...
I feel used, ... I feel disillusioned, dissappointed, and otherwise cynical and pessimistic...
I go down to visit my grandmother, and my aunt and uncle act hostile to my and my mother's presence in the house. We have done more for her than they have, and regardless of the fact that I dont have a girlfriend (they dont know I am gay) and my cousin does have one, or whatever pointless reason...
maybe I don't want to feel like I am human, maybe I want to realize I am human. am I scared that any potential mate would be human, am I scared that by finding a boyfriend, that I would prove myself human...?
does it matter?
life is, afterall, only what we make of it. I have come to realize that. The reason for my depression, my anxiety... it is one way or another my own choice. I dont remember when, maybe I was never given a concious choice, but ... it is the same regardless. One way or another, I chose to live my life like this, and the only way to get out of it is to learn, and choose my way out of it. muri kana...
maybe everything in life is a choice. Afterall, anyone can choose to be straight or gay, just about anything, hell Michael Jackson is "white." everything is a choice. what will yours be? what will mine be? what were yours? what was mine? I guess I am choosing to be pessimistic, but you dont get dissappointed that way. Where is the point in being optomistic, and happy-go-lucky, when all it will get you is hurt? and yet, that is always the choice I want. I want to be happy. I want to be an optomist. So I guess that is why i always get my hopes up, because I want to appear to be an optomist, and so my hopes to actually go up. but I am never good enough. I am not good enough. I am something to be used, ordered, and told where to be. that is my purpose. anata no mokuteki wa nan desuka? how should I feel about that? I dont know anymore. why should I feel bad about something I cannot change. I dont have confidence. I doubt I will ever get it. why not just take the easy way out, and live the way I have chosen.
my family and I, we are used. you, you too are used. that is what the government does. it is not them who get used as it should be. we are the ones who get used. our own family, uses us to meet their own ends. I cant do that. I cant bring myself to do that. why continue that vicious circle. my grandmother uses my aunt. my aunt uses my uncle. my uncle uses my father. my mother uses me. my brother uses me. my friends use me. that is all we are, things to be used, toys, tools, that are made by "God" to think, and feel, to forget that that is all we are...
I go down to visit my grandmother, and my aunt and uncle act hostile to my and my mother's presence in the house. We have done more for her than they have, and regardless of the fact that I dont have a girlfriend (they dont know I am gay) and my cousin does have one, or whatever pointless reason...
maybe I don't want to feel like I am human, maybe I want to realize I am human. am I scared that any potential mate would be human, am I scared that by finding a boyfriend, that I would prove myself human...?
does it matter?
life is, afterall, only what we make of it. I have come to realize that. The reason for my depression, my anxiety... it is one way or another my own choice. I dont remember when, maybe I was never given a concious choice, but ... it is the same regardless. One way or another, I chose to live my life like this, and the only way to get out of it is to learn, and choose my way out of it. muri kana...
maybe everything in life is a choice. Afterall, anyone can choose to be straight or gay, just about anything, hell Michael Jackson is "white." everything is a choice. what will yours be? what will mine be? what were yours? what was mine? I guess I am choosing to be pessimistic, but you dont get dissappointed that way. Where is the point in being optomistic, and happy-go-lucky, when all it will get you is hurt? and yet, that is always the choice I want. I want to be happy. I want to be an optomist. So I guess that is why i always get my hopes up, because I want to appear to be an optomist, and so my hopes to actually go up. but I am never good enough. I am not good enough. I am something to be used, ordered, and told where to be. that is my purpose. anata no mokuteki wa nan desuka? how should I feel about that? I dont know anymore. why should I feel bad about something I cannot change. I dont have confidence. I doubt I will ever get it. why not just take the easy way out, and live the way I have chosen.
my family and I, we are used. you, you too are used. that is what the government does. it is not them who get used as it should be. we are the ones who get used. our own family, uses us to meet their own ends. I cant do that. I cant bring myself to do that. why continue that vicious circle. my grandmother uses my aunt. my aunt uses my uncle. my uncle uses my father. my mother uses me. my brother uses me. my friends use me. that is all we are, things to be used, toys, tools, that are made by "God" to think, and feel, to forget that that is all we are...