Papa! (Dom/Brian NC17) Chapter 1

[dreamingwolf26]

Brian stood at the sink washing dishes when he heard the soft crying of Little D over the baby monitor so, he quickly dried his hands and headed into his room to tend to the sweet little baby he had adopted for Letty. He had quit his job as an FBI agent soon afterwards and was living on his savings account for the time being until he could find a

Comments

[sofi_skoog]

It is a good storyline, but you are going forward a bit too fast, flesh it out a bit and it will be awesome.

[auntyk]

I agree with sofi. Also formatting. If you could put in paragraphs and separate the speaking onto separate lines it would improve readability.

Query re the storyline: if a bullet nicked his larynx how did he manage to ask for help?

I like the premise of the storyline, it has alot of promise.

[iserith]

This story has a lot of potential. But like you were told before, you should write in paragraphs and set the dialog apart.

And a try to deepen onto what are they each feeling or thinking, so the story is not just told, but developed as well.

Personally, I find that the storyline can be awesome, but if it talks just about actions and nothing of feelings and thinking, it's not worth it.

Expecting the 2 chapter! =)