Rift Thinks Your Movie Sucks! - Final
Enough lolly-gagging!
Ever watch a movie that makes you wish you could hunt the actor/director down and violently shove them down a flight of stairs? Or throw them screaming from a helicopter? Or just grind their face on a running belt-sander?
Okay, time to finish this shitload of fuck.
Freddy Got Fingered - 2001
Stars: Tom Green, Rip Torn, Marisa Coughlan, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Harland Williams, Anthony Michael Hall, Julie Hagerty, Drew Barrymore, Stephen Tobolowsky
Directed by: Tom Green
Trailer
To every single individual who happens to find this atrocious piece of crap even remotely funny, I question your intelligence. I really do.
There was once a time when Tom Green was considered at least mildly amusing, and we're talking back when he was pulling pranks on MTV. Whenever you'd see him in a random cameo, or even a small bit role, he managed to make us chuckle a bit. He came across as one of those... "special" people... One of those guys who thinks he's one of the funniest people alive, and laughs at his own jokes more than everyone else does.
In 2001, Fox agreed to greenlight and distribute Tom Green's directorial debut, and for the life of me, I can't imagine why.
Green plays Gordon, an aspiring animator who flees his Oregon home to hopefully land a job in Hollywood. After getting told that his ideas are some of the worst ever conceived (oh, the irony) and needs to take time to completely rethink them, he moves back home. His dad (played by Rip Torn) hates the fact that his son is pretty much a pathetic loser, and grills him on a constant basis over getting out and getting a job.
Gordon runs into Betty (Marisa Coughlan), an attractive young doctor while visiting the hospital, and proceeds to ask her out on a date. Come to find out, she's paralyzed from the waist-down and uses a wheelchair. Even though her sexual aggression intimidates Gordon, he obeys her when she demands he beat her legs senseless with a bamboo cane...
Gordon's family goes to a psychiatrist, and he lies to her that his father molests his brother, Freddy, while failing to mention that Freddy is 25. Because child-molestation is funny, right?
Ha ha?
He eventually gets the house to himself, and conjures up "Zebras in America", in which he bases the material on his own family.
Okay, it's not that the plot is stupid enough, but the antics Gordon performs in between scenes is what drives this movie beyond levels of unacceptable. Even though it's edited down, my mind is blown that this avoided the nefarious NC-17 rating when it opened in theaters.
Shock-comedy was nothing new. If the execution is good, with a clever setup and funny performances, it can still get me to laugh. But there's a limit... There's a basic rule. If you're gonna show me something disgusting, do it in a flash. Like no more than a second. Just enough to make me go "OH GOD!!! WHAT WAS THAT?!?! EWW!!" A perfect example of it done right is 1998's There's Something About Mary.
But of course, it had to be "topped" by other filmmakers. They had to raise the bar, even thought no one asked for it to be raised. Freddy Got Fingered doesn't just raise it though.... It leaps over and shits all over it. I didn't watch this to see "how bad it was" from how it got blasted by critics and won five Razzies. I watched it because one of my coworkers at Blockbuster told me I had to "see it to believe it."
It was a dare. But realistically, I hadn't seen much of it aside from the original trailer. I really didn't think it would be all that bad, and figured it would have a couple goofy bits that would make it somewhat worthwhile. My fucking God... Not even ten minutes in we see Gordon leap out of his car to waggle a horse's floppy penis. I'm going to say that again. He stops his car, jumps out, and blatantly manhandles the dick of a horse. And yes, it's the real deal.
I wish I could find the full scenes on YouTube, but then again, it's probably best that they're not there. But it begs the winning question: WHY?!! What the FUCK is the point of that?! It's only trumped by the film's end when he sprays his dad with elephant jizz... straight from the source. D:
The movie didn't just stop there, though. In a reference to "getting inside his animals" as the Hollywood exec mentioned, Gordon decides to cut open a dead deer (guts spilling out and everything) and proceeds to wear its bloody skin as he dances around screaming. *brain starts bleeding*
How about when one of his buddies busts his knee open while skateboarding, and Gordon starts licking the wound?
Let's drag it even further down by mentioning the scene in the hospital where he encounters a woman giving birth. The baby appears to be dead (seriously, how the fuck is THAT a good setup for comedy?!!) and instead of calling a doctor over, Gordon grabs the baby by the umbilical cord, and swings it over his head, sending chunks of blood and splattery bits flying across the room and all over the walls. The baby miraculously comes back to life, and Gordon proceeds to bite the umbilical cord off with his teeth... and later attach it to his own belly button with a slab of duct tape.
Shocking doesn't even begin to classify that scene. When I saw that for the first time, my mouth was agape. I couldn't believe what I had just witnessed. The fact that this was ALLOWED to remain in the final cut simply blew my mind. Who was supposed to find that funny?! Wait.. scratch that question. We all know exactly what group of people find that funny...
There's even a running gag with a crippled kid getting horribly tortured by random accidents throughout the film, his final "hurrah" ends up being chopped to bits by a propeller blade.
And when Green isn't trying to shock us, he spends the rest of the time flailing about like a retard, screaming and wailing at the top of his lungs.
Just... *face-palms* Just what the hell were the studio execs doing?! How the hell was this approved for a naitonwide release in THEATERS?! Who even went and saw this, being that it raked in $13.7 million?! Yes, even more than Uwe Boll's highest-grossing attempt.
What the hell is this supposed to even be? In an industry where the idea of offending people is taboo, were they aiming for the opposite effect, and trying to offend EVERYONE?! I'm not easily offended, mind you. I have a very high tolerance for just about any type of comedic material. Hell, I consider South Park to be a milestone of offensive humor. It earns points because it holds nothing sacred. They make fun of atheists just as much as they poke fun at Jews and Christians. That and it's absurdly animated, making the situations more comical and less gruesome to the eyes.
When it comes to live-action, stillborn childbirth is not funny. Mutilating dead animals is not funny. Jerking off farm animals is not funny. Tom Green is NOT FUCKING FUNNY.
I was serious when I stated that he's someone I'd love to shove down a flight of stairs. Fuck, if I saw him in person, I'd probably slap the shit out of him with a rotten fish. If I could find a place for him in Hollywood, it would be with the Jackass crew, and he'd be one of the guys who always ends up in the hospital.
"2 Girls, 1 Cup" is even more tolerable to watch than this, and that's because it's over in a few minutes. This thing goes on for over an hour and a half, and I felt like I had been in a car wreck when it was finished. I don't think I've ever shouted "WHAT THE FUCK?!" at a single movie so many times before this... and I have yet to see anything surpass it.
Freddy Got Fingered is by far the most irritating piece of shit I have ever sat through in my entire life. Even Manos: Hands of Fate is better entertainment, because you can at least call over some friends and give that your own MST3K treatment.
This is the one movie I judge people's intelligence with, and some of my friends think it's kinda unfair to do so. But when all the people I personally know who liked it were stoners and folks that were a few sandwiches short of a picnic... how can I not make that judgment? The only thing I can possibly compare that to would be the Adjective Movies, but I've never seen a single one of those for more than 20 minutes at a time.
Yeah, I'm sad I couldn't put those on this list. But I really don't want to sit through 'em all either. :| I'm still suffering for the rest of my life with this crap replaying in my memory.
Ever watch a movie that makes you wish you could hunt the actor/director down and violently shove them down a flight of stairs? Or throw them screaming from a helicopter? Or just grind their face on a running belt-sander?
Okay, time to finish this shitload of fuck.
Freddy Got Fingered - 2001
Stars: Tom Green, Rip Torn, Marisa Coughlan, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Harland Williams, Anthony Michael Hall, Julie Hagerty, Drew Barrymore, Stephen Tobolowsky
Directed by: Tom Green
Trailer
To every single individual who happens to find this atrocious piece of crap even remotely funny, I question your intelligence. I really do.
There was once a time when Tom Green was considered at least mildly amusing, and we're talking back when he was pulling pranks on MTV. Whenever you'd see him in a random cameo, or even a small bit role, he managed to make us chuckle a bit. He came across as one of those... "special" people... One of those guys who thinks he's one of the funniest people alive, and laughs at his own jokes more than everyone else does.
In 2001, Fox agreed to greenlight and distribute Tom Green's directorial debut, and for the life of me, I can't imagine why.
Green plays Gordon, an aspiring animator who flees his Oregon home to hopefully land a job in Hollywood. After getting told that his ideas are some of the worst ever conceived (oh, the irony) and needs to take time to completely rethink them, he moves back home. His dad (played by Rip Torn) hates the fact that his son is pretty much a pathetic loser, and grills him on a constant basis over getting out and getting a job.
Gordon runs into Betty (Marisa Coughlan), an attractive young doctor while visiting the hospital, and proceeds to ask her out on a date. Come to find out, she's paralyzed from the waist-down and uses a wheelchair. Even though her sexual aggression intimidates Gordon, he obeys her when she demands he beat her legs senseless with a bamboo cane...
Gordon's family goes to a psychiatrist, and he lies to her that his father molests his brother, Freddy, while failing to mention that Freddy is 25. Because child-molestation is funny, right?
Ha ha?
He eventually gets the house to himself, and conjures up "Zebras in America", in which he bases the material on his own family.
Click to viewOkay, it's not that the plot is stupid enough, but the antics Gordon performs in between scenes is what drives this movie beyond levels of unacceptable. Even though it's edited down, my mind is blown that this avoided the nefarious NC-17 rating when it opened in theaters.
Shock-comedy was nothing new. If the execution is good, with a clever setup and funny performances, it can still get me to laugh. But there's a limit... There's a basic rule. If you're gonna show me something disgusting, do it in a flash. Like no more than a second. Just enough to make me go "OH GOD!!! WHAT WAS THAT?!?! EWW!!" A perfect example of it done right is 1998's There's Something About Mary.
But of course, it had to be "topped" by other filmmakers. They had to raise the bar, even thought no one asked for it to be raised. Freddy Got Fingered doesn't just raise it though.... It leaps over and shits all over it. I didn't watch this to see "how bad it was" from how it got blasted by critics and won five Razzies. I watched it because one of my coworkers at Blockbuster told me I had to "see it to believe it."
It was a dare. But realistically, I hadn't seen much of it aside from the original trailer. I really didn't think it would be all that bad, and figured it would have a couple goofy bits that would make it somewhat worthwhile. My fucking God... Not even ten minutes in we see Gordon leap out of his car to waggle a horse's floppy penis. I'm going to say that again. He stops his car, jumps out, and blatantly manhandles the dick of a horse. And yes, it's the real deal.
I wish I could find the full scenes on YouTube, but then again, it's probably best that they're not there. But it begs the winning question: WHY?!! What the FUCK is the point of that?! It's only trumped by the film's end when he sprays his dad with elephant jizz... straight from the source. D:
The movie didn't just stop there, though. In a reference to "getting inside his animals" as the Hollywood exec mentioned, Gordon decides to cut open a dead deer (guts spilling out and everything) and proceeds to wear its bloody skin as he dances around screaming. *brain starts bleeding*
How about when one of his buddies busts his knee open while skateboarding, and Gordon starts licking the wound?
Let's drag it even further down by mentioning the scene in the hospital where he encounters a woman giving birth. The baby appears to be dead (seriously, how the fuck is THAT a good setup for comedy?!!) and instead of calling a doctor over, Gordon grabs the baby by the umbilical cord, and swings it over his head, sending chunks of blood and splattery bits flying across the room and all over the walls. The baby miraculously comes back to life, and Gordon proceeds to bite the umbilical cord off with his teeth... and later attach it to his own belly button with a slab of duct tape.
Shocking doesn't even begin to classify that scene. When I saw that for the first time, my mouth was agape. I couldn't believe what I had just witnessed. The fact that this was ALLOWED to remain in the final cut simply blew my mind. Who was supposed to find that funny?! Wait.. scratch that question. We all know exactly what group of people find that funny...
There's even a running gag with a crippled kid getting horribly tortured by random accidents throughout the film, his final "hurrah" ends up being chopped to bits by a propeller blade.
And when Green isn't trying to shock us, he spends the rest of the time flailing about like a retard, screaming and wailing at the top of his lungs.
Just... *face-palms* Just what the hell were the studio execs doing?! How the hell was this approved for a naitonwide release in THEATERS?! Who even went and saw this, being that it raked in $13.7 million?! Yes, even more than Uwe Boll's highest-grossing attempt.
What the hell is this supposed to even be? In an industry where the idea of offending people is taboo, were they aiming for the opposite effect, and trying to offend EVERYONE?! I'm not easily offended, mind you. I have a very high tolerance for just about any type of comedic material. Hell, I consider South Park to be a milestone of offensive humor. It earns points because it holds nothing sacred. They make fun of atheists just as much as they poke fun at Jews and Christians. That and it's absurdly animated, making the situations more comical and less gruesome to the eyes.
When it comes to live-action, stillborn childbirth is not funny. Mutilating dead animals is not funny. Jerking off farm animals is not funny. Tom Green is NOT FUCKING FUNNY.
I was serious when I stated that he's someone I'd love to shove down a flight of stairs. Fuck, if I saw him in person, I'd probably slap the shit out of him with a rotten fish. If I could find a place for him in Hollywood, it would be with the Jackass crew, and he'd be one of the guys who always ends up in the hospital.
"2 Girls, 1 Cup" is even more tolerable to watch than this, and that's because it's over in a few minutes. This thing goes on for over an hour and a half, and I felt like I had been in a car wreck when it was finished. I don't think I've ever shouted "WHAT THE FUCK?!" at a single movie so many times before this... and I have yet to see anything surpass it.
Freddy Got Fingered is by far the most irritating piece of shit I have ever sat through in my entire life. Even Manos: Hands of Fate is better entertainment, because you can at least call over some friends and give that your own MST3K treatment.
This is the one movie I judge people's intelligence with, and some of my friends think it's kinda unfair to do so. But when all the people I personally know who liked it were stoners and folks that were a few sandwiches short of a picnic... how can I not make that judgment? The only thing I can possibly compare that to would be the Adjective Movies, but I've never seen a single one of those for more than 20 minutes at a time.
Yeah, I'm sad I couldn't put those on this list. But I really don't want to sit through 'em all either. :| I'm still suffering for the rest of my life with this crap replaying in my memory.