An Exercise in Futility: A Story in Two Parts
I'm proud of this, I think. I'm not sure if it helped me, but it's writing.
I.
He doesn't listen, but then he never does anymore. It starts off well enough, making conversation about video games, current events, art, even porn... it doesn't really matter what, but ordinary conversations nevertheless. Common interests that while they might not be foundation for a friendship or anything more but they can certainly act as the catalyst. The conversations are pleasant; not especially meaningful, but enjoyable.
They don't last, of course. He's too self-destructive for them to last and as he spirals down into what seems more and more like his usual state of being he tries to pull me with him. He says he doesn't want to, but he does. I can tell. It hurts to see him beat himself up the way he does, time and time again. I want to slap him, shake him, anything that will get him out of this, but of course I can't.
On some level I know it's impossible, but I keep trying to pull him out of the cycle. He lashes out every chance he gets, and when he doesn't get a chance he makes one. It's grueling work, and draining, and I can't even say for sure why I do it. Perhaps it's for old time's sake or perhaps it's because I'd like to think that I can help him.
Maybe I could help him if he'd let me, but he doesn't seem to want to be helped. He has no stability and his only strength is funneled into this uncontrolled violence of emotion. I know he wants to hurt me; he's even stopped denying it, but I won't give him the satisfaction.
He thinks I didn't hurt at all over what happened but he's wrong, I did hurt. Admittedly he hurt a lot worse but that's hardly something that I could help. I didn't want it to happen, but happen it did and I'm not going to stay stuck in the past, beating myself up over something that's been and gone. It's in the past and it should stay there.
Some time in the wee hours of the morning when we say our goodbyes and pack ourselves off the bed for a few precious hours of sleep before starting another too-busy day I can't help but wonder why he keeps accepting my IMs.
II.
Another two hours down the drain. She doesn't listen, but I don't think she ever really did. We start off making small talk, or trying to, but frankly she's terrible at small talk and when you get down to it so am I. We have plenty in common but even when it comes to our common interests we rarely agree anymore. It's all superficial stuff, anyway and I never could just stay at that. Not with her.
I can feel myself slipping into that mindset that I only get into when I talk to her and I wish I could stop it but I know that I can't. I'd like to believe that I want what's best for both of us, but that's a lie and I know it and she probably does too. I don't think I even want what's best for me, let alone her... assuming that I know what that is in either case.
I kind of wish that she'd stop trying to help me because she can't. I don't know if I'm at a point that I can be helped yet, but really even if I am she isn't the one to do it. I've tried, in my way, to express how I feel but I've never been good at that and she's never been good at reading between the lines. I'd tell her outright if I could, but I don't know exactly what I feel and until I can articulate something precisely I tend to not say it at all.
The sad fact of the matter is that she hurt me, deeply, and somehow got out unscathed. I can never forgive her for that and I want to hurt her, want her to hurt like I'm hurting, want to force the circumstance on her since she'll never feel for me.
I don't want to stay stuck in the past, despite how it looks otherwise. I would dearly like to walk away from all of this and never let it bother me again, but I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it. If I can get myself out I don't know how, and if someone else can get me out I'm not sure I want them to - I don't think I'm ready to trust another person so implicitly after what happened, and I think that I resent that most of all.
Eventually we say our goodbyes and try to get some sleep. I'm exhausted and disgusted but doubtless she'll sleep easily, because in her mind not wanting to hurt me absolves her of the guilt for having actually hurt me. I don't even recall if I'm kind or not when I say goodbye to her, because I can't help wondering why she keeps IMing me.
I.
He doesn't listen, but then he never does anymore. It starts off well enough, making conversation about video games, current events, art, even porn... it doesn't really matter what, but ordinary conversations nevertheless. Common interests that while they might not be foundation for a friendship or anything more but they can certainly act as the catalyst. The conversations are pleasant; not especially meaningful, but enjoyable.
They don't last, of course. He's too self-destructive for them to last and as he spirals down into what seems more and more like his usual state of being he tries to pull me with him. He says he doesn't want to, but he does. I can tell. It hurts to see him beat himself up the way he does, time and time again. I want to slap him, shake him, anything that will get him out of this, but of course I can't.
On some level I know it's impossible, but I keep trying to pull him out of the cycle. He lashes out every chance he gets, and when he doesn't get a chance he makes one. It's grueling work, and draining, and I can't even say for sure why I do it. Perhaps it's for old time's sake or perhaps it's because I'd like to think that I can help him.
Maybe I could help him if he'd let me, but he doesn't seem to want to be helped. He has no stability and his only strength is funneled into this uncontrolled violence of emotion. I know he wants to hurt me; he's even stopped denying it, but I won't give him the satisfaction.
He thinks I didn't hurt at all over what happened but he's wrong, I did hurt. Admittedly he hurt a lot worse but that's hardly something that I could help. I didn't want it to happen, but happen it did and I'm not going to stay stuck in the past, beating myself up over something that's been and gone. It's in the past and it should stay there.
Some time in the wee hours of the morning when we say our goodbyes and pack ourselves off the bed for a few precious hours of sleep before starting another too-busy day I can't help but wonder why he keeps accepting my IMs.
II.
Another two hours down the drain. She doesn't listen, but I don't think she ever really did. We start off making small talk, or trying to, but frankly she's terrible at small talk and when you get down to it so am I. We have plenty in common but even when it comes to our common interests we rarely agree anymore. It's all superficial stuff, anyway and I never could just stay at that. Not with her.
I can feel myself slipping into that mindset that I only get into when I talk to her and I wish I could stop it but I know that I can't. I'd like to believe that I want what's best for both of us, but that's a lie and I know it and she probably does too. I don't think I even want what's best for me, let alone her... assuming that I know what that is in either case.
I kind of wish that she'd stop trying to help me because she can't. I don't know if I'm at a point that I can be helped yet, but really even if I am she isn't the one to do it. I've tried, in my way, to express how I feel but I've never been good at that and she's never been good at reading between the lines. I'd tell her outright if I could, but I don't know exactly what I feel and until I can articulate something precisely I tend to not say it at all.
The sad fact of the matter is that she hurt me, deeply, and somehow got out unscathed. I can never forgive her for that and I want to hurt her, want her to hurt like I'm hurting, want to force the circumstance on her since she'll never feel for me.
I don't want to stay stuck in the past, despite how it looks otherwise. I would dearly like to walk away from all of this and never let it bother me again, but I'm stuck in a rut and I don't know how to get out of it. If I can get myself out I don't know how, and if someone else can get me out I'm not sure I want them to - I don't think I'm ready to trust another person so implicitly after what happened, and I think that I resent that most of all.
Eventually we say our goodbyes and try to get some sleep. I'm exhausted and disgusted but doubtless she'll sleep easily, because in her mind not wanting to hurt me absolves her of the guilt for having actually hurt me. I don't even recall if I'm kind or not when I say goodbye to her, because I can't help wondering why she keeps IMing me.