you're worth nothing, nothing
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hfdjsahfdjsahfdj;vdnsvc.
UGDIGJFHGJSDKFD.
I am beyond pissed right now. God fucking damn it. Damn fucking EVERYTHING. I hate my swim coach, I hate swimming, I fucking hate myself for ruining my chances of getting captain. I FUCKING HATE that when I finally decide that I don't care that my coach decides to elect captains. No surprise that I'm not one of them. I'm not even surprised by his choices, and I'm fine with the people that he chose -- don't get me wrong. BUT FUCKING HELL if he didn't go back on his word. I fucking hate how at the beginning of the season, he was all, "Oh, there will be ONE club captain and TWO Vista team captains -- a boy and a girl." And OF COURSE, he chooses one club captain and one vista captain. Because CLEARLY I've NEVER shown leadership skills at all at a swim practice or swim meet, nope, not at all. I'm just a supporting swimmer of course, one who is late to get in the pool after EVERY FUCKING BODY ELSE CHEATS ON THE RUNNING. And I hardly ever lead stretches. I mean, what, it's not like I led stretches four times in one week or anything or that I tried to get new cheers and asked for input from the club team because I wanted unified cheers. Yeah, none of that matters. What was I thinking?
Obviously I'm just not a leader. I'm just not meant to be a leader of anything. Especially not a swim team. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT I HATE EVERYTHING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. UGHFJSKFJSDKLFJDSKLJSKLFJsdklfJkdcfjvcxjkvklagdktgcdvjkdv. Screww this entire thing, my times are so off. I'm not swimming well, half of the coaches abhor me, and the other half I guess like me to some extent. But I'm nothing. I'm not the person they thought I would be last year. I'm screwed up, I am so fucking messed up. What was I thinking anyway? Two AP classes, Spanish, the SAT, and swim? Of course something was going to give. Of course something was going to get screwed up on the way, and while I've preserved a 4.5 GPA my swimming has died and gone to hell...
There were just so many things that I did in attempt to become captain, and I guess it was all for nothing. It's just so stupid. I never want to swim again. I don't want to see my coach. I don't have any respect whatsoever for him. I hate him so much for going against his word and I hate him for making me despise swimming because it used to be -- last year -- the one part of my life that was actually going right. Not my times, but the swim team was just so different last year and I hate how it is now. I hate having practice with the other team and I hate how big the team feels and I hate how there's no motivation for me to go to practice anymore, especially when my coach is the biggest douchebag in the world.
And of course, I'd find out about captains from an E-MAIL. Nope, not in person. I guess he announced it when I wasn't around. Well, fuck him. I don't care about what he says anymore. I don't care about getting to practice on time or not ditching practice or leading stretches or taking initiative with cheers, or staying at the meet an extra half hour because I WANT TO SUPPORT THE TEAM. No, I don't care about getting input from the year round team on cheers. I don't care about having a good league cheer. I DON'T FUCKING CAREEEEEE.
I hate him I hate him I hate swimming I hate everything I never want to swim for Vista ever again. I am so pissed and so sad and I just want to cry and scream and break something. Everything. This all... why, god damnit, why. Why do I screw everything up? And I guess I want to blame my coach a lot more, but deep down I feel like it's all my fault. I wasn't a good enough leader. I didn't take enough initiative. That's why he didn't choose me...
I hate feeling like I'm not important or not good enough, and I feel like nobody should be able to make me feel like that. But... I do.
:/
hfdjsahfdjsahfdj;vdnsvc.
UGDIGJFHGJSDKFD.
I am beyond pissed right now. God fucking damn it. Damn fucking EVERYTHING. I hate my swim coach, I hate swimming, I fucking hate myself for ruining my chances of getting captain. I FUCKING HATE that when I finally decide that I don't care that my coach decides to elect captains. No surprise that I'm not one of them. I'm not even surprised by his choices, and I'm fine with the people that he chose -- don't get me wrong. BUT FUCKING HELL if he didn't go back on his word. I fucking hate how at the beginning of the season, he was all, "Oh, there will be ONE club captain and TWO Vista team captains -- a boy and a girl." And OF COURSE, he chooses one club captain and one vista captain. Because CLEARLY I've NEVER shown leadership skills at all at a swim practice or swim meet, nope, not at all. I'm just a supporting swimmer of course, one who is late to get in the pool after EVERY FUCKING BODY ELSE CHEATS ON THE RUNNING. And I hardly ever lead stretches. I mean, what, it's not like I led stretches four times in one week or anything or that I tried to get new cheers and asked for input from the club team because I wanted unified cheers. Yeah, none of that matters. What was I thinking?
Obviously I'm just not a leader. I'm just not meant to be a leader of anything. Especially not a swim team. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT I HATE EVERYTHING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. UGHFJSKFJSDKLFJDSKLJSKLFJsdklfJkdcfjvcxjkvklagdktgcdvjkdv. Screww this entire thing, my times are so off. I'm not swimming well, half of the coaches abhor me, and the other half I guess like me to some extent. But I'm nothing. I'm not the person they thought I would be last year. I'm screwed up, I am so fucking messed up. What was I thinking anyway? Two AP classes, Spanish, the SAT, and swim? Of course something was going to give. Of course something was going to get screwed up on the way, and while I've preserved a 4.5 GPA my swimming has died and gone to hell...
There were just so many things that I did in attempt to become captain, and I guess it was all for nothing. It's just so stupid. I never want to swim again. I don't want to see my coach. I don't have any respect whatsoever for him. I hate him so much for going against his word and I hate him for making me despise swimming because it used to be -- last year -- the one part of my life that was actually going right. Not my times, but the swim team was just so different last year and I hate how it is now. I hate having practice with the other team and I hate how big the team feels and I hate how there's no motivation for me to go to practice anymore, especially when my coach is the biggest douchebag in the world.
And of course, I'd find out about captains from an E-MAIL. Nope, not in person. I guess he announced it when I wasn't around. Well, fuck him. I don't care about what he says anymore. I don't care about getting to practice on time or not ditching practice or leading stretches or taking initiative with cheers, or staying at the meet an extra half hour because I WANT TO SUPPORT THE TEAM. No, I don't care about getting input from the year round team on cheers. I don't care about having a good league cheer. I DON'T FUCKING CAREEEEEE.
I hate him I hate him I hate swimming I hate everything I never want to swim for Vista ever again. I am so pissed and so sad and I just want to cry and scream and break something. Everything. This all... why, god damnit, why. Why do I screw everything up? And I guess I want to blame my coach a lot more, but deep down I feel like it's all my fault. I wasn't a good enough leader. I didn't take enough initiative. That's why he didn't choose me...
I hate feeling like I'm not important or not good enough, and I feel like nobody should be able to make me feel like that. But... I do.
:/