(no subject)
Inferian: (as the recording begins) And now the insanity will be preserved for all time, or at least until it’s deleted.
DM: Or the next hard drive crash.
Inferian: Please don’t invoke a hard drive crash on a work laptop.
The group discusses releasing the audio to the internet and seeing what happens, Dead AleWives style. Also, they plan to register the domain name hitleranddeadbabies.com. Luckily they can’t rename their Facebook group… Other names discussed are givemebaby.deadbaby, givemedeadbaby.obey/commonerfood, dietyrant.net… Falgrim dips pork rinds in cheese, and is nearly hospitalized. The group reassesses their position, as Lando yells ‘we gotta give ‘em more time!’ about seventeen times. The group starts testing dice to see which are lucky tonight.
Inferian: (holding a classic, old-school orange d20) I think you’re on my side tonight!
Calinai: No, no, no, treacherous orange, that’ll turn on you so fast -
Falgrim: Nononononono. Don’t ever knock orange.
Inferian: That one. You can knock that one.
Falgrim: That’s one of the original dice we owned, and it’s always rolled well.
Calinai: There’s one that has like a hint of red in it…
The group rolls initiative for the fight they’ve wandered into!
Inferian: What are these guys wearing?
Valiha: Sexy lingerie.
DM: From behind, what you noted was… Falgrim’s borderland-trained instincts tell him are trollocs, they raise six and a half to seven feet tall, they wear black ring mail, some of them have the head of an animal…
Falgrim: Think of a giant humanoid, beastlike qualities, but they’re mismatched.
DM: One of them has hooved feet. The half-man wears armor overlapping scale.
Valiha: Scale mail, dunga dunga!
The players press for a threat evaluation on the creatures. The half-man appears to be the worst of it.
Calinai: The woman on the pedestal might be with us though. Do I recognize her, by the way?
Inferian: The two guys we’re fighting, the Sedai, are on your side, we’re not gonna attack them. Already ahead of you on that.
Calinai: I just wondered if I recognized her so I could be all, “Hey! We’re here to help!”
DM: Well, there are only so many Sedai in the tower, but then again you run in many different circles. She looks vaguely familiar but you can’t recall her name just by seeing her.
Inferian: Aaaah, it’s a doppelganger with alter self on them.
Calinai: It’s all a trick.
DM: Why do you assume I managed to be at all sophisticated, just because of your devious mind?
Inferian: Because you started getting all qualify-y, and ‘well, MAYbe’…
DM: Maybe what? She wants to see if she knows that wizard, and I’m kinda like ‘no you don’t, really.’
Inferian: And then you had to go and explain it…
DM: Well, yeah, she would’ve asked me for clarification if I hadn’t been clear enough!
Inferian: Yeah, but every time you offer an explanation it’s suspicious.
Calinai: Shut up!
DM: You’re projecting again!
The half-man turns to Falgrim and the DM tells him to roll a Will saving throw as he advances! Falgrim rolls 21 and is affected not at all by its fear power!
Falgrim: I spit in his face! …I spit where his eyes should be.
DM: Well, seeing as there ARE no eyes there, he doesn’t pause to wipe the spit away, instead choosing to come after you with his shadowrought blame. Fortunately your armor manages to turn aside his initial thrust.
Falgrim: That’s actually pretty good.
DM: Yeah, there’s a little drop of dwarven sweat…
Calinai: How much hit points do you have?
Falgrim: I only have 19 going into this battle…
Hit point totals are called for. Inferian unleashes his energy ray.
Inferian: 17 to hit his touch AC.
DM: To your dismay he seems to turn sideways and somehow avoid your attack.
Inferian: …if I can’t hit him with an 18, we’re fucked.
DM: You said 17.
Inferian: 17, we’re fucked either way. If their touch AC is that high, their actual AC must be astronomical.
DM: If you had time to establish a dialogue in the middle of your fight, Falgrim would probably tell you they’re serpent-like in their reflexes.
Inferian: We have mindlink, so yes we DO have time to establish a dialogue.
Falgrim: Then I tell you.
DM: There you go.
Falgrim: “They’re serpent-like in a fight! Very deadly! We might not survive this one… but I’ll be damned if I don’t take ‘er down with me!”
The rest of the group basically tells Falgrim he’s their only hope! Falgrim avoid another attack from an advancing trolloc. Calinai complains vigorously about Inferian having forgotten his precise initiative roll, then steps up to cast on Falgrim.
Calinai: 13!
Falgrim: And I’m almost dead.
DM: You’ve cast Cause Light Wounds on your tank?
Calinai: Yeah, sure, why not, it’s a suicide attempt, I said ‘fuck it’.
Inferian: It’s the only way we’ll live, if we kill ourselves so badly that some higher power helps…
Calinai: I’ve decided this lizardman is gonna be my guardian.
Falgrim steps up and promptly crits. A long pause ensues as Falgrim does the math, but he ‘only’ deals 38 to it.
Calinai: Is he a regenerater, Falgrim?
Falgrim: Huh?
Calinai: Does he regenerate?
Falgrim: …no?
Calinai: (to the DM) Does he regenerate, does Falgrim know if he regenerates?
DM: … does... Falgrim regenerate?
Calinai: No, does he regenerate?
DM: It’s not something you’re familiar with.
Falgrim: Oh, but I roll my Knowledge(Blight)!
DM: You’re gonna take a 10?
Falgrim: Hmmm.
DM: What’d you roll?
Falgrim: 26.
Inferian: You should get a +4 circumstance bonus because you just HIT HIM and can watch his wound!
Falgrim: Thwoof. “This is for science!”
Falgrim determines they probably do not regenerate, but they are alarmingly tough. A crossbow bolt shoots over Falgrim’s head! …and narrowly misses Calinai. Falgrim warns them about the bolts being tainted. Falgrim’s beard gets YET MORE stuff in it as he takes 14 points of damage, taking him back down to 19. Valiha steps forward amd successfully saves against the fear gaze as well.
Valiha: Can you move me so I’m flanking him?
Inferian: No. There is a guy in the way.
Valiha crits with her attack on a trolloc. Inferian crits with his energy ray on a different trolloc. A trolloc flanking Falgrim hits him for another 7.
DM: Another crossbow bolt sails through the melee!
Calinai: All right, Falgrim, you heal 14 points of damage, the most I can do!
DM: That healed the half-man’s cut.
Inferian: But not mine. Shiv!
Calinai: Why do you keep killing us…? Just be careful, because that it’s on major heals, everything else I can do is… you’re stabilized.
Inferian: You can convert spells to cures, remember.
Calinai: I converted, that was the last of my level one spells…
Falgrim: I’m not doing a Power Atrtack. I believe a 25 hits him?
DM: Whew! Ha ha ha, heh heh!
Inferian: It damn well better!
Calinai: Oh my God, if it didn’t I’d just close up the book…
Inferian: Werewolf time!
Falgrim: I rolled a 19, so I do have a chance to crit him… and I rolled a 19 again.
Inferian: Wait, their AC is 25?
Calinai: That is ungodly, what kind of armor is he WEARING?!
Falgrim: It’s probably magical dark scale mail, he’s very dexterous… these things are not easy to kill.
The group continues to stare in aww. The DM hints that its touch AC is 18. Luckily, Falgrim’s hit decapitated the creature, finishing it off.
Falgrim: I give him a This Is Sparta kick.
Valiha sees the Sedai’s guardian impale another trolloc. They question whether the guardian will grant Valiha a flank. The DM snipes at Inferian about robbing people of AOOs.
Inferian: All right, crossbow asshole - aww, I mis.
DM: Really?
Inferian: I rolled a -
Falgrim and Inferian: Three.
Calinai: Ha ha, he’s so angry about it!
Inferian: I needed those PPs!
DM: Crossbow-trolloc has the face of a person but the snout of a boar where its nose should be, and it sneers, makes an angry-bird pig snort.
Inferian: “Oh like YOU’VE been more effective! Exploded guys on your side, ONE! Crossbowed guys on our side, ZE-RO!”
DM: Aww crap. That 20 just rolled over. I was like, “I’m just gonna roll a 20 and crit him back!” No.
Inferian: I yelled so hard I turned the die over, that’s great!
DM: It rolled over to 11. Goddamn slow fucking… I woulda critted you!
Inferian: I yelled at him and taunted him so much that his crit turned into a normal hit! This is great!
DM: A third crossbow bolt sticks into the back of one of the previous ones. He can at least aim poorly but consistently.
Inferian: When I’m doing my ZERO to him, he shoots it through my hands!
Calinai debates her options, then fires a Scorching Ray into a trolloc. At this level she only has one ray, but eagerly anticipates getting the next.
Inferian: Double rainbow, all across the room, what does it mean?
Calinai: It means you watch WAY TOO MUCH My Little Pony so shut up.
Inferian: THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH MY LITTLE PONY!
Calinai: I found out reading the forums that apparently it IS popular among his aged guys, which is really creepy…
Inferian: YES! You should WATCH IT!
Calinai: I have seen it. I will not admit it, but it IS a good show.
Falgrim steps forward directly between the two trollocs remaining, dealing 26 damage to one, then missing his Cleave. The last trolloc is left standing.
DM: You can see in the trolloc’s face that it’s beaten, but having nowhere to go…
Calinai: It kills itself?
Inferian: It bites down on the suicide tooth.
Calinai: It puts the crossbow down… choonk!
Inferian steps forward to finish it off and immediately rolls a natural 1.
Calinai: And thus Inferian is dead.
Inferian: I just fried my brain.
DM: Let’s see, who’s there. Oh man, and Falgrim is right there, too.
Inferian: (tossing a die) …Oh, thank GOD that rolled off natural 20! Luckily I was going for a weak hit… awww, 10 lightning damage.
DM: Now his beard is lightning! It’s like an upside-down rising sun! If I can’t kill you people I’ll get you to do it to yourselves!
Inferian: You’re not supposed to be so overt about it!
DM: I told you this would be revenge campaign! I can’t roll SHIT when I’m attacking you!
The trolloc misses feebly. Calinai casually kills it, and the group declares victory.
DM: I assume you’re all turning now to the -
Falgrim: Nope, we’re leaving.
Inferian: “See ya!”
Falgrim: “That was fun!”
DM: Make a Spot roll, all of you.
Falgrim: We know there’s two people in here…
A couple of them spot a figure fading into shadows before their eyes. Falgrim attempts to throw Inferian at it. The man on the stairs appraises them. Falgrim greets him in a relevant campaign language, earning a nod and a greeting in return. The DM cracks up helplessly at a Shazam references. The senior Sedai looks them over.
DM: “A timely arrival if ever there was one. May I ask what brings you down to this dismal ruins?”
Falgrim: “Wolves.”
Calinai: “Uh, I actually came looking for you… but this was like a few sessions back so I’m not ENTIRELY sure why I came in this direction…”
Inferian: You were looking for your long-lost Sedai companion who came out here and was never heard from again.
Calinai: “Oh yes, we were looking for you. I assume. ‘Cuz, uh… how long ya been over here? ‘Cuz it’s been a few weeks and no one’s heard back, so… here I am.”
DM: “I don’t believe we’ve met, and you don’t have the look about you, but I take it you are one of my sisters.”
Calinai: “Yeah, they had me back at the tower, I was being happy, studying books and stuff, when they’re like, ‘you gotta go on an adventure.’ ‘I don’t wanna go.’ ‘Go.’ ‘All right.’ So I go to this town, I found out that you were there, and you ran off over here, so here I go…” (noticing Inferian making the universal ‘blah blah blah’ sign) “…and he’s doing his little mouth thing, and I don’t care, I could boil his blood…”
They briefly review the plot for the sake of the uninformed NPC - king sending them, hunt for the horn, etc. The NPC dismisses this in a sentence.
DM: “Enough of that, we appear to have found what we were looking for.”
Inferian: “I hope it’s not ‘fresh victims’.”
DM: “No, not a moment too soon as well. The shadow was here…”
Inferian: It was fresh victims, guys, be ready!
DM: Though her diatribe has been mostly directed to the two of them, she does take a moment to look over you and sort of arch an eyebrow. “Awfully interesting technique you used during the battle. May I ask where you learned it?”
Inferian: “…it’s a gift.”
Calinai: “Don’t listen to Scratchy Throat over there. He just doesn’t wanna talk normally. He can, but he chooses not to, ‘cuz he thinks it’s cooool.”
DM: “Gifts come in many guises. Fortunate and not so.”
Calinai: “Oh don’t tell me you’re falling for it. He’s just using it to pick up the giiiirls, I’m sure.”
DM: Well, I don’t know what Inferian’s inclination towards the fair sex is, but try as you might you can’t put an age to this girl.
Inferian: I wasn’t trying.
Falgrim: I am!
DM: She looks like she could be in her twenties, and you look at her again and she might be a youthful women in her fifties.
Calinai: Our magic fades, every now and then…
Inferian: I’ll call her Wynne.
DM: “Might I ask what an elf from the Waste is doing all the way on this side of the Dragonwall?”
Valiha: “I came to see what was here.”
Falgrim: I can lift 300 pounds over my head, so I can definitely pick Inferian up.
Inferian: “Sorry, you’re not my type.”
DM: “Curiosity can be deadly.”
Falgrim: I can lift you off the ground, I can push and drag you with no problem.
Valiha: “Hasn’t happened yet.”
DM: “Perhaps we shall hope it remains so.”
Falgrim: I can push and drag 1500 pounds.
Inferian: “You forgot to account for the weight of my gear.”
Falgrim: Trust me, I can do it.
Inferian: “I have 75 anvils.”
Falgrim: I still can do it!
Inferian punishes the DM with his halfling impression, forcing him to crack up in the middle of the NPC interrogating Falgrim. The Sedai questions Valiha briefly, and they relate a bit of their adventure to her. She’s baffled that the worgs attacked and wonders what they did to incite the attacks.
Inferian: “We were PCs.”
Calinai: “Let me think what we did. We walked into the forest, we said ‘let’s make camp here’, he took first watch. Then did you scream and insult wolves? ‘I HATE WOOOLVES! I HATE WOLVES! FUCK YOU WOLVES!’ I don’t think we did…”
Inferian: It’s because I spent all last campaign insulting the Wolfman movie! Isn’t it?! ISN’T IT!
They relate the rest of their adventures in extremely brief time…questioning how these two missed the gelatinous cube.,
DM: The gaidin speaks up for the first time.
Inferian: “I’m here.” (a moment’s pause) “Hey Yzma, you really oughtta consider hiring these guys, they seem a lot more competent than me.”
Calinai: Leave the poor guy alone, he’s only got to take, like, one guy out at a time.
Inferian: That was the best Patrick Warburton I’ll ever do, and that’s kind of depressing.
Unsurprisingly, the NPCs had taken the route down which they found no enemies. The Sedai displays an object made of quaindilar, aka heartstone ,which Calinai is able to recognize, then asks Falgrim to strike it. He hews it at full strength, but only manages to notch his blade slightly. The Sedai asks if they came across a tome, which of course they have…
DM: The Great Book of Gummi, do you have it?!
Inferian: Yes, we plundered it. This is awkward…
The Sedai points out a couple of missing pages, then produces those same pages and reinserts them. The missing pages are what caused her to rush to this room.
DM: “In the previous age, when the Dragon resealed the hole in the Dark God’s prison, he imbued the power of the seal into seven discs of heartstone.”
Falgrim: “Now wait a minute, you’re not sayin’ that’s one of the Dark Lord’s prison… plugs.”
DM: “I cannot be sure, but given that the shadow seemed desperate to obtain it out here in the middle of nowhere…”
Falgrim: “Blood and bloody ashes.”
The seal, of course, might in danger! The Sedai advises that further analysis of the tome would help, and they should return to the capital posthaste.
Inferian: “I think we have a long walk ahead of us.”
Falgrim: “We’ve got JERKY! Oh wait, it’s on the goddman horses.”
Calinai: We go back up, there’s like a bunch of really hungry wolves there.
Inferian: “Aww come on, why would they wait?!”
DM: “Where are my manners? Sister, I am Morian Sedai. This is my gaidin…”
Inferian: “Kronk.”
DM: The man she named as Alain pipes up. “Those worgs you mentioned. When you came down here, how many of them were left up top?”
Inferian: “Enough.”
Calinai: “A few…”
Falgrim: “A couple handful, with plenty more of them behind them.”
Inferian: “They ringed the very valley. There were a lot, is the message I’m trying to get across here.”
The group grimly accepts that they have to tighten their belts and march swiftly. The gaidin guts trollocs for loot, but takes only a few small pouches so as to not be weighed down. They claim 750 gold, a potion --
Inferian: “Oh yes, the poison for Kuzco, Kuzco’s poison…”
-- and an amulet. The group heads back for the entrance, reminiscing fondly about their adventures through the compound as they walk.
DM: All too soon you find yourselves back at the bottom of the stairs.
Falgrim: 250 feet of stairs!
Inferian: “Yeah, we knew this wasn’t gonna be good when we came down here.”
Falgrim: “All right short stubby legs, don’t fail me now!”
Inferian: Floor 47 of the Shinra Building.
Falgrim: “Hold on, baby, I’m coming!”
They reach the top, and the Sedai opens the doors with the magic, despite the fact that anyone could have done it. The DM threatens them with a beholder, making the players weep. Somehow it turns into mocking Aibghalien’s failure to have ANY success against the rest of the players during the doppelganger incident.
Falgrim: “We’re out there, swords at the ready!”
DM: A quick look around --
Inferian: Worgs, hundreds!
DM: Give me a Spot check?
Falgrim: Spot? NOOOOO!
Inferian: “Me beard’s in me eyes!”
No one hears anything but the gaidin! However, he calls their attention to a pair of glowing eyes on the rim of the valley. They wisely elect not to stay the night. The camp is deserted, as they expect; goodbye, Custard Pie nameless horses no one was attached to. But their bags have not been torn open!
Falgrim: We have our jerky, still!
Calinai: Yay!
Inferian: Our jerky was protected by the patron saint of jerky.
Falgrim: And who would that be?
Inferian: Macho Man Randy Savage.
Calinai hurls dice at Inferian’s race, for reasons which are largely specious and irrelevant. The group prepares to march through the night, briskly but not painfully since the gaidin won’t tire his Sedai.
DM: Moving through the woods as night falls, you hear the sounds of the forest around you…
Calinai: Ca-caw ca-caw, ca-caw ca-caw!
Inferian: My campaign, with the alleged snitch-crows.
DM: Of course!
Falgrim: Ah, the Elder Elk of the Forest.
The players bemoan their failure to specifically write rations on their character sheets. Exhausted, they stumble into town, dragging themselves to the inn (or potentially riding Inferian’s unconscious body like a sled). Rooms are obtained quickly.
Inferian: I’m heading up the stairs!
Calinai: Oh, roll to see if you go in the wrong room! How many rooms are there? There are probably other guests! I wanna see if he rolls it and ends up in someone else’s room! “Raaaape!”
Inferian: 12 rooms you say? I end up in room number 1!
DM: Room number 1, first room at the top of the stairs. The door does open as you stumble in, and you are promptly greeted by… (snoring)
Inferian: “Damn.” Room number 6!
DM: Shuffling down the hall-
Falgrim: Would you look at your key number?! For fuck’s sake!
DM: In the door you go -
Inferian: “There’s no number. Just a suit of armor.”
DM: And find yourself an empty pallet, no other apparent possessions.
Inferian: “Sweet!” This will be awkward later.
DM: You take a nose dive into the room! Into the bed of the room. You wouldn’t know how long you’ve been out, but judging from how bone-weary you still feel it hasn’t been very long, you feel someone prodding you. A persistent poking in the back of your shoulder where you’ve taken a nose dive.
Inferian: “Geeeeeh.” Get up, trudge to room 12.
DM: “Inferian, was it? I hate to raise you from the dead but this IS the room the innkeep assigned myself and Morian Sedai.”
Inferian: Get up, trudge to room 12.
DM: 12. You enter the room to find Falgrim squatting in the chamberpot.
Falgrim: “Hey, how’s it going! I’ll be over there in a minute!”
Calinai: I wonder why Falgrim didn’t lock the door?!
Falgrim: If they wanna smell that, they can do it!
Inferian: “Huh. Always thought dwarves have an extra asshole or something. Today I’ve learned something.”
DM: Extra asshoooooooooole! (howling) Is that what the beards are hiding?!
Inferian: “No, it’s like how orcs have two throats.”
DM: Although you’re not particular by this time, you find the accommodations are designed with dwarven dimensions, so your feet are gonna dangle -
Inferian: Apparently, room 8.
Falgrim: Room number 6 again!
DM: Two doors down from your previous attempt you find Valiha undoing the turban, trying to bed down.
Inferian: “God dammit.” Room number 6 again!
Calinai: He goes to room number six, I question what those two were DOING in the last ten minutes he came back!
Inferian: “Ugh, this is room number six again, isn’t it. Sorry.”
Falgrim: “Do you know where my room is?”
Inferian: Apparently number one again!
Valiha: That’s when I poke my head out and say, “Is there a problem?”
DM: I don’t believe the particulars of the room were discussed, you just tossed money down on the counter and went up the stairs!
Valiha and Calinai show mercy on Inferian, or at least pity, but he apparently ends up next to the Duck Hunt guy’s room, with ducks flying and quacking right outside his window, shots going off… he tries to kill the ducks, they fly off, the dog laughs at him… The night finally passes. Calinai speaks briefly with her sister-Sedai’s warder, since she’s supposed to be finding one of her own, but he blows her off completely as he asks the others to all meet the Sedai in the common room. The group settles around the book to look for the locations of other discs.
Calinai: “Insuring that they don’t get them all is important.”
Inferian: “We’ve already guaranteed that.”
Calinai: “It doesn’t matter, there’s a possibility that they can do it without the seven discs, and if they have an ability to create discs they could just make a false key, that’d be enough.”
Inferian: “Would that work?”
DM: “I believe the nature of the seals is such that if one fails, they would all be compromised.”
Inferian: “So it’s not enough to have one, we have to have them all.”
DM: “The pages that I removed from the tome are the ones detailing the location we explored. It appears they had several holdover from the Age of Legends that were being preserved in the ruin, at least going by its original purpose. There was also a great deal of plantlife that was also being preserved in a sort of… green room.
Falgrim: “Mmmm.”
DM: “We did not come across it.”
Inferian: “Uh-oh.”
Valiha: “It’s not green any more…”
Calinai: “Shh! Shh! Don’t worry about it!”
DM: “But until we can fully explore it…” Yeah, there was a cure for cancer, you torched it! HAPPY?!
Falgrim: “Ready for that beer!”
They study the book further. Calinai comes to believe a disc may exist in the Sedai tower - then realizes that not all of the discs are in fact discs, but could look like almost anything! Even the horn!
Calinai: “This particular horn has been searched and sought for by individuals for a couple hundred years now…”
Inferian: “There are forces beyond ‘hiding’ and ‘seeking’ that are involved here. The horn is not meant to be found until it is needed, therefore it shall not be. What force provides that protection for it, I know not.”
Calinai: “Not necessarily. This disc, unless it happens to be needed now, those particular rooms weren’t protected… well, when my sister got there they weren’t protected, maybe the protection was gone. Perhaps the protection is now failing, and these items are beginning to reveal themselves, and this is but the first one in that matter. Perhaps the others are now waning and will reveal themselves as well.”
DM: “If they were to fail… that would be the end of all things.”
Inferian: “And we need all of them to prevent that.”
Calinai: “We need to make sure that none of them fail.”
Inferian: “Well, it seems that my own personal project will be put on hold for a while.”
DM: “If the horn still is your heart’s desire… one of the destinations mentioned in here does correspond with one of the other seals.”
Calinai: Oh this makes sense now, when you said there were, like, six directions we could go.
DM: I was trying to be, like, vague, but…
They identify several locations: the ruins, of course; the west, the nation of Gilead; the east, past the Dragonwall; and the north, Urufell, orcish country. They get a copy of the map, and then the Sedai informs them she will return to the Tower to report. She asks Calinai to return to Swerengin and report. Inferian has cause to make a comment, which Calinai again reacts to.
Calinai: It sounds like you’re choking on ten frogs!
Inferian: “I was fine through nine frogs, but the tenth frog did me in.”
The conversation wanders into relative ages and elven gestation periods before the DM hauls it back forcibly. The two NPCs head out without further delay. The innkeep asks if they will be staying an additional night; they elect to do so, since they still need to resupply.
Falgrim: “Plus another night in a bed would be nice.”
Inferian: “I wouldn’t know…”
DM: “Did you sleep well, sir?”
Inferian: “I don’t remember.”
DM: “Well I should hope not, seeing as how I heard you made the run of the entire inn.”
Inferian: “No, no, there were only four rooms involved before someone put me to sleep.”
DM: “Well I do be givin’ ya four adjoining rooms this night.”
Falgrim: Roll a d4.
Calinai: Who do you walk in on naked?
Inferian: Um, let’s see. 3.
Falgrim: (grunting as if on the pot)
Inferian: “Guuuh.”
Calinai: Why are you always shitting?! He doesn’t sleep he just shits on the toilet all night.
DM: Well, you know, the jerky, that’s rough…
Calinai: He goes to sleep on the toilet.
Falgrim: I shit literal bricks!
Inferian: All right, fine. 4.
DM: You sleep upon your own cot with no incidents, gay or otherwise. The stablemaster, come morning, gives you mournful looks as he procures you some lesser mounts to get back to the capital, knowing that his other ones won’t be returned to him.
Inferian: Hee-HAAAW, hee-HAAAW.
DM: Yes, you’re riding jackasses back to the capital.
Inferian: I’m on an ostrich for some reason. The mount of nobility!
Falgrim: (whistles the chocobo theme)
Calinai: What are you talking about? The moment we leave it sticks its head in the ground, you just sit there while we ride away.
Inferian: You stupid ostrich, this is a myth! Stop living up to your stereotype! You’re better than this!
DM: Dire ostrich…
Falgrim: “Meep meep!”
DM: That’s for Falgrim. Make a Ride check,
Falgrim: Oh, I actually HAVE Ride!
Inferian: Now quickly, make a Profession(Roadrunner trapper) check.
DM: What is the make of your broadsword? Oh no, it’s Acme!
As usual, everyone mocks Hendlar and the Pony. They ride back without problems, entering the capital at twilight.
DM: As you come through the city gates, you reflect back on all that has happened since last you walked through.
Inferian: That means we get experience!
DM: Yeah. No, it’s when you wake up.
Calinai: This is not Elder Scrolls!
Everyone receives 5800 XP, which is quite nice at 4th level and a level-up! Items are identified, all is glorious! Except fifth level is an incredibly boring level for everyone. The DM, bored, rolls dice behind the screen.
DM: A crit! Where were you an hour ago?
Inferian: He wants to kill us!
DM: Why am I faulted for my honesty? I don’t sit here and -- (rubs hands together gleefully) -- and chortle over it in less honest ways. Yes, I want you dead! I’ve had a taste of it and now I’m addicted!
On that ominous note, the game comes to an end. Will our heroes be slain? Or will our heroes be slain?! Find out… uh, in a few game reports.