(no subject)
::alternately wandering and sitting in the park, watching people go by and thinking::
I'm worried. I keep thinking I've got the hang of this--then I realize I don't. I don't think it's possible anymore. Living Existing without being able to touch anyone--literally or metaphorically... I'm just not cut out for it. (And now I feel like I'm starting to sound like the other Havoc. I hope he's found a comfortable universe, wherever he's gone off to.)
I've been watching Elysia. A lot. That's no place for a father. I can't even look out for her. I've just been... snooping. I worry, though. That being away is doing her wrong... that going back would be just as bad (how would we even explain that?). But mostly I worry because I've seen her playing, bullying some of the other kids into her games, making them play by her rules. It's nothing, really. Probably not even something the teacher would mention to us... normal (sweet, adorable) outgoing kid, raised around too many military adults. But I'm worrying about it anyway, because I have nothing better to do. All I can do is watch and worry. I imagine, if I was myself right now, I might have peeked over the fence at recess a few times... I might even know about this, but I'd be able to sit her down, talk it out of her... or ignore it completely and keep telling myself she's my little angel and be glad that she's scaring the little boys, because they're nothing but trouble anyway. But it's so hard to think like that when there's nothing I can do. I've never been good at just standing by and watching.
The only lead I have is that homuculus. He's getting easier to follow... I think something almost draws me to him, but it might be my own morbid fascination.
I'm worried. I keep thinking I've got the hang of this--then I realize I don't. I don't think it's possible anymore. Living Existing without being able to touch anyone--literally or metaphorically... I'm just not cut out for it. (And now I feel like I'm starting to sound like the other Havoc. I hope he's found a comfortable universe, wherever he's gone off to.)
I've been watching Elysia. A lot. That's no place for a father. I can't even look out for her. I've just been... snooping. I worry, though. That being away is doing her wrong... that going back would be just as bad (how would we even explain that?). But mostly I worry because I've seen her playing, bullying some of the other kids into her games, making them play by her rules. It's nothing, really. Probably not even something the teacher would mention to us... normal (sweet, adorable) outgoing kid, raised around too many military adults. But I'm worrying about it anyway, because I have nothing better to do. All I can do is watch and worry. I imagine, if I was myself right now, I might have peeked over the fence at recess a few times... I might even know about this, but I'd be able to sit her down, talk it out of her... or ignore it completely and keep telling myself she's my little angel and be glad that she's scaring the little boys, because they're nothing but trouble anyway. But it's so hard to think like that when there's nothing I can do. I've never been good at just standing by and watching.
The only lead I have is that homuculus. He's getting easier to follow... I think something almost draws me to him, but it might be my own morbid fascination.