Fingers laced until the sun falls from the sky
Title: Fingers laced until the sun falls from the sky
Pairing: Donghae/Eunhyuk
Rating: PG-13
Summary: They stumble, they crawl. They slip, they fall. That’s the easy part. It’s getting up again what’s so difficult. It’s in the hard times, when they show imperfections, they learn both who they are and whose hand they can hold to lead through numbing movement and blinding sound.
Notes: For tees2mai
fingers laced until the sun falls from the sky
Hands held tight. Bodies slightly shaking, clinging on for dear life. The sounds grow louder; the movement is blindly fast.
Hyukjae can feel the vibrations around them. His body flinches when he’s sure they’ll get hit.
‘I’m scared’ he says, finally voicing the truth.
‘I know’ Donghae answers, holding his hand tighter. ‘I’m scared too’ his voice grows louder as the piercing continuous sound increases. ‘Don’t let go’
‘I won’t’ Hyukjae says back, although he’s not sure he can keep his promise. Swearing to himself even if he slips he’ll hold onto Donghae. Because if he lets go, Hyukjae is unsure he’ll be able to hold onto himself.
~*~
‘I don’t think I can do this anymore’
Hyukjae drops down onto the floor covered in sweat. Colors dance in front of his eyes. He can’t get enough air into his body. He’s reached his limit, he realizes.
‘We’ve been at it for a few hours. Enough for today’ Donghae, long hair in a small ponytail, sits next to him two water bottles in hand, one handed off to Hyukjae.
‘No. I mean being a trainee’ Hyukjae explains. Donghae looks shocked, even more than when they’d thought they’d seen a ghost in this very practice room. ‘I feel like I’m falling behind. Like everyone has a better shot at this than me.’ Hyukjae gets up, the heat radiating from the floor burning him. ‘I can barely sing. I’m awkward. I’m not even good looking. I’d only hold back whatever group I get put in’ he’s ranting,
Hyukjae knows it. Close to loosing his mind. Too much pressure. Too much expectation. Too much disappointment. ‘What if this is all for nothing? Like all I’m doing is wasting money and time and I never debut. Or I’m taking the spot of someone who actual should be here?’
‘Hyukjae’ Donghae’s voice is soft. Hyukjae hasn’t known Donghae very long, but he knows he doesn’t it isn’t very often. ‘Do you want this?’
‘What?’ Hyukjae turns around facing him, the seriousness in Donghae’s eyes surprising him.
‘Do you want this?’ he emphasizes.
With nothing but reflecting mirrors, a cloud backdrop and Donghae to hear him, Hyukjae sighs. ‘For as long as I can remember’
Donghae smiles. It’s all innocence and dreams and it tugs at Hyukjae’s heart strings. ‘Then you deserve this more than anyone.’
The honesty and confidence Donghae transmits seeps into Hyukjae like the confidence his parents gave him to debut and he thinks maybe it’s okay to think he has a shot at greatness.
~*~
‘Eunhyuk’
‘I like it’ Donghae offers, thrown on Hyukjae’s bed flipping the pages of one of his mangas.
‘It’ll have to do. My name’s already taken’ Hyukjae, from the desk chair, spins around in circles. The room is a blur of fast colors, bits and pieces of Donghae flashing before his eyes.
‘You do shine when you dance’ Donghae laughs, setting the manga apart. He folds his legs underneath him, picking at a loose string in Hyukjae’s comforter. ‘Hey. Can I uhmm, sleep here tonight?’
Hyukjae hooks his foot around the leg of his desk to stop spinning, eyebrows shot up.
‘I know it’s weird’ Donghae says looking at the pattern of the bed. ‘But my roommate’s gone for the night and I just- I’m homesick I guess and I rather not be alone.’
‘Sure’ Donghae is his friend and Hyukjae doesn’t see anything wrong with it. My roommate's gone as well so you can take his bed.’
Donghae gives a small smile and nods. Hyukjae can sense he’s holding something back. Hyukjae sits next to him on the bed, grabbing his hand from yanking his comforter apart.
‘What?’
‘It’s just’ he laughs nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. ‘I meant sleep with you’ Donghae looks up at him when Hyukjae pulls his hand off of his like on reflex. ‘Sleep sleep! I- Back home’ Donghae bites his lip. ‘Forget it’
Hyukjae thinks about all the times Donghae has told him he feels lonely. How he misses his father and his home and Mokpo. The warmth he grew up with what felt like millions of miles away. And Hyukjae understands why Donghae needs to feel someone else.
Hyukjae stands up and peels back his comforter. He strips until he’s in his boxers, pulling on a t-shirt, Donghae watching him with wide eyes. “You going to sleep in jeans?” he asks, lying down.
Donghae looks surprised, as if Hyukjae has grown two extra heads and turned purple, but repeats his actions, turning the light off before they’re lying side by side. Hyukjae’s never shared a bed before, the added weight new to his body. But he tells himself to just get used to it.
He’s soon off in dreamland, bright colors and even brighter lights swirling behind his closed eyelids. The last thing he hears is the quiet sound of the fan and the even quieter ‘thank you’ whispered in the darkness.
~*~
It hits Hyukjae not like a ton of bricks or a slap in the face. It’s worse, because he saw it coming. Knew it was going to happen, but couldn’t prevent it so it hurt even more.
‘Hey’
‘Hey’ he says back, not surprised Donghae’s the first one to come find him. The news, Sungmin’s pitied expression, Junsu saying nothing would be different or change. The lack of oxygen. Going outside seemed like the perfect answer. But Hyukjae still can’t seem to get enough air in his body in the middle of a flower filled garden.
‘It’s okay, Hyuk’
‘I know’ he breathes, inhaling cool night air and Donghae’s scent. He realizes how close he and Donghae have become to the extent he can pick out Donghae’s scent in between the different smells of city nights and a room full of trainees.
‘It’s just. We grew up together. We’ve always been together, you know?’ though Donghae doesn’t really know.
But he smiles like he does and listens to Hyukjae try to make sense of it all until he interrupts him, hand placed over his. ‘It’s okay to miss him. It’s okay to be sad. It’s even okay to be a little jealous’
His head shoots up and he goes to deny it, but Donghae’s eyes are understanding, not judging and Hyukjae’s biting his lip so harshly he can feel the bruise in his heart. ‘I’m happy for him. He’s my best friend, but… doesn’t that make me an awful person?’
‘It makes you human’ then Donghae smiles and slips his fingers around Hyukjae’s. ‘Lee Hyukjae, you and I will be best friends, I think’ he sentences and Hyukjae smiles funny because no one has ever told him he’ll be his friend, let alone his best friend.
He takes it as a sign. That and how seamlessly his fingers seem to fit together with Donghae’s, palms warm, comforting against his own.
~*~
‘This is it. It’s our time’ Leeteuk says over the ruckus of the dressing room. Huge hair and ridiculously dressed, all 11 boys stare at their eldest as if hanging off his words. Even Heechul for once looks nervous; he digs his fingernails into Hangeng’s arm who wisely doesn’t protest.
‘You’re going to be amazing, Eunhyuk’ Donghae whispers to him before they’re about to go onstage.
Hyukjae jerks at the name coming from that voice. It sounds… off. But he smiles and whispers the same thing back, their hands giving a final squeeze before letting go.
It’s over before they notice. Their first performance as a group. As a whole. As Super Junior. And no other performance will match it.
‘My heart is beating so fast I think it’s gonna explode’ Donghae laughs holding his hand to his chest. ‘Here. Feel it.’ He grabs Hyukjae’s hand and places it over his heart. Hyukjae’s fingers shake slightly, the adrenaline still rushing through him, and he feels Donghae’s heart as if it were beating in his hand.
‘Call me Hyukjae’ he smiles when Donghae tilts his head, the imagery of holding a heart in his hand surreal. ‘To them I’m Eunhyuk. With you, I just want to be Hyukjae’
~*~
‘Thirteen is an unlucky number’
‘Stupid superstition’
‘It’s scientifically proven’ Hyukjae insists, though he really doesn’t know if that’s true or not. ‘Besides, you more than anyone should believe that’
Donghae rolls his eyes. ‘Just because I believe in aliens, doesn’t mean I own an Ouija board and run away from black cats’
The kitchen is quiet. The rest of the members sleeping probably since it’s past midnight and they all have early schedule. A carton of strawberry milk sits between them on the table, the clock ticks in the pauses of worried stares and apprehensive lips.
‘Everything will be different. You get that right?’
‘It doesn’t have to change us’ Donghae says simply, distracting Hyukjae by drinking from his glass. He lets out an outraged cry and Donghae shushes him laughing and that he should be used to him taking his drink or food. Donghae thinks it’ll teach Hyukjae to stop being so stingy since he obviously skipped ‘how to share’ in pre school.
When the light is turned off and they fall into Hyukjae’s bed, Donghae too tired to go all the way to his own room, and Hyukjae falls asleep to Donghae’s voice.
‘Thirteen is an unlucky number. But maybe we can make it lucky’
~*~
It’s disturbing, really. The silence is. And Hyukjae doesn’t know what to do.
Donghae won’t speak. He just lies there, curled into himself. Shielding himself from everything and everyone.
‘Donghae’ he calls cautiously with no idea what to say. ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘it’ll be okay’ won’t be enough. Won’t ever be enough.
A shaky hand rises, silently asking silence.
For days all Donghae hears are screams in his head. Harsh pounding in his skull and he wants it to stop.
He stretches his hand towards Hyukjae, Hyukjae stares at it dumbly until Donghae wiggles his finger and he gets the message.
No useless empty words or comfort. No crushing hug. No heart wrenching yell.
Hyukjae doesn’t let go of his hand until Donghae tells him it’s okay to and even then he doesn’t. That’s all Donghae really needs. For now at least.
~*~
Absence of color. Behind his eyes, that’s all he sees. He thinks he hears some yells but he’s not sure.
He’s running. Faster and faster he goes. But the hand holding onto his never lets go.
And he holds back with all his might and the colors slowly come back. The voices come into focus and he sees.
~*~
‘I’m fine. Really’
There’s a shuffle but no answer.
‘You heard the doctor. Just a couple of injuries but I’m fine. Kyuhyun’s the one who’ he stops to breathe, his voice shaking, loosing volume. He closes his eyes and sees it replayed in his head. He wonders if one thing would have been different.
If they’d been going slower. If Kyuhyun hadn’t sat in that seat. If they’d left a few minutes before or after. If Donghae had been in the car. And Hyukjae stops wondering.
Too many ‘if’s’ in his head. He looks at Donghae, and he’s never seen someone look so small. ‘Come here’
Donghae curls into Hyukjae and Hyukjae curls into Donghae and there’s really not much else to do except hold each other and wait.
‘I already lost someone I love, Hyuk. I don’t think I can loose another one’ Donghae says quietly before he starts sobbing. ‘I can’t loose you’
‘I’m here. You won’t loose me’ Hyukjae whispers into Donghae’s hair, feels Donghae’s tears fall on his arm.
Hyukjae’s never been one to stop his own tears, feels the pressure build beneath his eyelids and he feels hopeless as they both soak the shoulder they lean on.
~*~
‘Let’s go back’
‘Why?’
Hyukjae snorts, tip of his nose red, hair sneaking out from underneath his beanie. The air is freezing cold, the night quiet.
Donghae steps away from the bridge overlooking the river and goes to where Hyukjae stands underneath a tree. ‘It’s not so bad. Besides, tonight’s the first snow fall. I thought you wanted to see it’
Blowing over his hands, Hyukjae shivers. ‘I meant from the window or something.’
With a laugh, Donghae pinches his nose and starts removing his own gloves. ‘But it’s more special this way’ he smiles at Hyukjae’s snort and hands him the gloves. ‘Here’
‘What about you?’ Hyukjae asks but puts them on anyways.
Donghae shrugs and comes closer until he slips his hands into Hyukjae’s coat pockets, pulling Hyukjae against his body. Hyukjae narrows his eyes but his hands find themselves in the pockets of Donghae’s coat. It keeps them warmer this way, he reasons. It also keeps them closer, he realizes.
When the snow starts falling, it speckles Donghae’s hair and Hyukjae’s eyelashes, street lights reflecting off of them.
‘This will be a good year. I can feel it’ Donghae says quietly. Burying his nose in Hyukjae’s snow dotted hair and skin, he seeks the warmth of his neck.
Blanketed by snow, keeping each other warm on a freezing night that marks a new season, a new start, Hyukjae has a good feeling about the times to come as well.
~*~
Donghae sighs at Hyukjae’s expression. It only makes all this harder for him.
‘Hyuk’
‘Hmm?’
‘Talk to me’
Hyukjae frowns, looking up from his computer screen. ‘About what?’
Donghae knows him. He knows Hyukjae doesn’t like change. He doesn’t like to air out how he feels. They’ve fought about it before. Still do, Siwon playing referee to their fights. But Donghae has learned to get used to it. He accepts Hyukjae the way he accepts Donghae, and that includes compromising. But Donghae can’t take this fake indifference.
‘I’m fine. Seriously’ Hyukjae goes back to the monitor, fluorescent colors bighting his vision.
‘It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.’ We’ll be okay, Donghae almost says but he’s not sure if he means ‘we’ as in super junior or ‘we’ as in Hyukjae and Donghae.
He smiles and Donghae wants to slap that smile off his face. That same smile he gives at interviews. When he flirts. When he really wants to cry. It’s Eunhyuk’s smile, not Hyukjae’s. Never Hyukjae’s.
Donghae gets off the bed, figuring Hyukjae just wants to be alone. At the door he stops ‘I’ll always come back’ to you, he adds silently and shuts the door.
When Hyukjae comes to his room that night, Donghae pretends to be asleep letting Hyukjae press into his chest and take most of the pillow. Donghae curls his arm over Hyukjae’s waist, nose fit against his nape and he breaths him in.
Wondering if there’s some way to bottle Hyukjae’s scent so he can take it with him to China.
~*~
He feels himself slip. Palms clammy, he can’t seem to grasp Donghae’s hand hard enough.
The sounds grow louder, it’s only sound he knows anymore. They go faster and faster until Donghae becomes a blur and Hyukjae can barely see him.
‘Hold on’ Donghae yells when he feels the pressure on his hand lessen.
Hyukjae side steps, he looses his balance. And for a second all his hand touches is air.
~*~
Donghae sits on the window sill of his dorm room in China. For the first time, he has his own room. He can hear Kyuhyun’s video game, Zhoumi yelling exasperated at him in Mandarin. The strings of Henry’s violin fly throughout the apartment. The others somewhere within these walls.
He looks down at his cellphone screen. Blank. He knows he’s busy. And it’s not like Donghae has much time to think about him either. It’s only at times like these. At night when he feels that need that every person feels. To be held. To be warm and protected.
With a sigh, Donghae starts practicing his mandarin against the window and he lets his self drift off to another time.
He remembers.
Sun that lasted for days. Colors of every shade of the rainbow, far more than his crayon box. The sound and smell of the seashore. Clouds in the shape of castles and dragons. Spinning until he was too dizzy to stand on his own two feet. Warm arms to catch him when he stumbled.
Days of innocence. Of blind trust in the world and its people.
The moon was made of cheese back then, and the universe was filled with strange creatures that would take them on a space ship and help him touch the stars. He’d dream of going there one day and meet them. Even asked his father once to help him build a rocket ship. His father, bless his soul, had laughed kindly, the sound reverberating throughout Donghae like a thick coat, and promised him they would, some day.
Some day never came; maybe it wasn’t meant to.
Donghae no longer believes the moon is made out of cheese; aliens either. Even so, he is known as the alien loving enthusiast of the group and he pretends he still does. Sometimes catches himself thinking it’s true deep down. It might seem silly and it probably is. But Donghae rather believe in imaginary beings that he can’t see, can’t hurt him. He’s not sure he believes in the ones from his own planet.
The sound of Hangeng calling him for dinner brings him back and he realizes he’s written ‘Yin He’ on the window.
~*~
‘How is it you can’t even say where the bathroom is and yet you know all those pick up lines?’
‘I know how to say other things’
The conversation dwindles until they seem to run out of things to say, quickly finding something else to say if silence lasts too long.
‘I miss you’ Donghae says softly.
‘I miss you too’ Hyukjae answers after a pause and a deep breath.
When they both hang up, they both know there was one subject carefully avoided like an elephant squeezing between them on the phone line.
~*~
They’re back for a short break and while Donghae wants to crash into unconsciousness, he heads to the floor beneath his.
Donghae doesn’t knock. He never has and feels no need to start now. Quietly, he twists the knob, the door making an eerie creaking sound as he pushes it open. Donghae doesn’t come in the room however, some unsettling feeling keeping him at bay. Folding his arms across his chest and leaning against the door frame, he sighs and waits.
Across from him on the floor, his knees bent, one arm haphazardly thrown over them, Hyukjae sits.
Silence envelops them, both stares unwavering until Hyukjae sighs lifting his arm off his knees to run his hand through his hair. 'If you’re here to say I told you so, you can save it.'
Donghae shakes his head, deciding to remain silent. His gaze softens when Hyukjae shifts on the hard floor, drawing his knees against his chest tighter as if protecting himself from a possible attack.
'You plan on standing there all day or you gonna come in?' he bites out, irritated. But Donghae takes it in stride, closing the door behind him once he’s inside.
He doesn’t wait for an invitation to sit, simply slides down the wall next to Hyukjae. The silence stretches long and it seems to suffocate them. Donghae doesn’t try to break it, used to Hyukjae’s silence for a few months now.
Hyukjae opens his mouth to speak, so he can make Donghae understand, but can’t find the words. Donghae doesn’t try to find them for him. Doesn’t try to complete his sentence like he usually does, in that freaky best friend way that Hyukjae both is annoyed by and thankful for. So he says 'You were right'
'If it helps, I wanted to be wrong'
'Yeah. I wanted you to be wrong too' He sighs for what seems like the millionth time, harsh and drawn out. 'But I think I knew you were right all along.'
'That would be a first' Donghae says, trying to make a joke and he succeeds when Hyukjae gives a small smile, barely there to be considered a smile. But the corners of his lips upturn slightly and that’s enough for Donghae. 'That was really stupid' he says seriously after a moment, gesturing to Hyukjae’s injured hand.
Self conscious, Hyukjae grips it with his uninjured hand, as if he can hide the cast from Donghae’s view.
'I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff too' Donghae says carefully, slowly. Telling Hyukjae that it’s all right.
With a grin, he gets up and going over to Hyukjae’s desk, pushes papers a side, opening and closing drawers with a bang, making a scrambling mess of everything. With an ‘aha’ he comes back to Hyukjae, this time crossing his legs in front of him, he presents a marker and grabs Hyukjae’s arm.
Hyukjae rolls his eyes at the picture of a monkey and fish on his cast but he smiles his first real smile in months.
~*~
‘You let go’ Hyukjae accuses.
‘I know. I’m sorry’ Donghae says.
Fingers laced, cutting circulation almost, they cling on tighter as the movement around them grows faster. Avoiding impact by an inch but not letting go.
‘I won’t do it again’
Hyukjae decides to trust him again, but he never really stopped.
~*~
One member less, but they’re together as one. They sing about being ‘sorry sorry’ and how ‘it’s you’. Present themselves in the transition from boys to men.
It’s different and kind of scary. The thought of growing up. They’ve been “adults” for years but it still hasn’t kicked in. Still acting most of the time like they’re twelve and not twenty-three.
‘Don’t you think we’re a little old for this?’ Donghae asks as they lie on Hyukjae’s bed.
‘You’re the one who keeps sneaking in here’ Hyukjae points out.
‘You don’t seem to mind’ Donghae argues.
They both roll on to their sides; stare at each other with knotted brows. The bed is small, Hyukjae almost falls into the wall, Donghae’s leg slips off the mattress if they move too much.
Hyukjae brushes the hair falling in Donghae’s eyes, tucking some strands behind his ear. ‘I think it’d be weirder if we didn’t. I promise to kick you out as soon as it starts annoying me’
‘That’s all I ask’ Donghae smiles, hand running circles over Hyukjae’s back, smoothing out the fabric of his t-shirt. ‘I can always sneak back in after you’ve fallen asleep’
~*~
Jeju is pretty in autumn. It’s probably pretty year round, but Donghae likes thinking it’s especially nice just for them.
‘Eeteuk is probably wondering where we are. And he’ll be pissed we left him out’
‘Nah. I bet he didn’t even notice we’re gone. He was dead tired when we got to the hotel so he’ll be out like a light ‘till tomorrow’
They can hear the sounds of the ocean envelope them from where they are, lying on a hill across the hotel. Night sky tinted with scarlet and violet, they watch stars, keeping an eye out for a shooting star for Donghae to wish on.
‘Thanks, Hyukjae’
Hyukjae turns to look at him, the sea breeze running through their hair partially hiding Donghae’s face from his view. Trying to come up with a way for forgetting Donghae’s past birthday, a trip seemed like the perfect idea. But apparently, they needed a babysitter and Leeteuk needed a vacation, so he’d come along as well.
‘Let’s stay here’ Donghae says, his hand feeling around for Hyukjae’s. He finds it and their fingers wrap around each other’s. ‘For tonight, let’s just lay here’
The temperature could drop, a million things could happen. But Hyukjae agrees, and he holds onto his hand. And when that shooting star does appear, Hyukjae wishes on it with him knowing they’re probably wishing for the same thing.
~*~
‘We’re falling apart aren’t we?’
Donghae’s voice is filled with static over the line that carries his voice all the way from China.
Hyukjae wants to agree. Let himself cry because things are changing.
But that’s not what either needs at the moment. They need to be stronger in their weak moments, Hyukjae has learned.
So for once, he’s the one who gives Donghae a little faith. ‘We can never fall apart, Hae. We’ll get through this’
And Hyukjae hopes with all his might that he’s right.
~*~
They come back and they don’t know for how long. Donghae realizes he misses China. Despite the hard times, it sort of became a second home for him.
China has Zhoumi and Henry, and paper lanterns and the view outside his window and, now, Hangeng.
But Korea has Hyukjae and while nothing will be the same again, he’s glad to be home.
~*~
Hyukjae stares at his reflection. He’s changed over the years. He’s grown. His body is evidence of those changes, from the thin figure of a boy, to the stronger worked frame of a man.
‘I get that you’re hot now, but you’ve got to stop staring at yourself all the time’
He looks at Donghae standing at the bathroom door through the mirror, eyebrows raised. ‘We changed. You said we wouldn’t’
Donghae regards him for a second before walking towards Hyukjae. Standing behind him, he places his hands on Hyukjae’s bare skin, feathering over his torso. Fingers slipping beneath the waistband of his pants to grip his hips. ‘We grew up. We did it together’
Hyukjae bites his lip, watching Donghae’s arms against him. Also no longer a boy, Donghae changed right there with him. As their bodies grew stronger, so did their friendship.
Resting his head on his shoulder, Donghae smiles. ‘Just because the packaging changed, doesn’t mean the contents did’ he lifts a hand to tug Hyukjae’s hair as if to emphasize his point. Hyukjae elbows him, hard. Laughing, Donghae holds him harder before letting go.
Eyes look into the reflection of eyes. ‘You and I are still the same, Hyuk’
‘Not exactly the same’ Hyukjae says, eyebrow raised.
Donghae smirks slightly, maybe a little smug ‘No, not exactly’ he echoes. ‘Come on. I’m hungry’ He tugs on his hand, leading him towards the kitchen, barely giving Hyukjae a chance to grab his shirt.
~*~
‘Shit’
Donghae looks over from his computer, various windows open on screen.
Hyukjae smiles sheepishly, squeezing his thumb. ‘Paper cut’
Donghae goes to where Hyukjae sits, papers scattered over the bed, countless pens and recorders. ‘Let me see’ he holds his finger and lowers his head to carefully inspect it. Hyukjae laughs when he looks up at him from underneath his lashes and kisses his finger. ‘There. All better’
‘I’m still not sure about the name’
‘Yeah?’ Donghae takes the paper from Hyukjae’s hand ‘a short journey’ written in messy Hangeul at the top. There, on the corner of the page, a faint smear of blood barely visible.
Tilting his head, Donghae takes it as a sign. ‘I think it’s perfect. Life is made up of short journeys. This is just one of them’
One of many he wants to go through with Hyukjae.
~*~
It seemed scarier than what it really was. Feeling more than once like they wouldn’t make it, they survived.
They’re safe now. Reached safe ground dividing the next row of speeding cars.
‘It’s okay now, I think’ Donghae says smiling at Hyukjae. ‘To let go. You can if you want to’
Hyukjae knows it. They’ve come this far. They can be on their own.
But when Donghae’s hand starts to let go, Hyukjae grabs it at the last second.
‘I don’t need to hold on anymore’ he entwines his fingers with Donghae’s, not as tight as before, just secure. ‘But I don’t want to let go’
‘So don’t’ Donghae says as if it’s that simple and maybe it is.
They leave behind what was in order for what will be, with a quick squeeze setting off on a new run, knowing they might make the same mistakes.
Telling each other it’s okay to fall. As long as they get back up. Its part of growing up Hyukjae and Donghae know. They still have years of growing ahead of them. Knowing that eventually they might have to let go.
But it’s okay if they do.
They’ll always be able to hold on again, that hand only a stretch of arms away.
~*~
a/n: this fic is slightly inspired by Imogen Heap's 'Speeding cars' but i sort of run off with the idea :S. I hope Tee likes this, although idk if this is worth the leprechauns or the pot of gold or the rainbow D:
Pairing: Donghae/Eunhyuk
Rating: PG-13
Summary: They stumble, they crawl. They slip, they fall. That’s the easy part. It’s getting up again what’s so difficult. It’s in the hard times, when they show imperfections, they learn both who they are and whose hand they can hold to lead through numbing movement and blinding sound.
Notes: For tees2mai
fingers laced until the sun falls from the sky
Hands held tight. Bodies slightly shaking, clinging on for dear life. The sounds grow louder; the movement is blindly fast.
Hyukjae can feel the vibrations around them. His body flinches when he’s sure they’ll get hit.
‘I’m scared’ he says, finally voicing the truth.
‘I know’ Donghae answers, holding his hand tighter. ‘I’m scared too’ his voice grows louder as the piercing continuous sound increases. ‘Don’t let go’
‘I won’t’ Hyukjae says back, although he’s not sure he can keep his promise. Swearing to himself even if he slips he’ll hold onto Donghae. Because if he lets go, Hyukjae is unsure he’ll be able to hold onto himself.
~*~
‘I don’t think I can do this anymore’
Hyukjae drops down onto the floor covered in sweat. Colors dance in front of his eyes. He can’t get enough air into his body. He’s reached his limit, he realizes.
‘We’ve been at it for a few hours. Enough for today’ Donghae, long hair in a small ponytail, sits next to him two water bottles in hand, one handed off to Hyukjae.
‘No. I mean being a trainee’ Hyukjae explains. Donghae looks shocked, even more than when they’d thought they’d seen a ghost in this very practice room. ‘I feel like I’m falling behind. Like everyone has a better shot at this than me.’ Hyukjae gets up, the heat radiating from the floor burning him. ‘I can barely sing. I’m awkward. I’m not even good looking. I’d only hold back whatever group I get put in’ he’s ranting,
Hyukjae knows it. Close to loosing his mind. Too much pressure. Too much expectation. Too much disappointment. ‘What if this is all for nothing? Like all I’m doing is wasting money and time and I never debut. Or I’m taking the spot of someone who actual should be here?’
‘Hyukjae’ Donghae’s voice is soft. Hyukjae hasn’t known Donghae very long, but he knows he doesn’t it isn’t very often. ‘Do you want this?’
‘What?’ Hyukjae turns around facing him, the seriousness in Donghae’s eyes surprising him.
‘Do you want this?’ he emphasizes.
With nothing but reflecting mirrors, a cloud backdrop and Donghae to hear him, Hyukjae sighs. ‘For as long as I can remember’
Donghae smiles. It’s all innocence and dreams and it tugs at Hyukjae’s heart strings. ‘Then you deserve this more than anyone.’
The honesty and confidence Donghae transmits seeps into Hyukjae like the confidence his parents gave him to debut and he thinks maybe it’s okay to think he has a shot at greatness.
~*~
‘Eunhyuk’
‘I like it’ Donghae offers, thrown on Hyukjae’s bed flipping the pages of one of his mangas.
‘It’ll have to do. My name’s already taken’ Hyukjae, from the desk chair, spins around in circles. The room is a blur of fast colors, bits and pieces of Donghae flashing before his eyes.
‘You do shine when you dance’ Donghae laughs, setting the manga apart. He folds his legs underneath him, picking at a loose string in Hyukjae’s comforter. ‘Hey. Can I uhmm, sleep here tonight?’
Hyukjae hooks his foot around the leg of his desk to stop spinning, eyebrows shot up.
‘I know it’s weird’ Donghae says looking at the pattern of the bed. ‘But my roommate’s gone for the night and I just- I’m homesick I guess and I rather not be alone.’
‘Sure’ Donghae is his friend and Hyukjae doesn’t see anything wrong with it. My roommate's gone as well so you can take his bed.’
Donghae gives a small smile and nods. Hyukjae can sense he’s holding something back. Hyukjae sits next to him on the bed, grabbing his hand from yanking his comforter apart.
‘What?’
‘It’s just’ he laughs nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. ‘I meant sleep with you’ Donghae looks up at him when Hyukjae pulls his hand off of his like on reflex. ‘Sleep sleep! I- Back home’ Donghae bites his lip. ‘Forget it’
Hyukjae thinks about all the times Donghae has told him he feels lonely. How he misses his father and his home and Mokpo. The warmth he grew up with what felt like millions of miles away. And Hyukjae understands why Donghae needs to feel someone else.
Hyukjae stands up and peels back his comforter. He strips until he’s in his boxers, pulling on a t-shirt, Donghae watching him with wide eyes. “You going to sleep in jeans?” he asks, lying down.
Donghae looks surprised, as if Hyukjae has grown two extra heads and turned purple, but repeats his actions, turning the light off before they’re lying side by side. Hyukjae’s never shared a bed before, the added weight new to his body. But he tells himself to just get used to it.
He’s soon off in dreamland, bright colors and even brighter lights swirling behind his closed eyelids. The last thing he hears is the quiet sound of the fan and the even quieter ‘thank you’ whispered in the darkness.
~*~
It hits Hyukjae not like a ton of bricks or a slap in the face. It’s worse, because he saw it coming. Knew it was going to happen, but couldn’t prevent it so it hurt even more.
‘Hey’
‘Hey’ he says back, not surprised Donghae’s the first one to come find him. The news, Sungmin’s pitied expression, Junsu saying nothing would be different or change. The lack of oxygen. Going outside seemed like the perfect answer. But Hyukjae still can’t seem to get enough air in his body in the middle of a flower filled garden.
‘It’s okay, Hyuk’
‘I know’ he breathes, inhaling cool night air and Donghae’s scent. He realizes how close he and Donghae have become to the extent he can pick out Donghae’s scent in between the different smells of city nights and a room full of trainees.
‘It’s just. We grew up together. We’ve always been together, you know?’ though Donghae doesn’t really know.
But he smiles like he does and listens to Hyukjae try to make sense of it all until he interrupts him, hand placed over his. ‘It’s okay to miss him. It’s okay to be sad. It’s even okay to be a little jealous’
His head shoots up and he goes to deny it, but Donghae’s eyes are understanding, not judging and Hyukjae’s biting his lip so harshly he can feel the bruise in his heart. ‘I’m happy for him. He’s my best friend, but… doesn’t that make me an awful person?’
‘It makes you human’ then Donghae smiles and slips his fingers around Hyukjae’s. ‘Lee Hyukjae, you and I will be best friends, I think’ he sentences and Hyukjae smiles funny because no one has ever told him he’ll be his friend, let alone his best friend.
He takes it as a sign. That and how seamlessly his fingers seem to fit together with Donghae’s, palms warm, comforting against his own.
~*~
‘This is it. It’s our time’ Leeteuk says over the ruckus of the dressing room. Huge hair and ridiculously dressed, all 11 boys stare at their eldest as if hanging off his words. Even Heechul for once looks nervous; he digs his fingernails into Hangeng’s arm who wisely doesn’t protest.
‘You’re going to be amazing, Eunhyuk’ Donghae whispers to him before they’re about to go onstage.
Hyukjae jerks at the name coming from that voice. It sounds… off. But he smiles and whispers the same thing back, their hands giving a final squeeze before letting go.
It’s over before they notice. Their first performance as a group. As a whole. As Super Junior. And no other performance will match it.
‘My heart is beating so fast I think it’s gonna explode’ Donghae laughs holding his hand to his chest. ‘Here. Feel it.’ He grabs Hyukjae’s hand and places it over his heart. Hyukjae’s fingers shake slightly, the adrenaline still rushing through him, and he feels Donghae’s heart as if it were beating in his hand.
‘Call me Hyukjae’ he smiles when Donghae tilts his head, the imagery of holding a heart in his hand surreal. ‘To them I’m Eunhyuk. With you, I just want to be Hyukjae’
~*~
‘Thirteen is an unlucky number’
‘Stupid superstition’
‘It’s scientifically proven’ Hyukjae insists, though he really doesn’t know if that’s true or not. ‘Besides, you more than anyone should believe that’
Donghae rolls his eyes. ‘Just because I believe in aliens, doesn’t mean I own an Ouija board and run away from black cats’
The kitchen is quiet. The rest of the members sleeping probably since it’s past midnight and they all have early schedule. A carton of strawberry milk sits between them on the table, the clock ticks in the pauses of worried stares and apprehensive lips.
‘Everything will be different. You get that right?’
‘It doesn’t have to change us’ Donghae says simply, distracting Hyukjae by drinking from his glass. He lets out an outraged cry and Donghae shushes him laughing and that he should be used to him taking his drink or food. Donghae thinks it’ll teach Hyukjae to stop being so stingy since he obviously skipped ‘how to share’ in pre school.
When the light is turned off and they fall into Hyukjae’s bed, Donghae too tired to go all the way to his own room, and Hyukjae falls asleep to Donghae’s voice.
‘Thirteen is an unlucky number. But maybe we can make it lucky’
~*~
It’s disturbing, really. The silence is. And Hyukjae doesn’t know what to do.
Donghae won’t speak. He just lies there, curled into himself. Shielding himself from everything and everyone.
‘Donghae’ he calls cautiously with no idea what to say. ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘it’ll be okay’ won’t be enough. Won’t ever be enough.
A shaky hand rises, silently asking silence.
For days all Donghae hears are screams in his head. Harsh pounding in his skull and he wants it to stop.
He stretches his hand towards Hyukjae, Hyukjae stares at it dumbly until Donghae wiggles his finger and he gets the message.
No useless empty words or comfort. No crushing hug. No heart wrenching yell.
Hyukjae doesn’t let go of his hand until Donghae tells him it’s okay to and even then he doesn’t. That’s all Donghae really needs. For now at least.
~*~
Absence of color. Behind his eyes, that’s all he sees. He thinks he hears some yells but he’s not sure.
He’s running. Faster and faster he goes. But the hand holding onto his never lets go.
And he holds back with all his might and the colors slowly come back. The voices come into focus and he sees.
~*~
‘I’m fine. Really’
There’s a shuffle but no answer.
‘You heard the doctor. Just a couple of injuries but I’m fine. Kyuhyun’s the one who’ he stops to breathe, his voice shaking, loosing volume. He closes his eyes and sees it replayed in his head. He wonders if one thing would have been different.
If they’d been going slower. If Kyuhyun hadn’t sat in that seat. If they’d left a few minutes before or after. If Donghae had been in the car. And Hyukjae stops wondering.
Too many ‘if’s’ in his head. He looks at Donghae, and he’s never seen someone look so small. ‘Come here’
Donghae curls into Hyukjae and Hyukjae curls into Donghae and there’s really not much else to do except hold each other and wait.
‘I already lost someone I love, Hyuk. I don’t think I can loose another one’ Donghae says quietly before he starts sobbing. ‘I can’t loose you’
‘I’m here. You won’t loose me’ Hyukjae whispers into Donghae’s hair, feels Donghae’s tears fall on his arm.
Hyukjae’s never been one to stop his own tears, feels the pressure build beneath his eyelids and he feels hopeless as they both soak the shoulder they lean on.
~*~
‘Let’s go back’
‘Why?’
Hyukjae snorts, tip of his nose red, hair sneaking out from underneath his beanie. The air is freezing cold, the night quiet.
Donghae steps away from the bridge overlooking the river and goes to where Hyukjae stands underneath a tree. ‘It’s not so bad. Besides, tonight’s the first snow fall. I thought you wanted to see it’
Blowing over his hands, Hyukjae shivers. ‘I meant from the window or something.’
With a laugh, Donghae pinches his nose and starts removing his own gloves. ‘But it’s more special this way’ he smiles at Hyukjae’s snort and hands him the gloves. ‘Here’
‘What about you?’ Hyukjae asks but puts them on anyways.
Donghae shrugs and comes closer until he slips his hands into Hyukjae’s coat pockets, pulling Hyukjae against his body. Hyukjae narrows his eyes but his hands find themselves in the pockets of Donghae’s coat. It keeps them warmer this way, he reasons. It also keeps them closer, he realizes.
When the snow starts falling, it speckles Donghae’s hair and Hyukjae’s eyelashes, street lights reflecting off of them.
‘This will be a good year. I can feel it’ Donghae says quietly. Burying his nose in Hyukjae’s snow dotted hair and skin, he seeks the warmth of his neck.
Blanketed by snow, keeping each other warm on a freezing night that marks a new season, a new start, Hyukjae has a good feeling about the times to come as well.
~*~
Donghae sighs at Hyukjae’s expression. It only makes all this harder for him.
‘Hyuk’
‘Hmm?’
‘Talk to me’
Hyukjae frowns, looking up from his computer screen. ‘About what?’
Donghae knows him. He knows Hyukjae doesn’t like change. He doesn’t like to air out how he feels. They’ve fought about it before. Still do, Siwon playing referee to their fights. But Donghae has learned to get used to it. He accepts Hyukjae the way he accepts Donghae, and that includes compromising. But Donghae can’t take this fake indifference.
‘I’m fine. Seriously’ Hyukjae goes back to the monitor, fluorescent colors bighting his vision.
‘It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.’ We’ll be okay, Donghae almost says but he’s not sure if he means ‘we’ as in super junior or ‘we’ as in Hyukjae and Donghae.
He smiles and Donghae wants to slap that smile off his face. That same smile he gives at interviews. When he flirts. When he really wants to cry. It’s Eunhyuk’s smile, not Hyukjae’s. Never Hyukjae’s.
Donghae gets off the bed, figuring Hyukjae just wants to be alone. At the door he stops ‘I’ll always come back’ to you, he adds silently and shuts the door.
When Hyukjae comes to his room that night, Donghae pretends to be asleep letting Hyukjae press into his chest and take most of the pillow. Donghae curls his arm over Hyukjae’s waist, nose fit against his nape and he breaths him in.
Wondering if there’s some way to bottle Hyukjae’s scent so he can take it with him to China.
~*~
He feels himself slip. Palms clammy, he can’t seem to grasp Donghae’s hand hard enough.
The sounds grow louder, it’s only sound he knows anymore. They go faster and faster until Donghae becomes a blur and Hyukjae can barely see him.
‘Hold on’ Donghae yells when he feels the pressure on his hand lessen.
Hyukjae side steps, he looses his balance. And for a second all his hand touches is air.
~*~
Donghae sits on the window sill of his dorm room in China. For the first time, he has his own room. He can hear Kyuhyun’s video game, Zhoumi yelling exasperated at him in Mandarin. The strings of Henry’s violin fly throughout the apartment. The others somewhere within these walls.
He looks down at his cellphone screen. Blank. He knows he’s busy. And it’s not like Donghae has much time to think about him either. It’s only at times like these. At night when he feels that need that every person feels. To be held. To be warm and protected.
With a sigh, Donghae starts practicing his mandarin against the window and he lets his self drift off to another time.
He remembers.
Sun that lasted for days. Colors of every shade of the rainbow, far more than his crayon box. The sound and smell of the seashore. Clouds in the shape of castles and dragons. Spinning until he was too dizzy to stand on his own two feet. Warm arms to catch him when he stumbled.
Days of innocence. Of blind trust in the world and its people.
The moon was made of cheese back then, and the universe was filled with strange creatures that would take them on a space ship and help him touch the stars. He’d dream of going there one day and meet them. Even asked his father once to help him build a rocket ship. His father, bless his soul, had laughed kindly, the sound reverberating throughout Donghae like a thick coat, and promised him they would, some day.
Some day never came; maybe it wasn’t meant to.
Donghae no longer believes the moon is made out of cheese; aliens either. Even so, he is known as the alien loving enthusiast of the group and he pretends he still does. Sometimes catches himself thinking it’s true deep down. It might seem silly and it probably is. But Donghae rather believe in imaginary beings that he can’t see, can’t hurt him. He’s not sure he believes in the ones from his own planet.
The sound of Hangeng calling him for dinner brings him back and he realizes he’s written ‘Yin He’ on the window.
~*~
‘How is it you can’t even say where the bathroom is and yet you know all those pick up lines?’
‘I know how to say other things’
The conversation dwindles until they seem to run out of things to say, quickly finding something else to say if silence lasts too long.
‘I miss you’ Donghae says softly.
‘I miss you too’ Hyukjae answers after a pause and a deep breath.
When they both hang up, they both know there was one subject carefully avoided like an elephant squeezing between them on the phone line.
~*~
They’re back for a short break and while Donghae wants to crash into unconsciousness, he heads to the floor beneath his.
Donghae doesn’t knock. He never has and feels no need to start now. Quietly, he twists the knob, the door making an eerie creaking sound as he pushes it open. Donghae doesn’t come in the room however, some unsettling feeling keeping him at bay. Folding his arms across his chest and leaning against the door frame, he sighs and waits.
Across from him on the floor, his knees bent, one arm haphazardly thrown over them, Hyukjae sits.
Silence envelops them, both stares unwavering until Hyukjae sighs lifting his arm off his knees to run his hand through his hair. 'If you’re here to say I told you so, you can save it.'
Donghae shakes his head, deciding to remain silent. His gaze softens when Hyukjae shifts on the hard floor, drawing his knees against his chest tighter as if protecting himself from a possible attack.
'You plan on standing there all day or you gonna come in?' he bites out, irritated. But Donghae takes it in stride, closing the door behind him once he’s inside.
He doesn’t wait for an invitation to sit, simply slides down the wall next to Hyukjae. The silence stretches long and it seems to suffocate them. Donghae doesn’t try to break it, used to Hyukjae’s silence for a few months now.
Hyukjae opens his mouth to speak, so he can make Donghae understand, but can’t find the words. Donghae doesn’t try to find them for him. Doesn’t try to complete his sentence like he usually does, in that freaky best friend way that Hyukjae both is annoyed by and thankful for. So he says 'You were right'
'If it helps, I wanted to be wrong'
'Yeah. I wanted you to be wrong too' He sighs for what seems like the millionth time, harsh and drawn out. 'But I think I knew you were right all along.'
'That would be a first' Donghae says, trying to make a joke and he succeeds when Hyukjae gives a small smile, barely there to be considered a smile. But the corners of his lips upturn slightly and that’s enough for Donghae. 'That was really stupid' he says seriously after a moment, gesturing to Hyukjae’s injured hand.
Self conscious, Hyukjae grips it with his uninjured hand, as if he can hide the cast from Donghae’s view.
'I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff too' Donghae says carefully, slowly. Telling Hyukjae that it’s all right.
With a grin, he gets up and going over to Hyukjae’s desk, pushes papers a side, opening and closing drawers with a bang, making a scrambling mess of everything. With an ‘aha’ he comes back to Hyukjae, this time crossing his legs in front of him, he presents a marker and grabs Hyukjae’s arm.
Hyukjae rolls his eyes at the picture of a monkey and fish on his cast but he smiles his first real smile in months.
~*~
‘You let go’ Hyukjae accuses.
‘I know. I’m sorry’ Donghae says.
Fingers laced, cutting circulation almost, they cling on tighter as the movement around them grows faster. Avoiding impact by an inch but not letting go.
‘I won’t do it again’
Hyukjae decides to trust him again, but he never really stopped.
~*~
One member less, but they’re together as one. They sing about being ‘sorry sorry’ and how ‘it’s you’. Present themselves in the transition from boys to men.
It’s different and kind of scary. The thought of growing up. They’ve been “adults” for years but it still hasn’t kicked in. Still acting most of the time like they’re twelve and not twenty-three.
‘Don’t you think we’re a little old for this?’ Donghae asks as they lie on Hyukjae’s bed.
‘You’re the one who keeps sneaking in here’ Hyukjae points out.
‘You don’t seem to mind’ Donghae argues.
They both roll on to their sides; stare at each other with knotted brows. The bed is small, Hyukjae almost falls into the wall, Donghae’s leg slips off the mattress if they move too much.
Hyukjae brushes the hair falling in Donghae’s eyes, tucking some strands behind his ear. ‘I think it’d be weirder if we didn’t. I promise to kick you out as soon as it starts annoying me’
‘That’s all I ask’ Donghae smiles, hand running circles over Hyukjae’s back, smoothing out the fabric of his t-shirt. ‘I can always sneak back in after you’ve fallen asleep’
~*~
Jeju is pretty in autumn. It’s probably pretty year round, but Donghae likes thinking it’s especially nice just for them.
‘Eeteuk is probably wondering where we are. And he’ll be pissed we left him out’
‘Nah. I bet he didn’t even notice we’re gone. He was dead tired when we got to the hotel so he’ll be out like a light ‘till tomorrow’
They can hear the sounds of the ocean envelope them from where they are, lying on a hill across the hotel. Night sky tinted with scarlet and violet, they watch stars, keeping an eye out for a shooting star for Donghae to wish on.
‘Thanks, Hyukjae’
Hyukjae turns to look at him, the sea breeze running through their hair partially hiding Donghae’s face from his view. Trying to come up with a way for forgetting Donghae’s past birthday, a trip seemed like the perfect idea. But apparently, they needed a babysitter and Leeteuk needed a vacation, so he’d come along as well.
‘Let’s stay here’ Donghae says, his hand feeling around for Hyukjae’s. He finds it and their fingers wrap around each other’s. ‘For tonight, let’s just lay here’
The temperature could drop, a million things could happen. But Hyukjae agrees, and he holds onto his hand. And when that shooting star does appear, Hyukjae wishes on it with him knowing they’re probably wishing for the same thing.
~*~
‘We’re falling apart aren’t we?’
Donghae’s voice is filled with static over the line that carries his voice all the way from China.
Hyukjae wants to agree. Let himself cry because things are changing.
But that’s not what either needs at the moment. They need to be stronger in their weak moments, Hyukjae has learned.
So for once, he’s the one who gives Donghae a little faith. ‘We can never fall apart, Hae. We’ll get through this’
And Hyukjae hopes with all his might that he’s right.
~*~
They come back and they don’t know for how long. Donghae realizes he misses China. Despite the hard times, it sort of became a second home for him.
China has Zhoumi and Henry, and paper lanterns and the view outside his window and, now, Hangeng.
But Korea has Hyukjae and while nothing will be the same again, he’s glad to be home.
~*~
Hyukjae stares at his reflection. He’s changed over the years. He’s grown. His body is evidence of those changes, from the thin figure of a boy, to the stronger worked frame of a man.
‘I get that you’re hot now, but you’ve got to stop staring at yourself all the time’
He looks at Donghae standing at the bathroom door through the mirror, eyebrows raised. ‘We changed. You said we wouldn’t’
Donghae regards him for a second before walking towards Hyukjae. Standing behind him, he places his hands on Hyukjae’s bare skin, feathering over his torso. Fingers slipping beneath the waistband of his pants to grip his hips. ‘We grew up. We did it together’
Hyukjae bites his lip, watching Donghae’s arms against him. Also no longer a boy, Donghae changed right there with him. As their bodies grew stronger, so did their friendship.
Resting his head on his shoulder, Donghae smiles. ‘Just because the packaging changed, doesn’t mean the contents did’ he lifts a hand to tug Hyukjae’s hair as if to emphasize his point. Hyukjae elbows him, hard. Laughing, Donghae holds him harder before letting go.
Eyes look into the reflection of eyes. ‘You and I are still the same, Hyuk’
‘Not exactly the same’ Hyukjae says, eyebrow raised.
Donghae smirks slightly, maybe a little smug ‘No, not exactly’ he echoes. ‘Come on. I’m hungry’ He tugs on his hand, leading him towards the kitchen, barely giving Hyukjae a chance to grab his shirt.
~*~
‘Shit’
Donghae looks over from his computer, various windows open on screen.
Hyukjae smiles sheepishly, squeezing his thumb. ‘Paper cut’
Donghae goes to where Hyukjae sits, papers scattered over the bed, countless pens and recorders. ‘Let me see’ he holds his finger and lowers his head to carefully inspect it. Hyukjae laughs when he looks up at him from underneath his lashes and kisses his finger. ‘There. All better’
‘I’m still not sure about the name’
‘Yeah?’ Donghae takes the paper from Hyukjae’s hand ‘a short journey’ written in messy Hangeul at the top. There, on the corner of the page, a faint smear of blood barely visible.
Tilting his head, Donghae takes it as a sign. ‘I think it’s perfect. Life is made up of short journeys. This is just one of them’
One of many he wants to go through with Hyukjae.
~*~
It seemed scarier than what it really was. Feeling more than once like they wouldn’t make it, they survived.
They’re safe now. Reached safe ground dividing the next row of speeding cars.
‘It’s okay now, I think’ Donghae says smiling at Hyukjae. ‘To let go. You can if you want to’
Hyukjae knows it. They’ve come this far. They can be on their own.
But when Donghae’s hand starts to let go, Hyukjae grabs it at the last second.
‘I don’t need to hold on anymore’ he entwines his fingers with Donghae’s, not as tight as before, just secure. ‘But I don’t want to let go’
‘So don’t’ Donghae says as if it’s that simple and maybe it is.
They leave behind what was in order for what will be, with a quick squeeze setting off on a new run, knowing they might make the same mistakes.
Telling each other it’s okay to fall. As long as they get back up. Its part of growing up Hyukjae and Donghae know. They still have years of growing ahead of them. Knowing that eventually they might have to let go.
But it’s okay if they do.
They’ll always be able to hold on again, that hand only a stretch of arms away.
~*~
a/n: this fic is slightly inspired by Imogen Heap's 'Speeding cars' but i sort of run off with the idea :S. I hope Tee likes this, although idk if this is worth the leprechauns or the pot of gold or the rainbow D: