An Epic Tale 1/2
An Epic Tale
word count: 5600
summary: Teagan always knew he was meant for something special. Billy just comes along for the ride.
a/n: Heavily inspired by Tom Gauld's Characters for an Epic Tale. Written as an experiment.
Once upon a time, there was a hero. His name was Teagan, and he liked to pretend that he was utterly unique. His friend, Billy the Pirate, would say that might be the most interesting thing about him, leading Teagan to storm away in a huff while Billy felt bad. (Billy would later redeem himself by putting red boxer shorts, dotted with hearts, on the famous statues The Knight and the Minotaur, both of which stood at the town square. Teagan would try to suppress a smile, and things would return to status quo.)
On this particular day Teagan was walking to school, unaware that he was about to embark on the journey of a hero. Across the street, Jim the Priest, who was a Prophet of Doom on his spare time, was once again threatening armageddon on random passersby. Had Teagan stopped to listen to Jim, a certain amount of misfortune might have been avoided -- but that wouldn't have made a very good story, so Teagan soldiered on, oblivious.
The school Teagan attended was, simply put, a white box. The architect, revered in some circles as a genius, had designed it so the outer walls formed a golden rectangle. Like most geniuses, he forgot that his efforts would only be appreciated by the town's birdman, his family, and some daring apparitions and floating skulls.
There were certain disadvantages to attending a school shaped like a golden rectangle, but Teagan luckily didn't notice most of them. His and Billy's classroom was airy and light, with big windows covering the entire east wall.
The windows made it very easy to notice as a dark, hulking figure separated itself from the horizon and started to move towards the school. All the pupils, excluding the freaks and urchins in the back row, started paying attention as the figure moved closer. Their teacher, a tiny man named mr. Miles, stood with his back against the windows. To him it appeared like over a third of the class was listening to his lesson -- something practically unprecedented in all of his teaching career.
Teagan, who sat far enough back to avoid mr. Miles' beady eyes, leaned over to Billy, and whispered, "What is that?"
"No idea," Billy said, and they watched in silence as the figure came closer with impossibly precise steps.
The entire class gasped when the figure came close enough for them to distinguish what it was. Sun glinted off the metal chest of the large man, and mr. Miles turned around just in time to say, "What the--" before a fist crushed the aforementioned windows, and a woman's voice bellowed out, "Silence!"
One of the Belleford twins accidentally dropped a sewing needle from where he'd been fiddling with it, and it clattered as it fell to the floor.
"I am the sorceress of Cipe," the voice rang again, and Teagan thought for a moment she might be inside the metal man -- but then there was the sound of latches being opened, and a thud could be heard from behind the machine. A woman appeared, stumbling minutely. Her appearance was bedraggled, as if she'd been fastened to the back of the machine for quite some time. Despite all this, it was apparent she was quite attractive, and a boy from the first row called, "What's your name?" His friends catcalled, while the tart at his arm just snuggled closer.
The sorceress sighed, and pointed to something engraved on the chest of the metal man: "Property of ΣLLA."
The other Belleford twin stuck a hand in the air, and said without preamble, "You know the sigma is the letter S, right? According to that, your name is Slla."
"Thank you, miss know-it-all," the sorceress said, annoyance clear in her features as she made a mental note to have the engraving changed.
"Now," she said, and started searching her wrinkled robes, "which one of you is.." she drew out a piece of paper and squinted at it, "Teagan?"
"Me, me, that's me," Teagan hurried to say, while waving a hand in the air.
"Okay," the sorceress, taken aback by his enthusiasm. "It says here that a necromancer named," she squinted at the paper again, "Evil Dan is trying to open a portal to the netherworld. You have to defeat him and make sure he never opens the portal. Oh, and your sidekick is Billy the Pirate?"
Billy smiled winningly, and waved condescendingly at his staring classmates.
"Hell yeah, sounds awesome!" Teagan said with feeling. "How do I do that?"
"Visit the hermit they call Flem, and he will teach you the ways of being a hero." The sorceress tried to smile enigmatically, clearly hoping everyone had already forgotten the Belleford twin making a fool of her earlier, and drummed her fingers twice against the metal panel of the giant beside her. They both vanished, and a guy with a monkey on his shoulder in the second row wondered loudly, "Why didn't she just do that to get here?"
Teagan turned to Billy, grinning like a loon. "Told you I was special!"
"Er, yes," Billy answered with an uncertain smile, and has just opened his mouth when mr. Miles coughed loudly to be heard over the dispersed chattering the class had fallen into.
"Class!" he said, and when that yielded no results, he drew himself up to his full 4'9" and yelled, "If each and every one of you don't quiet down, you'll all have to take a test tomorrow about all the theories in the history of ever!"
The class quieted down.
"Thank you," said mr. Miles, and picked some window debris from his flannel jecket. "Now, as we were.."
When it became apparent mr. Miles intended to continue the lesson as if there had been no interruptions, almost the entire class went back to dozing off or doodling in their text books.
"Doesn't it seem kinda dangerous, though?" Billy whispered to Teagan.
"Who cares, it's an adventure! It's supposed to come with a splash of danger."
"I'm just saying," Billy tried. "We've got no reason to defeat this Evil Dave--"
"Evil Dan, Billy, c'mon," Teagan interjected. "He's our new arch nemesis, the least you could do is learn the guy's name."
Billy shot him a dark look. "Besides," he continued, "we're having Jolly and Beiste over for dinner today."
"The giant and that hairy beast? Really?"
"Yeah, didn't you hear? They hooked up."
"Good for them," Teagan said sincerely. "If anyone can tame that woman, it's gotta be Jolly." He remembered what they'd been discussing before the digression, and continued as if it'd never happened. "This is why I'm the hero, by the way, and you're just the sidekick." He gave Billy a measuring look.
"Why?"
"Well.." Teagan suddenly became very interested in mr. Miles' lecture about dust particles. "You're kind of a coward." This wasn't true at all, but Teagan figured it would do to get a rise out of Billy.
Billy was too outraged for words, and stomped his foot hard against the floor. A guy on the row in front of them turned around.
"Listen," he said, "it's very charming that you two have decided to have this little lover's spat in the middle of class, but if you don't shut up, I will shoot you." He gestured to the sniper rifle sticking out of his backpack. "Capiche?"
Both boys nodded fearfully. When the guy turned back, Teagan pointed to the sniper rifle and mouthed, "How has that not been confiscated?" Billy shrugged and shook his head, and mouthed back, "Nutcase." The guy shifted warningly, and neither of the boys dared to seek out the other one's eyes until class was over.
After class, Billy slammed his locker with a bit more force than necessary, and Teagan jogged up to him. "Seriously, though," Teagan said when he'd caught his breath, "what was up with you in class? You're usually all daring and shit."
"Yeah, well, it's not just my ass on the line now, is it?" Billy snapped and tried to push past Teagan.
"Is that what this is?" Teagan asked incredulously. "You're worried about me?"
Billy refused to answer, but when Teagan grabbed his arm, he stopped struggling to get away, instead putting all his efforts into avoiding Teagan's stare.
"How sweet," Teagan grinned, and it grew wider as Billy's ears turned pink, visible through his brown hair. He seemed to return to his senses, snatching his arm back and stalking away.
"I'm leaving tomorrow, whether you're coming with or not," Teagan called after him. "If you want to, be by the cow field tomorrow at 7 am."
After a moment's hesitation, he added: "It's going to be epic."
The next morning, Teagan was waiting by the herd of magic cows. One of them, a spotty one named Daisy VII, mooed as Teagan petted her. "Don't worry," Teagan reassured her, "he'll show." It was 7:45.
"Teagan!" Billy ran, panting, up to him. "I'm so sorry, you know my parents, they were--" He stopped, trying to catch his breath as he almost doubled over.
"Yeah," Teagan said. It was no secret the Pirate parents were a handful. "Don't worry about it."
"I'm glad you didn't leave," Billy said, smiling up at Teagan from where he was still doubled over.
"I wouldn't have," Teagan said, and hitched his backpack back on his shoulder in the awkward silence that followed. "Shall we go, then?"
Billy nodded, and they gossiped amiably about when Headless Nick and George the Golem had TPed their principal, a man so sophisticated some called him dandy.
After a few hours, Billy was drenched in sweat, and his bandana had retreated to his pocket after it'd become too wet to be of any use.
"Did you really," Billy said between inhales as they made their way up the steep mountain, "have no idea it was gonna get this hot today?"
"No, sorry," Teagan grunted as he climbed up a particularly large rock. He was barely sweating, Billy noted enviously.
"How do you know where this Flem lives, anyway?"
"Jake told me," Teagan said, concentrating fiercely on following the tricky path.
"Jake? Jake the snake?" Billy snorted. "Yeah, because that's such a trustworthy guy."
"Hey," Teagan said as he turned around to give Billy a warning stare. "Lay off him, alright? He gets enough of that as it is."
"Okay," Billy said, momentarily surprised. "Sorry, jeez."
Teagan nodded tightly, and they continued in silence.
They stood before a small house that looked to be made entirely out of polysterene and duct tape. The windows seemed to be empty of glass, and the whole thing appeared ready to collapse at any moment.
"This is it, I think," Teagan said to Billy.
Some crickets chirped unnecessarily loudly.
"You should go knock," Teagan said.
"You should go knock," Billy replied, "you're supposedly the big damn hero."
Teagan made a face, and Billy sighed. "Fine," he said, and hesitantly approached the precarious house. He was about to knock, but obviously thought better of it and yelled out instead, "Hello? Anybody home?"
There was a grunt and the sound of a dog barking. "Coming!" a hoarse man's voice answered, and true to his word, an old man smelling of chicken opened the door not too soon after. "What do you want?"
"Mr. Flem," Teagan said, who had moved to stand beside Billy, "I'm Teagan. I'm a hero."
The man they called Flem squinted at him. "Oh, really?"
Teagan nodded proudly.
Flem scratched the back of his head and looked befuddled. "Well, then I guess you better come in."
"I'm Billy, by the way," Billy said as they walked through the door and into Flem's odd house.
"So you've heard of Evil Dan?"
"Yes," Flem said, nodding sagely. Teagan had gotten over his momentary disappointment at seeing their mentor's appearance, and now sat enraptured by his words. Billy was decidedly less interested, and petted what seemed to be Flem's faithful hound, a Siberian Husky by the name of Sir Scratchewan.
"He is a mighty opponent," Flem continued, "but with the power of my teachings, he will be no match for you."
Teagan looked delighted. "What do we have to do?"
"First," Flem said, "you have to go out there and make a bear dance."
The boys waited a beat. "You're kidding," Billy said. Flem remained stonefaced, and Billy said fearfully, "you're not kidding. How are you not kidding? A bear?"
"There are ancient wisdoms written in the fluidity of the dance of the bears," said Flem.
"Bullsh--," Billy started, then saw the adoring look on Teagan's face. "--shounds good," he finished with an unconvincing thumbs up.
"Where do we start?" Teagan asked.
Flem waved a hand vaguely to the south of the house, which Teagan and Billy had first seen from the west. "You might encounter a fairy on your travels, but do not despair. The fae are a good people."
"A fairy?" Billy said later, as they fought their way through uncooperative vegetation. "That guy is seriously off his rocker. Fairies are extinct."
"They can't be, not if Mr. Flem said they still exist," Teagan replied automatically.
Billy paused. "Come on, you can't seriously expect me to believe everything that guy says."
"He's our mentor, appointed by fate," Teagan protested, "if we can't take his word for it, whose can we take?"
"No one!" Billy said angrily. "The whole point is that we don't take anyone's word for it, we find out for ourselves."
"I think you're just jealous," Teagan said shortly,
"Jealous? Of what, exactly?"
"I'm the hero," Teagan said again. Billy sighed irritably. "I'm the hero, and you're not, and that sucks for you."
"Doesn't make it any easier that you won't shut the hell up about it," Billy admitted, still sounding annoyed. Teagan gave him a weary smile.
"Well, you know--"
He was interrupted by a faint cackling sound that drew closer, accompanied by the flutter of small wings.
"Greetings, mortals!" Before Teagan and Billy was a small figurine with a discarded plastic tooth pick as a wand. Her wings were shaped like a butterfly's, black veins webbed the translucent skin drawn tightly over them. She wore a t-shirt that said "GET BENT," and a simple pair of cargo shorts.
"My name is Dorothy, Guardian of the Atel Forest, and you have fallen into my web!" The cackling resumed, while Teagan and Billy exchanged confused stares.
"Wait--" Billy said, before Teagan finished,
"you're the fairy?"
"That I am," Dorothy said proudly. "Last of my kind! It's an honor, really," she sounded as if she were still trying to convince herself, "and it doesn't get lonely or anythin'."
"Right," Billy nodded, and made it a two-syllable word.
"Anyway," Dorothy said, obviously making an effort to get back into her previously evil, cheerful state. "You're my prisoners now, so if you'd just kindly follow along?"
Teagan blinked, still starry-eyed from seeing his first fairy ever. "We'd love to," he said before Billy could up the snark, "but we're kind of on a mission, so?"
"Oh," Dorothy said, and her wings visibly drooped along with her mood. "Well, does this mission of yours hurt the woods?”
The boys exchanged a glance, and Teagan shook his head. “Not that we know of.”
“Okay, that's okay then. I'll just see you around." She started to fly away. Behind her back, Billy and Teagan were having a silent argument with lots of gestures. Dorothy's speed fell until she was practically carried by the faint gusts of air that went through the woods.
"Wait!" Teagan finally said, and Dorothy turned with a relieved smile. "You can come with us," he continued, "if you promise not to laugh like that again."
"Sure thing," Dorothy said, and was about to throw her head back for another cackle before she reeled herself back in and let out an uncertain chuckle.
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