The Cosmic Uncertainty

[dorko_suavo]

Between two worlds, lives a song and dance,
the melody and beat depend on chance,
here certainty and uncertainty go hand and hand,
there is no grand command,
just remember,
pain and grenades can ruin a parade.

The Cosmic Uncertainty

Comments

[pseudoanalyst]

A lot of times with poetry, "less is more".

Be more economical in your word choices. try removing as many words as you can where it still makes sense - mainly articles (like a, the)

Also, try not to over use punctuation.

Try focus on beats and the actual sound that would come out of your mouth. Make sure you read your poetry aloud over and over until the flow feels right to you.

Try to be more visually descriptive. Avoid the "poetry pitfall" of talking about intangible ideas. through the visual, you will be able to evoke emotional response you want.

I would suggest reading some work by Jack Kerouac, Alan Ginsberg, and William S. Burroughs to get you in the mindset. Let yourself be influenced by some of the greats.

Here's your poem with my suggestions.

Between two worlds
a song, a dance
Melody, beat
depend on chance
certainty, uncertainty
hand in hand
no grand command

remember
pain grenades
ruin parades

Helpful comments?

[dieplease]

hmm this could be why poetry never makes any kind of sense to me. I require articles!

[tumblingecho]

*snaps fingers* nice groove there Tim.

Hey, remember that poem you wrote in Ms. Clapp's class about the soda can? Excellent stuff.

[dorko_suavo]

thanks for the tips

[dalonzo9]

just remember,
pain and grenades can ruin a parade

Channeling some of that Central America, eh? HO YEAH!!

Seriously, though, good stuff.

[dorko_suavo]

Thanks man!