learning for too long. It’s very accented, but Kyuhyun thinks he likes it. At least he’s understandable.
“Are you practicing with us?” Kyuhyun asks. There isn’t any other reason why Zhou Mi would be here, unless he’s lost, which he hardly seems to be. But this doesn’t make any sense-Zhou Mi is just a trainee, so why would he be practicing with a group that’s already debuted?
A staff member passing by answers before Zhou Mi can. “They want him to try backup dancing. He’ll probably practice with you for the next couple of weeks. But it’s temporary-he’s here for singing, after all.”
Kyuhyun wonders what Zhou Mi would sound like singing alongside him, alongside Super Junior. A little part of him wants that to be reality.
Zhou Mi blinks, clearly hardly understanding a thing, and Kyuhyun grins and drags a very confused Zhou Mi into the practice room. He’s never liked dance practice, but he’s suddenly looking forward to it much more than usual. Although he is a little worried that with legs as long as those, Zhou Mi might be something of a disaster.
And a disaster he is. The fact that he hasn’t had much training and hasn’t practiced with any of Super Junior before isn’t much of a help, and Kyuhyun can tell that some of the other members are getting a little annoyed at all of the accidental tripping and elbowing and general flailing around, though Kyuhyun doesn’t really mind it, himself. It’s almost endearing to watch Zhou Mi blush and stutter an apology as they take it from the top one more time; Kyuhyun isn’t even annoyed when they end up practicing an hour longer than planned just so that Zhou Mi can get it right.
It’s night when they finally finish, and they’re all exhausted and very, very hungry. As they often do after long practices like these, everyone makes for the door, discussing which restaurant they’ll go to this time-maybe the new ramyun shop that’s opened up two blocks away, or maybe the place by the music store that they go to so often. Kyuhyun’s in the midst of telling Eunhyuk that No, the ramyun shop won’t be too expensive, it’s a ramyun shop for god’s sake when he notices that Zhou Mi isn’t with them.
Kyuhyun turns around abruptly, ignoring Eunhyuk’s confused “Kyuhyun? What are you doing?” and all but running (he’s too tired for running right now) down the hall to Zhou Mi, who’s walking all by himself in the opposite direction, back to the trainee dorms.
“Aren’t you coming?” Kyuhyun says. He’s already breathless again; he still hasn’t quite recovered from practice. Zhou Mi looks up at him in surprise, and Kyuhyun notices that his hair is soaked with sweat and despite the fact that he’s been walking all this time, his breathing is still a bit irregular, still a little too fast. He must not be used to practicing like this.
“You-you want me to come with you?” Zhou Mi chokes out. Kyuhyun figures he just hasn’t caught his breath yet. "I thought... This is for you? Not me."
"Did you think we'd exclude you just because you're not a part of Super Junior?" Kyuhyun frowns. Then, he slings an arm around Zhou Mi's shoulders, turning him around to walk in the same direction as the others, who are all waiting for them at the door. "You practiced with us, too, you know. And you had to work a lot harder than the rest of us; I think you deserve a good meal more than anyone else here."
Zhou Mi smiles as they reach the door and head outside with the others, into the cool night. "Thank you."
Kyuhyun’s never liked the darkness of the night, but with Zhou Mi laughing and speaking in accented, broken Korean by his side as they walk down the street, somehow it doesn’t seem so dark anymore.
april ‘07
It’s Zhou Mi’s birthday today. Kyuhyun makes sure to text him happy birthday, zhou mi hyung! i’ll see you later the moment the clock strikes midnight as they’re driving back from Sukira. He’s smiling to himself (despite the exhaustion and annoyance he’d been feeling just minutes earlier, thanks to some disagreements with the managers), thinking of what’s to come: lunch with Zhou Mi, practice with Zhou Mi, dinner with Zhou Mi, and then maybe, if neither of them are too tired, they’ll-
“What was that?” Eunhyuk says, sounding alarmed, and the car lurches just as the words leave his mouth. It teeters back and forth a few times, and Kyuhyun can't breathe, and then the car flips over. As he feels his consciousness slipping away from him, he thinks, This is the end, this is it, it's all over isn't it, and the last thing he feels before he can't anymore is the hot tear that rolls down his face, its track cool against his skin in the night air.
---
When he wakes, he can't feel his legs. It's like everything below his waist is missing-Kyuhyun wouldn't be surprised if it was. He's on the edge, he's teetering, just like the car, and he knows he'll fall.
Eunhyuk is crouched over him, praying fervently, and Kyuhyun tries to pray too, but he can feel himself slipping away again; So this is how I'll die, he thinks, and he isn't so scared anymore, suddenly. He's free, he's teetering, and he lets himself fall.
---
He's in a hospital when his eyes open again, and Zhou Mi is there, looking like he hasn't slept in weeks. When Kyuhyun looks at him, Zhou Mi all but jumps out of his chair in surprise and his
bright, bright smile spreads across his face, and he doesn't look so tired anymore. Kyuhyun wants to smile, too, but all he can do is stare.
"Kui Xian," Zhou Mi says (he never did get Kyuhyun’s name right), and when Kyuhyun doesn’t respond, the smile disappears, replaced once again by worry. It's Kyuhyun's fault he looks so weary, he knows, and he wants to wipe all of it away, turn his frown back into a grin, but he doesn't think he can move his arms far enough. Zhou Mi calls the nurse, who finds the doctor. “He’s not speaking,” Zhou Mi tells him, and the doctor frowns.
Once it’s established that Kyuhyun won’t talk (“It’s the shock,” says the doctor; Kyuhyun isn’t sure that it’s true), the doctor very bluntly tells him, “You only have a twenty percent chance of survival. When your ribs broke, they punctured your lungs. The only way to fix them is very risky, and your father has already requested that we find a different solution, as this method could result in the loss of your ability to use your voice. But we don’t know if...”
Kyuhyun stops listening when he feels himself slipping again; he loses track of who’s there and who isn’t, and before long it’s just him and Zhou Mi in the room, like before. “I’m sorry,” Zhou Mi says, and Kyuhyun wants to say, No, I’m sorry, because he’s pretty sure he ruined Zhou Mi’s birthday, but he can’t speak. And Kyuhyun’s being pulled away again, he’s falling, and Zhou Mi’s next (rather teary) words grow ever fainter as he speaks. “You’ll make it through, Kui Xian, I promise. You’ll survive. I l...”
september ‘07
They're adding yet another new subgroup, one that promotes in China, now; they say Kyuhyun's going to be in it. He's not sure he can handle it, because he still hasn't fully recovered from the accident, even though he was discharged from the hospital months ago, but he supposes he doesn't have much of a choice. Zhou Mi is going to be in it, along with several other members and Henry, who still can only barely speak Korean, and although learning Chinese won't be all that easy, Kyuhyun thinks it'll be bearable, with them here.
It's because of this that Kyuhyun starts to see Zhou Mi even more often than usual, and it's because of this that they get to know each other even better than before; but it's because of Zhou Mi that the exhaustion, the tiredness that comes with preparing for a debut isn't so bad. He's constantly bright and optimistic, even though he's exhausted, too, and the happiness is infectious. Sometimes, with Zhou Mi around, Kyuhyun feels like a kid again.
Often, Zhou Mi works with him on his Chinese. (Kyuhyun has actual Chinese lessons, too, but Zhou Mi is more fun. And Zhou Mi is more likely to teach him curse words.) He's learning job titles today, and it's more than a little frustrating: Zhou Mi keeps nagging him about his pronunciation, and somehow, he just can't get this word right.
"Fu wu yuanr," Zhou Mi says again.
Kyuhyun frowns. "Fu yu wuar?" he tries, and Zhou Mi laughs. “Hey! Don’t laugh. I don’t make fun of your pronunciation.”
“Since when?” Zhou Mi scoffs. “You mock me every time I open my mouth.”
“I do not,” Kyuhyun protests. (He does.)
“You do! Don’t you remember when...”
The lessons go by easily like this, half learning and half laughing, talking, reminiscing; it’s these times when all of Kyuhyun’s troubles seem to disappear. It’s easy to forget how tired he is, how unhappy he sometimes is, when Zhou Mi is around. And it’s still stressful, preparing for a debut, but this time around he manages to have a little fun, too. That is, until the announcement is made.
november ‘07
The uproar is not a surprise. Not after the controversy that came with Henry’s appearance in Don’t Don. But no one expects the fans to take it so far; no one expects them to try so hard to keep Henry and Zhou Mi out.
Henry takes it just as hard as he did the first time. He doesn’t say anything about it, but Kyuhyun sees the hurt in his eyes when he sees the masses of people camped outside, when the screaming and singing gets so loud that they can hear it, even floors above them. Kyuhyun sees it, but he doesn’t say anything either.
(It’s Ryeowook who helps Henry most in the end. Kyuhyun sees him staying with Henry after practice, listening to music to distract him from the screams when there’s another protest, making silly jokes to cheer him up when he looks particularly sad. He doesn’t say anything about it, but he sees.)
Zhou Mi keeps smiling. Kyuhyun figures he’s just one of those people who doesn’t care what others think of him, not even a bit; he thinks this until the day he finds Zhou Mi crying in the bathroom, and that’s when his heart breaks, a little; that’s when he realizes that he’s been so, so wrong.
Kyuhyun doesn’t really know what to do, honestly. He’s never been good with crying. So he just stands there and pats Zhou Mi awkwardly on the back, stays with him until he wipes the last few tears from his eyes, sniffs, and smiles a little sadly. “Thank you,” Zhou Mi says quietly. Kyuhyun doesn’t know what he’s thanking him for.
It doesn’t get much better as time goes on, but Zhou Mi has Kyuhyun by his side now, just like Henry has Ryeowook. Kyuhyun can only hope that it helps. And as the hate continues pouring in, he wonders if it’ll take a tragedy for them to love Zhou Mi, too.
april ‘08
Despite all of the trouble, SJ-M’s debut is a huge success. Kyuhyun can’t remember promotions ever being quite this hectic-they go on variety show after variety show, and after a while he loses track of how many shows they’ve been on. What he doesn’t forget, though, is Zhou Mi’s wide smile when Kyuhyun says “fu wu yuanr,” perfect Beijing accent and all.
Zhou Mi’s excited to be back in China, he can tell. There’s no time for him to be constantly on Weibo like usual, so there’s not much left to weigh him down, and he’s visibly happier for it. And even though they’re too busy to go out often, Zhou Mi points his favorite places out in the car as they pass by countless stores and restaurants. Kyuhyun has no doubt he’ll be dragged into all of them, one day.
Kyuhyun can’t deny that he’s having more fun in China than he ever did on shows in Korea. The shows are still pretty scripted, sure, but it’s not as rigid as he’s used to here; some shows are sillier than most programs in Korea would ever dare to be.
The show they’re filming today is called Bravely Going Forward, and by the time it’s afternoon, they’ve dressed everyone up in sumo wrestler costumes. Kyuhyun feels dumb dancing and jumping around in them, but Zhou Mi is so delighted that he can’t help but let it rub off on him too. He thinks this might be the most fun he's ever had filming a variety show, though it isn't because of the activities themselves. No, he decides, the truth of the matter is that China wouldn't be nearly as fun if he didn't have Zhou Mi.
december '09
They don't hear it from Han Geng himself. Rather, it's management that tells them- "Hankyung-ssi has filed for contract termination," they say, and it doesn't quite sink in until they go to his room, only to find his bed empty and neat and cold, and his belongings all gone. He's left without even saying goodbye.
Kyuhyun is angry, at first. SME is unfair sometimes, sure, but is being unhappy enough for Han Geng to leave? Super Junior is his family-aren't they? And now he's left. Just like that. Gone. Kyuhyun feels like he's been left hanging.
But later, when Zhou Mi confronts him about his stupid weibo post (and makes him take it down), it’s clear what he’s really upset about.
“Han Geng-hyung has done exactly what I’ve always been too afraid to even try,” Kyuhyun says, quietly. And he feels kind of like a coward, knowing that, because he isn’t happy either, but he’s not like Han Geng; he’s not brave. It’s a sudden realization, but it’s true: Kyuhyun has never felt completely at home in SME; he’s never liked the relentless exhaustion that comes with being here, but he’d always thought it was worth it... Sometimes, though, Kyuhyun feels like he’s had enough.
A strange expression flickers across Zhou Mi’s face, but it’s come and gone before Kyuhyun can even register it in his mind. “Kui Xian,” he says, sounding a little choked, “you-you wouldn’t, would you? Would you really?”
“I’m not happy” is all Kyuhyun says back, and Zhou Mi looks worried.
“But-this is your dream, right?” he asks seriously, unsmilingly, and it scares Kyuhyun, a little. Kyuhyun nods. “Then you shouldn’t give up. If you did what Han Geng ge did, it wouldn’t be the same. Han Geng ge is happy, now. He’s out. He’s finding a place in the Chinese music industry, and he’s happy there. But you’d stay in Korea, wouldn’t you? And it’s harder here, being a solo artist not under one of the big labels. Even talent won’t get you very far if you just go. Please don’t go, Kui Xian. I want you to be happy, and I think, if you stay here, you will be. One day.”
Zhou Mi’s words hit him hard. They’re like a slap in the face, jerking him out of his silly daydreams of quitting, leaving SME; they bring him back to reality. Zhou Mi is right. Han Geng’s departure has given Kyuhyun ideas, but... yeah. Unless he tried to make it in China (and without SME, he wouldn’t anyways) he’d have to stay in Korea, and even if he were signed by a different, smaller, less demanding label, it wouldn’t be the same. He wouldn’t have Super Junior. He wouldn’t have Zhou Mi. That’s the most important part, he thinks. If he didn’t care about Super Junior, he’d have left long ago. He’d be okay, if he went somewhere else and debuted as a solo artist, even if he didn’t have the same reach and popularity. That’s never been the point. The point was getting to sing, getting to pursue his dream-in the beginning. And now the point is also getting to be with Super Junior, his brothers, his family; the point is getting to be with Zhou Mi.
“Thanks,” Kyuhyun says quietly, after a moment. “I don’t... I don’t think I was thinking, really. I don’t think I meant it.”
“Good.” Zhou Mi’s smiling again, and now it’s infectious and the tense, serious atmosphere evaporates; Kyuhyun smiles back. “I wouldn’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t,” Kyuhyun tells him, and he knows it’s the truth.
march ‘10
Han Geng’s departure means that SJ-M is on an indefinite hiatus. There’s debate, it seems like, on whether or not they’ll need another member to fill the gap that’s been left. But being on hiatus doesn’t change the fact that they’re performing at Super Show 2 in Shanghai, and Kyuhyun worries. Most of Han Geng’s old lines have been given to Zhou Mi and the easier ones have been split up amongst the other members; when they practice, it feels unbalanced-they’re all thrown a little off-kilter by the adjustments to the choreography, by the decrease from seven members to six.
The show goes even worse than Kyuhyun had imagined. The screams and jeers are so loud when Henry and Zhou Mi come on for the ending stage that he can’t hear a word Zhou Mi is saying, and it takes Siwon yelling “Quiet!” into a microphone for them to settle down a little, but not much.
And when SJ-M comes out for the encore, it doesn’t get any better. It’s hard to hear above the music this time, but when he pulls his earpiece out, the chants of “Han Geng! Han Geng!” are nearly deafening each time it gets to Henry and Zhou Mi’s parts; Kyuhyun feels almost sick to his stomach at the sound. The anger rises up in him, little by little, until the last words of “Blue Tomorrow” die in his throat and he closes his eyes, shakes his head as the lights go down.
They’re all worn out by the time it’s all over, but when Kyuhyun looks over at the set of Zhou Mi’s shoulders, the way he nearly collapses into a nearby chair, he knows it’s more than just post-concert exhaustion.
And when they're back in the dorms, and everyone's drifting off, Kyuhyun goes to find Zhou Mi's room; the door to his dorm is unlocked, almost as if he's been expecting him. When Kyuhyun climbs into his bed, Zhou Mi doesn't move, but he leans into Kyuhyun's touch when he wraps his arms around him, presses his lips to a spot on Zhou Mi's neck. They don't say anything as they start to drift off; they don't have to.
april '11
It's been ten months, and Zhou Mi's throat is still... a disaster. Kyuhyun remembers how quietly it had started, just a scratchy throat, perhaps from singing too much that day. But it was much more serious, he knows now, and there haven't been many signs of improvement. It hurts, Kyuhyun can tell, and he remembers how recording for Perfection was so hard on Zhou Mi’s vocal cords (though at the time, all that mattered was that Zhou Mi could finally sing) that he couldn't speak for two days afterwards.
Live performances are difficult, too, and there's always the possibility that Zhou Mi's voice won't be able to take it-it's strained enough already. Everyone worries.
So when they're filming Celebrity Tour Guide and they come to the wishing bamboo stand, Kyuhyun buys ten.
“What are you doing?” Zhou Mi laughs.
“I have a lot of wishes,” Kyuhyun tells him solemnly (but he’s trying so hard not to laugh at the way Zhou Mi is grinning at his Chinese), “so I need ten of them.”
“If you’re going to write on them all, we won’t have the time,” Zhou Mi says.
“I have time.”
“You have time?”
“I have time.”
“We don’t have the time to wait for you.”
“You- you-” Kyuhyun’s Chinese is failing him. “You leave!” he says, in Korean now, and this time he fails to hold his laughter back.
Zhou Mi is laughing again, too. “I leave first?”
“Leave by yourself,” Kyuhyun tells him; he thinks maybe it’ll be better this way.
And when they actually do leave him in the end (they come back once he’s finished, though), he’s left alone with the cameraman, and he’s glad that Zhou Mi isn’t there to see the reason why he bought so many pieces of bamboo.
On seven of the ten pieces, he’s scrawled, over and over again, “I wish for Zhou Mi’s throat to get better. I wish for Zhou Mi to be happy.” He hangs them all up in the forest of wishes, one by one, steps back and smiles.
Kyuhyun’s always been a little superstitious.
january ‘13
Zhou Mi’s throat gets better. So much so that they decide to give him a solo on the upcoming album-their second full one since Me. Zhou Mi seems delighted at the idea, though Kyuhyun can tell that mostly, he’s still just excited about being able to really sing again. His voice is still recovering, but the doctors say there’s hardly any risk anymore; it’s a relief.
It’s around now that Zhou Mi starts using his weibo account again, and now the hateful comments don’t seem to bother him so much anymore. Kyuhyun thinks he’s finally learned how not to care. Or maybe he’s too excited about his new book to let anything get him down.
Kyuhyun remembers all the trips to Thailand (he’d been dragged along, once, and was forced to take countless pictures) and the subsequent book-construction; it was actually kind of amusing to watch Zhou Mi make it, clicking his tongue and reshuffling pictures of beads and jewelry and clothes while laughing and remembering what happened on a certain day as he wrote.
“Are you sure this is a travel book?” he’d asked the first time Zhou Mi had shown him what he was doing. “It looks like a scrapbook to me.”
“It’s, like-” Zhou Mi gestured vaguely in the air. “A travel diary!”
“Isn’t that a scrapbook?”
Zhou Mi sighed.
Kyuhyun can’t help but grin when he sees the finished book-it’s bright pink and ridiculously adorable and completely, utterly Zhou Mi. Even down to the handwriting, not that Kyuhyun can actually read what he’s written. But he’s pretty sure it’s endearing anyways, in the way only Zhou Mi can be.
He’s been brighter, lately. A lot like the way he was when Kyuhyun first met him, years and years ago. Kyuhyun wonders if it’s been because of the ever-growing numbers of fans, or the return of his voice, or the trips, or making the book in itself. When he asks, Zhou Mi simply smiles.
“It’s you,” he says, looking Kyuhyun in the eyes; Kyuhyun can’t breathe, for a moment. “It’s always been you.”
april ‘13
Break Down’s promotions feel almost like they’ve been cut short. Kyuhyun’s been busier, more tired as of late, and in between all of the new schedules his time in China seems to have flown by. It’s been something of a blur, full of crowded airports and preparations for SS5 and countless variety shows, not to mention the stolen moments with Zhou Mi when they have the time, even when they’re both too tired to even think straight.
Things have been better, recently. For both of them. It’s easy to see how quickly Zhou Mi’s popularity has risen, along with his increase in appearances in SS5 and solo promotions for his book. He’s healthier and more cheerful and much more confident; it’s a change Kyuhyun is glad to see. And Kyuhyun is doing well nowadays, too-yeah, he’s tired, but he’s tired because he’s doing what he loves, and for a lot of it he has the people he loves by his side. He has Super Junior; he has Zhou Mi.
And suddenly it’s the last fanmeeting, in Beijing; Kyuhyun already feels a little nostalgic. They've performed all of these songs countless times, but it's times like this that Kyuhyun doesn't mind so much.
They’re onstage once more for “Blue Tomorrow,” and Kyuhyun smiles a little when the music starts-it’s so easy to get lost in this song, so easy to pour everything into it. Zhou Mi slings an arm around his shoulders as he starts to sing, and after a moment, Kyuhyun wraps his own arm around Zhou Mi’s waist. It’s comfortable, for those few moments as they sway a little from side to side, and yeah, Kyuhyun realizes, he’s happy. He really is.
"I am, too," Zhou Mi whispers against his lips after the concert, when Kyuhyun's pressed against the wall somewhere backstage, and even through the darkness of the corner they're hidden in, he can see how finally truly happy Zhou Mi’s smile is when he looks at him, eyes alight. Vaguely, as Zhou Mi kisses him again, Kyuhyun thinks his own smile might be just as bright.
a/n: title comes from blue tomorrow.
this has really been a lot of fun to work on, so i hope you enjoyed it! thank you for reading ♥