You can run. All your life. But not go anywhere.
'Ball and Chain' maintains to be the theme song of my life.
Im probably going to be writing a lot more just because of a lack of anything else to do. Thats alright though.
Hmm. Im starting to kind of wanna go back to school. Which is weird because I usually set that desire up on the shelf. I really need to get shit back in order. Did you know that if you dont pay your bills and they decide to send you to jail they come pick you up at work? That would be a total blower and it would be slightly embarrasing. Von alerted me of this possibility.
Ive been feeling really nostalgic. I miss things from the past and people and places and states of time. I probably dont make any sense I dont know. I remember when I used to be 100% nice all of the time. Where as now Im called a bitch at least twice a day. It hurts my feelings :*( Just kidding. I think Im just afraid of people walking all over me again. I have this wild paranoia of people taking advantage of me. Its SICK SICK.
I feel like I have this tough facade that I cant have anyone break. Its not hard to be hurtful or distant. It isnt hard to ignore and be angry. But its JUST A FRONT. Im still vulnerable as hell Im just never gonna show it. I still hurt inside but no ones ever gonna see it. Its like I value dignity and pride over forgiveness and remorse. So all I have left is a stewing pool or resentment. Im still the one fucked in the end. I dwell in my bitterness why? Because Ill end up satisfied in the end? No. But at least I still have my dignity.
Im only thinking about this because Ive been talking to the person that turned me this way. The weird thing is that we didnt talk for two years and now we're talking again. And when I first met him I was 17 and I was a really nice person that let everyone have the benifit of the doubt and he was the angry drunk that was pissed off at the world. Now its like he's completely sober and he's in school full time and he's the one thats happier and go lucky and I feel like I turned into what he used to be and he turned into what I used to be. I dont regret everything that happened because he definatly made me become someone that does NOT take shit from anybody but he also made me into someone that realized how fucked up people can be and how badly they can hurt and manipulate you. He made me paranoid as hell and I landed in therapy because of this guy and he landed in a psych ward because of me. Its a really long story but the point is that we're actually cool again and hes on meds and we're both older and I guess wiser. But Geeze. I just wish I wasnt so cynical and angry about most shit. I wish that I woudnt feel like such a phony when I am being a nice person. The funny thing is that people that dont know me very well actually think Im trully a nice person. Which I feel is totally incorrect. I hate feeling like Im one of those people you have to 'watch out' for. And its not so much that I am because Im pretty upfront but I guess it goes from that switch of, once Im comfortable around you enough to be myself how dissapointed are you going to be when you find out Im not the sweet, charming girl you thought I was the first time you met me? because who I really am isnt sweet or charming. Its more sardonic and cynical topped with a hint of sadistic.
Who knows.
Im gonna lose. Im destined to fail.
Im not depressed or anything Im just contemplating. Like at what point did I lose myself this badly. At what point did things get so fucked up. At what point did I get so desperate about my life and the people around me. At what point did I sink into such a sense of despair?
waahhhhhhhhhhhwhaaaaaaaaaaaahwaaaaaaaaaaah somebody please call me the waaambulance.
Later.
Im probably going to be writing a lot more just because of a lack of anything else to do. Thats alright though.
Hmm. Im starting to kind of wanna go back to school. Which is weird because I usually set that desire up on the shelf. I really need to get shit back in order. Did you know that if you dont pay your bills and they decide to send you to jail they come pick you up at work? That would be a total blower and it would be slightly embarrasing. Von alerted me of this possibility.
Ive been feeling really nostalgic. I miss things from the past and people and places and states of time. I probably dont make any sense I dont know. I remember when I used to be 100% nice all of the time. Where as now Im called a bitch at least twice a day. It hurts my feelings :*( Just kidding. I think Im just afraid of people walking all over me again. I have this wild paranoia of people taking advantage of me. Its SICK SICK.
I feel like I have this tough facade that I cant have anyone break. Its not hard to be hurtful or distant. It isnt hard to ignore and be angry. But its JUST A FRONT. Im still vulnerable as hell Im just never gonna show it. I still hurt inside but no ones ever gonna see it. Its like I value dignity and pride over forgiveness and remorse. So all I have left is a stewing pool or resentment. Im still the one fucked in the end. I dwell in my bitterness why? Because Ill end up satisfied in the end? No. But at least I still have my dignity.
Im only thinking about this because Ive been talking to the person that turned me this way. The weird thing is that we didnt talk for two years and now we're talking again. And when I first met him I was 17 and I was a really nice person that let everyone have the benifit of the doubt and he was the angry drunk that was pissed off at the world. Now its like he's completely sober and he's in school full time and he's the one thats happier and go lucky and I feel like I turned into what he used to be and he turned into what I used to be. I dont regret everything that happened because he definatly made me become someone that does NOT take shit from anybody but he also made me into someone that realized how fucked up people can be and how badly they can hurt and manipulate you. He made me paranoid as hell and I landed in therapy because of this guy and he landed in a psych ward because of me. Its a really long story but the point is that we're actually cool again and hes on meds and we're both older and I guess wiser. But Geeze. I just wish I wasnt so cynical and angry about most shit. I wish that I woudnt feel like such a phony when I am being a nice person. The funny thing is that people that dont know me very well actually think Im trully a nice person. Which I feel is totally incorrect. I hate feeling like Im one of those people you have to 'watch out' for. And its not so much that I am because Im pretty upfront but I guess it goes from that switch of, once Im comfortable around you enough to be myself how dissapointed are you going to be when you find out Im not the sweet, charming girl you thought I was the first time you met me? because who I really am isnt sweet or charming. Its more sardonic and cynical topped with a hint of sadistic.
Who knows.
Im gonna lose. Im destined to fail.
Im not depressed or anything Im just contemplating. Like at what point did I lose myself this badly. At what point did things get so fucked up. At what point did I get so desperate about my life and the people around me. At what point did I sink into such a sense of despair?
waahhhhhhhhhhhwhaaaaaaaaaaaahwaaaaaaaaaaah somebody please call me the waaambulance.
Later.