A long post. It was written on friday. Its about.. everything ((under the lj cut))
Today.. I did nothing. But tonight, I did something that I havent done in so long. I actually reflected on everything about my life. I sat at longwood park, and looked at the stars and the moon, and just thought. I realized, and finally understood, so much. Its amazing, how such small things, can make you realize so much.
I sat on the yellow slide tonight, the one me and Dwight sat at when he was here. And.. it felt like home to me. Not just the slide, but the whole park. At first, I didnt know exactly why I felt so comfortable and at home there, but then I understood. For the past three and a half years of my life, I've lived in longwood. It was my place of self discovery, I've had some of the best moments of my life here. I discovered who I was, and what I wanted out of life here. And sitting there tonight, brought back everything from these years. I became who I am today, but I never thought of it that way. Before, it was just a place I lived, a place I did most of my growing up in.
My first memory of this place was June 10. The summer before sixth grade. Jessica was next door at the Shafers with Kara and Kristin, and I skipped over in a yellow/white tank top, and a little black skort. I grabbed a few leaves off the tree as I headed over, so I'd have something in my hands as I nervously started talking. The rest of that summer, was based around that house. I grew up, and I had my first important boyfriend. I didnt know it would be those people, and that neighborhood, that would change me.
Sixth and Seventh grade flew by, and I was on the path to self discovery. It was a breeze then, and I went through boyfriends like someone goes through a pack of skittles or M&M's. Then, 8th grade came. I had completely changed, I wasn't the sweet little girl that everyone knew, and I didnt have the same style. Before then, I was just the tomboy... never preppy, care-free, I had the simple life. But the summer before 8th grade had completely changed me. Me working, and meeting new people, and going to my grandma's for two weeks and meeting new people, it just changed me. I started listening to "punk" music, and i became the "skater/punk" type girl. I came to school the first day, and apparntly, nobody recognized me. I had grew up, and found my true self- or so I thought. But along with the new personality/clothing/music all that, I found my worst enemy. I slipped, everything around me slipped. My grades dropped, my self esteem dropped, my friends dropped. So I found new friends, and their all great people, and I'm still friends with them, but I took up alot of their habbits. I stopped caring completely, I just said "fuck it" and left alone. I became what some people called "depressed". And I kept finding myself with the wrong guys. More then once, I'd date the same guy. Over and Over. And it only made me hurt more, and slip even farther. I became someone I hated. And so, brought on my so-called "serious" problems. With family and friends and boys, and just everything... I began what so many others did. I never really cut, or tried to kill myself. I mean, I had the occasional scar or scab on my arm, from self inflicted pain, but nothing really serious. I stopped smiling, and stopped laughing. And just.. completely pulled away. By that time, I was a serious church go-er. But, finding God, didnt make me give up my bad ways. It simply made me have someone to turn to, an everlasting relationship with someone, who would never fail me, no matter how many times I failed him. I found myself digging deeper and deeper, till I had barely any room left to dig. I was always crying, or upset, and I was completely unhappy. That lasted most of the year. Until... I met Dwight. At that time, I was already dating someone, but he didnt make me happy. I fell head over heals IN LOVE with Dwight, within a week. And so many people thought i was "to young" but I didnt pay attention. I knew what I had, was real. What I felt, was real. We didnt start dating right away, we both had someone else. But that didn't stop the feelings from growing stronger. Eventually, we started dating. And I can STILL picture the day we started. It was almost.. perfect. It still scares me how great it was. For two weeks. And it ended, and it was my fault. So that, brought me down again. I was screwed up again. He started dating others, and I was envious of the other girls he chose. But it was how it was supposed to be. Finally, a few weeks before he left for Germany, we started feeling the same way again. The chicago fire game, and the day I spent with him alone, for some of the best moments in my life. And at his going away part, I thought that everything was perfect. But I was wrong. It wasn't perfect. Most of the feelings I used to have for him, had faded, because I had been hurt so much. At that party, I met Joel. And we just connected. After Dwight left, I figured that everything we promised each other wouldnt follow through. Especially since he'd be so far away. So, I started talking to Joel, and we began hanging out. No more then maybe a week or so later, we were going out. When Dwight found out, things took a turn in the wrong direction. I was finally happy, with Joel, but I was losing someone that I had fought to keep for so long. Constantly me and Dwight fought, but all the while, I was happy with Jol. When me and Jol finally broke up, it was like HELL!!! wejaweioue;rjf. But it was my fault, again. Cuz I so called "couldnt trust him" even though I did. And I never could see him, and then he had his crap that was keeping us apart. You know. Then a month or so later, me and Dwight started dating again. But I dont know what I really felt. I knew I loved him, but for some reason, it never seemed like we were together. Maybe I'm just super lame. Or something. A month later, we broke up. I was about to break it off with him, when he came to me wanting to break it off to. Well after that, I was still miserable cuz I knew I wanted to be with him. We still had the "i love you so much" type thing whenever we talked. But we were constantly fighting. I dont think back then we had more then one civil conversation. It was terrible. So, ninth grade came. And I hated it even more. It sucked completely. Being secluded from the real highschool sucked. Although I was making so many new friends, It didnt feel real. Homecoming was lame as hell. And I was still in the pissed off mode. All the time. Taylor moved to dt Naperville, fucked things over even more. I was still fighting with Dwight, not to mention every other person around me. Hell. If you ask me. Jake got a new gf, so I lost my best friend. Then… later on a few months later. I dated Taylor Green. Well that was kind of.. pointless. I know that’s terrible to say, but when we started dating, nothing changed. I haven’t had a boyfriend since.
Well… near the end of December, Dwight came back. The 26th. But I wasn’t exactly in the mood for seeing him. A few days before he had told me that he didn’t love me anymore. So that kind of.. shot everything to hell. Once again. But then, he comes, and he tells me how I haven’t changed. We saw a movie with Drea and Matt.. and we went to Chili’s too. He kept telling me he loved me and how he was so wrong for saying what he did. And I made a mistake, when he kissed me, I didn’t stop him. And that was probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life. We went on the retreat together, and all this shit went down. I had told him before that I didn’t want to be with him. I cared about him, but so much more less then I used to. I thought he understood, maybe I was wrong. When we got back from the retreat, it was the last night I got to see him. And then I find out that he had done shit with some girl. While claiming to be all about me. He was “so in love with me” he wanted “nothing but me”. And all this other shit. Well that made things even worse. We fought even more, and It was always drama. I finally gave up. Completely.
I’ve had so many more disappointments and heartaches, but none of them ever really impacted me like the events I just explained. Maybe I’m crazy for writing this all out. But in a way, It helps me see that everything that ever happened to me, was possibly the things that changed me to make me who I am. As I sat on that slide tonight, I felt more power and more strength then I have ever felt. I realized that all the shit that I went through last year, was merely stupidity. I was dumb for ever thinking that my problems were so rediculous. Maybe I did have a reason to feel the way I did, but not to the point where I stretched my issues out so far, that they didn’t make sense to anyone, let alone me. Me and Dwight are finally friends, and we haven’t fought in forever. That tells me that this is how its meant to be. Dwight’s been a constant person in my life. Through good and through the bad, and I like to think that he played one of the BIGGEST parts in making me who I am today. Sure, I’m scared to fall in love again, and HELL I’m even scared to like a guy to much. I’m even scared to date anyone. But I’ll get past that. Just like I’ve gotten past every other thing In my life.
If you read this. You either want to know me better, or simply have no life what so ever.