(no subject)
I wanted some designer therapy, but Andre lent Victor the money to take Eve to New York. The coffers are empty at least for a while, and so I'm left to play with what I've already got from my closet.
It could be worse. It turns out that my silly little purchases while I was waiting for an answer from Fabian last year are still good for a lark. Alex caught me flouncing around in the red ballgown but it's even more flattering now than it was in 1980 so I don't think he minded.
So he doesn't need me anymore. So I have to step back, or I'm no better than my mother, who did right by us whether we liked it or not.
He doesn't understand, none of them do. They don't understand how helpless you feel when you have to watch them bury children's caskets. I would do anything just to make this feeling stop. To feel useful. To feel like I did some good, that I contributed something instead of just standing by and watching a family be slaughtered for nothing.
Victor's had his girls but they come and go, and I stay. I'd like to pad the blow, to make it easier. Call it what you will but I was raised to consider any means to reach my end, and if the end is good, then the means don't matter.
I don't care if that makes me like her.
I don't because she's lasted this long, she's lost everything in the world but she's still standing and that means it's working.
I don't know what I'm saying.
Fabian was wrong. I'm never going to be able to figure out who I am, I don't even know if there's an answer to that question or if there is, it's probably that I'm just my mother with better motives and it's as simple as that. There's a reason I always end up here.
I need to stop worrying.
I have Alex and I will until we die and that's
That's what matters.
No matches until the ninth, a lovely holiday break, I can't complain. Not to say we won't be very hard at work, but at least I might get a chance to meet Emily's little boy Daniel. If I'm not considered too impure to see him.
We were talking about going to the free Puffskeins/Omnioculars concert tomorrow, but for once in my life I can say I might actually enjoy spending more time at home than out in the crowd.
I hope that everyone had a happy Christmas and Boxing Day, and will have an even better New Year's.
I'm looking very forward to 1982.