On ilussions, hallucinations, lines and reality
Title: On illusion, hallucinations, lines and reality
Pairing: Donghae/Hyukjae
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Length: One-shot
Summary: Donghae only asks one thing of Hyukjae and ends up wanting so much more.
A/N: So I haven't been writing or reading much lately but I was able to write this in one sitting. This fic is not really a song fic but it is inspired by a song, so its a semi song fic(is that a genre?) loosely based on the song. I wrote this listening to "Alucinado" (in English 'stunned') by the Italian singer Tiziano Ferro. I was going to put the lyrics translated to English, but the song looses its meaning, so I didn't. Hopefully you guys like this.
On illusions, hallucinations, lines and reality
His fingers trace soft patterns, swirls ghosting over smooth skin. A car driving by the window casts a shadow across the room, illuminating the sleeping figure who stirs slightly, something close to a whimper shaped from his parted lips and the hand stops. A soft sigh exhaled and the person stills. He sighs, removes his hand from the other’s shoulder and rolls onto his back, stares at the ceiling. He thinks about leaving, it’s close to five in the morning; a few hours before he usually leaves but it’s not like the other would notice or care. He blames the fact that he’s tired but he knows that isn’t the reason he can’t bring himself to leave this bed.
“Hyukjae” a gummy smile and fiery red hair and Donghae’s sure he knows who he wants to go home with tonight.
“Donghae” he introduces himself, his interest clearly written in his eyes.
The smile grows just that bit and Donghae knows the interest is welcomed. Hyukjae gestures to the crowded floor with his shoulder “Do you dance?”
He bites his lip in that way he knows makes people swoon “I have some moves.”
The red head laughs and leads them to the center of the dancing bodies “Let’s see what you can do, then.” And he shows him, well into the night.
“Hey” his voice is always hoarse in the morning, especially after a particularly rough night. Not that he ever complains. He seems to not like taking things slow or gently, so Donghae doesn’t.
His eyes blink open and he finds him sitting by his side. Head tilted in confusion, the white t-shirt he’s wearing falling off his shoulder, the morning sun bathing him in light and Donghae wants to press his lips to the exposed skin but doesn’t.
“You’re still here” Hyukjae points out bluntly and to Donghae it’s like getting kicked in the gut.
The clock tells him its past nine. He’s never here after seven.
He sits up in the bed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, grabs his shirt from off the floor. “Shit” he gets out of the bed searching for his boxers. “I’m sorry, I guess I’m just tired and fell asleep.”
“No need to apologize” Hyukjae says calmly crossing his legs underneath his body and shrugging. “I was just saying. Don’t you have work by now?”
“Yes and I’m late” he mutters not sparing him a second glance and after recuperating the rest of his clothes walks into the bathroom to hastily clean up and get dressed. The warm water on his body momentarily washing the feeling of being subtly kicked out.
Quick short breaths, chests heaving trying to regain enough air into their lungs to breath properly again. Hyukjae’s hair is sweaty and sticky on his stomach and he’s lying sideways on the bed, the sheets barely covering his hip. Donghae kind of wants to shove him off, his drenched hair giving him goose bumps in the cold air, but Hyukjae just did do most of the work so he lets him be.
They’ve been at this for a few weeks now and Donghae likes how Hyukjae responds to his body so naturally so they have a sort of agreement. It’s like friends with benefits without the friends part, their interests lying solely in what the other can give him.
They have an unspoken understanding but Donghae likes making things clear so after they’re both calm he says “You get what we’re doing right?”
Hyukjae rolls his head to look at him, eyebrow raised, and Donghae elaborates “I mean this. Us, it’s-”
The smile the other gives before interrupting him is more like a smirk. “Don’t worry.” He props himself up on his elbow “I know you only want me for my body.”
Donghae smirks grabbing him by the waist pulling him further up the bed, until they’re chest against chest. “And that’s the exact same reason you want me.”
“Guilty as charged” he pushes the sweaty hair off his forehead, laughter in his eyes. “Why do you ask? Afraid I’ll fall in love with you?” he asks mockingly and Donghae rolls his eyes and pushes him on his back against the mattress.
“Not a chance.” He’s confident in his answer because from what he’s observed of the other he knows it’s highly unlikely. The main reason he’s still in his bed.
The air smells of freshly brewed coffee once he steps out of the bathroom and he follows the aroma like in a trance, its enticing smell calling his name.
“Coffee” he says under his breath but Hyukjae hears it and laughs as he takes out the sugar.
“The least I can do. After all, it’s my fault you’re late for work” he pours three spoonfuls of sugar in one mug, one into the other, pauses. Looks at Donghae unsure over his shoulder “Two or three?”
“Two” he answers going over to the fridge and taking out the cream.
Hyukjae furrows his brows when he places it next to him. “I thought you took your coffee black?”
“I do” a shrug “you don’t.”
They drink in silence, an almost awkward air hangs between them, neither knowing what to say. Donghae downs his coffee as quickly as possible, swallowing the words that want to push forward along with the black liquid. He rinses his mug quickly and bolts for the door throwing a short “Bye”
“Hold on a second” Hyukjae grabs him by the jacket covered arm. Concern on his face, “Are you” he stops, studying him and possibly wondering if he should ask “Are you okay?
Donghae feels his worry, but tells himself it’s not real. Hyukjae naturally worries over everyone and everything. Donghae isn’t special or different and he wishes Hyukjae wasn’t like this. Didn’t unknowingly give him something to dream off of.
“You’re acting really strange.” Hyukjae pushes further, placing his hand on Donghae’s cheek.
He knows it. Knows the why. But he can’t possibly tell Hyukjae why. He can try. He has tried. But there is always something, a nagging voice in his head convinces him otherwise.
“I’m fine. Just late” his voice is assuring but someone who knows him better, who actually pays attention to the influx in his voice, would have noticed the lie. Hyukjae isn’t that someone.
“Okay” he grabs the back of his head and pulls him in for a kiss, fast and hard, yet somehow sweet. But maybe it just seems that way. “Call me” he says when he pulls away and Donghae half nods and leaves.
He slips in, a little before, a little past midnight, stays the few hours it takes to satisfy them both, slips out just as quietly as he came. They both like it that way, both adjust to how they’re almost a ghostly presence in the other’s life. Appearances before dawn, they catch themselves wondering if the presence is actually there or merely something the imagination creates. Ghosts don’t exist. So it’s as if they don’t exist.
He’s always heard that keeping things in is bad. Feelings, thoughts. They build up until they become so much you just simply explode.
Donghae doesn’t explode. Doesn’t feel the need to say, do, or manifest anything.
He chuckles to himself, the lady next to him in the elevator inching away slowly, looking at him like he’s insane. That only makes him chuckle louder because he probably is. The elevator dings and they get off, the poor woman scurrying off into her apartment, the loud sound of the locks turning sharply.
Sometimes, he tells himself that nothing has changed. That it’s still exactly the same as it was a few months ago and that when it ends -because it will end, it always ends, it has to- he’ll feel absolutely nothing. He’s got himself half convinced as he knocks on the door, two swift pounds against wood.
But then the door swings open revealing fiery red hair, a gummy smile and everything Donghae wants but can’t have. Can’t have it because he wanted it that way. He steps in and an old saying comes to him. Something about making your bed and sleeping in it.
He never grasped the meaning until recently.
“Donghae” Hyukjae’s voice calls for him and he splashes water on his face. “You plan on drowning in there?”
He wipes his face with a towel and sighs staring at himself. “Give me a sec”
“Well hurry up. I want you once more before you go.”
He’s not even gone and Hyukjae’s already thinking about him leaving. He brushes his hair, running fingers through it, pulling at it slightly. He feels it.
Feels that subtlety in change in his own actions. The way he touches him. Talks to him. Looks at him. He’s watching it happen and knowing he should stop it now, he doesn’t.
He leans against the door frame of the bathroom and watches him.
A playful, almost child like smile on his lips, leaning against the head board beckoning him over with his index finger, crooking it towards him. Donghae shakes his head, folds his arms across his chest acting bored, when in reality he has to contain himself from jumping the other. It’s a game they play. Waiting to see who gives in first. It gives Hyukjae the chance to have his bit of dominance. Gives Donghae the chance to keep control. If he can control them, he can control how he feels about them.
This time it’s Hyukjae who gives in, getting off the bed and sauntering over to him, wearing Donghae’s underwear. It’s a habit he has. Pulling on his underwear after they’ve had sex. He wants to ask why. Ask if it means anything. Knowing it probably doesn’t, he rather not. But he likes pretending it does.
“You’re here a little early.”
He takes off his jacket, throwing it over the back of a chair. “I have to go in early tomorrow.”
Hyukjae shrugs. “I don’t mind” he heads towards the kitchen and opens the fridge. “Want a drink?”
From behind him, Donghae closes the fridge door, spinning him around, pins him against it. Hyukjae widens his eyes in surprise, breath hitching at the look in Donghae’s eyes, accepts the kiss he gives him willingly, eagerly. It’s a mess of lips and tongues and unsaid words that are felt and never uttered.
Sex is nothing but attitude. It’s not what you say during it. The whispered words, false promises, declarations of love and claims of the opposite; they mean nothing. It’s what you put into it. How much you give of yourself. How much you take. How much you hold back. How much you don’t give. That’s where the line is. The fine line between mindless fucking and making love.
He holds Hyukjae a little tighter. Digs his fingers a little harsher. Kisses him a little rougher. Runs his fingers through his hair a little more forceful. Takes him a little harder. It doesn’t change what it means to him. It doesn’t change what it means to Hyukjae.
What changed? He doesn’t know. He ponders over it, hearing the water running from the faucet, Hyukjae’s voice soft and low to whoever he’s speaking to over the phone. Was it Hyukjae who changed or himself? He isn’t sure if there even was a change. What he is sure of is he shouldn’t be wanting what he wants. They had an agreement. His idea, his rules. He can’t be the one to change the rules of the game so late into it.
The water turns off and he rolls onto his side, facing away from the bathroom. He hears the door close, the phone being dropped and Hyukjae giving an exasperated sigh.
“My mother is such a pain” the bed dips underneath his weight, albeit a light one, and he crawls over to Donghae. Forcing him on his back again so he can straddle his waist and sit atop him, look down at him. He likes doing this. Looking down at Donghae. Both literally and metaphorically.
“Please tell me your mother is a bitch at times as well” he runs his hands up his chest, leans forward a little. “It’ll make me feel better.”
Donghae can’t help it and smiles. “Quite the opposite really.”
He sticks his tongue out at him and dips his head to leave a mark on his neck. “I’d kick you out of here if you weren’t so good in bed.”
Donghae laughs, running his hands up and down his legs. Hyukjae bites him a little more intently and Donghae sits up. He trails a finger over Hyukjae’s spine, slowly going every dip and space, feels Hyukjae shiver against him, hears his moan when he whispers “I can do something else that’ll make you feel better.”
Hyukjae can’t give him what he really wants. Donghae can make the both of them feel better. It makes it all seem fair somehow.
It slips out. Without him even being conscious of it, too caught up in it all to realize it. He thinks he faintly hears his voice say it but tacks it off to his imagination. But the way Hyukjae’s eyes are widened, eyebrows impossibly raised, mouth agape, he knows he didn’t imagine it. He confirms it when “W-what did you say?” is uttered and he knows that that didn’t come out of his mouth.
It’s a lot of things. Little things he doesn’t realize that leave a mark on him. The way Hyukjae’s hands feel on his body. The way he breathes out his name. The way he rests his head on his shoulder. The way his body fits perfectly along the contours of his body, perfectly like he was made to fit there. The way his face lights up when he smiles and the way he hides his face in the crook of Donghae’s neck when he’s embarrassed. The way he leans on his elbows on Donghae’s chest, swinging his feet in the air as he talks about this and that, to which in the beginning Donghae pays only half attention to and ends up etched in his memory.
And at the same time, it’s nothing in particular. It’s nothing at all. It is because it is. It is because it’s Hyukjae.
He thinks about lying. Inventing something and make them both forget he ever said anything. But how can he? Can he really keep this up? Having Hyukjae and not having him. The words said now, in the air between them a pause. Even though he didn’t mean to say them, it is like a weight has been lifted off of him.
“I-” he cuts himself off and Hyukjae’s eyes open wider. Donghae looks at him a few seconds, carefully pulls out of him and rolls off of him, sitting on the bed. Hyukjae quickly sits up as well.
“I'm in love with you”
Five seconds, a few heartbeats later and finally he speaks, disbelief in his voice and face. “You’re joking right?” and Donghae feels like a part of him has just slammed into the pit of his stomach. Like he expected. “It was just a caught up in the moment thing right? You don’t mean it. You’re kidding.”
He smiles sadly wishing that it were. For both their sakes. “It’s not a joke” He gets up after a few moments and grabbing his clothes, goes to shower leaving a stunned Hyukjae on his bed.
When he goes back into the room, he finds Hyukjae gone and he feels relieved, not wanting to deal with anything at the moment. He runs out of luck when he reaches the living room. Hyukjae gets up off the couch something akin to anger on his face.
“You’re the one who said it was just sex. That it meant nothing.” He’s close to yelling, almost shaking and Donghae feels guilty, never having seen Hyukjae this way with such a fragile grip on his emotions. But it’s nice to see Hyukjae actually feel something, even if it is anger. “We agreed. You can’t just try and change things now.”
“I know” he says calmly, sincerely “And I’m not trying to change anything but I can’t control how I feel.” He can’t. He tried and failed.
Raking a hand through his hair, he lets out a shaky breath. “I don’t-” he pauses and shakes his head. “I don’t know what to do with this.”
Donghae tilts his head, his eyes compassionate. “You don’t have to do anything.” He stands in front of him and the look in Hyukjae’s eyes is that of being lost. “I wasn’t even going to tell you. But things happen” he shrugs, inhaling simultaneously, to breath air, not Hyukjae’s scent.
Hyukjae’s eyes come into focus, realization hitting him “It’s over isn’t it?”
Donghae nods and it hurts.
Eyes turn to something that’s similar to sympathy and he says. “I’m sorry.”
Sorry for what? Donghae wonders. Sorry Donghae loves him? For not loving him back? This isn’t how Donghae pictured it and he doesn’t want to leave Hyukjae on bad terms.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about” his voice is comforting, because this is not Hyukjae’s fault. Donghae has no one to blame except himself. “I wouldn’t change anything about the time we’ve had together.” He grabs his face, in between his hands, feeling his skin for just one last time. He leans his face upwards towards his “You shouldn’t want to either.”
Hyukjae shakes his head “I don’t” he says softly and their lips meet.
It’s different. It’s soft and warm at the same time it’s cool, the feel of his lips on his. He closes his eyes after Hyukjae’s eyelids flutter closed gracefully. He doesn’t know how long it lasts. All he knows is he engraves the moment into his memory. Memorizes the way Hyukjae tastes, the way he wraps his hands around his neck, the way he let him kiss him the way he has always wanted to; softly, gently, letting him feel for once how he really feels about him.
It’s kind of appropriate for a goodbye. You can drop the façade after the game is over.
“I didn’t turn into a girl, you know”
“What does that mean?” he asks puzzled.
Hyukjae rolls his eyes and raising himself, kisses him pulling away after a few seconds. “That. You’re kissing me as if you think I might break in half.”
Donghae drops his gaze to his neck, lowering his head to kiss it afterwards. “I didn’t notice” he mumbles against his skin.
Beneath him, Hyukjae squirms and lifts his face from his neck and pulls him until their lips graze. “Don’t get all soft on me now” he brushes their lips together “kiss me” he asks and just as Donghae’s about to, he stops him “I mean really kiss me.”
And he does. So harshly and deeply he almost busts his lower lip open, the faint taste of blood on Donghae’s tongue. It’s passionate, without doubt. Donghae never knew there could be passion without feeling. And then he remembers there is feeling. It’s only that it’s one sided.
The days grow colder as they grow longer, summer that turned into autumn slowly turning into winter. The seasons change and yet Donghae doesn’t. Living sort of an imitation of life, as if all this is a hallucination. He likes telling himself it’s not real. That he imagined everything and that he never met a red head with a smile that kills and breathes life all at once. But when he lies in bed at night he sees that smile in his mind, sees it lying next to him, sees it when he wakes up in the morning. It haunts him.
He buries his hands deeper into his pockets wishing he’d remembered to grab gloves. But he’s late and in a hurry so his hands will just have to freeze.
It's worth having icicles for extremities than have his best friend killing him for being late to his boyfriend’s birthday party. He honestly doesn’t want to go, but Kyuhyun had insisted he needed to get out of the house for something other than work and occasionally get drunk.
He arrives at the modernly furnished room. Lights low and soothing. An orangish head of hair and long legs point out to where the birthday boy is and knowing it’s both polite to greet him first and that most likely Kyuhyun is there, he heads in that direction.
“Congratulations, Zhoumi”
Zhoumi smiles and hugs him, takes a step back to look at him. “Long time no see, stranger. You look good”
He returns the smile, feeling the genuineness that is Zhoumi. “It’s all for you, Mi. You don’t look half bad yourself”
“Could you two stop flirting” someone snaps coming to stand next to them. “You haven’t been here even two seconds and you know it makes me jealous.”
“It’s nice to see you Kyu” he smiles to his friend who looks annoyed but also relieved he actually came.
“Can’t say the same” he clasps a hand on his shoulder. “”You look like crap” in Kyuhyun speak it means he’s glad to see him.
He talks with them for a while, eventually wandering around the room, seeing people he hasn’t seen in a while and some he never has before.
Admiring the paintings on the walls, he bumps into someone and winces when he notices it’s a waiter.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you.” He helps the man up, grabbing his arm and hauling him up on his feet, bends down to pick up the fallen tray.
“Donghae”
His head snaps up so quickly he probably hurt his neck, astonished at how funny life can be. He hasn’t seen him since that day and it had to happen the one night he decides to go out. Like life has been waiting to play some joke on him.
“How have you been?” Hyukjae asks, surprised and Donghae wonders if he really cares. It’s the typical question to ask. How have you been? How are you?
“Good” he answers, then adds as an afterthought “You?”
He takes the tray from Donghae’s hands, their fingers brushing almost “I’ve been better” throws a quick humorless laugh.
“What are you doing here?” Donghae asks after a few seconds of just standing there. “Are you a friend of Zhoumi’s?”
“No” he shakes his head, hair black and opaque now making Donghae feel a small pang of loss. Hair is just hair, but he likes thinking of Hyukjae as the one with his head on fire. “My catering company is doing this party. One of my waiters got sick so I’m going back to where I started.” Donghae remembers. How he went from serving creampuffs and champagne to being the one to decide where, how and how many should be served.
“Well, it was uhhh nice seeing you” it’s a lie obviously and they both know it.
Hyukjae nods quickly, knuckles white from the force with which he holds the tray. “Of course. Uhhh you too. Enjoy the food.”
Donghae gives him a stiff smile and turns in the other direction.
He doesn’t see Hyukjae stand there; his eyes following his retreating back. Doesn’t see the emotion concealed in his eyes. Doesn’t see the shaky breath he takes. Doesn’t see how he watches him for most of the night.
If it doesn’t hurt maybe it wasn’t love after all. People would maybe think its better that way. But if it was never love, all that pain was for nothing. Is that what’s preferred? Better to have wasted time on something that meant nothing than to have actually felt something even if the end you got hurt?
Donghae thinks that know that it’s ended, he’ll get over it. The feeling of being in love will eventually fade. It’s strange, but it doesn’t. It grows with each day. The feeling of hallucinating, of being hallucinated by someone who no longer exists. No longer exists for him at least. He speaks little to nothing. Uttering only the necessary words daily. Walks the necessary steps to reach his destination. Slowly, at the same pace the days turn into nights and back into days.
By the time Donghae leaves the party, having seen him only twice again, it’s well past midnight. Luckily, Kyuhyun left with Zhoumi, leaving Donghae his car so he doesn’t have to pay a taxi or freeze his butt off on the way home. A man in a long coat blowing over his hands stands in front of the building visibly trembling. Donghae wants to pass by him. Almost does. But he doesn’t.
“Taxis don’t pass by here at this hour.”
Hyukjae whips around looking like he’s had the scare of his life and Donghae bites back a laugh at his expression. “Oh” he bites his lip looking around. “I stayed after to get the check and told the guys to leave without me and… you don’t want to hear this.” A sad smile on his lips.
Donghae shrugs and looks around the deserted street. He tells himself not to. To say goodbye and leave. But it’s cold and he remembers how Hyukjae would snuggle into him on especially cold nights and the words leave him without thinking “You want a ride?”
He looks shocked and Donghae wishes he’d kept his mouth shut.
“Yeah” his breath forms cloud puffs as he speaks, fidgeting with his fingers “Yes, uhmm thank you.”
He doesn’t say anything back, simply gesturing for him to follow.
“Thanks for the ride” Hyukjae says, making no move to open the car door and leave.
“No problem. It was on the way” Donghae adjusts the car heater.
“Do you want to-” Hyukjae begins. Donghae snaps his head towards him and watches him, eyes sharp. Because he knows what he was going to ask and can’t actually believe he would have the audacity to ask. “No, I guess not.” He says dejectedly. “I-” he opens the door, looks back and says “Ca-” a succession of bangs and yells cut him off.
“What the hell was that?” Donghae asks.
“Oh” Hyukjae scans the street nervously “The neighborhood has gotten kind of dangerous lately. Some of the owners sold their shares and we’re getting some pretty interesting neighbors.”
A loud bang “Was that a gun?” Donghae asks, slightly outraged.
“Probably” Hyukjae says like it’s no big deal. “Well, thanks for the ride ag-what are you doing?”
“I’m going up with you” he turns the ignition off and gets out of the car, locking it. He knows it’s dumb to worry, knows he probably looks like an idiot, but he doesn’t care anymore. Truth is, Donghae is an idiot, so why not act the part.
“Why?” Hyukjae asks in bewilderment when he reaches the other side, still in the car.
Donghae rolls his eyes and pulls him out, slamming the door shut. “This place is a danger zone. Who knows what will happen to you.”
Hyukjae opens his mouth, looks like he’s going to sputter some words and Donghae simply turns around and enters the building to call the elevator.
“You don’t have to come up with me. I’ll be fine. Besides, I know this place better than you do and-”
“You still can’t shut up, can you?” Hyukjae gasps and glares at him, his mouth open like he wants to say something but Donghae won’t have it. He gets on the elevator and holds it open. “Close your mouth and get in”
Hyukjae does so, pout on his lips and folds his arms across his chest, looking like he’s five. Donghae doesn’t even try to hide his smile, making Hyukjae scowl “I’d forgotten you’re so controlling.”
He tilts his head to the side, his hands deep in his pockets. “I’m surprised you remembered anything at all.” He doesn’t mean to sound bitter, meaning to come out as a joke.
Hyukjae turns to him, brows deeply furrowed, frowning. “Donghae, how could I-” the elevator arriving at his floor interrupts him.
In front of his door, Hyukjae looks at his feet instead of Donghae’s face “Thank you”
He looks up at him and Donghae thinks he sees something. It’s probably the light that gives that effect. Another illusion. He nods and turns to leave when
“Wait” Hyukjae walks around him and steps in front of Donghae, blocking his path “Come inside. Just for a little while” he adds quickly. “I have hot chocolate and tea. It’ll warm you up before you go back out. Or cider” he says when he sees Donghae weaver. “My mom made it”
Why does he do this? He wants to ask. More so, he knows he should leave, only more pain awaiting him on the other side of the door. But he finds himself nodding and following him inside.
The mug of cider feels warm to his hands and the liquid to his stomach, the slight spiciness tickling the back of his throat.
“Do you want something to eat?”
Donghae declines with his head. “The food at the party was enough. The rice cakes we’re especially good. You’re very talented” he adds seeing that Hyukjae is trying and that he really doesn’t deserve Donghae’s being an ass.
“I didn’t make it” Hyukjae shakes his hand. “I mean it is my recipe. Well, not mine, my grandmother’s. So really, I guess I didn’t do much and… I’m doing that talking thing again so I’ll just shut up now.”
Donghae chuckles silently, setting the mug on the coffee table. Eyes a newspaper section on it with various red circles.
“You looking for rentals?” he asks absentmindedly.
“Yeah, I finally have enough money to have an actual office” he sounds happy and proud. And Donghae smiles because he knows Hyukjae has worked for this.
“That’s really amazing, Hyukjae. I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks. That means a lot to me.” He smiles, his eyes crinkling at the corners, his gums showing.
It somehow happens.
Donghae moves a little too forward, Hyukjae a little too to the side. And they end up in a tangle of lips and tongues, but it’s different than all the other tangles, lips gentler and tongues slower against each other.
When he realizes what he’s doing, he pulls away and jumps off the couch like he’s being burned. “What am I- I can’t - can’t do this.” he runs a hand through his hair “I have to go.”
“Why?” Hyukjae asks from the couch, a little stunned.
“Why?” he repeats. “My feelings haven’t changed, Hyukjae” there’s a pleading hint in his tone. Silently asking for comprehension. “And I just can’t” Hyukjae’s eyes widen more and some emotion flashes in his eyes.
By then, Donghae is at the door when Hyukjae speaks.
“What would happen if my feelings have changed?”
His hand freezes on the doorknob and Donghae tells himself to breathe. He knows Hyukjae is a lot of things. He just never thought cruel was among them.
“I know it’s probably too late and I have no right.” He pauses and Donghae hears him take a breath. “But I never thought I’d see you again. And now that I have…” he leaves the sentence in the air, like waiting for Donghae to pick up on what he’s saying.
A loud laugh erupts in the air. When he turns around, Donghae’s still laughing and Hyukjae’s face is fallen. He catches his breath and with a smirk asks “Did you get a kick out of that?”
His brows are deeply furrowed, he shakes his head “What? I’m trying to-”
“Tell me that you love me?” he asks condescendingly.
Hyukjae keeps his calm and stands up. “I know it’s hard to believe. But I’m honest when I say that my feelings for you have grown over these months and I feel” he stops and corrects himself “I know that I love you.”
Donghae wants nothing more than to believe him. But at this point, Donghae has a hard time believing anything.
“You don’t even know what the word means, Hyukjae” keeps his tone cold and harsh.
With that, Hyukjae’s face turns to anger and something else he can’t seem to name. “How dare you!” he walks over to him until he’s practically in his face, their noses inches apart. “How dare you belittle me and what I feel!” he grits his teeth and breathes, calming himself. Probably trying to not hit Donghae. “And what are you, some kind of expert in love?”
“No” he answers getting rallied up himself. “But people don’t change just like that.”
“Sometimes they do” Hyukjae’s voice is gentler now. His eyes probing into Donghae’s. “And I have.” He cups Donghae’s cheek, asks with his eyes to trust him.
But he can’t. He can’t bring himself to. Shaking his hand off, he steps back “I’m sorry. But I can’t go through this again if it turns out you’re wrong.”
“You know” Hyukjae’s voice is strangled and stony “I have a hard time believing you love me when you don’t even give me the chance to love you back.”
The smirk creeps onto Donghae's lips without him meaning to. “If I didn’t love you, Hyukjae, I’d have no problem with fucking you against the wall right now.”
Hyukjae’s shoulders fall, like the wind has been knocked out of him “What do I have to say or do so you’ll believe me?” he closes his eyes and bites his lip, shaking his head. “Maybe I don’t know what love is. I’ve never been in love before so, maybe you’re right” he steps backwards until he slumps against the back of the couch and he looks so fragile Donghae’s at a loss for words or actions.
“Then what does it mean that I can’t stop thinking about you?” but Hyukjae doesn’t wait for an answer, keeps going.
“That I stop on the streets because I think I see you? Imagine that any guy could be you?” a shrug, the left shoulder rising more than the right.
“That I- I haven’t kissed or touched anyone since the day you left?” Donghae’s eyes widen at that and Hyukjae smiles bitterly and nods.
“That I haven’t-” he chuckles and the sound is hollow and sad “That I’m so pathetic… I haven’t erased you’re messages so that I have some way to hear you voice?” he presses the button on his answering machine on the table next to him, Donghae’s voice fills the room, saying something about how he can’t come over or is running late, and the present Donghae stands there having trouble remembering how to work his lungs.
Suddenly Hyukjae snaps his fingers “Hold on. You’ll really get a kick out of this” he leaves and comes back with a white piece of fabric. He flings it at Donghae’s feet and he looks dumbly at it when he realizes what it is.
“That I sleep in your t-shirt because I stupidly think it’s like having a part of you?” he clears his throat trying to mask the fact he’s trying to not cry. He shakes his head, as the tears spill down his cheeks slowly, looking at Donghae helplessly, the exact same way Donghae feels.
“So tell me Donghae… what does it mean?”
What it means is that Donghae isn’t the only one who had been living in his own hallucination. That ghostly presence the other once was has turned into something that haunts them both. But Donghae no longer wants to be haunted by a memory, he wants the real thing.
“Why” Donghae starts but stops because he feels so much all at once, it’s hard to find the right words. “Why didn’t you call? Try to see me? Tell me?”
“You didn’t want to love me” Hyukjae's voice is quiet, small, but confident, and he’s right. That was the last thing Donghae wanted. “You wanted to get over me so, I let you.” Hyukjae’s voice breaks on the last syllable and something inside Donghae breaks.
“I-” he can’t seem to find words. They evade him at crucial times and its funny how he can’t seem to simply say the three words he wants to, needs to say.
But Hyukjae’s not at all at a loss for words and wiping his cheeks, walks towards him, determination on his face. “So what do I have to do? Yell it? Repeat it a thousand times even though you’ve barely said it twice? Say I’m sorry for realizing that I love you too late?” he grabs his face in his hands, hands shaking and eyelashes wet and sticking together “What do you want, Donghae?”
Now that’s a question that requires one word and he can at least say that “You” he pulls him close, their noses brushing “I just want you”
Despite the wet eyes, the tip of his nose is red, and the hiccup that makes his chest shake, a small smile spreads across his lips “I’m yours” he exhales slowly, lowering his hands from his face to his neck “Now, are you gonna hurry up and kiss me or what?”
The laughter that erupts from Donghae’s lips is actually genuine this time. He holds Hyukjae's face in between his hands the way Hyukjae holds his heart in his, brings him closer
“I may be controlling but you sure are the bossy one”
Hyukjae raises his eyebrow moves his face back when he leans in “You’re lucky I love you or else I’d kick you out of here”
“Yeah, I’m lucky” Donghae grabs his chin, narrows his eyes but keeps them soft “Now, shut up and let me kiss you”
And he does.
The next morning, he wakes up to a gummy smile that’s actually there, not one he imagines and is no longer haunted. And three words are uttered twice between them, quietly, intimately in the last hours of the morning.
*
Pairing: Donghae/Hyukjae
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Length: One-shot
Summary: Donghae only asks one thing of Hyukjae and ends up wanting so much more.
A/N: So I haven't been writing or reading much lately but I was able to write this in one sitting. This fic is not really a song fic but it is inspired by a song, so its a semi song fic(is that a genre?) loosely based on the song. I wrote this listening to "Alucinado" (in English 'stunned') by the Italian singer Tiziano Ferro. I was going to put the lyrics translated to English, but the song looses its meaning, so I didn't. Hopefully you guys like this.
On illusions, hallucinations, lines and reality
His fingers trace soft patterns, swirls ghosting over smooth skin. A car driving by the window casts a shadow across the room, illuminating the sleeping figure who stirs slightly, something close to a whimper shaped from his parted lips and the hand stops. A soft sigh exhaled and the person stills. He sighs, removes his hand from the other’s shoulder and rolls onto his back, stares at the ceiling. He thinks about leaving, it’s close to five in the morning; a few hours before he usually leaves but it’s not like the other would notice or care. He blames the fact that he’s tired but he knows that isn’t the reason he can’t bring himself to leave this bed.
“Hyukjae” a gummy smile and fiery red hair and Donghae’s sure he knows who he wants to go home with tonight.
“Donghae” he introduces himself, his interest clearly written in his eyes.
The smile grows just that bit and Donghae knows the interest is welcomed. Hyukjae gestures to the crowded floor with his shoulder “Do you dance?”
He bites his lip in that way he knows makes people swoon “I have some moves.”
The red head laughs and leads them to the center of the dancing bodies “Let’s see what you can do, then.” And he shows him, well into the night.
“Hey” his voice is always hoarse in the morning, especially after a particularly rough night. Not that he ever complains. He seems to not like taking things slow or gently, so Donghae doesn’t.
His eyes blink open and he finds him sitting by his side. Head tilted in confusion, the white t-shirt he’s wearing falling off his shoulder, the morning sun bathing him in light and Donghae wants to press his lips to the exposed skin but doesn’t.
“You’re still here” Hyukjae points out bluntly and to Donghae it’s like getting kicked in the gut.
The clock tells him its past nine. He’s never here after seven.
He sits up in the bed, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, grabs his shirt from off the floor. “Shit” he gets out of the bed searching for his boxers. “I’m sorry, I guess I’m just tired and fell asleep.”
“No need to apologize” Hyukjae says calmly crossing his legs underneath his body and shrugging. “I was just saying. Don’t you have work by now?”
“Yes and I’m late” he mutters not sparing him a second glance and after recuperating the rest of his clothes walks into the bathroom to hastily clean up and get dressed. The warm water on his body momentarily washing the feeling of being subtly kicked out.
Quick short breaths, chests heaving trying to regain enough air into their lungs to breath properly again. Hyukjae’s hair is sweaty and sticky on his stomach and he’s lying sideways on the bed, the sheets barely covering his hip. Donghae kind of wants to shove him off, his drenched hair giving him goose bumps in the cold air, but Hyukjae just did do most of the work so he lets him be.
They’ve been at this for a few weeks now and Donghae likes how Hyukjae responds to his body so naturally so they have a sort of agreement. It’s like friends with benefits without the friends part, their interests lying solely in what the other can give him.
They have an unspoken understanding but Donghae likes making things clear so after they’re both calm he says “You get what we’re doing right?”
Hyukjae rolls his head to look at him, eyebrow raised, and Donghae elaborates “I mean this. Us, it’s-”
The smile the other gives before interrupting him is more like a smirk. “Don’t worry.” He props himself up on his elbow “I know you only want me for my body.”
Donghae smirks grabbing him by the waist pulling him further up the bed, until they’re chest against chest. “And that’s the exact same reason you want me.”
“Guilty as charged” he pushes the sweaty hair off his forehead, laughter in his eyes. “Why do you ask? Afraid I’ll fall in love with you?” he asks mockingly and Donghae rolls his eyes and pushes him on his back against the mattress.
“Not a chance.” He’s confident in his answer because from what he’s observed of the other he knows it’s highly unlikely. The main reason he’s still in his bed.
The air smells of freshly brewed coffee once he steps out of the bathroom and he follows the aroma like in a trance, its enticing smell calling his name.
“Coffee” he says under his breath but Hyukjae hears it and laughs as he takes out the sugar.
“The least I can do. After all, it’s my fault you’re late for work” he pours three spoonfuls of sugar in one mug, one into the other, pauses. Looks at Donghae unsure over his shoulder “Two or three?”
“Two” he answers going over to the fridge and taking out the cream.
Hyukjae furrows his brows when he places it next to him. “I thought you took your coffee black?”
“I do” a shrug “you don’t.”
They drink in silence, an almost awkward air hangs between them, neither knowing what to say. Donghae downs his coffee as quickly as possible, swallowing the words that want to push forward along with the black liquid. He rinses his mug quickly and bolts for the door throwing a short “Bye”
“Hold on a second” Hyukjae grabs him by the jacket covered arm. Concern on his face, “Are you” he stops, studying him and possibly wondering if he should ask “Are you okay?
Donghae feels his worry, but tells himself it’s not real. Hyukjae naturally worries over everyone and everything. Donghae isn’t special or different and he wishes Hyukjae wasn’t like this. Didn’t unknowingly give him something to dream off of.
“You’re acting really strange.” Hyukjae pushes further, placing his hand on Donghae’s cheek.
He knows it. Knows the why. But he can’t possibly tell Hyukjae why. He can try. He has tried. But there is always something, a nagging voice in his head convinces him otherwise.
“I’m fine. Just late” his voice is assuring but someone who knows him better, who actually pays attention to the influx in his voice, would have noticed the lie. Hyukjae isn’t that someone.
“Okay” he grabs the back of his head and pulls him in for a kiss, fast and hard, yet somehow sweet. But maybe it just seems that way. “Call me” he says when he pulls away and Donghae half nods and leaves.
He slips in, a little before, a little past midnight, stays the few hours it takes to satisfy them both, slips out just as quietly as he came. They both like it that way, both adjust to how they’re almost a ghostly presence in the other’s life. Appearances before dawn, they catch themselves wondering if the presence is actually there or merely something the imagination creates. Ghosts don’t exist. So it’s as if they don’t exist.
He’s always heard that keeping things in is bad. Feelings, thoughts. They build up until they become so much you just simply explode.
Donghae doesn’t explode. Doesn’t feel the need to say, do, or manifest anything.
He chuckles to himself, the lady next to him in the elevator inching away slowly, looking at him like he’s insane. That only makes him chuckle louder because he probably is. The elevator dings and they get off, the poor woman scurrying off into her apartment, the loud sound of the locks turning sharply.
Sometimes, he tells himself that nothing has changed. That it’s still exactly the same as it was a few months ago and that when it ends -because it will end, it always ends, it has to- he’ll feel absolutely nothing. He’s got himself half convinced as he knocks on the door, two swift pounds against wood.
But then the door swings open revealing fiery red hair, a gummy smile and everything Donghae wants but can’t have. Can’t have it because he wanted it that way. He steps in and an old saying comes to him. Something about making your bed and sleeping in it.
He never grasped the meaning until recently.
“Donghae” Hyukjae’s voice calls for him and he splashes water on his face. “You plan on drowning in there?”
He wipes his face with a towel and sighs staring at himself. “Give me a sec”
“Well hurry up. I want you once more before you go.”
He’s not even gone and Hyukjae’s already thinking about him leaving. He brushes his hair, running fingers through it, pulling at it slightly. He feels it.
Feels that subtlety in change in his own actions. The way he touches him. Talks to him. Looks at him. He’s watching it happen and knowing he should stop it now, he doesn’t.
He leans against the door frame of the bathroom and watches him.
A playful, almost child like smile on his lips, leaning against the head board beckoning him over with his index finger, crooking it towards him. Donghae shakes his head, folds his arms across his chest acting bored, when in reality he has to contain himself from jumping the other. It’s a game they play. Waiting to see who gives in first. It gives Hyukjae the chance to have his bit of dominance. Gives Donghae the chance to keep control. If he can control them, he can control how he feels about them.
This time it’s Hyukjae who gives in, getting off the bed and sauntering over to him, wearing Donghae’s underwear. It’s a habit he has. Pulling on his underwear after they’ve had sex. He wants to ask why. Ask if it means anything. Knowing it probably doesn’t, he rather not. But he likes pretending it does.
“You’re here a little early.”
He takes off his jacket, throwing it over the back of a chair. “I have to go in early tomorrow.”
Hyukjae shrugs. “I don’t mind” he heads towards the kitchen and opens the fridge. “Want a drink?”
From behind him, Donghae closes the fridge door, spinning him around, pins him against it. Hyukjae widens his eyes in surprise, breath hitching at the look in Donghae’s eyes, accepts the kiss he gives him willingly, eagerly. It’s a mess of lips and tongues and unsaid words that are felt and never uttered.
Sex is nothing but attitude. It’s not what you say during it. The whispered words, false promises, declarations of love and claims of the opposite; they mean nothing. It’s what you put into it. How much you give of yourself. How much you take. How much you hold back. How much you don’t give. That’s where the line is. The fine line between mindless fucking and making love.
He holds Hyukjae a little tighter. Digs his fingers a little harsher. Kisses him a little rougher. Runs his fingers through his hair a little more forceful. Takes him a little harder. It doesn’t change what it means to him. It doesn’t change what it means to Hyukjae.
What changed? He doesn’t know. He ponders over it, hearing the water running from the faucet, Hyukjae’s voice soft and low to whoever he’s speaking to over the phone. Was it Hyukjae who changed or himself? He isn’t sure if there even was a change. What he is sure of is he shouldn’t be wanting what he wants. They had an agreement. His idea, his rules. He can’t be the one to change the rules of the game so late into it.
The water turns off and he rolls onto his side, facing away from the bathroom. He hears the door close, the phone being dropped and Hyukjae giving an exasperated sigh.
“My mother is such a pain” the bed dips underneath his weight, albeit a light one, and he crawls over to Donghae. Forcing him on his back again so he can straddle his waist and sit atop him, look down at him. He likes doing this. Looking down at Donghae. Both literally and metaphorically.
“Please tell me your mother is a bitch at times as well” he runs his hands up his chest, leans forward a little. “It’ll make me feel better.”
Donghae can’t help it and smiles. “Quite the opposite really.”
He sticks his tongue out at him and dips his head to leave a mark on his neck. “I’d kick you out of here if you weren’t so good in bed.”
Donghae laughs, running his hands up and down his legs. Hyukjae bites him a little more intently and Donghae sits up. He trails a finger over Hyukjae’s spine, slowly going every dip and space, feels Hyukjae shiver against him, hears his moan when he whispers “I can do something else that’ll make you feel better.”
Hyukjae can’t give him what he really wants. Donghae can make the both of them feel better. It makes it all seem fair somehow.
It slips out. Without him even being conscious of it, too caught up in it all to realize it. He thinks he faintly hears his voice say it but tacks it off to his imagination. But the way Hyukjae’s eyes are widened, eyebrows impossibly raised, mouth agape, he knows he didn’t imagine it. He confirms it when “W-what did you say?” is uttered and he knows that that didn’t come out of his mouth.
It’s a lot of things. Little things he doesn’t realize that leave a mark on him. The way Hyukjae’s hands feel on his body. The way he breathes out his name. The way he rests his head on his shoulder. The way his body fits perfectly along the contours of his body, perfectly like he was made to fit there. The way his face lights up when he smiles and the way he hides his face in the crook of Donghae’s neck when he’s embarrassed. The way he leans on his elbows on Donghae’s chest, swinging his feet in the air as he talks about this and that, to which in the beginning Donghae pays only half attention to and ends up etched in his memory.
And at the same time, it’s nothing in particular. It’s nothing at all. It is because it is. It is because it’s Hyukjae.
He thinks about lying. Inventing something and make them both forget he ever said anything. But how can he? Can he really keep this up? Having Hyukjae and not having him. The words said now, in the air between them a pause. Even though he didn’t mean to say them, it is like a weight has been lifted off of him.
“I-” he cuts himself off and Hyukjae’s eyes open wider. Donghae looks at him a few seconds, carefully pulls out of him and rolls off of him, sitting on the bed. Hyukjae quickly sits up as well.
“I'm in love with you”
Five seconds, a few heartbeats later and finally he speaks, disbelief in his voice and face. “You’re joking right?” and Donghae feels like a part of him has just slammed into the pit of his stomach. Like he expected. “It was just a caught up in the moment thing right? You don’t mean it. You’re kidding.”
He smiles sadly wishing that it were. For both their sakes. “It’s not a joke” He gets up after a few moments and grabbing his clothes, goes to shower leaving a stunned Hyukjae on his bed.
When he goes back into the room, he finds Hyukjae gone and he feels relieved, not wanting to deal with anything at the moment. He runs out of luck when he reaches the living room. Hyukjae gets up off the couch something akin to anger on his face.
“You’re the one who said it was just sex. That it meant nothing.” He’s close to yelling, almost shaking and Donghae feels guilty, never having seen Hyukjae this way with such a fragile grip on his emotions. But it’s nice to see Hyukjae actually feel something, even if it is anger. “We agreed. You can’t just try and change things now.”
“I know” he says calmly, sincerely “And I’m not trying to change anything but I can’t control how I feel.” He can’t. He tried and failed.
Raking a hand through his hair, he lets out a shaky breath. “I don’t-” he pauses and shakes his head. “I don’t know what to do with this.”
Donghae tilts his head, his eyes compassionate. “You don’t have to do anything.” He stands in front of him and the look in Hyukjae’s eyes is that of being lost. “I wasn’t even going to tell you. But things happen” he shrugs, inhaling simultaneously, to breath air, not Hyukjae’s scent.
Hyukjae’s eyes come into focus, realization hitting him “It’s over isn’t it?”
Donghae nods and it hurts.
Eyes turn to something that’s similar to sympathy and he says. “I’m sorry.”
Sorry for what? Donghae wonders. Sorry Donghae loves him? For not loving him back? This isn’t how Donghae pictured it and he doesn’t want to leave Hyukjae on bad terms.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about” his voice is comforting, because this is not Hyukjae’s fault. Donghae has no one to blame except himself. “I wouldn’t change anything about the time we’ve had together.” He grabs his face, in between his hands, feeling his skin for just one last time. He leans his face upwards towards his “You shouldn’t want to either.”
Hyukjae shakes his head “I don’t” he says softly and their lips meet.
It’s different. It’s soft and warm at the same time it’s cool, the feel of his lips on his. He closes his eyes after Hyukjae’s eyelids flutter closed gracefully. He doesn’t know how long it lasts. All he knows is he engraves the moment into his memory. Memorizes the way Hyukjae tastes, the way he wraps his hands around his neck, the way he let him kiss him the way he has always wanted to; softly, gently, letting him feel for once how he really feels about him.
It’s kind of appropriate for a goodbye. You can drop the façade after the game is over.
“I didn’t turn into a girl, you know”
“What does that mean?” he asks puzzled.
Hyukjae rolls his eyes and raising himself, kisses him pulling away after a few seconds. “That. You’re kissing me as if you think I might break in half.”
Donghae drops his gaze to his neck, lowering his head to kiss it afterwards. “I didn’t notice” he mumbles against his skin.
Beneath him, Hyukjae squirms and lifts his face from his neck and pulls him until their lips graze. “Don’t get all soft on me now” he brushes their lips together “kiss me” he asks and just as Donghae’s about to, he stops him “I mean really kiss me.”
And he does. So harshly and deeply he almost busts his lower lip open, the faint taste of blood on Donghae’s tongue. It’s passionate, without doubt. Donghae never knew there could be passion without feeling. And then he remembers there is feeling. It’s only that it’s one sided.
The days grow colder as they grow longer, summer that turned into autumn slowly turning into winter. The seasons change and yet Donghae doesn’t. Living sort of an imitation of life, as if all this is a hallucination. He likes telling himself it’s not real. That he imagined everything and that he never met a red head with a smile that kills and breathes life all at once. But when he lies in bed at night he sees that smile in his mind, sees it lying next to him, sees it when he wakes up in the morning. It haunts him.
He buries his hands deeper into his pockets wishing he’d remembered to grab gloves. But he’s late and in a hurry so his hands will just have to freeze.
It's worth having icicles for extremities than have his best friend killing him for being late to his boyfriend’s birthday party. He honestly doesn’t want to go, but Kyuhyun had insisted he needed to get out of the house for something other than work and occasionally get drunk.
He arrives at the modernly furnished room. Lights low and soothing. An orangish head of hair and long legs point out to where the birthday boy is and knowing it’s both polite to greet him first and that most likely Kyuhyun is there, he heads in that direction.
“Congratulations, Zhoumi”
Zhoumi smiles and hugs him, takes a step back to look at him. “Long time no see, stranger. You look good”
He returns the smile, feeling the genuineness that is Zhoumi. “It’s all for you, Mi. You don’t look half bad yourself”
“Could you two stop flirting” someone snaps coming to stand next to them. “You haven’t been here even two seconds and you know it makes me jealous.”
“It’s nice to see you Kyu” he smiles to his friend who looks annoyed but also relieved he actually came.
“Can’t say the same” he clasps a hand on his shoulder. “”You look like crap” in Kyuhyun speak it means he’s glad to see him.
He talks with them for a while, eventually wandering around the room, seeing people he hasn’t seen in a while and some he never has before.
Admiring the paintings on the walls, he bumps into someone and winces when he notices it’s a waiter.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you.” He helps the man up, grabbing his arm and hauling him up on his feet, bends down to pick up the fallen tray.
“Donghae”
His head snaps up so quickly he probably hurt his neck, astonished at how funny life can be. He hasn’t seen him since that day and it had to happen the one night he decides to go out. Like life has been waiting to play some joke on him.
“How have you been?” Hyukjae asks, surprised and Donghae wonders if he really cares. It’s the typical question to ask. How have you been? How are you?
“Good” he answers, then adds as an afterthought “You?”
He takes the tray from Donghae’s hands, their fingers brushing almost “I’ve been better” throws a quick humorless laugh.
“What are you doing here?” Donghae asks after a few seconds of just standing there. “Are you a friend of Zhoumi’s?”
“No” he shakes his head, hair black and opaque now making Donghae feel a small pang of loss. Hair is just hair, but he likes thinking of Hyukjae as the one with his head on fire. “My catering company is doing this party. One of my waiters got sick so I’m going back to where I started.” Donghae remembers. How he went from serving creampuffs and champagne to being the one to decide where, how and how many should be served.
“Well, it was uhhh nice seeing you” it’s a lie obviously and they both know it.
Hyukjae nods quickly, knuckles white from the force with which he holds the tray. “Of course. Uhhh you too. Enjoy the food.”
Donghae gives him a stiff smile and turns in the other direction.
He doesn’t see Hyukjae stand there; his eyes following his retreating back. Doesn’t see the emotion concealed in his eyes. Doesn’t see the shaky breath he takes. Doesn’t see how he watches him for most of the night.
If it doesn’t hurt maybe it wasn’t love after all. People would maybe think its better that way. But if it was never love, all that pain was for nothing. Is that what’s preferred? Better to have wasted time on something that meant nothing than to have actually felt something even if the end you got hurt?
Donghae thinks that know that it’s ended, he’ll get over it. The feeling of being in love will eventually fade. It’s strange, but it doesn’t. It grows with each day. The feeling of hallucinating, of being hallucinated by someone who no longer exists. No longer exists for him at least. He speaks little to nothing. Uttering only the necessary words daily. Walks the necessary steps to reach his destination. Slowly, at the same pace the days turn into nights and back into days.
By the time Donghae leaves the party, having seen him only twice again, it’s well past midnight. Luckily, Kyuhyun left with Zhoumi, leaving Donghae his car so he doesn’t have to pay a taxi or freeze his butt off on the way home. A man in a long coat blowing over his hands stands in front of the building visibly trembling. Donghae wants to pass by him. Almost does. But he doesn’t.
“Taxis don’t pass by here at this hour.”
Hyukjae whips around looking like he’s had the scare of his life and Donghae bites back a laugh at his expression. “Oh” he bites his lip looking around. “I stayed after to get the check and told the guys to leave without me and… you don’t want to hear this.” A sad smile on his lips.
Donghae shrugs and looks around the deserted street. He tells himself not to. To say goodbye and leave. But it’s cold and he remembers how Hyukjae would snuggle into him on especially cold nights and the words leave him without thinking “You want a ride?”
He looks shocked and Donghae wishes he’d kept his mouth shut.
“Yeah” his breath forms cloud puffs as he speaks, fidgeting with his fingers “Yes, uhmm thank you.”
He doesn’t say anything back, simply gesturing for him to follow.
“Thanks for the ride” Hyukjae says, making no move to open the car door and leave.
“No problem. It was on the way” Donghae adjusts the car heater.
“Do you want to-” Hyukjae begins. Donghae snaps his head towards him and watches him, eyes sharp. Because he knows what he was going to ask and can’t actually believe he would have the audacity to ask. “No, I guess not.” He says dejectedly. “I-” he opens the door, looks back and says “Ca-” a succession of bangs and yells cut him off.
“What the hell was that?” Donghae asks.
“Oh” Hyukjae scans the street nervously “The neighborhood has gotten kind of dangerous lately. Some of the owners sold their shares and we’re getting some pretty interesting neighbors.”
A loud bang “Was that a gun?” Donghae asks, slightly outraged.
“Probably” Hyukjae says like it’s no big deal. “Well, thanks for the ride ag-what are you doing?”
“I’m going up with you” he turns the ignition off and gets out of the car, locking it. He knows it’s dumb to worry, knows he probably looks like an idiot, but he doesn’t care anymore. Truth is, Donghae is an idiot, so why not act the part.
“Why?” Hyukjae asks in bewilderment when he reaches the other side, still in the car.
Donghae rolls his eyes and pulls him out, slamming the door shut. “This place is a danger zone. Who knows what will happen to you.”
Hyukjae opens his mouth, looks like he’s going to sputter some words and Donghae simply turns around and enters the building to call the elevator.
“You don’t have to come up with me. I’ll be fine. Besides, I know this place better than you do and-”
“You still can’t shut up, can you?” Hyukjae gasps and glares at him, his mouth open like he wants to say something but Donghae won’t have it. He gets on the elevator and holds it open. “Close your mouth and get in”
Hyukjae does so, pout on his lips and folds his arms across his chest, looking like he’s five. Donghae doesn’t even try to hide his smile, making Hyukjae scowl “I’d forgotten you’re so controlling.”
He tilts his head to the side, his hands deep in his pockets. “I’m surprised you remembered anything at all.” He doesn’t mean to sound bitter, meaning to come out as a joke.
Hyukjae turns to him, brows deeply furrowed, frowning. “Donghae, how could I-” the elevator arriving at his floor interrupts him.
In front of his door, Hyukjae looks at his feet instead of Donghae’s face “Thank you”
He looks up at him and Donghae thinks he sees something. It’s probably the light that gives that effect. Another illusion. He nods and turns to leave when
“Wait” Hyukjae walks around him and steps in front of Donghae, blocking his path “Come inside. Just for a little while” he adds quickly. “I have hot chocolate and tea. It’ll warm you up before you go back out. Or cider” he says when he sees Donghae weaver. “My mom made it”
Why does he do this? He wants to ask. More so, he knows he should leave, only more pain awaiting him on the other side of the door. But he finds himself nodding and following him inside.
The mug of cider feels warm to his hands and the liquid to his stomach, the slight spiciness tickling the back of his throat.
“Do you want something to eat?”
Donghae declines with his head. “The food at the party was enough. The rice cakes we’re especially good. You’re very talented” he adds seeing that Hyukjae is trying and that he really doesn’t deserve Donghae’s being an ass.
“I didn’t make it” Hyukjae shakes his hand. “I mean it is my recipe. Well, not mine, my grandmother’s. So really, I guess I didn’t do much and… I’m doing that talking thing again so I’ll just shut up now.”
Donghae chuckles silently, setting the mug on the coffee table. Eyes a newspaper section on it with various red circles.
“You looking for rentals?” he asks absentmindedly.
“Yeah, I finally have enough money to have an actual office” he sounds happy and proud. And Donghae smiles because he knows Hyukjae has worked for this.
“That’s really amazing, Hyukjae. I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks. That means a lot to me.” He smiles, his eyes crinkling at the corners, his gums showing.
It somehow happens.
Donghae moves a little too forward, Hyukjae a little too to the side. And they end up in a tangle of lips and tongues, but it’s different than all the other tangles, lips gentler and tongues slower against each other.
When he realizes what he’s doing, he pulls away and jumps off the couch like he’s being burned. “What am I- I can’t - can’t do this.” he runs a hand through his hair “I have to go.”
“Why?” Hyukjae asks from the couch, a little stunned.
“Why?” he repeats. “My feelings haven’t changed, Hyukjae” there’s a pleading hint in his tone. Silently asking for comprehension. “And I just can’t” Hyukjae’s eyes widen more and some emotion flashes in his eyes.
By then, Donghae is at the door when Hyukjae speaks.
“What would happen if my feelings have changed?”
His hand freezes on the doorknob and Donghae tells himself to breathe. He knows Hyukjae is a lot of things. He just never thought cruel was among them.
“I know it’s probably too late and I have no right.” He pauses and Donghae hears him take a breath. “But I never thought I’d see you again. And now that I have…” he leaves the sentence in the air, like waiting for Donghae to pick up on what he’s saying.
A loud laugh erupts in the air. When he turns around, Donghae’s still laughing and Hyukjae’s face is fallen. He catches his breath and with a smirk asks “Did you get a kick out of that?”
His brows are deeply furrowed, he shakes his head “What? I’m trying to-”
“Tell me that you love me?” he asks condescendingly.
Hyukjae keeps his calm and stands up. “I know it’s hard to believe. But I’m honest when I say that my feelings for you have grown over these months and I feel” he stops and corrects himself “I know that I love you.”
Donghae wants nothing more than to believe him. But at this point, Donghae has a hard time believing anything.
“You don’t even know what the word means, Hyukjae” keeps his tone cold and harsh.
With that, Hyukjae’s face turns to anger and something else he can’t seem to name. “How dare you!” he walks over to him until he’s practically in his face, their noses inches apart. “How dare you belittle me and what I feel!” he grits his teeth and breathes, calming himself. Probably trying to not hit Donghae. “And what are you, some kind of expert in love?”
“No” he answers getting rallied up himself. “But people don’t change just like that.”
“Sometimes they do” Hyukjae’s voice is gentler now. His eyes probing into Donghae’s. “And I have.” He cups Donghae’s cheek, asks with his eyes to trust him.
But he can’t. He can’t bring himself to. Shaking his hand off, he steps back “I’m sorry. But I can’t go through this again if it turns out you’re wrong.”
“You know” Hyukjae’s voice is strangled and stony “I have a hard time believing you love me when you don’t even give me the chance to love you back.”
The smirk creeps onto Donghae's lips without him meaning to. “If I didn’t love you, Hyukjae, I’d have no problem with fucking you against the wall right now.”
Hyukjae’s shoulders fall, like the wind has been knocked out of him “What do I have to say or do so you’ll believe me?” he closes his eyes and bites his lip, shaking his head. “Maybe I don’t know what love is. I’ve never been in love before so, maybe you’re right” he steps backwards until he slumps against the back of the couch and he looks so fragile Donghae’s at a loss for words or actions.
“Then what does it mean that I can’t stop thinking about you?” but Hyukjae doesn’t wait for an answer, keeps going.
“That I stop on the streets because I think I see you? Imagine that any guy could be you?” a shrug, the left shoulder rising more than the right.
“That I- I haven’t kissed or touched anyone since the day you left?” Donghae’s eyes widen at that and Hyukjae smiles bitterly and nods.
“That I haven’t-” he chuckles and the sound is hollow and sad “That I’m so pathetic… I haven’t erased you’re messages so that I have some way to hear you voice?” he presses the button on his answering machine on the table next to him, Donghae’s voice fills the room, saying something about how he can’t come over or is running late, and the present Donghae stands there having trouble remembering how to work his lungs.
Suddenly Hyukjae snaps his fingers “Hold on. You’ll really get a kick out of this” he leaves and comes back with a white piece of fabric. He flings it at Donghae’s feet and he looks dumbly at it when he realizes what it is.
“That I sleep in your t-shirt because I stupidly think it’s like having a part of you?” he clears his throat trying to mask the fact he’s trying to not cry. He shakes his head, as the tears spill down his cheeks slowly, looking at Donghae helplessly, the exact same way Donghae feels.
“So tell me Donghae… what does it mean?”
What it means is that Donghae isn’t the only one who had been living in his own hallucination. That ghostly presence the other once was has turned into something that haunts them both. But Donghae no longer wants to be haunted by a memory, he wants the real thing.
“Why” Donghae starts but stops because he feels so much all at once, it’s hard to find the right words. “Why didn’t you call? Try to see me? Tell me?”
“You didn’t want to love me” Hyukjae's voice is quiet, small, but confident, and he’s right. That was the last thing Donghae wanted. “You wanted to get over me so, I let you.” Hyukjae’s voice breaks on the last syllable and something inside Donghae breaks.
“I-” he can’t seem to find words. They evade him at crucial times and its funny how he can’t seem to simply say the three words he wants to, needs to say.
But Hyukjae’s not at all at a loss for words and wiping his cheeks, walks towards him, determination on his face. “So what do I have to do? Yell it? Repeat it a thousand times even though you’ve barely said it twice? Say I’m sorry for realizing that I love you too late?” he grabs his face in his hands, hands shaking and eyelashes wet and sticking together “What do you want, Donghae?”
Now that’s a question that requires one word and he can at least say that “You” he pulls him close, their noses brushing “I just want you”
Despite the wet eyes, the tip of his nose is red, and the hiccup that makes his chest shake, a small smile spreads across his lips “I’m yours” he exhales slowly, lowering his hands from his face to his neck “Now, are you gonna hurry up and kiss me or what?”
The laughter that erupts from Donghae’s lips is actually genuine this time. He holds Hyukjae's face in between his hands the way Hyukjae holds his heart in his, brings him closer
“I may be controlling but you sure are the bossy one”
Hyukjae raises his eyebrow moves his face back when he leans in “You’re lucky I love you or else I’d kick you out of here”
“Yeah, I’m lucky” Donghae grabs his chin, narrows his eyes but keeps them soft “Now, shut up and let me kiss you”
And he does.
The next morning, he wakes up to a gummy smile that’s actually there, not one he imagines and is no longer haunted. And three words are uttered twice between them, quietly, intimately in the last hours of the morning.
*