Fanfiction- Glee: If You Ask Me How I'm Doing...
Title: If You Ask Me How I'm Doing...
Rating: PG-13
Length: 2,500ish
Pairing: Rachel/Santana
Summary: Santana's graduating but there is only one person she wishes were there.
Author's Note: Written for the fourth glee_rare_pairs exchange.
Santana’s re-adjusting her heels for something like the fifth time when she hears the muted sounds of music trickle through the halls signaling that they’re all about to start filing into the auditorium. The shoes are super cute and she looks fabulous in them, but she probably should have considered comfort when deciding on what to wear for graduation.
Too much standing and walking happening for impractical shoes.
The guy in front of her doesn’t look like he’s fairing much better as he locks his knees to straighten in anticipation so she leans forward and murmurs, “Your last name starts with L, it’s gonna be a while. Don’t give yourself a heart attack before they hand you the diploma.”
He relaxes, but the girl behind them shushes Santana vigorously enough to be more of a disruption herself. Moron, Santana thinks.
Apparently Santana should have thought about making friends in her program that fell near her alphabetically.
Whatever, too late now. So she ignores the pain in her feet and waits for the line’s movement to finally filter back to where she’s standing.
Mike’s sitting on the end of the row as she comes down the aisle. He points to his own cheesy grin, and she returns it with a near genuine smile so he can snap a couple pictures.
He blows her a kiss which earns him an eyeroll and then a laugh which Mike also feels the need to document. If they were walking any slower Mike could pull off a whole damn photo shoot.
The guy she saved from passing out earlier must think the same thing because he leans over once they sit down and whispers, “Got the paparazzi out for you, huh? I’m Ed by the way.”
“Santana,” She shakes the offered hand in front of her. “Sorry about the photo shoot. He can go a little overboard.”
Ed chuckles, “It was fine. Attentive boyfriend?”
“Uh, no,” Santana manages a small laugh despite the dull pang in her chest at the thought that Rachel should have been the one taking the pictures. “Friend. Parents couldn’t make it because of an anniversary cruise that they scheduled back when I was supposed to graduate in May. Screwed up final submission of my thesis. I told them to enjoy themselves and then promised not to screw up when I got the PhD.”
Santana leaves out the part about how it was because she couldn’t get it together after a surprisingly devastating breakup where’s she was lucky to have kept the photographer as a friend.
Mike’s never said anything, but Santana suspects the only reason she’s retained any substantial hold on their friendship after everything that went down was because Rachel had ordered him to make sure she’s ok. That and he’s too much of a nice guy to cast anyone to wind entirely, no matter how much they’ve screwed up.
Ed nods sympathetically even without being privy to her sob story. “Don’t have to explain it to me. Happens to the best of us. Had to push back my graduation date twice. I think my parents are just relieved I actually made it. So it’s a good thing you saved me from passing out back there.”
“I try to be of service,” Santana says.
The girl whose disdain could rival Sue Sylvester's dramatically clears her throat and decides to give them a bitch face for talking. She’s unprepared to get one in return, especially not one that Santana’s spent ten years perfecting. One glare and the girl backs down.
By the time the third speaker gets up, Santana’s had her fill of inspirational words that feel more like platitudes at this point. And though it’s one of the last things she wants to think about, her mind wanders to Rachel.
She doesn’t need much prodding to think about Rachel all these months later, so it isn’t really that surprising that talk of postponed graduation and eager photographers sends her over the edge.
She thinks about how they tentatively became roommates, begrudgingly became best friends, and anything but tentatively or begrudgingly became something more.
She remembers the stupid party Rachel couldn’t make it to not long after they decided to make whatever it was they were doing exclusive. She was supposed to meet Rachel at home after the late rehearsal, but instead she had too many shots and gotten reckless.
She had woken up the next day with a splitting headache, seven missed calls, and a face full of brown hair that definitely wasn’t Rachel’s.
They were too new, and Rachel still had too many insecurities about not being enough for Santana for them to survive it.
It didn’t help matters that Santana told Rachel she should have expected it - that maybe someone like her couldn’t change the way Rachel needed her too.
God, the last thing she needs is to be thinking about how she fucked things up with Rachel. Today’s supposed to be happy.
Bitch-face, as Santana has mentally named her, saves her from more self-loathing by giving her a not so gentle shove. “Our row’s up.”
Santana’s steady on her feet and manages to focus on the moment, the sense of accomplishment she should feel when she strides across the front of the auditorium and sees her advisor’s proud expression. For a blissful minute and a half, all thoughts of Rachel fade.
That is, until Santana sets foot on the stage. She knows she’s let herself go crazy because when her name is read in a distinctly American accent, all she can hear is hollering that sounds exactly like Rachel.
Maybe the shot of tequila with Mike before they left had been a bad idea.
Fortunately her feet carry her forward, but she forgets to bend down to allow her advisor to slip the hood over her head. Her professor looks up at her intently before finally tugging on the front of the graduation gown to counteract the height difference only made more extreme by Santana’s three inch heels.
The crowd chuckles at the exchange, and it manages to break Santana out of her own head. Her professor smirks at her, probably thinking that Santana wouldn’t miss the last chance to cause her grief.
She would be more upset to learn that it’s all because Santana still can’t get the girl out of her head who made her miss the deadlines the first time around .
Things get a little better when Santana comes down the stage steps and Mike is waiting for yet another photograph. He looks really proud of her and it finally makes her feel proud of herself.
She poses with the the fake diploma because like they would hand over the real thing on stage. She’d probably end up with Ed’s or bitch face’s anyway. Which come to think of it, would be pretty hilarious.
//
Santana’s scanning the crowd for Mike when she hears her name softly called from behind her. She knows immediately who it is, this time sure she’s not hearing things that aren’t really there.
It’s the first time she’s seen Rachel in months, and the girl is wearing Santana’s favorite dress. It’s the one she wore on their first real date. Santana wants to believe the gesture means something more than it probably does.
Now she’s relieved that she went with the nice heels.
“You came,” Santana hates how her voice catches a little.
“I did,” Rachel said. “Told you two years ago I would cheer you on when you walked across that stage. I couldn’t miss it.”
“I thought I could hear you,” Santana said. “Figured I was imagining it.”
“Promised to be the loudest, remember?” Rachel says.
Rachel doesn’t mean the words as an accusation. But that’s how they sound to Santana anyway, and she flinches at the thought of all the promises she’s broken.
“You have that projection thing going for you. Mike didn’t stand a chance,” Santana tries to joke.
Rachel essentially ignores the attempt at humor and instead pulls Santana into a hug that she can’t contain any longer.
“I’m so proud of you.” Rachel says with a painful sincerity that Santana’s grown to miss far too much.
Santana doesn’t say anything back because the truth, that Rachel’s words mean probably more than anyone else’s, is something she could never admit to aloud. Instead she just holds Rachel even tighter, and she’s pretty sure the message is sent anyways.
There’s a flood of relief that Rachel seems as reluctant as she is to stop the embrace. Maybe there’s hope for them yet.
The two of them don’t make any effort to move until Mike is heard clearing his throat next to them.
“Do you think I can get one of those hugs?” He asks, probably having stood there watching the two of them for quite some time before he interrupted.
“Sorry,” Rachel blushes sheepishly as she finally backs away to give Mike his turn.
He seems to know she’s on the edge emotionally because his embrace is tight but brief. “I got some really good shots for your parents. You’re only scowling at me in five of them.”
“They’ll know those are the real ones anyway,” Rachel chimes in, and she and Mike exchange laughs and a high five.
Santana punches Mike in the shoulder. “Asshat. You’re supposed to be nice to me today.”
“I’m always nice to you, and you would be sad if Rachel and I didn’t gang up on you. That’s how we work,” Mike says.
Rachel nods vigorously in agreement. Santana makes a show of rolling her eyes, but it feels good to have the three of them joking around again.
“So Mike’s insisting on doing some celebratory lunch shit if you want to join,” Santana offers, trying to cover her hopefulness with nonchalance. She must do a terrible job because Rachel’s face softens discerningly.
Damn that girl for knowing her so well.
“I would love to,” Rachel says.
Mike pulls both of them into of his sides and squeezes them affectionately. “Then what are we hanging around here for?”
//
Rachel heads with them to Mike’s car because she took the subway to the graduation venue. Santana and Mike had considered doing the same this morning, but figured for something this important they should better play it safe and take the car.
Mike gives Santana’s hand a quick squeeze before striding ahead of the two girls to give them some more time to talk on the trek to the car.
It’s a gesture that shouldn’t surprise Santana, but it somehow pushes her to the brink. God, she doesn’t know why her emotions feel so out of control.
Santana fleeting wishes she were in pants or she’d gone with a dress with pockets because right now, walking leisurely back to the car with Rachel at her side, all she wants to do is take her hand in her own.
Rachel looks comfortable with the silence, even though Santana is anything but. She has so many questions.
“I need to know what this is,” Santana breathes out.
Rachel’s stride slows, and she furrows her brow while she looks to process what Santana’s said.
“I mean is this only today, or are we back to being friends, or are we...?” Santana can’t voice what she really wants. “I just need to know.”
Rachel stops completely and pulls Santana’s hands into her own, forcing eye contact. “I could never do just today, Santana. I miss you. You were my best friend.”
The past tense reference feels like a kick to the gut, but it’s valid. Rachel doesn’t mean it in any other sense than the reality of the situation. You can’t have a best friend that you don’t talk to for months even though you live only ten minutes away.
“I realize I’ve said it so many times, but I’m sorry, Rachel. It was my stupid mistake, and I should have never have put any of the blame on you by saying you should have known that I would do something like that. None of it was fair, and I’m sorry,” It’s the first time she looks Rachel in the eye when she apologises and suddenly it feels like it actually counts this time.
Rachel doesn’t say anything at first, but just hugs Santana. She’s about to apologise again when Rachel talks into her hair, “I’m sorry too, and I forgive you. Everything isn’t fixed, but I forgive you - so no more apologies ok? This is your day.”
Santana nods fiercely. It feels like she can breathe again and along with it comes a rush of things she needs to say.
“I know I said that I couldn’t change, but I think I can. For you I could... I mean I haven’t been with anyone since...” Santana fumbles over her words until Rachel pulls back and shushes her.
“I know. Mike’s told me. Santana, I don’t need to you to be this perfect person. Yes I expect some level of fidelity if we’re to try this again, but I don’t want you to be anyone but yourself,” Rachel says.
“Try this again? You really want to give things another shot?” Santana’s dumbfounded. It seems too good to be true. Maybe the words just slipped out of Rachel’s mouth.
Rachel nods. “I do. I think maybe this time we can both go in with eyes a little more open? I won’t be so insecure and you...”
“Won’t be a complete jackass?” Santana supplies because even though she’s apologised it’s still how she feels and it’s oddly relieving to admit it to Rachel.
“No, you were never a that,” Rachel softly returns. “Mostly you were sweet, even if it was a little abrasive at times, and maybe that... scared you?”
“Yeah,” Santana agrees. “I’ll try not to be scared this time.”
“Do I need to go get the car and circle the block a few times to give you guys a chance to sort things out?” Mike shouts from the respectable distance he’s keeping.
Santana looks to Rachel for confirmation, who smiles bashfully with a small shake of her head. “No, things are good here. We’re good,” Santana emphasizes.
Santana holds out her hand for Rachel to take, but she doesn’t take it to catch up with Mike. Instead she’s looking at Santana with a tiny smirk and sparkling eyes.
“At least now I can give you a proper congratulations,” Rachel says, and before Santana can even react, she’s leaning in and giving Santana soft kiss. “You’re awesome, and you deserve this. Now let’s go celebrate.”
“Yes, I’ve waited too long to watch fight over who’s going to pay the bill again. It will be like birthday celebrations all over again,” Santana just takes Rachel’s hand in hers, giving it a little squeeze.
“Already think I’m going to pay, huh? I think we may need to lay down a few ground rules for this relationship. A girl likes to be wooed,” Rachel laughs.
“I think I could do that,” Santana says.
“Then let the wooing commence,” Rachel says.
Rating: PG-13
Length: 2,500ish
Pairing: Rachel/Santana
Summary: Santana's graduating but there is only one person she wishes were there.
Author's Note: Written for the fourth glee_rare_pairs exchange.
Santana’s re-adjusting her heels for something like the fifth time when she hears the muted sounds of music trickle through the halls signaling that they’re all about to start filing into the auditorium. The shoes are super cute and she looks fabulous in them, but she probably should have considered comfort when deciding on what to wear for graduation.
Too much standing and walking happening for impractical shoes.
The guy in front of her doesn’t look like he’s fairing much better as he locks his knees to straighten in anticipation so she leans forward and murmurs, “Your last name starts with L, it’s gonna be a while. Don’t give yourself a heart attack before they hand you the diploma.”
He relaxes, but the girl behind them shushes Santana vigorously enough to be more of a disruption herself. Moron, Santana thinks.
Apparently Santana should have thought about making friends in her program that fell near her alphabetically.
Whatever, too late now. So she ignores the pain in her feet and waits for the line’s movement to finally filter back to where she’s standing.
Mike’s sitting on the end of the row as she comes down the aisle. He points to his own cheesy grin, and she returns it with a near genuine smile so he can snap a couple pictures.
He blows her a kiss which earns him an eyeroll and then a laugh which Mike also feels the need to document. If they were walking any slower Mike could pull off a whole damn photo shoot.
The guy she saved from passing out earlier must think the same thing because he leans over once they sit down and whispers, “Got the paparazzi out for you, huh? I’m Ed by the way.”
“Santana,” She shakes the offered hand in front of her. “Sorry about the photo shoot. He can go a little overboard.”
Ed chuckles, “It was fine. Attentive boyfriend?”
“Uh, no,” Santana manages a small laugh despite the dull pang in her chest at the thought that Rachel should have been the one taking the pictures. “Friend. Parents couldn’t make it because of an anniversary cruise that they scheduled back when I was supposed to graduate in May. Screwed up final submission of my thesis. I told them to enjoy themselves and then promised not to screw up when I got the PhD.”
Santana leaves out the part about how it was because she couldn’t get it together after a surprisingly devastating breakup where’s she was lucky to have kept the photographer as a friend.
Mike’s never said anything, but Santana suspects the only reason she’s retained any substantial hold on their friendship after everything that went down was because Rachel had ordered him to make sure she’s ok. That and he’s too much of a nice guy to cast anyone to wind entirely, no matter how much they’ve screwed up.
Ed nods sympathetically even without being privy to her sob story. “Don’t have to explain it to me. Happens to the best of us. Had to push back my graduation date twice. I think my parents are just relieved I actually made it. So it’s a good thing you saved me from passing out back there.”
“I try to be of service,” Santana says.
The girl whose disdain could rival Sue Sylvester's dramatically clears her throat and decides to give them a bitch face for talking. She’s unprepared to get one in return, especially not one that Santana’s spent ten years perfecting. One glare and the girl backs down.
By the time the third speaker gets up, Santana’s had her fill of inspirational words that feel more like platitudes at this point. And though it’s one of the last things she wants to think about, her mind wanders to Rachel.
She doesn’t need much prodding to think about Rachel all these months later, so it isn’t really that surprising that talk of postponed graduation and eager photographers sends her over the edge.
She thinks about how they tentatively became roommates, begrudgingly became best friends, and anything but tentatively or begrudgingly became something more.
She remembers the stupid party Rachel couldn’t make it to not long after they decided to make whatever it was they were doing exclusive. She was supposed to meet Rachel at home after the late rehearsal, but instead she had too many shots and gotten reckless.
She had woken up the next day with a splitting headache, seven missed calls, and a face full of brown hair that definitely wasn’t Rachel’s.
They were too new, and Rachel still had too many insecurities about not being enough for Santana for them to survive it.
It didn’t help matters that Santana told Rachel she should have expected it - that maybe someone like her couldn’t change the way Rachel needed her too.
God, the last thing she needs is to be thinking about how she fucked things up with Rachel. Today’s supposed to be happy.
Bitch-face, as Santana has mentally named her, saves her from more self-loathing by giving her a not so gentle shove. “Our row’s up.”
Santana’s steady on her feet and manages to focus on the moment, the sense of accomplishment she should feel when she strides across the front of the auditorium and sees her advisor’s proud expression. For a blissful minute and a half, all thoughts of Rachel fade.
That is, until Santana sets foot on the stage. She knows she’s let herself go crazy because when her name is read in a distinctly American accent, all she can hear is hollering that sounds exactly like Rachel.
Maybe the shot of tequila with Mike before they left had been a bad idea.
Fortunately her feet carry her forward, but she forgets to bend down to allow her advisor to slip the hood over her head. Her professor looks up at her intently before finally tugging on the front of the graduation gown to counteract the height difference only made more extreme by Santana’s three inch heels.
The crowd chuckles at the exchange, and it manages to break Santana out of her own head. Her professor smirks at her, probably thinking that Santana wouldn’t miss the last chance to cause her grief.
She would be more upset to learn that it’s all because Santana still can’t get the girl out of her head who made her miss the deadlines the first time around .
Things get a little better when Santana comes down the stage steps and Mike is waiting for yet another photograph. He looks really proud of her and it finally makes her feel proud of herself.
She poses with the the fake diploma because like they would hand over the real thing on stage. She’d probably end up with Ed’s or bitch face’s anyway. Which come to think of it, would be pretty hilarious.
//
Santana’s scanning the crowd for Mike when she hears her name softly called from behind her. She knows immediately who it is, this time sure she’s not hearing things that aren’t really there.
It’s the first time she’s seen Rachel in months, and the girl is wearing Santana’s favorite dress. It’s the one she wore on their first real date. Santana wants to believe the gesture means something more than it probably does.
Now she’s relieved that she went with the nice heels.
“You came,” Santana hates how her voice catches a little.
“I did,” Rachel said. “Told you two years ago I would cheer you on when you walked across that stage. I couldn’t miss it.”
“I thought I could hear you,” Santana said. “Figured I was imagining it.”
“Promised to be the loudest, remember?” Rachel says.
Rachel doesn’t mean the words as an accusation. But that’s how they sound to Santana anyway, and she flinches at the thought of all the promises she’s broken.
“You have that projection thing going for you. Mike didn’t stand a chance,” Santana tries to joke.
Rachel essentially ignores the attempt at humor and instead pulls Santana into a hug that she can’t contain any longer.
“I’m so proud of you.” Rachel says with a painful sincerity that Santana’s grown to miss far too much.
Santana doesn’t say anything back because the truth, that Rachel’s words mean probably more than anyone else’s, is something she could never admit to aloud. Instead she just holds Rachel even tighter, and she’s pretty sure the message is sent anyways.
There’s a flood of relief that Rachel seems as reluctant as she is to stop the embrace. Maybe there’s hope for them yet.
The two of them don’t make any effort to move until Mike is heard clearing his throat next to them.
“Do you think I can get one of those hugs?” He asks, probably having stood there watching the two of them for quite some time before he interrupted.
“Sorry,” Rachel blushes sheepishly as she finally backs away to give Mike his turn.
He seems to know she’s on the edge emotionally because his embrace is tight but brief. “I got some really good shots for your parents. You’re only scowling at me in five of them.”
“They’ll know those are the real ones anyway,” Rachel chimes in, and she and Mike exchange laughs and a high five.
Santana punches Mike in the shoulder. “Asshat. You’re supposed to be nice to me today.”
“I’m always nice to you, and you would be sad if Rachel and I didn’t gang up on you. That’s how we work,” Mike says.
Rachel nods vigorously in agreement. Santana makes a show of rolling her eyes, but it feels good to have the three of them joking around again.
“So Mike’s insisting on doing some celebratory lunch shit if you want to join,” Santana offers, trying to cover her hopefulness with nonchalance. She must do a terrible job because Rachel’s face softens discerningly.
Damn that girl for knowing her so well.
“I would love to,” Rachel says.
Mike pulls both of them into of his sides and squeezes them affectionately. “Then what are we hanging around here for?”
//
Rachel heads with them to Mike’s car because she took the subway to the graduation venue. Santana and Mike had considered doing the same this morning, but figured for something this important they should better play it safe and take the car.
Mike gives Santana’s hand a quick squeeze before striding ahead of the two girls to give them some more time to talk on the trek to the car.
It’s a gesture that shouldn’t surprise Santana, but it somehow pushes her to the brink. God, she doesn’t know why her emotions feel so out of control.
Santana fleeting wishes she were in pants or she’d gone with a dress with pockets because right now, walking leisurely back to the car with Rachel at her side, all she wants to do is take her hand in her own.
Rachel looks comfortable with the silence, even though Santana is anything but. She has so many questions.
“I need to know what this is,” Santana breathes out.
Rachel’s stride slows, and she furrows her brow while she looks to process what Santana’s said.
“I mean is this only today, or are we back to being friends, or are we...?” Santana can’t voice what she really wants. “I just need to know.”
Rachel stops completely and pulls Santana’s hands into her own, forcing eye contact. “I could never do just today, Santana. I miss you. You were my best friend.”
The past tense reference feels like a kick to the gut, but it’s valid. Rachel doesn’t mean it in any other sense than the reality of the situation. You can’t have a best friend that you don’t talk to for months even though you live only ten minutes away.
“I realize I’ve said it so many times, but I’m sorry, Rachel. It was my stupid mistake, and I should have never have put any of the blame on you by saying you should have known that I would do something like that. None of it was fair, and I’m sorry,” It’s the first time she looks Rachel in the eye when she apologises and suddenly it feels like it actually counts this time.
Rachel doesn’t say anything at first, but just hugs Santana. She’s about to apologise again when Rachel talks into her hair, “I’m sorry too, and I forgive you. Everything isn’t fixed, but I forgive you - so no more apologies ok? This is your day.”
Santana nods fiercely. It feels like she can breathe again and along with it comes a rush of things she needs to say.
“I know I said that I couldn’t change, but I think I can. For you I could... I mean I haven’t been with anyone since...” Santana fumbles over her words until Rachel pulls back and shushes her.
“I know. Mike’s told me. Santana, I don’t need to you to be this perfect person. Yes I expect some level of fidelity if we’re to try this again, but I don’t want you to be anyone but yourself,” Rachel says.
“Try this again? You really want to give things another shot?” Santana’s dumbfounded. It seems too good to be true. Maybe the words just slipped out of Rachel’s mouth.
Rachel nods. “I do. I think maybe this time we can both go in with eyes a little more open? I won’t be so insecure and you...”
“Won’t be a complete jackass?” Santana supplies because even though she’s apologised it’s still how she feels and it’s oddly relieving to admit it to Rachel.
“No, you were never a that,” Rachel softly returns. “Mostly you were sweet, even if it was a little abrasive at times, and maybe that... scared you?”
“Yeah,” Santana agrees. “I’ll try not to be scared this time.”
“Do I need to go get the car and circle the block a few times to give you guys a chance to sort things out?” Mike shouts from the respectable distance he’s keeping.
Santana looks to Rachel for confirmation, who smiles bashfully with a small shake of her head. “No, things are good here. We’re good,” Santana emphasizes.
Santana holds out her hand for Rachel to take, but she doesn’t take it to catch up with Mike. Instead she’s looking at Santana with a tiny smirk and sparkling eyes.
“At least now I can give you a proper congratulations,” Rachel says, and before Santana can even react, she’s leaning in and giving Santana soft kiss. “You’re awesome, and you deserve this. Now let’s go celebrate.”
“Yes, I’ve waited too long to watch fight over who’s going to pay the bill again. It will be like birthday celebrations all over again,” Santana just takes Rachel’s hand in hers, giving it a little squeeze.
“Already think I’m going to pay, huh? I think we may need to lay down a few ground rules for this relationship. A girl likes to be wooed,” Rachel laughs.
“I think I could do that,” Santana says.
“Then let the wooing commence,” Rachel says.