Right, so: what's bothering you precisely? I can tell you what I would do...but that may not be any help :) I could rewrite it for you...but that probably wouldn't help either, plus it would be insulting. I think in the first paragraph I would change "her closest friend" in the first line to Sarah, then refer to her as her closest friend only in the section starting "why would her [closest] friend assume she was doing drugs?" The rest of the time I would use her name or she. I might also change "...and she very much regretted.." to "she suddenly very much regretted..." I can keep going, but I don't want to tread on your toes. It's got good bones, so don't do yourself down.
It's over dosing in narrative. I want to give it some edge and style and can't figure out how to do that. I can't seem to add the plot without going into story teller mode instead of awesome novel writer mode lol. Pshh my toes are fine! Thanks for the tips! Idk I think I'm going to scrap this one till the muse hits me full on.
Like I said, it has good bones so don't give up on it! Try taking out the dialogue and condensing it down to what you want to happen from Ariadne's POV-say ten sentences-then build it back up from there. My pleasure btw :)
Hmm I'll try to follow that. You know I think fanfics kind of make the life of authors a bit easier because the characters are already there, so if the writer does skip over something we easily fill in the blanks as opposed to if the characters were original.
BTW how do you make LJ cuts? i highlight the text but it puts the cut in the text instead of hiding everything under it. >.
Story version 2.0dream_bigger20September 21 2010, 18:08:22 UTC
Somehow for all her ideas and planning she never thought the transition of returning to school and her previous life would be so harsh. She never expected to feel so empty for so long. She thought time would dispel the feeling of loneliness. But it hadn’t. She figures the first weeks back would were the hardest. She recalls her friends trying to nonchalantly glance at her wrist to spot the IV puncture wounds. They of course assumed that the wounds were those of needles from shooting up narcotics. She remembers the way they tried to get her to get out. They would drag her to bars and cafes in hopes she would go back to her social and friendly ways. For a time she played along and really gave it her best effort. But the thought of what she was missing out on proved too much
( ... )
Re: Story version 2.0dream_bigger20September 21 2010, 18:11:20 UTC
Despite her self indulgent pity parties, she did the best she could. Even though her current reality wasn’t that which she would want (and she did have the intense desire to slap Arthur for that) she figured after she got her degree and things died down, she could contact Satio and get herself involved in the black market of dreams once more. The idea of doing calling Satio on certain days was quite the temptation to resist. But a silly promise made to Arthur held her back. The look in his eyes as he asked her to finish her degree haunts her. It was a pleading look that tried to will her to accept his request. She thought it was so touching the moment he said it. He was trying to return her the way they found her, trying almost to save her childhood in a way. But now she scoffed at the promise, thinking it was just a way to ease his guilty conscious. Yet here she was, back in school working on her degree.
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I think in the first paragraph I would change "her closest friend" in the first line to Sarah, then refer to her as her closest friend only in the section starting "why would her [closest] friend assume she was doing drugs?" The rest of the time I would use her name or she. I might also change "...and she very much regretted.." to "she suddenly very much regretted..."
I can keep going, but I don't want to tread on your toes. It's got good bones, so don't do yourself down.
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My pleasure btw :)
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BTW how do you make LJ cuts? i highlight the text but it puts the cut in the text instead of hiding everything under it. >.
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