GAH
i'll finish that last comment thing when everything has died down a bit.
two more exams: trig and alg ii tomorrow.
then it will all be over.
Ms. Saylor, our research coordinator, resigned this morning. Next year was going to be hell as it was. Now I don't know what's going to even happen. I'm changing my summer research plans as to not work with music therapy but just with the class I'll be doing my research on.
Mr. Shields, the Japanese teacher, was told that he position no longer existed. There goes my hopes of having more than two years of a language on my transcript. His exam was a joke today anyways.
The end of this school year sure has been crappy.
***
Have you ever had the feeling that you don't know someone at all? Its not that they're acting differently or upseting you, but it comes when everything is the most normal. And suddenly you're snuggling with someone and you think "Who is this person?" and you start singing to yourself Halloween from rent:
"How did I get here?
How the hell? Pan left
Close on the steeple
of the church.."
You don't know who they are or how you got so physically and/or emotionally close. For a second you forget their name, and yours too suddenly. The more you think about it, the more unreasonable it sounds. But its addictive and you can't stop, and suddenly, it all seems logical again because you don't know the person. They're just a voice at night or a hug in the halls. And for a moment, you're convinced that that's all they'll ever be. And that's the reason you hold on so tightly to that one moment that you know existed: that one hug with your arms wrapped up behind them and your hands on their shoulders or that one kiss when you threw him up against the wall (damn ilene, tatg) just because you could.
You long for what you can't have because that's the only thing that never scared you like that. It's the only thing that you've always known was real. There was never any question who they were or who you were when you were with them.
And still, you know nothing will happen. And you long for those 6 weeks, two of which he won't even be there. Three of which she'll be there. One of those three he'll be gone.
But that hug and smile last night. [switching to 1st person] While I was riding in the car to the DYSC meeting, I thought about that one kiss and how perfect the whole moment was. It made me smile and day dream about what could have been. It all could have been if you two didn't love each other so much. And if you two weren't so utterly adorable when you two are together. And how I envy you and feel awful when I dream that something could happen. Because I tried that once and, though you two were stronger after, for the moment it tore you apart. And I was left with the guilt, both telling me how unhappy you were, but only one of you knew the full story. And I couldn't speak a word to the other.
I do still dream about something there. I was so open before, but now I'm afraid that I hurt every person I love. So I try to hide that love, fearing what could come.
[back to 3rd person] You dream that anything could happen. And the slightest smile catches your eye and makes you feel wonderful. The sign that someone cares and is willing to jump off the stage and give just you a hug is almost as much of an ego-bost as it is performing a paid show.
You remember the fun you had with this group when you were little and wonder how they feel now that you're older. Your mother whispers the mothers' gossip in your ears and you wonder if it could all be true.
And despite that gossiful of assurance, you don't know how you'll ever merge into that group before they're all gone and without, at least sometimes, feeling like an outsider. Two links between that group were strongly made and then severely severed before you knew it.
So you reach out to the group you know is there and are still reminded of that one perfect kiss with the movie cameras swirling around your head.
"And we're back at the start.
And I know things now,
Many valuable things,
That I hadn't known before..."
I've always wanted someone who would sing cheesy song that fit the moment.
"We met when she was younger
Then I had no eyes for her
A few years went by and I saw her
Now I'm gonna try for her"
Dreaming isn't going to get me anywhere, now is it.
"and we're back at the start"
GAH