(no subject)
Okay! I need to find where Douwe is mentally, right now. Snapple gave me a place to start, I just have to figure out what the hell she is DOING, because WTF.
First thing we’re going to look at are her motivations. She has three, in order of importance to her decisions: Acceptance, Purpose, and Freedom. Acceptance and Purpose get along very well, but Freedom keeps getting shoved more and more to the side, because she contradicts what the other ones want, and they are much stronger than her. And this makes her bitter, because Freedom used to be Number One of the group.
But we’ll actually start with history, since that sets up everything else.
History, detailed. Her mother spoiled her. Her life consisted of the two of them, as far as Douwe can remember now. She had Kore as a friend, but she was outside of the circle. Her father was a distant figure that she rarely saw, her brothers in his shadow. None of them seemed overly interested in this peculiar random daughter who appeared came out of nowhere (there’s about a ten-year gap between her and Kyle, and a thirteen one between her and Ren). Then her mother died. She had nobody. She was shunted into the Archer’s School because she was of age, but with no familial support or anyone she could turn to help, she sucked. Royally. Her teacher, who would later marry Kyle, mentioned this to him. Kyle decided to tutor Douwe one on one. She claims it was for family duty. It could very well be, I don’t know.
This is where most of her emotional scarring comes from. He was tough. He was unforgiving. He pushed her to extremes that she could not handle easily, especially considering this all happened before she was twelve. He pounded it into her head that she was not good enough, would not be good enough. However, she loved him. Everything revolved around him. Because he was the only person that was paying attention to her, making effort on her behalf. So, in a roundabout way, he DID care about her. He had to. He had to.
Then she graduated, in the advanced class, though not at the top of it, and was promptly ignored by him again. She had passed, no more needed to be said. She was a ‘decent’ Archer. It broke her heart. He got married, had a child, and everything turned to them. Ren was the same way. They ceased to be part of themselves, and became part of a larger unit that could not include her, in her mind. She gained nephews, and suddenly all time was devoted to these children. Which is the core of her marriage issue, as well as having children.
Tsael appeared a year or so later, and she quickly fell for him, because he was kind, strong, gentle…perfect. Especially for her thirteen-year-old mind. He accepted her, even though he was older, and they explored and traveled and experienced things and it was awesome. And then that fell apart, because he went to be a Knight. And he didn’t tell her that he was; she found out fifth-hand from a random conversation about his mother. Never sent her a letter, never came back.
So she left, went to the Hunter’s Guild and stayed away from people for the most part. Had a few attempts at relationships, mostly failed and she got really jaded on the idea of sex as anything other than a chore or a way to use her and abuse her. Didn’t bother to get to know anyone beyond casual smile-because-I-know-you relationships. Left when she was nineteen, to travel and explore and find Tsael, because she still loved him. Wanted to find out what happened, because of course it was just a misunderstanding. And then ended up in Glast Heim and whee nothing more needs to be said here about that yet.
So! Motivation One: Acceptance. She was smothered in it for the first part of her life, which is why she’s not utterly and completely fucked. She distrusts that now, though, thinking it was just because she was in the family, had nothing to do with her being her. But Kyle emotionally scarred her enough to set “I’m not good enough. I will never be good enough. But I will never stop trying” in her mind. It’s why she’s so amoeba-like in dealing with people, to figure out what they want. She will go great lengths to be accepted, and is thrown off when she is.
Arden is her primary focus on this. She would do (almost) anything for him. Actually, me making that comment to Jesse is what set off the idea of her being an Assassin in the first place. What she wouldn’t do are things he would never ask of her: to kill Sei, to rape, various things like that. Sei is in the beginning stages of it, and I didn’t realize it until Snapple said it: they act like affectionate siblings, but he makes it romantic in an effort to replace Sienna, and Douwe goes along because that’s what he wants.
Motivation Two: Purpose. This is why Douwe grew in the Assassin’s Guild so well. She needs purpose. She needs something, or someone, to fight for, to live for. The guild is the first family that appears to accept her, bring her into the fold (something that she’s trying to convey to Sei, though she’s not aware of it). Glast Heim and keeping DL from attacking Rune Midgard gives her a goal to aspire to. Arden is a person that she could follow into hell without question. Well, she’d probably question it, but she’d go anyways. But even without the impending war, she would still follow the guild’s concept and go for it, because there is a certain nobility that they deny.
Motivation Three: Freedom. This one keeps getting shoved further and further back. It was her primary motivation until the time she met Arden. Then Acceptance went HAY SUP and moved in, and then Purpose snuck by, leaving Freedom in the dust. It’s the only motivation that really fights with the other two, and is constantly beaten down. She’s holding onto wanting to be free from her past, because she can’t let it go. Not with the fact that she sees Kyle every time she looks in a mirror, reflected in her face, looking over her shoulder. She knows she wants to be free from having children, because then her life would become them and she wouldn’t have a choice. Marriage scares the shit out of her, which is why I’m scared when/if Arden ever does that, because I don’t KNOW what she’d do anymore. Be hysterical for a…well, a long while.
She likes the open relationship. There is more trust there, that they’d come back. Even though she’s not upholding her side of the open part. Though with the Ethne thing, she’s soon realizing that she could lose Arden through this, and that idea sends her into a panic. Hm. I should do something with that. It’s an interesting shift. We’ll see.
Now, onto random musing relating to it. Even though I’ve already sort of gone into it.
It’s telling that Sei could fall in love with someone else, and Douwe wouldn’t mind. She’d be proud that he was happy. But if Arden did the same…? She’d break. And she wouldn’t have done that before. Which means her Freedom motivation IS still getting shoved further and further back. And chances are she’d sacrifice one of these last parts to make sure he will stay around. But not without a lot of emo beforehand. One of the unconscious motivations behind the Acceptance one is that all this effort is also in an attempt to make people dependant on her, so they won’t leave and they can’t just replace her.
Pondering blinding and/or scarring her. Not sure on that. Another shift in motivation is that she wouldn’t trans if she was blind (at least, not perm. blind), because Arden, Sei, and everyone else is too important for her to forget. Once the Kyle thing is fixed, that’s one of the two things left to break her with. The final one is getting her pregnant. But I’m reeeeeaaal iffy on that, for the same reason she doesn’t want it. It’s far too limiting with what she could do after. She’d make a good mother, though. Look how she treats Arden. She’d make a fantastic aunt or step-mother.
First thing we’re going to look at are her motivations. She has three, in order of importance to her decisions: Acceptance, Purpose, and Freedom. Acceptance and Purpose get along very well, but Freedom keeps getting shoved more and more to the side, because she contradicts what the other ones want, and they are much stronger than her. And this makes her bitter, because Freedom used to be Number One of the group.
But we’ll actually start with history, since that sets up everything else.
History, detailed. Her mother spoiled her. Her life consisted of the two of them, as far as Douwe can remember now. She had Kore as a friend, but she was outside of the circle. Her father was a distant figure that she rarely saw, her brothers in his shadow. None of them seemed overly interested in this peculiar random daughter who appeared came out of nowhere (there’s about a ten-year gap between her and Kyle, and a thirteen one between her and Ren). Then her mother died. She had nobody. She was shunted into the Archer’s School because she was of age, but with no familial support or anyone she could turn to help, she sucked. Royally. Her teacher, who would later marry Kyle, mentioned this to him. Kyle decided to tutor Douwe one on one. She claims it was for family duty. It could very well be, I don’t know.
This is where most of her emotional scarring comes from. He was tough. He was unforgiving. He pushed her to extremes that she could not handle easily, especially considering this all happened before she was twelve. He pounded it into her head that she was not good enough, would not be good enough. However, she loved him. Everything revolved around him. Because he was the only person that was paying attention to her, making effort on her behalf. So, in a roundabout way, he DID care about her. He had to. He had to.
Then she graduated, in the advanced class, though not at the top of it, and was promptly ignored by him again. She had passed, no more needed to be said. She was a ‘decent’ Archer. It broke her heart. He got married, had a child, and everything turned to them. Ren was the same way. They ceased to be part of themselves, and became part of a larger unit that could not include her, in her mind. She gained nephews, and suddenly all time was devoted to these children. Which is the core of her marriage issue, as well as having children.
Tsael appeared a year or so later, and she quickly fell for him, because he was kind, strong, gentle…perfect. Especially for her thirteen-year-old mind. He accepted her, even though he was older, and they explored and traveled and experienced things and it was awesome. And then that fell apart, because he went to be a Knight. And he didn’t tell her that he was; she found out fifth-hand from a random conversation about his mother. Never sent her a letter, never came back.
So she left, went to the Hunter’s Guild and stayed away from people for the most part. Had a few attempts at relationships, mostly failed and she got really jaded on the idea of sex as anything other than a chore or a way to use her and abuse her. Didn’t bother to get to know anyone beyond casual smile-because-I-know-you relationships. Left when she was nineteen, to travel and explore and find Tsael, because she still loved him. Wanted to find out what happened, because of course it was just a misunderstanding. And then ended up in Glast Heim and whee nothing more needs to be said here about that yet.
So! Motivation One: Acceptance. She was smothered in it for the first part of her life, which is why she’s not utterly and completely fucked. She distrusts that now, though, thinking it was just because she was in the family, had nothing to do with her being her. But Kyle emotionally scarred her enough to set “I’m not good enough. I will never be good enough. But I will never stop trying” in her mind. It’s why she’s so amoeba-like in dealing with people, to figure out what they want. She will go great lengths to be accepted, and is thrown off when she is.
Arden is her primary focus on this. She would do (almost) anything for him. Actually, me making that comment to Jesse is what set off the idea of her being an Assassin in the first place. What she wouldn’t do are things he would never ask of her: to kill Sei, to rape, various things like that. Sei is in the beginning stages of it, and I didn’t realize it until Snapple said it: they act like affectionate siblings, but he makes it romantic in an effort to replace Sienna, and Douwe goes along because that’s what he wants.
Motivation Two: Purpose. This is why Douwe grew in the Assassin’s Guild so well. She needs purpose. She needs something, or someone, to fight for, to live for. The guild is the first family that appears to accept her, bring her into the fold (something that she’s trying to convey to Sei, though she’s not aware of it). Glast Heim and keeping DL from attacking Rune Midgard gives her a goal to aspire to. Arden is a person that she could follow into hell without question. Well, she’d probably question it, but she’d go anyways. But even without the impending war, she would still follow the guild’s concept and go for it, because there is a certain nobility that they deny.
Motivation Three: Freedom. This one keeps getting shoved further and further back. It was her primary motivation until the time she met Arden. Then Acceptance went HAY SUP and moved in, and then Purpose snuck by, leaving Freedom in the dust. It’s the only motivation that really fights with the other two, and is constantly beaten down. She’s holding onto wanting to be free from her past, because she can’t let it go. Not with the fact that she sees Kyle every time she looks in a mirror, reflected in her face, looking over her shoulder. She knows she wants to be free from having children, because then her life would become them and she wouldn’t have a choice. Marriage scares the shit out of her, which is why I’m scared when/if Arden ever does that, because I don’t KNOW what she’d do anymore. Be hysterical for a…well, a long while.
She likes the open relationship. There is more trust there, that they’d come back. Even though she’s not upholding her side of the open part. Though with the Ethne thing, she’s soon realizing that she could lose Arden through this, and that idea sends her into a panic. Hm. I should do something with that. It’s an interesting shift. We’ll see.
Now, onto random musing relating to it. Even though I’ve already sort of gone into it.
It’s telling that Sei could fall in love with someone else, and Douwe wouldn’t mind. She’d be proud that he was happy. But if Arden did the same…? She’d break. And she wouldn’t have done that before. Which means her Freedom motivation IS still getting shoved further and further back. And chances are she’d sacrifice one of these last parts to make sure he will stay around. But not without a lot of emo beforehand. One of the unconscious motivations behind the Acceptance one is that all this effort is also in an attempt to make people dependant on her, so they won’t leave and they can’t just replace her.
Pondering blinding and/or scarring her. Not sure on that. Another shift in motivation is that she wouldn’t trans if she was blind (at least, not perm. blind), because Arden, Sei, and everyone else is too important for her to forget. Once the Kyle thing is fixed, that’s one of the two things left to break her with. The final one is getting her pregnant. But I’m reeeeeaaal iffy on that, for the same reason she doesn’t want it. It’s far too limiting with what she could do after. She’d make a good mother, though. Look how she treats Arden. She’d make a fantastic aunt or step-mother.