Only.
Ive neglected my lj long enough. It wasnt my fault it was in the shop for a while. Then I totalled my car and had no ride to the computer shop.
Yes. I totalled my car. Right now its definatly been a defining moment in my life. Primarily because I have no ride. It happened after Starscape. Yeah typical right. It was raining sheets. If it hadnt been for the fucking rain I would have been able to see the pileup already in front of me. It was On 495. Going at about 60 mph. Four car accident. I was in the middle. It was my fault. Because I was the only person involved that was not supposed to be driving.(suspended) Someone even had to go to the hospital (everyone was okay in the end) One of the worst things you could ever see is seeing someone being carried out of a car that you wrecked on a stretcher. It wouldnt have been my fault if it hadnt been for my licence. Something that could have been easily remedied if I just cared to do things on time. It sucks, but shit happens. It sucks having to get rides from people all the time. It all just sucked. Guess you gotta pay for your mistakes at some point. Im just working through it.
Nation closed. Finally. It was a hell of a closing weekend I must say. The current icon picture is from this weekend. I really like it because it was a candid shot that I wasnt prepared for. I look happy. Granted Im pretty sure I was stoned out of my mind but still. I dont have any pictures where I really look happy.
This week has been blah. Not particularly bad. It sucks when you hear from about 4 different people that you look upset or down. Or to smile. The thing is, I wasnt really upset. I know I havent really been myself. Ive been feeling a little introverted. Just more withdrawn. Its annoying when stuff like that is brought up to your face. I cant flip my mood with a switch.
Im not really sure of the exact reason for it. Ive just been feeling kinda empty. Im sure a lot of it has to do with my car. And the club closing probably. I get bad seperation anxiety. I wish mike was still here. I realized today that a lot of it has to do with mike moving. i miss him. It sucks when one of your best friends moves miles and miles away. Specially someone you're used to seeing all the time since you lived with them. He would always do whatever he could to cheer me up when I was down. Always checking to make sure Im alright. Shit, that kids sat with me for hours in a hospital and still managed to make me laugh. We were always doing stuff. Whether it was going nightrockclimbing or sitting by the aquaducts, or trespassing into buildings or spontanously going to the beach it always ended up being fun. The two of them, him and thomas, are the only people I would without hesitation honestly do anything for. I trust them both unconditionally and I never trust anyone unconditionally. Im glad that Thomas is here though. Because if he wasnt Im not sure what I would do. Thats blood. I have been so lucky to have both of them in my life. They can lift me from a fivefootunder depression without effort. And I know he said that we would still be close after he moved but I know it never works out that way. Specially with Nation closing I know Im hardly ever going to get to see that kid. That makes me really sad. See this is why I hate it when people are in relationships. The other party becomes all possesive. Then you just kinda gotta let them go.
Weird. Its Thursday now. Im not gonna be at the club. Thats so strange.
I uploaded a shitload of music to my iTunes phone. Its pretty fucking sweet. Since I dont have a car anymore I gotta be able to listen to music one way or another.
I started smoking again. I started after the accident. I know. whocares.
Im at a plateau. Thats what it feels like. I have been updating my myspace. (myspace.com/getbehnt) I update but not like this. I know less people have LJ than myspace. I kinda like it that way.
I was listening to this today and caught all the lyrics. I love Trent Reznor for being such an amazingly talented downer.
"Only"
I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes I can see right through myself
Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world that is
Cause it doesn't really matter anymore
(no it doesn't really matter anymore)
No it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore
Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself
I just made you up to hurt myself, yeah
And I just made you up to hurt myself
And it worked.
Yes it did!
There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
Only
Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad
I just couldn't leave it alone, I kept picking at the scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through
Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside
Yes. I totalled my car. Right now its definatly been a defining moment in my life. Primarily because I have no ride. It happened after Starscape. Yeah typical right. It was raining sheets. If it hadnt been for the fucking rain I would have been able to see the pileup already in front of me. It was On 495. Going at about 60 mph. Four car accident. I was in the middle. It was my fault. Because I was the only person involved that was not supposed to be driving.(suspended) Someone even had to go to the hospital (everyone was okay in the end) One of the worst things you could ever see is seeing someone being carried out of a car that you wrecked on a stretcher. It wouldnt have been my fault if it hadnt been for my licence. Something that could have been easily remedied if I just cared to do things on time. It sucks, but shit happens. It sucks having to get rides from people all the time. It all just sucked. Guess you gotta pay for your mistakes at some point. Im just working through it.
Nation closed. Finally. It was a hell of a closing weekend I must say. The current icon picture is from this weekend. I really like it because it was a candid shot that I wasnt prepared for. I look happy. Granted Im pretty sure I was stoned out of my mind but still. I dont have any pictures where I really look happy.
This week has been blah. Not particularly bad. It sucks when you hear from about 4 different people that you look upset or down. Or to smile. The thing is, I wasnt really upset. I know I havent really been myself. Ive been feeling a little introverted. Just more withdrawn. Its annoying when stuff like that is brought up to your face. I cant flip my mood with a switch.
Im not really sure of the exact reason for it. Ive just been feeling kinda empty. Im sure a lot of it has to do with my car. And the club closing probably. I get bad seperation anxiety. I wish mike was still here. I realized today that a lot of it has to do with mike moving. i miss him. It sucks when one of your best friends moves miles and miles away. Specially someone you're used to seeing all the time since you lived with them. He would always do whatever he could to cheer me up when I was down. Always checking to make sure Im alright. Shit, that kids sat with me for hours in a hospital and still managed to make me laugh. We were always doing stuff. Whether it was going nightrockclimbing or sitting by the aquaducts, or trespassing into buildings or spontanously going to the beach it always ended up being fun. The two of them, him and thomas, are the only people I would without hesitation honestly do anything for. I trust them both unconditionally and I never trust anyone unconditionally. Im glad that Thomas is here though. Because if he wasnt Im not sure what I would do. Thats blood. I have been so lucky to have both of them in my life. They can lift me from a fivefootunder depression without effort. And I know he said that we would still be close after he moved but I know it never works out that way. Specially with Nation closing I know Im hardly ever going to get to see that kid. That makes me really sad. See this is why I hate it when people are in relationships. The other party becomes all possesive. Then you just kinda gotta let them go.
Weird. Its Thursday now. Im not gonna be at the club. Thats so strange.
I uploaded a shitload of music to my iTunes phone. Its pretty fucking sweet. Since I dont have a car anymore I gotta be able to listen to music one way or another.
I started smoking again. I started after the accident. I know. whocares.
Im at a plateau. Thats what it feels like. I have been updating my myspace. (myspace.com/getbehnt) I update but not like this. I know less people have LJ than myspace. I kinda like it that way.
I was listening to this today and caught all the lyrics. I love Trent Reznor for being such an amazingly talented downer.
"Only"
I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes I can see right through myself
Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world that is
Cause it doesn't really matter anymore
(no it doesn't really matter anymore)
No it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore
Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself
I just made you up to hurt myself, yeah
And I just made you up to hurt myself
And it worked.
Yes it did!
There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
Only
Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad
I just couldn't leave it alone, I kept picking at the scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through
Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside