no resolutions for 09... just the promise to try..
I'm not really sure how i feel about making "resolutions".. mostly because when i resolve to do something, is the minute i officially lose interest. So perhaps the best way to put this is my list of things i promise to do my best at....hahaha...
-> be more open about my spirituality.
I have been a practicing witch for about 10 years now. I very rarely talk about it and usually change the subject when it comes up because of the general view points of most people. I got a lot of ridicule in highschool about my choice of religion but now that i am 23 and i pretty much have it tattooed all over me, i feel like i need to be more open about it. Why? well. there are many times in my life where i have given up on celebrating some of my more important holidays because i want to spend time with friends but am too shy to say that i have plans because they would question what they are. I want to get to the point where i am able to do tarot readings and energy workings for friends, as well as having them join in the celebrations - even if they are just onlookers for a good portion of it. The hardest part is that spirtuality makes people vulnerable, no matter what your belief system - so its hard to hear things about the trendy propaganda involving my beliefs when it in no way applies to my actual practices.
To start this, i have posted my book of shadows online. Basically its a collection of notes on my beliefs and rituals, including tarot readings, holidays, and any sort of "haunting"/energy reading work that i do.
Here is the link: http://saress.livejournal.com/
The top page is my beliefs.. to read more.. you'll have to either join LJ.. and friend me..
or..
you can log into this dummy LJ account:
go to: www.livejournal.com
username: pepito4u
password: spacerdebaser2
From there just click on the friends page link - the saress journal is the one you will be looking at from there on out.
-> work on creating lasting relationships.
I have had some great friends for several years now and i really want to perpetuate those friendships. I also really want to work on creating more of them and maybe even finding a hand holder that can be around for a while.. stable.
-> live in the now.. not in the future, not in the past.
I have spent a lot of the last few years talking about how i want to move here or there, or get a new job, or anything..but be where i am now. But i have come to realize that i really really like ventura. I love the weather, the weird people, the trees and ocean so smooshed together. I like my job.. even tho i don't love it.. i really enjoy the paid time off, the insurance, the security, the set schedule, the three day weekends, the people, the familiarity. So this year i want to spend the time actually enjoying ventura... go see all the places i have never been.. like the punch bowls.. which are apparently an aawesome spot to hike to..and i know there are tons of others. Lots of places i haven't eaten or explored. Part of me wants to make a photojournal of ventura.. cover all the different areas..or somethin.
so. if you do or have lived in ventura.. what are your favorite places? to hang out? to eat?
let me know.
i want to investigate.
-> smile and laugh. focus on the things that make me feel like a kid again.
I realized lately that i like myself a lot more when i am acting like a kid. so. i am going to try to make that a more frequent thing. hang out with people who inspire me to be more carefree.
-> go to disneyland an ungodly amount of times. :)
-> be less lonely.
haha now if only you spoke something to make it true. HA! so this seems like an odd one, i know. but i spend so much of my life alone, that i certainly am not afraid to go out and do what i want to do.. dinner, movies, concerts, shopping, etc alone.. but.. it doesn't mean that i don't feel any less lonely for it. I have to say that was one big reason that kristen was in my life for so long.. she was a constant companion.. and it helped to fight off the loneliness.. I am someone who doesn't need to be fully interactive when i hang out with someone and really enjoy just being in other's presence while we go about our seperate things.. whether chores, reading, or art projects.. anything. So this year i want to work on making myself feel less lonely when i hang out with myself.. not sure on how yet.. but damnit. i resolve to try!!!
-> host more social gatherings.
When i lived in the bayshore house i used to have so many parties and dinner gatherings. While i now live in a MUCH smaller place, i want to organize some sort of outing. Maybe a once a month friends all get together and go to dinner sort of thing. Bounce it between here and LA or do it in the middle or something. I think it would be great and fun.
I also could start holding more dinner parties here.. but do them slightly less traditional.. ie: maybe the whole sitting on the floor style. I just know that i seriously miss that part of my life.
-> spend more time in san francisco
I left my heart there. I would like to go retrieve it. And spend more time there in the process.
-> smoke less.
HA. okay. so this one is a comparative thing. but no really. I would like to get it cut down even more than i have this year. Hopefully without all the undue stress of the 2008 catastrophe.. i will be able to be less depressed and more.. myself.
-> get creative revolution off the ground.
This is a no brainer. I have had this business for a year and half now and it is still sitting on its ass. I come across so many people that would really benefit from this and i just can't seem to get my shit together. So i really want to focus this year on getting that at least going. Ie: business plan up, website up, some clientele. I know right now is the last time to be getting into any sort of economically balanced business. but. if nothing else, its a project i can work on in my spare time.
-> make some headway on the documentaries.
I have a list of three documentaries that i would really like to begin shooting this year. The progress is going to be a bit slow because of the need to travel and funds. But i want to at least tackle all the ones that are dependent on old people who might pass away, and all the people that are close to me. Again, another project for my "spare" time.
-> be myself more.
a lot of the time i am very shy about relaxing and being myself because i tend to be a bit crude and absurd. I talk about things that don't exist. I have whole conversations about scenarios that have and probable could never happen. I like to play devils advocate to make people explain themselves. I am a completely sarcastic bitch in real life. haha.. I am really silly and super hyper. ( I know a lot of that is dulled down by smoking.. but thats part of why i smoke) I really want to see more of these traits showing through this year. It just startled me to realize that people i have known for 3+ years, still really have no clue who i am.. like.. that i am a huge ham and always used to star in plays and stuff. Or about my likes and dislikes.. and i realized that its not them.. that its me.. that i am bad at projecting these things outward.
-> look people in the eyes.
I'm not sure when i stopped doing this.. but there became a point where i felt so vulnerable that i just stopped doing it.
and it needs to stop. but there is a lot i am always afraid to lay out there. my mom always used to say that you could read me through my eyes... and i have always known that they are a tell tale sign... i'm gonna go with the fact that on top of just being expressive.. they also tend to change colors with my mood. when i am depressed they are this weird hazel brown.. but when i am happy.. they line with green and get these weird turquoise blue puddles in them.. and if i'm upset and angry, they tend to flash bright green.. (a visual effect partially created by red eyes.. but not always.) Anyways. you get the point.
-> learn to wear my heart.
not on my sleeve. but somewhere. maybe on my backpack. But i have this feeling that by hiding all the things i feel for people and things.. and all the times i suppress myself needs to stop. and by putting my heart out there just a little more, i might be surprised at what i get back....
-> to not expect so much from others...
i have this problem. and really there isn't much to say other than it needs to be worked on. I did a lot of working on it this last year.. mostly in becoming aware of it. and doing my best to moderate it. But now i want to be damn familiart with it.. and know how to deal with it.
-> get less worked up over social situations.
i get so stressed and worked up about social situations. everything from chance meetings in bars to admitting my feelings to someone, i stress the fuck out. i get worked up and end up feeling physically sick. I let my mind dwell on things without progressing and just dig myself into a hole of self loathing. I want to find a way to balance the situation. I usually just smoke. but. then it limits my ability to be myself....so. i need to figure out a way to strike a fair balance.
aaaaaaaand
thats it.
:)
go 2009!!!
-> be more open about my spirituality.
I have been a practicing witch for about 10 years now. I very rarely talk about it and usually change the subject when it comes up because of the general view points of most people. I got a lot of ridicule in highschool about my choice of religion but now that i am 23 and i pretty much have it tattooed all over me, i feel like i need to be more open about it. Why? well. there are many times in my life where i have given up on celebrating some of my more important holidays because i want to spend time with friends but am too shy to say that i have plans because they would question what they are. I want to get to the point where i am able to do tarot readings and energy workings for friends, as well as having them join in the celebrations - even if they are just onlookers for a good portion of it. The hardest part is that spirtuality makes people vulnerable, no matter what your belief system - so its hard to hear things about the trendy propaganda involving my beliefs when it in no way applies to my actual practices.
To start this, i have posted my book of shadows online. Basically its a collection of notes on my beliefs and rituals, including tarot readings, holidays, and any sort of "haunting"/energy reading work that i do.
Here is the link: http://saress.livejournal.com/
The top page is my beliefs.. to read more.. you'll have to either join LJ.. and friend me..
or..
you can log into this dummy LJ account:
go to: www.livejournal.com
username: pepito4u
password: spacerdebaser2
From there just click on the friends page link - the saress journal is the one you will be looking at from there on out.
-> work on creating lasting relationships.
I have had some great friends for several years now and i really want to perpetuate those friendships. I also really want to work on creating more of them and maybe even finding a hand holder that can be around for a while.. stable.
-> live in the now.. not in the future, not in the past.
I have spent a lot of the last few years talking about how i want to move here or there, or get a new job, or anything..but be where i am now. But i have come to realize that i really really like ventura. I love the weather, the weird people, the trees and ocean so smooshed together. I like my job.. even tho i don't love it.. i really enjoy the paid time off, the insurance, the security, the set schedule, the three day weekends, the people, the familiarity. So this year i want to spend the time actually enjoying ventura... go see all the places i have never been.. like the punch bowls.. which are apparently an aawesome spot to hike to..and i know there are tons of others. Lots of places i haven't eaten or explored. Part of me wants to make a photojournal of ventura.. cover all the different areas..or somethin.
so. if you do or have lived in ventura.. what are your favorite places? to hang out? to eat?
let me know.
i want to investigate.
-> smile and laugh. focus on the things that make me feel like a kid again.
I realized lately that i like myself a lot more when i am acting like a kid. so. i am going to try to make that a more frequent thing. hang out with people who inspire me to be more carefree.
-> go to disneyland an ungodly amount of times. :)
-> be less lonely.
haha now if only you spoke something to make it true. HA! so this seems like an odd one, i know. but i spend so much of my life alone, that i certainly am not afraid to go out and do what i want to do.. dinner, movies, concerts, shopping, etc alone.. but.. it doesn't mean that i don't feel any less lonely for it. I have to say that was one big reason that kristen was in my life for so long.. she was a constant companion.. and it helped to fight off the loneliness.. I am someone who doesn't need to be fully interactive when i hang out with someone and really enjoy just being in other's presence while we go about our seperate things.. whether chores, reading, or art projects.. anything. So this year i want to work on making myself feel less lonely when i hang out with myself.. not sure on how yet.. but damnit. i resolve to try!!!
-> host more social gatherings.
When i lived in the bayshore house i used to have so many parties and dinner gatherings. While i now live in a MUCH smaller place, i want to organize some sort of outing. Maybe a once a month friends all get together and go to dinner sort of thing. Bounce it between here and LA or do it in the middle or something. I think it would be great and fun.
I also could start holding more dinner parties here.. but do them slightly less traditional.. ie: maybe the whole sitting on the floor style. I just know that i seriously miss that part of my life.
-> spend more time in san francisco
I left my heart there. I would like to go retrieve it. And spend more time there in the process.
-> smoke less.
HA. okay. so this one is a comparative thing. but no really. I would like to get it cut down even more than i have this year. Hopefully without all the undue stress of the 2008 catastrophe.. i will be able to be less depressed and more.. myself.
-> get creative revolution off the ground.
This is a no brainer. I have had this business for a year and half now and it is still sitting on its ass. I come across so many people that would really benefit from this and i just can't seem to get my shit together. So i really want to focus this year on getting that at least going. Ie: business plan up, website up, some clientele. I know right now is the last time to be getting into any sort of economically balanced business. but. if nothing else, its a project i can work on in my spare time.
-> make some headway on the documentaries.
I have a list of three documentaries that i would really like to begin shooting this year. The progress is going to be a bit slow because of the need to travel and funds. But i want to at least tackle all the ones that are dependent on old people who might pass away, and all the people that are close to me. Again, another project for my "spare" time.
-> be myself more.
a lot of the time i am very shy about relaxing and being myself because i tend to be a bit crude and absurd. I talk about things that don't exist. I have whole conversations about scenarios that have and probable could never happen. I like to play devils advocate to make people explain themselves. I am a completely sarcastic bitch in real life. haha.. I am really silly and super hyper. ( I know a lot of that is dulled down by smoking.. but thats part of why i smoke) I really want to see more of these traits showing through this year. It just startled me to realize that people i have known for 3+ years, still really have no clue who i am.. like.. that i am a huge ham and always used to star in plays and stuff. Or about my likes and dislikes.. and i realized that its not them.. that its me.. that i am bad at projecting these things outward.
-> look people in the eyes.
I'm not sure when i stopped doing this.. but there became a point where i felt so vulnerable that i just stopped doing it.
and it needs to stop. but there is a lot i am always afraid to lay out there. my mom always used to say that you could read me through my eyes... and i have always known that they are a tell tale sign... i'm gonna go with the fact that on top of just being expressive.. they also tend to change colors with my mood. when i am depressed they are this weird hazel brown.. but when i am happy.. they line with green and get these weird turquoise blue puddles in them.. and if i'm upset and angry, they tend to flash bright green.. (a visual effect partially created by red eyes.. but not always.) Anyways. you get the point.
-> learn to wear my heart.
not on my sleeve. but somewhere. maybe on my backpack. But i have this feeling that by hiding all the things i feel for people and things.. and all the times i suppress myself needs to stop. and by putting my heart out there just a little more, i might be surprised at what i get back....
-> to not expect so much from others...
i have this problem. and really there isn't much to say other than it needs to be worked on. I did a lot of working on it this last year.. mostly in becoming aware of it. and doing my best to moderate it. But now i want to be damn familiart with it.. and know how to deal with it.
-> get less worked up over social situations.
i get so stressed and worked up about social situations. everything from chance meetings in bars to admitting my feelings to someone, i stress the fuck out. i get worked up and end up feeling physically sick. I let my mind dwell on things without progressing and just dig myself into a hole of self loathing. I want to find a way to balance the situation. I usually just smoke. but. then it limits my ability to be myself....so. i need to figure out a way to strike a fair balance.
aaaaaaaand
thats it.
:)
go 2009!!!