(no subject)
ok, ok, long time no update....
if you don't know me personally and aren't a christian then you probably don't want to read this - 'cos it has christian stuff in it.
I have decided to commit to a local church- within walking distance - at least I have told them I want to join a homegroup- I then promptly got invited over to the minister's house for sunday lunch- only I can't do next week as I'll be in Spain! (it's a hard life I know.) the church is quite large and mostly mono-cultural (= white middle class england), although they do have a few overseas students there... It's strange to be in a church where there are so many teenagers! i've never been to a church with more than 10 teenagers there (even when I *was* a teenager). anyhow- the preaching is of a good standard- and there are some people there who do make the effort to talk to people they don't know- which is good!
but I was thinking about this morning's sermon- it was about jacob- and it was interesting- because one of the conclusions that was drawn was that you can't stuff up God's plan for you- i.e. you can make as many mistakes as you want and have loads of bad things happen - yet it's God's will for your life that will prevail. which i found both comforting and depressing - because - well - this is where it get's personal - I think i always assumed that in this stage of my life (or my age) that I would be married by now.. not still single with noone not even looking likely. (or really ever having looked likely - partly because of the choices I made with my education and career - i mean who's going to follow me to the other side of the world? - they may be guys who are prepared to do that- but these guys don't fall in love with me!) and i don't really want to be single anymore - but at the same time- i'm not going to settle for just anyone! (even if that was an option- the last time somebody asked me out was 2 yrs ago.. and that was a salesman in a shop who i was trying to convince to home deliver my new tv 'cos i didn't have a car - he did drive my tv to my house..- oh yeah - and the last person *i* asked out - turned me down - probably just as well- but really wtf is wrong with me? i mean i can be difficult but not more so than most other people) so.. now i'm beginning to wonder - is God's plan for me to stay single forever and how am I going to deal with that? I mean i'm pretty lonely, i'm still getting depressed, I don't have anyone who I can talk to about how I feel, i have people who are my friends but haven't a hope of understanding me and who just make me feel worse. ( i had one phone conversation recently with someone - before the conversation i was happy - afterwards i was really depressed.) i still would like to have kids and i still get horny (yes women want sex too) although at least now i think i know the difference between lust and love. but mostly i think - i just want somebody to be there for me when i need them.. and who has some hope of understanding me- or at least not making me feel worse.
at the same time- i think i'm where i'm supposed to be - i mean i think God wants me to be here in leicester and being a mathematician. and i don't think he put me here to be miserable! (i am mostly happier here than I was in sydney.) so when I am going to learn how to be happy?
oh well - at least now that i've joined a church maybe i will begin to make some friends and feel more connected to other people and won't spend all my time at home playing counter-strike because that;s all i've got the energy to do.
if you don't know me personally and aren't a christian then you probably don't want to read this - 'cos it has christian stuff in it.
I have decided to commit to a local church- within walking distance - at least I have told them I want to join a homegroup- I then promptly got invited over to the minister's house for sunday lunch- only I can't do next week as I'll be in Spain! (it's a hard life I know.) the church is quite large and mostly mono-cultural (= white middle class england), although they do have a few overseas students there... It's strange to be in a church where there are so many teenagers! i've never been to a church with more than 10 teenagers there (even when I *was* a teenager). anyhow- the preaching is of a good standard- and there are some people there who do make the effort to talk to people they don't know- which is good!
but I was thinking about this morning's sermon- it was about jacob- and it was interesting- because one of the conclusions that was drawn was that you can't stuff up God's plan for you- i.e. you can make as many mistakes as you want and have loads of bad things happen - yet it's God's will for your life that will prevail. which i found both comforting and depressing - because - well - this is where it get's personal - I think i always assumed that in this stage of my life (or my age) that I would be married by now.. not still single with noone not even looking likely. (or really ever having looked likely - partly because of the choices I made with my education and career - i mean who's going to follow me to the other side of the world? - they may be guys who are prepared to do that- but these guys don't fall in love with me!) and i don't really want to be single anymore - but at the same time- i'm not going to settle for just anyone! (even if that was an option- the last time somebody asked me out was 2 yrs ago.. and that was a salesman in a shop who i was trying to convince to home deliver my new tv 'cos i didn't have a car - he did drive my tv to my house..- oh yeah - and the last person *i* asked out - turned me down - probably just as well- but really wtf is wrong with me? i mean i can be difficult but not more so than most other people) so.. now i'm beginning to wonder - is God's plan for me to stay single forever and how am I going to deal with that? I mean i'm pretty lonely, i'm still getting depressed, I don't have anyone who I can talk to about how I feel, i have people who are my friends but haven't a hope of understanding me and who just make me feel worse. ( i had one phone conversation recently with someone - before the conversation i was happy - afterwards i was really depressed.) i still would like to have kids and i still get horny (yes women want sex too) although at least now i think i know the difference between lust and love. but mostly i think - i just want somebody to be there for me when i need them.. and who has some hope of understanding me- or at least not making me feel worse.
at the same time- i think i'm where i'm supposed to be - i mean i think God wants me to be here in leicester and being a mathematician. and i don't think he put me here to be miserable! (i am mostly happier here than I was in sydney.) so when I am going to learn how to be happy?
oh well - at least now that i've joined a church maybe i will begin to make some friends and feel more connected to other people and won't spend all my time at home playing counter-strike because that;s all i've got the energy to do.