better to have loved and lost
better to have loved and lost
jaejoong/changmin, past jaejoong/junsu, and slight junsu/changmin
light R
a/n. inspired by the latest softerworld strip, and a continuation of this.
When Changmin's just turned twenty-one, he meets Jaejoong. Jaejoong, with his wild lack of inhibition and dark eyes beneath a fringe of shockingly blond hair. Jaejoong, who loves and speaks freely, who's got too many piercings to name and wants to get a full-body tattoo of nothing at all, just because he can. Changmin doesn't mean to fall in love, because Jaejoong's not his type at all, but he does anyway. He falls hard and he falls fast, and before he even knows it, Jaejoong's too far ahead for him to confess. Heartbreak, Changmin thinks, and he says it right after because he needs to memorize the shape of it in his mouth. Because he knows, one way or another, this is how it will end.
The first time it happens, Changmin has a ring in a box tucked away in his coat pocket, and Jaejoong's got all these whimsies of flying away. Changmin's got a hand on Jaejoong's arm like it'll keep him grounded, but the thing about Jaejoong is he's like zero gravity, some prophet whose dreams will always come true one way, or another. Maybe that's what Changmin loves about him, is the way he always knows what to do, the determined way he lives his life. Changmin only wishes Jaejoong was this determined about the two of them.
"Changmin-ah, d'you see those two over there?" Jaejoong murmurs, head tilted thoughtfully.
Changmin glances over, noting the way the girl looks at her boyfriend as if he is the world, and he doesn't even seem to notice. "Yeah," Changmin says quietly.
Jaejoong hums and leans in close, nuzzling Changmin's jaw. "That's us, you know. But the real question is, who's who?"
Sometimes, Changmin hates how Jaejoong seems to know his every thought, thinks that if this were a conventional relationship, he'd be elated over this fact. But he and Jaejoong, they'll never be normal. And perhaps that is why Changmin keeps hanging on, despite the way his heart sinks as Jaejoong pulls away. Changmin decides to save the ring for a rainy day.
The second time is not so subtle, it's loud and filled with the clashing of their voices raising higher and higher. Changmin aches to just take Jaejoong into his arms but Jaejoong's like a frightened animal, eyes wild and angry. He's got the ring, still in the box, clenched tightly in his hand as he screams at Changmin for it, like Changmin's just committed some obscene crime. Changmin's hurt and confused and angry at himself for being so weak, tears the box out of Jaejoong's grasp and hurls it at the door. He tells Jaejoong to get out, never to come back, and Jaejoong does. Changmin falls asleep with salt on his lips, the box mocking him from the nightstand.
Jaejoong comes back an hour later with honeyed apologies in the curve of Changmin's ear, his hands on Changmin's face, tender caresses. Changmin lets Jaejoong turn him over and strip him bare, lets Jaejoong kiss him softly. Changmin's numb beneath Jaejoong's wandering hands, can barely feel anything but his heart stuttering under his ribcage as Jaejoong fucks him slow and sure. This is everything he wants and nothing like what he needs, Jaejoong pressing against him so completely that Changmin can almost pretend they'll be forever.
(In the morning, Changmin will take the ring out of the box and watch Jaejoong as he sleeps. He'll think about everything he could have said and didn't, and realize that maybe this ring was never Jaejoong's in the first place. He'll put it on and when Jaejoong says nothing of it, he'll feel the word engraved there and know he's right.)
Changmin's out shopping for dinner when he runs into Junsu, quite literally - he'd been looking at his list instead of watching where he was going. They strike up friendly conversation and Changmin finds that Junsu's cute and funny. Junsu says he's not looking for anything because he's been left broken-hearted. Changmin twists the ring on his finger and says, yeah, I know what you mean. Only Junsu's recovering and Changmin's still letting it happen. Changmin asks what they were like, this person who broke Junsu's heart, and Junsu describes Jaejoong down to the ink on his back.
When Changmin finally admits, after a long moment, that Junsu's Jaejoong is now his Jaejoong, Junsu's surprised. "Has he changed?" Junsu asks softly, more caring curiosity than lingering love.
Changmin shakes his head, smiling wistfully. "No, and I don't think I'd ever want him to."
Junsu makes a small noise of agreement, brows furrowed, then with a nervous lick of his lips, jots down his number on an old receipt. "If you ever need someone to talk to," he says with a tiny smile.
Changmin doesn't say anything to Jaejoong about his encounter. It wouldn't do any good, because as far as Changmin's concerned, Jaejoong's a work in progress that'll never be finished, a trail of hearts behind him like notches on a bedpost. He'll keep Jaejoong while he can, and when Jaejoong's ready to fly away, Changmin'll let him. If there's anything Changmin still believes in, it's that if you love something and let it go, and it comes back, it's meant to be.
"I'm leaving," Jaejoong says with sad eyes, fingers curled around the doorknob. Changmin almost thinks he sees regret in there somewhere, half-wonders if he called Jaejoong out on it, would it do any good? But he doesn't, and he doesn't reach out for Jaejoong one last time like he wants to. Changmin just nods because Jaejoong is Jaejoong, and if anything, his consistent inconsistency is what Changmin's loved about him from the start.
Jaejoong smiles softly and reaches out with a hand, fingers light over Changmin's cheekbone. "You'll find someone better than I could ever be," he says, and then he's gone.
Changmin looks down at the ring and smiles too, because while Jaejoong's not right just yet, Changmin has a feeling he could be. He opens the door. "Jaejoong," he calls, and Jaejoong turns, eyes unreadable. Changmin takes off the ring and places it in Jaejoong's palm, curling Jaejoong's fingers around it. "I think this is yours, after all," he murmurs, smiling. This time, Jaejoong puts the ring on.
("Heartbreak," Changmin'd said, when Jaejoong asked what the engraving on the ring was. "You're going to be my heartbreak, hyung.")
When Changmin's back inside his apartment, he picks up the phone. "Hi, Junsu-sshi? Ah, yeah, it's Shim Changmin. So, um, are you free tonight?"
jaejoong/changmin, past jaejoong/junsu, and slight junsu/changmin
light R
a/n. inspired by the latest softerworld strip, and a continuation of this.
When Changmin's just turned twenty-one, he meets Jaejoong. Jaejoong, with his wild lack of inhibition and dark eyes beneath a fringe of shockingly blond hair. Jaejoong, who loves and speaks freely, who's got too many piercings to name and wants to get a full-body tattoo of nothing at all, just because he can. Changmin doesn't mean to fall in love, because Jaejoong's not his type at all, but he does anyway. He falls hard and he falls fast, and before he even knows it, Jaejoong's too far ahead for him to confess. Heartbreak, Changmin thinks, and he says it right after because he needs to memorize the shape of it in his mouth. Because he knows, one way or another, this is how it will end.
The first time it happens, Changmin has a ring in a box tucked away in his coat pocket, and Jaejoong's got all these whimsies of flying away. Changmin's got a hand on Jaejoong's arm like it'll keep him grounded, but the thing about Jaejoong is he's like zero gravity, some prophet whose dreams will always come true one way, or another. Maybe that's what Changmin loves about him, is the way he always knows what to do, the determined way he lives his life. Changmin only wishes Jaejoong was this determined about the two of them.
"Changmin-ah, d'you see those two over there?" Jaejoong murmurs, head tilted thoughtfully.
Changmin glances over, noting the way the girl looks at her boyfriend as if he is the world, and he doesn't even seem to notice. "Yeah," Changmin says quietly.
Jaejoong hums and leans in close, nuzzling Changmin's jaw. "That's us, you know. But the real question is, who's who?"
Sometimes, Changmin hates how Jaejoong seems to know his every thought, thinks that if this were a conventional relationship, he'd be elated over this fact. But he and Jaejoong, they'll never be normal. And perhaps that is why Changmin keeps hanging on, despite the way his heart sinks as Jaejoong pulls away. Changmin decides to save the ring for a rainy day.
The second time is not so subtle, it's loud and filled with the clashing of their voices raising higher and higher. Changmin aches to just take Jaejoong into his arms but Jaejoong's like a frightened animal, eyes wild and angry. He's got the ring, still in the box, clenched tightly in his hand as he screams at Changmin for it, like Changmin's just committed some obscene crime. Changmin's hurt and confused and angry at himself for being so weak, tears the box out of Jaejoong's grasp and hurls it at the door. He tells Jaejoong to get out, never to come back, and Jaejoong does. Changmin falls asleep with salt on his lips, the box mocking him from the nightstand.
Jaejoong comes back an hour later with honeyed apologies in the curve of Changmin's ear, his hands on Changmin's face, tender caresses. Changmin lets Jaejoong turn him over and strip him bare, lets Jaejoong kiss him softly. Changmin's numb beneath Jaejoong's wandering hands, can barely feel anything but his heart stuttering under his ribcage as Jaejoong fucks him slow and sure. This is everything he wants and nothing like what he needs, Jaejoong pressing against him so completely that Changmin can almost pretend they'll be forever.
(In the morning, Changmin will take the ring out of the box and watch Jaejoong as he sleeps. He'll think about everything he could have said and didn't, and realize that maybe this ring was never Jaejoong's in the first place. He'll put it on and when Jaejoong says nothing of it, he'll feel the word engraved there and know he's right.)
Changmin's out shopping for dinner when he runs into Junsu, quite literally - he'd been looking at his list instead of watching where he was going. They strike up friendly conversation and Changmin finds that Junsu's cute and funny. Junsu says he's not looking for anything because he's been left broken-hearted. Changmin twists the ring on his finger and says, yeah, I know what you mean. Only Junsu's recovering and Changmin's still letting it happen. Changmin asks what they were like, this person who broke Junsu's heart, and Junsu describes Jaejoong down to the ink on his back.
When Changmin finally admits, after a long moment, that Junsu's Jaejoong is now his Jaejoong, Junsu's surprised. "Has he changed?" Junsu asks softly, more caring curiosity than lingering love.
Changmin shakes his head, smiling wistfully. "No, and I don't think I'd ever want him to."
Junsu makes a small noise of agreement, brows furrowed, then with a nervous lick of his lips, jots down his number on an old receipt. "If you ever need someone to talk to," he says with a tiny smile.
Changmin doesn't say anything to Jaejoong about his encounter. It wouldn't do any good, because as far as Changmin's concerned, Jaejoong's a work in progress that'll never be finished, a trail of hearts behind him like notches on a bedpost. He'll keep Jaejoong while he can, and when Jaejoong's ready to fly away, Changmin'll let him. If there's anything Changmin still believes in, it's that if you love something and let it go, and it comes back, it's meant to be.
"I'm leaving," Jaejoong says with sad eyes, fingers curled around the doorknob. Changmin almost thinks he sees regret in there somewhere, half-wonders if he called Jaejoong out on it, would it do any good? But he doesn't, and he doesn't reach out for Jaejoong one last time like he wants to. Changmin just nods because Jaejoong is Jaejoong, and if anything, his consistent inconsistency is what Changmin's loved about him from the start.
Jaejoong smiles softly and reaches out with a hand, fingers light over Changmin's cheekbone. "You'll find someone better than I could ever be," he says, and then he's gone.
Changmin looks down at the ring and smiles too, because while Jaejoong's not right just yet, Changmin has a feeling he could be. He opens the door. "Jaejoong," he calls, and Jaejoong turns, eyes unreadable. Changmin takes off the ring and places it in Jaejoong's palm, curling Jaejoong's fingers around it. "I think this is yours, after all," he murmurs, smiling. This time, Jaejoong puts the ring on.
("Heartbreak," Changmin'd said, when Jaejoong asked what the engraving on the ring was. "You're going to be my heartbreak, hyung.")
When Changmin's back inside his apartment, he picks up the phone. "Hi, Junsu-sshi? Ah, yeah, it's Shim Changmin. So, um, are you free tonight?"