it's harder to say something than nothing at all
it's harder to say something than nothing at all
yoochun/junsu, slight junsu/changmin
pg
a/n. my first remix! the original is it's easier to imagine by preorder ♥ this was written for the most awesome remix challenge ever.
Sometimes, Junsu really worries about Yoochun. He also wonders about Yoochun, but the worrying generally comes first. There'll be conversations with Junsu asking after Yoochun's lack of eating habits, followed by Yoochun's easy flirting that's like chocolate melting on the tongue. But chocolate's addicting, and Junsu's never been dependent on anything.
Yoochun, though, he craves. The nicotine he doesn't think Junsu knows about, the way he touches all the time, it's nothing new to Junsu. It was always weird at first, the way he'd drape himself over the nearest body available, or the way he'd never give up the chance to brush fingers along Junsu's arm as he passed. Junsu wasn't used to it. But in time he's come to grow so close to Yoochun he feels he's breaking in two if he doesn't receive at least one or two of those touches a day. It's frightening.
(Yoochun hugs him and it's nice, too nice. But Yoochun's still all bones, sharp and disconcerting as he presses too-close and breathes against Junsu's neck. There could be a moment here, one where Junsu might tilt his head just so, as Yoochun's pulling back. But then Yoochun's back to his normal self, all teasing touches and insults about Junsu's girlish figure, and the moment's a broken what-if. Junsu's not ready for this yet, anyway.)
Then it's not so much of a secret anymore that Yoochun's into guys. Junsu knew before Yoochun told them, of course. Despite what people think, he notices things, and Yoochun's subtle glances at the opposite sex weren't actually all that subtle, anyway. If it weren't so confusing and the main cause of Junsu's early mid-life crisis, he'd probably be amused and take every chance he could to tease Yoochun mercilessly. Part of Junsu still wants it to be a secret, because even though Yoochun wasn't aware that he knew, he felt like it was something just between them, something like Yoochun has with Jaejoong.
(Junsu asks what it's like, but he's pretty sure he already knows. Thinks maybe he just wants to hear it from Yoochun. Yoochun, who traces thin lines of heat against Junsu's skin, unnerving him that Yoochun's touch affects him so. It's like Yoochun's trying to draw out all of his little secrets, fingertips on a mark that's branded with Yoochun's prints now, perceptual memory. The way Yoochun speaks, it's as if it's cutting him to the bone, because it could be Junsu Yoochun's talking about. But if it is, Junsu's setting up for heartbreak - he's just not sure whose.)
Junsu coaxes Changmin into spending a nice hour or two of gaming with him. They've got a half-day tomorrow that doesn't start until late, so it's okay if they stay up well into the night hours. The house is quiet save for the muted sounds of Junsu kicking Changmin's ass on the television, everyone else already asleep or trying. While gaming is usually a sure-fire way of settling the thoughts in his head, Junsu can't get the image of Yoochun from earlier out of it.
Changmin was already in the living room when Junsu came in, Yoochun sat on his lap with laughing eyes that slid hooded as soon as he looked up and saw Junsu there. Yoochun avoided Junsu's eyes as he left. The strange look Changmin gave Junsu after was no less unsettling, but up until now Junsu's kept quiet, letting Changmin keep his thoughts to himself on whatever happened between he and Yoochun. And possibly, Junsu thinks, on whatever he thinks is happening between Junsu and Yoochun - Changmin's been known to be eerily perceptible with things like this.
"Hyung," Changmin says, breaking Junsu out of his reverie. "I just beat you. Because you stopped playing."
Junsu blinks and looks at the screen - sure enough, Changmin's beat him by a considerable amount, one that ordinarily, Junsu would never have let happen. Damn. "Oops," he says.
"Alright, what is going on?" Changmin says, sighing and tossing the controller aside. "You've been awfully quiet all night, and now you're just spacing out completely."
"It's noth-" The hard look Changmin's giving him stops Junsu from completing the sentence. Junsu can't just wave this one off with a smile and a redo. "How do you know if you're gay?"
Changmin doesn't look the least bit surprised by Junsu's question, which leads him to believe that either Changmin can read minds, or Junsu's just not as good at hiding like he's always thought he was. "You like looking at men," Changmin replies promptly, lips twitching.
Junsu frowns, shoving Changmin's shoulder. "Hey, seriously, okay? I mean... how do I know I like men? I've never liked them before, I don't think."
Changmin shrugs, finger wrapping around a controller cord. "Hyung, I can't tell you if you like guys or not. You either do, or you don't. It's pretty much black and white." He pauses, head tilted thoughtfully. "Unless you like both. Then it's just confusing."
Junsu sighs exaggeratedly. "That doesn't help me one bit!" he cries, burying his face in his hands. What's worse, is he's pretty sure he doesn't like men at all. It's just one, the only one.
"Junsu-hyung," Changmin says quietly, and the sofa dips as Changmin shifts closer. "Junsu."
Junsu looks up and Changmin kisses him, soft and sweet. It's not that much different than kissing a girl, except Changmin's lips are a little chapped, and he's much more confident than Junsu's girlfriend had been. Changmin's kiss is also a little sadder. Junsu pulls away, frowning again. "Chang-"
"Don't," Changmin says evenly, smiling softly and betraying almost nothing. "Did it help?"
Junsu nods, licking his lips absently. Changmin tasted like cinnamon. "I'm sorry," he says after a moment.
Changmin shrugs again, squeezing Junsu's leg as he gets up. "Don't be, hyung. I'm not."
Junsu decides to try and subtly get information out of Yoochun, or anything, really. Yoochun feels too far away lately, and Junsu misses their closeness. So, knowing there's probably something Yoochun's done in the past few days that he's hiding, Junsu sneaks into Yoochun's room, cheerful with the prospect of just-woken Yoochun. He'll never tell, but that's when he loves Yoochun best. "I know your secret. You think you’re so sneaky, Park Yoochun, don’t you!"
Yoochun's eyes crack open blearily from his cocoon of blankets, hair messy around his face. Junsu smiles a little wider. "Which one?" Yoochun says, and Junsu cringes a little inside at how cranky Yoochun sounds. "The one where I like you, or the one where I accidentally broke Jaejoong’s glasses yesterday? Because Jaejoong hasn’t found out about his glasses yet and I’d rather you not judge me for the first."
Junsu's heart catches onto the first bit a couple of seconds before his brain does, tripping all over itself in his chest. By the time he finally takes it in completely, he can't undo the look of shock on his face in time to tell Yoochun I like you, too, can I kiss you now. Yoochun swears and apologizes weakly, running over anything Junsu tries to force out of his mouth, and leaves.
Yoochun avoids Junsu the rest of the day, and Junsu can't figure out what it is he did wrong.
"You should go talk to him," Jaejoong says, playing with the end of the cigarette caught between his fingers. The smoke curls and floats away like it knows exactly how harmful it is. Junsu looks away, quiet. "I mean it," Jaejoong prompts again, relentless. "He's been a blubbering mass of blubberface all day, and I love him to death but it's tiring. I had to send him to Yunho."
"That bad, huh?" Junsu says absently, watching the lights twinkle below. There's silence between them for a beat, then two, then, "I don't know what to say."
"Don't say anything," Jaejoong says, and when Junsu turns his head, Jaejoong's watching him steadily, "Unless you really mean it. Even if it's no."
It takes more effort than Junsu thought it would to corner Yoochun alone. In between photo shoots and more performances, Yoochun's like cigarette smoke, making sure to keep his distance, and every time he floats away Junsu's heart hurts a little more.
"Yunhoyah," Junsu says, kicking lightly at the edge of the couch. He'd just tried to talk to Yoochun as they got back from the last shoot of the day, but Yoochun had mumbled something and taken off for the music room. "Tell Yoochun to go to his room." He sits down with a sigh, glancing over to find Yunho smiling softly. "What?"
"Nothing. Just wondering when you were going to come to me, too," Yunho says, offering an arm that Junsu curls into gratefully. "Have you talked to him, yet?"
"That's why I told you to send him to his room," Junsu says flatly, tinges of frustration surfacing despite the relief that Yunho knows what he's here about. "He's hiding from me."
"You know why, though," Yunho says, rubbing Junsu's arm gently. "You know Yoochun."
Junsu glares at the table. "I know he's being a pain in my ass right now," he grumbles.
"You don't mean that," Yunho says softly, the smile heard clearly. "Besides, if it's not worth fighting for, then what good is it?"
Junsu's silent for a moment, letting the words sink in. "It, huh?"
"Yeah," Yunho says, nothing more. Junsu understands.
"So will you tell him to go his room, then?" he asks hopefully.
"No."
Junsu hums, settling back into the curve of Yunho's arm. "You're no help at all, Leadersshi."
"That's what I'm here for," Yunho replies cheerfully. "You'll just have to lock him in his room or something."
Oddly enough, that's exactly how Junsu finally gets Yoochun to face him. It's not pre-planned, it's not easy, not happy. Yoochun's angry and resigned, like he knows he's something Junsu will never want. Junsu's not sure if he's more angry at Yoochun for being so selfish, or at himself for not doing this sooner. Yoochun's wrists are still so skinny between Junsu's fingers, and his pulse is rapidfire and when he says he's delicate, Junsu can believe it. He can believe it, but he won't break Yoochun. He can't.
It was never a heartbreak Junsu was getting ready for. It was love, that scary, stomach-dropping jump he's never taken. So he jumps. Yoochun's warm, close and right in Junsu's arms. "Yoochunah, I still haven’t said no yet."
(Junsu whispers, "I like you, too, by the way. Can we kiss now?" and Yoochun laughs, tears in his eyes. He tastes salty-sweet, like chocolate and addiction.)
yoochun/junsu, slight junsu/changmin
pg
a/n. my first remix! the original is it's easier to imagine by preorder ♥ this was written for the most awesome remix challenge ever.
Sometimes, Junsu really worries about Yoochun. He also wonders about Yoochun, but the worrying generally comes first. There'll be conversations with Junsu asking after Yoochun's lack of eating habits, followed by Yoochun's easy flirting that's like chocolate melting on the tongue. But chocolate's addicting, and Junsu's never been dependent on anything.
Yoochun, though, he craves. The nicotine he doesn't think Junsu knows about, the way he touches all the time, it's nothing new to Junsu. It was always weird at first, the way he'd drape himself over the nearest body available, or the way he'd never give up the chance to brush fingers along Junsu's arm as he passed. Junsu wasn't used to it. But in time he's come to grow so close to Yoochun he feels he's breaking in two if he doesn't receive at least one or two of those touches a day. It's frightening.
(Yoochun hugs him and it's nice, too nice. But Yoochun's still all bones, sharp and disconcerting as he presses too-close and breathes against Junsu's neck. There could be a moment here, one where Junsu might tilt his head just so, as Yoochun's pulling back. But then Yoochun's back to his normal self, all teasing touches and insults about Junsu's girlish figure, and the moment's a broken what-if. Junsu's not ready for this yet, anyway.)
Then it's not so much of a secret anymore that Yoochun's into guys. Junsu knew before Yoochun told them, of course. Despite what people think, he notices things, and Yoochun's subtle glances at the opposite sex weren't actually all that subtle, anyway. If it weren't so confusing and the main cause of Junsu's early mid-life crisis, he'd probably be amused and take every chance he could to tease Yoochun mercilessly. Part of Junsu still wants it to be a secret, because even though Yoochun wasn't aware that he knew, he felt like it was something just between them, something like Yoochun has with Jaejoong.
(Junsu asks what it's like, but he's pretty sure he already knows. Thinks maybe he just wants to hear it from Yoochun. Yoochun, who traces thin lines of heat against Junsu's skin, unnerving him that Yoochun's touch affects him so. It's like Yoochun's trying to draw out all of his little secrets, fingertips on a mark that's branded with Yoochun's prints now, perceptual memory. The way Yoochun speaks, it's as if it's cutting him to the bone, because it could be Junsu Yoochun's talking about. But if it is, Junsu's setting up for heartbreak - he's just not sure whose.)
Junsu coaxes Changmin into spending a nice hour or two of gaming with him. They've got a half-day tomorrow that doesn't start until late, so it's okay if they stay up well into the night hours. The house is quiet save for the muted sounds of Junsu kicking Changmin's ass on the television, everyone else already asleep or trying. While gaming is usually a sure-fire way of settling the thoughts in his head, Junsu can't get the image of Yoochun from earlier out of it.
Changmin was already in the living room when Junsu came in, Yoochun sat on his lap with laughing eyes that slid hooded as soon as he looked up and saw Junsu there. Yoochun avoided Junsu's eyes as he left. The strange look Changmin gave Junsu after was no less unsettling, but up until now Junsu's kept quiet, letting Changmin keep his thoughts to himself on whatever happened between he and Yoochun. And possibly, Junsu thinks, on whatever he thinks is happening between Junsu and Yoochun - Changmin's been known to be eerily perceptible with things like this.
"Hyung," Changmin says, breaking Junsu out of his reverie. "I just beat you. Because you stopped playing."
Junsu blinks and looks at the screen - sure enough, Changmin's beat him by a considerable amount, one that ordinarily, Junsu would never have let happen. Damn. "Oops," he says.
"Alright, what is going on?" Changmin says, sighing and tossing the controller aside. "You've been awfully quiet all night, and now you're just spacing out completely."
"It's noth-" The hard look Changmin's giving him stops Junsu from completing the sentence. Junsu can't just wave this one off with a smile and a redo. "How do you know if you're gay?"
Changmin doesn't look the least bit surprised by Junsu's question, which leads him to believe that either Changmin can read minds, or Junsu's just not as good at hiding like he's always thought he was. "You like looking at men," Changmin replies promptly, lips twitching.
Junsu frowns, shoving Changmin's shoulder. "Hey, seriously, okay? I mean... how do I know I like men? I've never liked them before, I don't think."
Changmin shrugs, finger wrapping around a controller cord. "Hyung, I can't tell you if you like guys or not. You either do, or you don't. It's pretty much black and white." He pauses, head tilted thoughtfully. "Unless you like both. Then it's just confusing."
Junsu sighs exaggeratedly. "That doesn't help me one bit!" he cries, burying his face in his hands. What's worse, is he's pretty sure he doesn't like men at all. It's just one, the only one.
"Junsu-hyung," Changmin says quietly, and the sofa dips as Changmin shifts closer. "Junsu."
Junsu looks up and Changmin kisses him, soft and sweet. It's not that much different than kissing a girl, except Changmin's lips are a little chapped, and he's much more confident than Junsu's girlfriend had been. Changmin's kiss is also a little sadder. Junsu pulls away, frowning again. "Chang-"
"Don't," Changmin says evenly, smiling softly and betraying almost nothing. "Did it help?"
Junsu nods, licking his lips absently. Changmin tasted like cinnamon. "I'm sorry," he says after a moment.
Changmin shrugs again, squeezing Junsu's leg as he gets up. "Don't be, hyung. I'm not."
Junsu decides to try and subtly get information out of Yoochun, or anything, really. Yoochun feels too far away lately, and Junsu misses their closeness. So, knowing there's probably something Yoochun's done in the past few days that he's hiding, Junsu sneaks into Yoochun's room, cheerful with the prospect of just-woken Yoochun. He'll never tell, but that's when he loves Yoochun best. "I know your secret. You think you’re so sneaky, Park Yoochun, don’t you!"
Yoochun's eyes crack open blearily from his cocoon of blankets, hair messy around his face. Junsu smiles a little wider. "Which one?" Yoochun says, and Junsu cringes a little inside at how cranky Yoochun sounds. "The one where I like you, or the one where I accidentally broke Jaejoong’s glasses yesterday? Because Jaejoong hasn’t found out about his glasses yet and I’d rather you not judge me for the first."
Junsu's heart catches onto the first bit a couple of seconds before his brain does, tripping all over itself in his chest. By the time he finally takes it in completely, he can't undo the look of shock on his face in time to tell Yoochun I like you, too, can I kiss you now. Yoochun swears and apologizes weakly, running over anything Junsu tries to force out of his mouth, and leaves.
Yoochun avoids Junsu the rest of the day, and Junsu can't figure out what it is he did wrong.
"You should go talk to him," Jaejoong says, playing with the end of the cigarette caught between his fingers. The smoke curls and floats away like it knows exactly how harmful it is. Junsu looks away, quiet. "I mean it," Jaejoong prompts again, relentless. "He's been a blubbering mass of blubberface all day, and I love him to death but it's tiring. I had to send him to Yunho."
"That bad, huh?" Junsu says absently, watching the lights twinkle below. There's silence between them for a beat, then two, then, "I don't know what to say."
"Don't say anything," Jaejoong says, and when Junsu turns his head, Jaejoong's watching him steadily, "Unless you really mean it. Even if it's no."
It takes more effort than Junsu thought it would to corner Yoochun alone. In between photo shoots and more performances, Yoochun's like cigarette smoke, making sure to keep his distance, and every time he floats away Junsu's heart hurts a little more.
"Yunhoyah," Junsu says, kicking lightly at the edge of the couch. He'd just tried to talk to Yoochun as they got back from the last shoot of the day, but Yoochun had mumbled something and taken off for the music room. "Tell Yoochun to go to his room." He sits down with a sigh, glancing over to find Yunho smiling softly. "What?"
"Nothing. Just wondering when you were going to come to me, too," Yunho says, offering an arm that Junsu curls into gratefully. "Have you talked to him, yet?"
"That's why I told you to send him to his room," Junsu says flatly, tinges of frustration surfacing despite the relief that Yunho knows what he's here about. "He's hiding from me."
"You know why, though," Yunho says, rubbing Junsu's arm gently. "You know Yoochun."
Junsu glares at the table. "I know he's being a pain in my ass right now," he grumbles.
"You don't mean that," Yunho says softly, the smile heard clearly. "Besides, if it's not worth fighting for, then what good is it?"
Junsu's silent for a moment, letting the words sink in. "It, huh?"
"Yeah," Yunho says, nothing more. Junsu understands.
"So will you tell him to go his room, then?" he asks hopefully.
"No."
Junsu hums, settling back into the curve of Yunho's arm. "You're no help at all, Leadersshi."
"That's what I'm here for," Yunho replies cheerfully. "You'll just have to lock him in his room or something."
Oddly enough, that's exactly how Junsu finally gets Yoochun to face him. It's not pre-planned, it's not easy, not happy. Yoochun's angry and resigned, like he knows he's something Junsu will never want. Junsu's not sure if he's more angry at Yoochun for being so selfish, or at himself for not doing this sooner. Yoochun's wrists are still so skinny between Junsu's fingers, and his pulse is rapidfire and when he says he's delicate, Junsu can believe it. He can believe it, but he won't break Yoochun. He can't.
It was never a heartbreak Junsu was getting ready for. It was love, that scary, stomach-dropping jump he's never taken. So he jumps. Yoochun's warm, close and right in Junsu's arms. "Yoochunah, I still haven’t said no yet."
(Junsu whispers, "I like you, too, by the way. Can we kiss now?" and Yoochun laughs, tears in his eyes. He tastes salty-sweet, like chocolate and addiction.)