Life is fucking weird. *Locked from Koga, Aaron, Lunarians and Jaqueline*
I'm just- in this super weird place right now.
It's weird.
So weird I can't properly explain it (but I have to or I might accidentally do the wrong thing).
Where do I start? It's about Koga and it's about Dari too. And it's about me, obviously. Nothing is especially bad. I mean, all things considered - really, it's going well right now.
Koga and Dari talked and they're going to be okay. Right? I mean - they're willing to stand each other, is the general thing that I get from that? I don't know how to put it. Or how to think about it.
But ... I just had this massive turmoil of emotions. And I kept them quiet because - not keeping them quiet would've started a shitstorm that didn't need to happen. And now everything's okay, isn't it?
But still. I feel weird. Like I need to shake it off.
Like there wasn't this massive anti-climax after Koga and I had this really amazing, emotional, heart-wrenching moment. Everything was going to be better.
And then - it was like, there I was - being an idiot again. Forgetting that he and Dari's relationship broke because of Jake. Because of Koga's relationship with Jake. So I tried to protect Dari by keeping him away. And I thought I was doing the right thing. But - no - oh wrong again, Dove. You were being so stupid. You were making it worse.
And I didn't have to stand there at Lea's party, by myself, wishing Koga could be there and not awkwardly - happily, and happy to be with me like it always used to be when it was a dream. A really good one. A really amazing one.
I just like- counted him out like an idiot!
I invited Aaron skiing because he seemed so lonely and he needed friends and I thought it would cheer him up. I didn't invite Koga because of Dari and I thought I was doing the right thing about that. And then when they had their talk and everything was okay, I realised it looked like the wrongest thing in the world. But it wasn't!
I'm a fucking idiot.
And that Lunarian reunion was SO FUCKING AWKWARD! I didn't know what to do! I didn't hate it but it was so awkward. I know that it was such a beautiful thing and Jaqueline is the world's most amazing miracle worker but -- I would have died if Katia and Adi and Jack, even, weren't there. And then when they weren't, thank god Sage was.
(What would Koga have done if he was there, anyway? Would he even have gone to the afterparty?)
OH my god just - WHY, why the FUCK do we keep breaking up!?
Are we gonna stay together this time? It seemed like we would when we were talking at Arai-san's, and now it seems like we're just treading water. It's like going through the motions. When are we gonna break up next? Are we really that couple?
I don't want to break up again! I just want to go back in time and not break up. God, why did I do that. God. Leaving him then when he was breaking down and apart was such a stupid fucking thing to do but I was so worried about Dari.
I guess I paid him back.
But that isn't - it really isn't how I think of this. I try not to be bitter. It's no one's fault. I can't be angry at anyone. I can't accuse anyone of anything. Everyone always tries so hard. But I'm still so upset and somewhere in there is this tingling anger about something irrational.
*LOCKED*
I remember when Koga was my vision of everything good that would happen in the future.
I even knew then that was a stupid thing to do, put all that wishing on one person. But I hoped so hard.
I absolutely can't live without him. I've learned that more than once. And I didn't even need to learn it the first time.
It isn't that. It's that I want being with him to be the most amazing thing every single day. I'm still an idiot. I know.
And you know, Dari's fifteen years old already. It isn't long before he'll be an adult. I'm gonna lose him so soon.