F5
Kind of a subject title that makes you wonder, huh?
Well, take a look at your keyboard. See that key up top? The one that says *gasp* F5?
...Ooookaaay...so what's that supposed to mean?
Push it.
What happened?
The page REFRESHED, didn't it?
And that's what it's all about. Refreshing my life, starting anew (not going back to the beginning, but stopping the shit in its tracks and going on without all of it dragging behind me), and moving forward.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still who I was before (for the most part); I didn't change myself entirely. But I am more aware now and I think a little more strategically. I still see the big picture, but I look at the details to see how they come together to create that picture - why they are the way they are, the placement of the details, reasons why they're there, etc.
Going into college, I started figuring out who were my allies & enemies, as well as who deserved my time. This saved me from fretting over nonsense that was just taking up space. And sure, over the course of the year, things changed, but that's perfectly normal. Yes, I did sink into depression sometimes. There were moments of absolute frustration & stress, too. I expected that. And now that the first year is over, I think I know who I can entrust my loyalty to while I'm still in my current location.
I don't know how we'll handle it when I leave. That will be the true test. I know that I don't want to be like the other college kids - the ones that went away to school and almost seemed to forget everyone they left behind. I'm not saying they're bad people, but it's not good to forget your roots & those who helped you become who you are up to this point. But when I'm gone from this little, rural town in the middle of nowhere, who is going to forget me? I can do my best to keep friends and family updated with how I'm doing, but is there going to be a situation like "Okay, she's gone. That's it."
I don't know the answer to that, but one way or the other, I'm moving on & up. I am not going to benefit from carrying useless crap from my past.
Now that summertime is, quite literally, right around the corner, it's time to let go of the stresses, relax, and enjoy the time off. I snagged a decent job for the season and have a lovely vacation to look forward to. Oh, and did I mention that I deactivated my facebook account?
Yeah. Really, it was just another thing that sucked up attention like a fucking leech. Frankly, I don't need to know the details of hundreds of people's lives. I'm not saying I don't care...but I kind of am saying that.
I didn't do it to make a statement or join a hype. I did it to relieve myself of some of the burden in my life; there is enough going on without facebook taking more than its fair share of my life & time. It's funny that I had to check off so many boxes asking if I was sure I wanted to do this, like I was making a life-altering decision. Yes, damnit! Now leave me alone! When all was finally said & done, I swear I felt a weight just lift from my shoulders. Sure, I could always reactivate it. But for now, I have enough social media outlets. Twitter & LiveJournal suit me just fine. Having one less thing to keep up with grants me more time to indulge in things I enjoy and work more toward my goals and successes.
And now that I took some of the initial steps to being happier and a better person, I have a little more hope than yesterday.