everbodyeverybodyeverybodyeverybodyeverybodyfucks.everybodyeverybodyeverybodyeverybodyeverybodysucks
Thats from System of a Down. Violent Pornography. They are quickly becoming one of my favorite bands. And heres the rest of my nonsense behind the cut.
I went to the doctor today for my endless cold. He gave me some antibiotics and some coughsyrup. It was getting to the point where my chest was hurting a lot if I took a deep breath. So hopefully I'll be fine in a little bit. Funny I think I was healthier when I was on drugs.
Im pretty upset. Mostly with myself. I missed open enrollment for health insurance and now I have to wait until May to sign up. Can you believe that? I mean I know its my fault for being so irresponsible. But I really fucked myself over this time. Which also led me to another thought. Von offered me a job at the same place she works. It pays more and its a real real job. Like in an office. Im thinking about it. I dont know if I could get up early and deal with rush hour. I know lame reason for not taking a job but Im so used to sleeping in. Sigh. Its good to know that the option is there though.
Thomas and I are planning to go to California in a couple of months. San Francisco to be exact. I really want to check out the west coast since Ive never been. In August we're gonna go down to Tampa since theres a condo down there that we can use. Mike and his gf might come down too. So it should be fun. I just really want to get out of here. Once again. I should just say fuck it all and become a gypsy.
Thomas wanted to go fuck with the protesters that are outside of the supreme court right now. We would have gone if I didnt have to go to the doctors. stupid stupid stupid people. They're not gonna overturn roe vs wade Stupid! Stop wasting your breath. Geeze.
Ive been mostly in bed. Not really hanging out with anyone just resting. So Im going to write about Love.
I wonder if its more rewarding to wait around to find the one that you cant live without or settle for the one you can. Lets say that theres already someone out there who has changed their whole life around for the better because of you. Who is majoring in Latin American studies because he met you. Who got into AA and stopped drinking (mostly) because of you. Who believes you to be his soulmate. Who loves you more than anyone else he has ever loved.
Its intoxicating in theory. The fact that someone out there unconditianally loves me. Who I loved once just not enough. I wish I could feel the way he feels about me about someone. But I dont. At least not yet. Im too guarded. Or maybe just too logical. But at the same time I look at this person who is already planning out the rest of their life with the assumption that I will be around in mind. Should I even wait for anything else? Is that all Im doing is waiting? Maybe this is it. Maybe its better to just be with that one person who honestly cannot live without you. Or is it just a safety net? So Im guaranteed never to be alone. Because I choose to be alone is the thing. If I wanted to be involved with someone. Trust me. This person will always be waiting for me.
I mean Im glad I had something to do with him improving his life. Going to school full time. Being clean off of everything. Im not even resentful about our past anymore. But still... I choose to wait. I mean whose to say that overtime I wont feel the same for them?
Im tempted. Yet at the same time I know Im playing with fire by maintaining contact with this person. I have too much power. Way too much power. Its too much power for someone like me. I feel that at any moment darkness could take over and I will just become corrupt. And I dont want that. I dont want the avalanche of bad karma that would follow. I have to be so careful. Or should I just give in.
Sigh. I just realized how incredibly confused I am.
At least this medicine is making me feel better already.
Still.
I wish I wasnt so cold.
I went to the doctor today for my endless cold. He gave me some antibiotics and some coughsyrup. It was getting to the point where my chest was hurting a lot if I took a deep breath. So hopefully I'll be fine in a little bit. Funny I think I was healthier when I was on drugs.
Im pretty upset. Mostly with myself. I missed open enrollment for health insurance and now I have to wait until May to sign up. Can you believe that? I mean I know its my fault for being so irresponsible. But I really fucked myself over this time. Which also led me to another thought. Von offered me a job at the same place she works. It pays more and its a real real job. Like in an office. Im thinking about it. I dont know if I could get up early and deal with rush hour. I know lame reason for not taking a job but Im so used to sleeping in. Sigh. Its good to know that the option is there though.
Thomas and I are planning to go to California in a couple of months. San Francisco to be exact. I really want to check out the west coast since Ive never been. In August we're gonna go down to Tampa since theres a condo down there that we can use. Mike and his gf might come down too. So it should be fun. I just really want to get out of here. Once again. I should just say fuck it all and become a gypsy.
Thomas wanted to go fuck with the protesters that are outside of the supreme court right now. We would have gone if I didnt have to go to the doctors. stupid stupid stupid people. They're not gonna overturn roe vs wade Stupid! Stop wasting your breath. Geeze.
Ive been mostly in bed. Not really hanging out with anyone just resting. So Im going to write about Love.
I wonder if its more rewarding to wait around to find the one that you cant live without or settle for the one you can. Lets say that theres already someone out there who has changed their whole life around for the better because of you. Who is majoring in Latin American studies because he met you. Who got into AA and stopped drinking (mostly) because of you. Who believes you to be his soulmate. Who loves you more than anyone else he has ever loved.
Its intoxicating in theory. The fact that someone out there unconditianally loves me. Who I loved once just not enough. I wish I could feel the way he feels about me about someone. But I dont. At least not yet. Im too guarded. Or maybe just too logical. But at the same time I look at this person who is already planning out the rest of their life with the assumption that I will be around in mind. Should I even wait for anything else? Is that all Im doing is waiting? Maybe this is it. Maybe its better to just be with that one person who honestly cannot live without you. Or is it just a safety net? So Im guaranteed never to be alone. Because I choose to be alone is the thing. If I wanted to be involved with someone. Trust me. This person will always be waiting for me.
I mean Im glad I had something to do with him improving his life. Going to school full time. Being clean off of everything. Im not even resentful about our past anymore. But still... I choose to wait. I mean whose to say that overtime I wont feel the same for them?
Im tempted. Yet at the same time I know Im playing with fire by maintaining contact with this person. I have too much power. Way too much power. Its too much power for someone like me. I feel that at any moment darkness could take over and I will just become corrupt. And I dont want that. I dont want the avalanche of bad karma that would follow. I have to be so careful. Or should I just give in.
Sigh. I just realized how incredibly confused I am.
At least this medicine is making me feel better already.
Still.
I wish I wasnt so cold.