Unsent
A letter I would love to send to my sister, but can't, for fear of causing trouble.
Hello Jo'! I'm doing well. Trying (and failing) to keep my head out of the clouds, working on the singing, doing the weekend job thing while simultaneously planning a novel I'll be writing during November and doing correspondence stuff. All the usual. One of these days I really need to become more balanced, lol.
Well, you're more courageous than I am. I was going to write you a similar email a while ago, right after that last get-together we had at Jesse's house. That was quite possibly the most uncomfortable get-together our family has ever had (our family meaning our little group, not the family at large). That night I wrote and re-wrote an email to you, then chickened out and deleted it. Now, on this topic of what's going on I can only speak for myself...I know you're more upset because you think there is distance between you and Dad than anything, but I'll tell you where I stand. You should probably know before reading on that I am terrified that this email will mortally offend you...please please know that it isn't meant to. So, here goes:
Yep, we've definitely grown apart. A while ago we (all of us) were getting closer, but that seems to have. . .deteriorated, for lack of a better word.
I don't think it started that day I ended up arguing with everybody at Uncle Sheldon's over my views on education, lol, but I'd like to bring that up. That was weird. I usually enjoy debates. The problem with that day was less to do with Heath and more to do with my inability to deal with feeling attacked. I enjoy discussing things, but I DESPISE arguing. (Have you never noticed how hard I try to avoid emotional confrontations? I had enough of that growing up, thank-you very much, and I won't have it now. Arguments are emotional confrontations at their ugliest.) It turned into an argument, and I was more upset that nobody-- not you, Dad, or Jesse, or anyone else-- would say a word in my favor, than I was that there were people there who thought I was crazy. I'm used to that, and it amuses me. But I was sadly outnumbered in that discussion, and people started getting angry at me, because they're narrow-minded, therefore outrageous ideas freak them out. That's how I see it, lol. Anyway. . .it's always been a policy of mine to stand up for people I care about, much in the same way I am so outspoken about topics I feel strongly about, and while it's immature of me to expect the same thing from my family. . .well, I'm only human. I was upset, more by you dad and Jesse than anyone, but I wasn't mad at you. I was hurt, not angry. But that's none of your faults, and I forgave you all ages ago. . .which is irrelevant since you didn't actually do anything wrong. You were just handling the situation the way your natures dictate, and I understand that, so don't feel defensive. That was my problem, not yours. But I guess it bothers me that none of you understand just how easily I get hurt. I'm a strong person, but I'm not heartless.
And Heath. . .well, it's no secret that Heath and I don't get along exactly 'swimmingly,' lol. We're both stubbornly mulish and outspoken, have completely different value systems, beliefs, and world views. But for goodness' sake, I don't hate him, Jo'. At this point, the two of us have argued too many times for me to feel completely at ease around him, that's all. I feel like I have to subdue my personality for fear of offending him, and that is offensive to me. It's irritating. I'm no different from anyone else in that I like to be around people who understand me, or accept me. One or the other; both is a bonus. I like to be around people who make me feel good, and that is basic human nature. EVERYBODY is like that. Half the time I'm around Heath, and lately you as well, I feel like everything I do is somehow wrong, and I'm terribly aware of the fact that the entire affair would be less awkward if I were absent. That feeling hits below the belt for me, given my past and all, so I wouldn't be surprised if I've seemed cold or somehow not myself to you lately. . .one May protective mechanism, coming up! Do you understand?
I am what I am, Jo', but I get the feeling that you have absolutely no idea what that entails. That's no surprise, because we weren't raised together, but it's baffling to me that you seem to understand me less now than you did two years ago. I am strange, outspoken, sarcastic, teasing, and nonconforming. I like to discuss things with people, and debate, because it's a learning process and I adore knowledge, and because I love language and debates let me play with words. I don't debate because I'm angry, and when I bicker with people I'm just playing. Same with when I make fun of them, tease them...there is no malicious intent, it's just play to me. And another thing. . .my views on friendship and family are bond-based rather than time-based or geography-based. This means that if somebody knows me, then accepts me and loves me, it doesn't matter how seldom I see them, or where they are, they have my love and my loyalty and God help anyone who hurts them. I will feel a bond with that person, and it doesn't change if I don't see them for a week, year, or ten years.
This leads in nicely to the problem of you not seeing us often. I've never completely understood why this upsets you, but now I see why. It's our emotional languages, Jowee...they're totally different. To you, time and effort are, apparently, the ultimate expression of love. It would seem that acceptance, loyalty, and understanding are more important to Dad and I. For the love of God, don't quote me on that, because Dad has never said that. I'm making a guess. That's how I feel, and Dad and I seem to be similar in that way, that's all I'm saying. So that's why Dad sees everything as being perfectly fine and normal, and so do I, while you disagree.
It's gotten harder, I think, with you being surrounded by Heath's family, because now you are around people who speak the same emotional language as you. They also see time and effort as the ultimate expression of love, or else they wouldn't be getting together every other day. That is completely wonderful for them, and for you, but it's sad that it makes it all the more obvious to you that we aren't that way. Now you are used to their language, and in their language, we are saying that we don't care. In our language, nothing has changed. We're sad that we can't see you more often, because we love you, but to us it isn't a measure of the strength of our bond. Do you know what I mean, Jo'?
Oh, and about my show...that was a blatant misunderstanding. Personally, I feel like you are always busy, and you told me on the phone that you could only go to my show on the Saturday. So, we assumed you could only go on Saturday. Tommy is only here once a year, if that, so Jesse and Dad wanted to use my show to be able to see him on the Thursday... a two-birds-with-one-stone kinda deal. And anyway, I would have been happy if you'd come to see my show period, so I wasn't about to try to get you to change your schedule. I figured at least I would have had somebody there on Saturday so I didn't feel like a loner, lol, so I was kind of glad you were coming on a different night anyway. I have no idea how that thing got blown up out of proportion, but I am sorry you ended up hurt.
So, all these differences and misunderstandings have made things awkward when we get together. They just hang in the air, unspoken, and the more time goes by, the worse it gets.
*sighs* Alright, have I cleared anything up with this? The point is that I love you, and that I do notice that things between all of us haven't been great lately. I'm excited that you're having a baby by the way, and I love her already. I'm sorry that we won't be here for you and her because of our move to the coast. But physical distance doesn't have to mean emotional distance, Jo. Why can't we all just love each other? Isn't that the main qualification for being family? It's love, right? If we just focus on enjoying each other on those rare occasions that we get together, and if we all understand that we're always there for each other, I don't see how we can be anything but an awesome family. (Oh, and what was that you said about being 'the half sister'? *frowns* Jowee, you're our SISTER, period. None of this 'half' business. I don't believe in 'half' relatives. Is Aunt Carolyne our 'half' aunt, because Grandpa isn't her dad? Obviously not. We love you, don't think of our relationship that way. Dad considers you his first child, his first baby girl, and you will always hold that special place in his heart, so don't let genetics make you insecure.)
Oh boy. I hope you don't take any of this the wrong way. Again I stress, this is just the May Perspective. I don't know what Dad and Jesse feel or think.
Love,
May
Hello Jo'! I'm doing well. Trying (and failing) to keep my head out of the clouds, working on the singing, doing the weekend job thing while simultaneously planning a novel I'll be writing during November and doing correspondence stuff. All the usual. One of these days I really need to become more balanced, lol.
Well, you're more courageous than I am. I was going to write you a similar email a while ago, right after that last get-together we had at Jesse's house. That was quite possibly the most uncomfortable get-together our family has ever had (our family meaning our little group, not the family at large). That night I wrote and re-wrote an email to you, then chickened out and deleted it. Now, on this topic of what's going on I can only speak for myself...I know you're more upset because you think there is distance between you and Dad than anything, but I'll tell you where I stand. You should probably know before reading on that I am terrified that this email will mortally offend you...please please know that it isn't meant to. So, here goes:
Yep, we've definitely grown apart. A while ago we (all of us) were getting closer, but that seems to have. . .deteriorated, for lack of a better word.
I don't think it started that day I ended up arguing with everybody at Uncle Sheldon's over my views on education, lol, but I'd like to bring that up. That was weird. I usually enjoy debates. The problem with that day was less to do with Heath and more to do with my inability to deal with feeling attacked. I enjoy discussing things, but I DESPISE arguing. (Have you never noticed how hard I try to avoid emotional confrontations? I had enough of that growing up, thank-you very much, and I won't have it now. Arguments are emotional confrontations at their ugliest.) It turned into an argument, and I was more upset that nobody-- not you, Dad, or Jesse, or anyone else-- would say a word in my favor, than I was that there were people there who thought I was crazy. I'm used to that, and it amuses me. But I was sadly outnumbered in that discussion, and people started getting angry at me, because they're narrow-minded, therefore outrageous ideas freak them out. That's how I see it, lol. Anyway. . .it's always been a policy of mine to stand up for people I care about, much in the same way I am so outspoken about topics I feel strongly about, and while it's immature of me to expect the same thing from my family. . .well, I'm only human. I was upset, more by you dad and Jesse than anyone, but I wasn't mad at you. I was hurt, not angry. But that's none of your faults, and I forgave you all ages ago. . .which is irrelevant since you didn't actually do anything wrong. You were just handling the situation the way your natures dictate, and I understand that, so don't feel defensive. That was my problem, not yours. But I guess it bothers me that none of you understand just how easily I get hurt. I'm a strong person, but I'm not heartless.
And Heath. . .well, it's no secret that Heath and I don't get along exactly 'swimmingly,' lol. We're both stubbornly mulish and outspoken, have completely different value systems, beliefs, and world views. But for goodness' sake, I don't hate him, Jo'. At this point, the two of us have argued too many times for me to feel completely at ease around him, that's all. I feel like I have to subdue my personality for fear of offending him, and that is offensive to me. It's irritating. I'm no different from anyone else in that I like to be around people who understand me, or accept me. One or the other; both is a bonus. I like to be around people who make me feel good, and that is basic human nature. EVERYBODY is like that. Half the time I'm around Heath, and lately you as well, I feel like everything I do is somehow wrong, and I'm terribly aware of the fact that the entire affair would be less awkward if I were absent. That feeling hits below the belt for me, given my past and all, so I wouldn't be surprised if I've seemed cold or somehow not myself to you lately. . .one May protective mechanism, coming up! Do you understand?
I am what I am, Jo', but I get the feeling that you have absolutely no idea what that entails. That's no surprise, because we weren't raised together, but it's baffling to me that you seem to understand me less now than you did two years ago. I am strange, outspoken, sarcastic, teasing, and nonconforming. I like to discuss things with people, and debate, because it's a learning process and I adore knowledge, and because I love language and debates let me play with words. I don't debate because I'm angry, and when I bicker with people I'm just playing. Same with when I make fun of them, tease them...there is no malicious intent, it's just play to me. And another thing. . .my views on friendship and family are bond-based rather than time-based or geography-based. This means that if somebody knows me, then accepts me and loves me, it doesn't matter how seldom I see them, or where they are, they have my love and my loyalty and God help anyone who hurts them. I will feel a bond with that person, and it doesn't change if I don't see them for a week, year, or ten years.
This leads in nicely to the problem of you not seeing us often. I've never completely understood why this upsets you, but now I see why. It's our emotional languages, Jowee...they're totally different. To you, time and effort are, apparently, the ultimate expression of love. It would seem that acceptance, loyalty, and understanding are more important to Dad and I. For the love of God, don't quote me on that, because Dad has never said that. I'm making a guess. That's how I feel, and Dad and I seem to be similar in that way, that's all I'm saying. So that's why Dad sees everything as being perfectly fine and normal, and so do I, while you disagree.
It's gotten harder, I think, with you being surrounded by Heath's family, because now you are around people who speak the same emotional language as you. They also see time and effort as the ultimate expression of love, or else they wouldn't be getting together every other day. That is completely wonderful for them, and for you, but it's sad that it makes it all the more obvious to you that we aren't that way. Now you are used to their language, and in their language, we are saying that we don't care. In our language, nothing has changed. We're sad that we can't see you more often, because we love you, but to us it isn't a measure of the strength of our bond. Do you know what I mean, Jo'?
Oh, and about my show...that was a blatant misunderstanding. Personally, I feel like you are always busy, and you told me on the phone that you could only go to my show on the Saturday. So, we assumed you could only go on Saturday. Tommy is only here once a year, if that, so Jesse and Dad wanted to use my show to be able to see him on the Thursday... a two-birds-with-one-stone kinda deal. And anyway, I would have been happy if you'd come to see my show period, so I wasn't about to try to get you to change your schedule. I figured at least I would have had somebody there on Saturday so I didn't feel like a loner, lol, so I was kind of glad you were coming on a different night anyway. I have no idea how that thing got blown up out of proportion, but I am sorry you ended up hurt.
So, all these differences and misunderstandings have made things awkward when we get together. They just hang in the air, unspoken, and the more time goes by, the worse it gets.
*sighs* Alright, have I cleared anything up with this? The point is that I love you, and that I do notice that things between all of us haven't been great lately. I'm excited that you're having a baby by the way, and I love her already. I'm sorry that we won't be here for you and her because of our move to the coast. But physical distance doesn't have to mean emotional distance, Jo. Why can't we all just love each other? Isn't that the main qualification for being family? It's love, right? If we just focus on enjoying each other on those rare occasions that we get together, and if we all understand that we're always there for each other, I don't see how we can be anything but an awesome family. (Oh, and what was that you said about being 'the half sister'? *frowns* Jowee, you're our SISTER, period. None of this 'half' business. I don't believe in 'half' relatives. Is Aunt Carolyne our 'half' aunt, because Grandpa isn't her dad? Obviously not. We love you, don't think of our relationship that way. Dad considers you his first child, his first baby girl, and you will always hold that special place in his heart, so don't let genetics make you insecure.)
Oh boy. I hope you don't take any of this the wrong way. Again I stress, this is just the May Perspective. I don't know what Dad and Jesse feel or think.
Love,
May