Accidents and Aftermath, Chapter 2: Envy

[dream_it_all]

Title: Accidents and Aftermath
Author: Dreaming of Everything dreams_of_all
Series: Yu Yu Hakusho
Characters/Pairings: Hiei/Botan
Rating/Warnings: T for over-all mood, nothing terribly bad in specifics.
Summary: When Hiei is poisoned, causing temporary insanity, he severely wounds Botan, who's now comatose, hovering on the brink of death. This fic is a series of onesided conversations between the two as Hiei deals with his emotions, and then the aftermath.


There was a steady stream of visitors the next day, going in one and two at a time to leave a note or card, a small present or flowers for the comatose Botan.

She would have been amazed to see the crowd they made: Kurama, Yukina, Koenma, Yusuke, Kuwabara, Keiko, Shizuru, Genkai, Ayame and... and Hiei.
Worry clouded the corridors of Reikai as the girl continued to hover on the edge of life. Always a delicate balance, even at the best of times. Life is so fragile, frail, so easily lost...

The amount of concern for her would have startled the ferry girl, if she had known about it. While she was the Grim Reaper, the living embodiment of Death, the chance of a second death was there, and always closer. All ferry girls were given a semblance of life for their duties, and what can be given can always be revoked.

"Damn it!" yelled Yusuke, slamming his fist into a nearby wall. A lone ogre scurrying past shot him a scared look before hurrying away.
Kurama stood silently nearby, watching impassively.

"I could have stopped him earlier! I could have protected her! I could... I... Damn." He sighed, his rage seeming to trickle out of him. "All this power, and she might die. Die, and there's nothing I can do."

"Stop sulking, brat. There's nothing you could have done," said Genkai, walking up behind him. "Don't beat yourself up over it. Work to fix the things that need it, not what doesn't. It's not your fault."

Yusuke just stood and looked and her, face an open book, one filled with a chaotic rush of emotions.

Genkai sighed. "Come with me, boy," she stated, walking briskly down the hall, gesturing for him to follow.

Kurama was left alone in the hallway, trapped in his own mind, a circular train of thought repeating endlessly, with no way to solve it. Death was a likely option right now, with Botan in this state; there was a chance she would never recover all. She might never recover from the coma, and stay like that forever. And Hiei... Hiei, who already struggled with guilt-what else would keep him from telling Yukina he was her brother?-and now faced this: it would destroy him in a way that past years hadn't.

Subconsciously Kurama began pacing, backwards and forwards, the repetitive, worried movement mirroring his thoughts.

He had watched him open up to the world, shed some of his cold, impenetrable protective layer, and been secretly happy. He had changed, for the better, and now this had happened... To an earlier Hiei it would have been immaterial, but now... Now... Everything changed, and he had followed that rule.

The best possible outcome, but still not a good one, would be that Hiei would retreat once more into his emotionless state, a killer and thief who simply didn't care, single-minded in his goals and impervious to anything else. All other options were... Unthinkable.

Kurama noticed his pacing and made a concerted effort to stop himself, standing still for a moment before going to find a ferry girl to take him back to Ningenkai. His green eyes were troubled, his face eerily blank, as he made his way through the winding corridors of the spirit world.

Keiko had been given a chair in a waiting-room, for lack of a better word, where she sat sobbing quietly in her hands, her body shaking with her grief, eyes streaming with tears, eerily out-of-place with her silence. Anyone going past, with no exceptions, gave her worried and sympathetic glances.

Botan might die. True, she hadn't gotten along with her at first, thinking Yusuke was...romantically involved with her, but eventually she had discovered the truth-that Botan wasn't even alive in the traditional sense of the word-and they had become friends. Keiko suspected that she was the only close girl friend that Botan had...

A fresh bout of silent sobs wracked Keiko's body as she did her best to muffle her grief.

Koenma stared at the mountains of papers at his desk, knowing that he should be working on them but unable to bring himself to do it. Not while Botan was so close to a second death...

Guilt. He had always taken her for granted; she was dependable, reliable, a constant: always there, always reachable, always. In a way nobody else was, and now she wasn't. She had been too much of a constant, until he appreciated her just as much as the walls: an important thing, yeah, but something to be expected.

But she was more than that.

And now she might never be the same at all.

No, he couldn't work at all, no matter how much he had, no matter how important it was. Holding vigil wouldn't help, he knew, but it was all he could do.

Kuwabara moved woodenly through the every-day motions of life, mechanically reading through the book they had been assigned for class while he waited for his turn to check in on Botan.

True, he didn't normally do his homework, though he did just often enough to keep himself from expulsion. This wasn't that sort of situation: he needed something-anything-to keep him from thinking.

Because Botan might die.

Die.

He hadn't expected that. He knew that they had a dangerous line of work, and that there was a good chance one or more of them would be seriously injured, fatally so.

But Botan...! She was Death. She had already died once. Sometimes she was intangible and she didn't technically need sleep or food to survive, except in her human body! Still, the impossible had happened...

It didn't seem fair that she might die twice.

And he couldn't afford to think about it: he knew that it wouldn't go away if he ignored it, but he couldn't help the impulse. And, more so, he knew that he needed to function, to be capable of continuing life as if nothing was wrong. And if he let himself grieve, if he allowed himself the luxury of worrying, he would break down. It was all or nothing, and nothing was the only choice...

The painful numbness in his mind made it difficult to concentrate on his book. On anything.

Yukina offered comfort in as many ways as she could as she moved through the waiting room. A softly whispered word, a hand placed on a shoulder, an understanding nod. The volatile roomful of people needed holding together, a calming presence.

She was all that there was.

Yukina was careful to ignore her own pain: she had become friends with Botan. She was her first friend, really. But she couldn't let the gaping hole in her heart distract her. After all, she was needed. Her own pain could come... later. No matter how much it hurt now.

oOo

"...and he's refused to leave her room!" twittered one maid to another as they paused in the hallways, leaning close to each other, as if they were conspirators in some important plot.

"Imagine!" said the other. "Hurting the poor girl like that, and then spending so much time near her unwatched! I can't believe Koenma allows it."

"I know! Especially since they're so... close." The two exchanged knowing smiles and smothered an outburst of giggling.

"It's scandalous! I don't even want to imagine what he's doing, with her so alone, and incapable of defending herself..."

"I can't believe no one's complained yet!"

"Does anyone know?"

"Yes! There've been people in and out all day! At least he hasn't had too long alone with her uninterrupted..."

"Thank heavens!"

Kurama, walking past, caught a snatch of their conversation; pausing, he gathered just as much information as was incriminating before walking determinedly over to the two.

"Well, look who's coming over here!" said one of them in what was supposed to be a whisper. The other looked over, attempting to be unobtrusive, then broke out in a fit of smothered laughter, soon joined by the other.

Kurama stopped just short of them, his face frozen; someone who knew him well would be able to recognize furious displeasure.

"You two do laundry for Reikai, yes?" he said pleasantly.

"Yes," they giggled together.

"Then I recommend to stick to it," he replied, giving them a sub-zero glare. "And I advise you to keep your noses out of business that does not concern you, as, you'll find, busy-bodies are never," he paused to give them a smile that promised pain, "tolerated."

The two were still standing there, frozen, as he walked away.

oOo

Hiei knew it was late, if not how late. The light in the room had slowly dimmed until it was barely lit, cloaked in dusky darkness. The only way to mark the passage of time had been the arrival and departure of the visitors, but that had trailed off and then ended. Hiei had finally been left alone, the only person in the room. Slowly he had fallen into a nearly meditative state, lost in the maze of his mind.

He was shaken from his thoughts by the arrival of a night nurse sent to check up on Botan; while there were spells set around her to monitor her condition they still wanted to keep a (somewhat) human eye on the ferry girl.

He shifted his position slightly, attracting the attention of the nurse, who gave a frightened squeak, quickly muffled, as she caught sight of the malevolent figure, wreathed in shadows, watching over Botan; the deep red of his eyes glinted in the slight amount of light in the room.

Remembering who exactly was watching over Botan (Hiei! A demon! Murderer and thief serving community service!)-she already knew he was watching over her, because of all the gossip floating around about it; I mean, after all he was just sitting there, watching her, that couldn't be moral! Not when it was him!-the nurse quickly finished her duties before hurrying from the room, leaving Hiei alone once more.

To him, it was a painful reminder of who he was. Though he hadn't read her thoughts, her face had been expressive enough that he hadn't needed to.

A few more painfully slow moments trickled past, slow as syrup.

Slowly, hesitantly, the demon began to speak aloud.

"I wonder if you would have expected every one who came to visit you today. I wonder if you know how many people care enough to visit. So many people came, even though you're in a coma and can't respond to them, don't even know that they came...

"Do you know how lucky you are? How many lives you've touched? How many people can't imagine a world without you?

"For some reason, I can only imagine seeing you surprised about that. And I don't... know... why. How could you not know how many people need you? You're everything someone should be: friendly, open, enthusiastic. Warm and caring. Everyone likes you; you're a likable person, and I know you're not so stupid that you haven't noticed... So why?

"I suppose I'm jealous, you know. Nobody... There would be nobody at my bedside if the situation was reversed. I wouldn't even have a bedside to be at: nobody would go to that extent for a demon thief who was caught in the act, forced into community service.

"I wish... I wish you knew how many people cared. I wish you could see everyone who showed up to wish you well.

"...

"...I wish that I knew that someone would do the same for me."
The room remained dark, cold and silent, with only the slight rise and fall of Botan's chest, frighteningly slow and shallow, signaling that she still lived. Her skin was pale, her face drawn, and the shadows cast on her were over-emphasized by the slight light, turning it her features into either severe black or sterile white, with none of the normal shades of gray.

It would be a long and lonely night.

--End--