Disconnected
Ever have a moment where you just feel not in touch with your body?
That’s how I feel right now, just not even in my own body. I mean, I know I am feeling something, just not connected. It’s totally disjointed and bizzar. I think I need some more rest but also I need to take some time for me.
All of this is coming at a time when my father is significantly ill and was given 2 years to live. He lost 20 lbs in a 3 month period without tryinjg. Just not a good sign. While I always imagined that I wouldn’t feel anything when he got to this point, I find myself filled with mixed emotions.
Even though he is the source of all my trauma and hardship growing up. I have somehow come to a point where I want him to have a easy passing. I don’t want him to suffer in any significant way. That is just so weird to me as I am not sure how I got to the point of being able to give him that sort of compassion when he hasn’t showen me much in return.
As I sit and process it all, I know things will just keep moving forward weither I want them to or not. I just need to remember to be kind to myself throughout this process.