An introspective...

[dreamsofblue]

I was thinking last night, just before I went to sleep. I was in that place where you are not quite asleep but not entirely awake. On the cusp, the razors edge, where you can fall either way and it really isn't certain that you know where you will end up. Revelation. I realized that most of my life is spent there, balancing on that edge. Looking, I find so many more edges that surround me. It takes a few minutes before I realize that I have defined myself in that position before. I said, "I live betwixt and between." I didn't think it would be a defining statement. I started to look at all the 'twixts that appear in my life. I found that I am slightly amused that I didn't notice it before. I consider myself to be an observant person, most of the time. And I do acknowledge that I am more blind in areas that directly concern me. You know, the whole, "Can't see the forest for the trees" crap. It still amazes me when I find out things about myself that are obvious. Though I am no longer unhinged for days when I realize it. Then the panic hit me. Yeah, I still panic a lil bit. I lost it because I realize that my life as I live it is nothing but a dance on all those edges, where one false step could mean the end of parts of me. I freaked because I am not a good dancer. I lay there contented afterwords when I simply accepted that it is in my nature to just know the right steps by instinct. But this got me to thinking...and that is always dangerous. I came to realize that I had lost track of the distance traveled. Okay, I admit I am not altogether sane. I am not saying that I am insane, simply that according to most others' opinions I am crazy. I am just wired differently, nothing wrong with that. But over the years I have been able to see when I lose a part of myself to my "insanity". I get freaked out when I realize that I should be feeling a certain way about something but I don't. Or, when I realize that I don't care about something. And it isn't the not caring that gets me, it is the not caring about not caring that does it. Well, by now I am so far removed from not caring that I can't even tell you how many steps removed from it I am. That is what I have lost track of. I can no longer look back and see just how far down the rabbit hole I have gone. There is a small part of me that is a lil worried about it. But that part is so tiny that I have to strain to hear it. I just don't care that I can't hear it anymore. We all change and we all evolve, for better or worse, but sometimes you just want to stay somewhere for a while. Sometimes you walk and you don't pay attention and you just look up and wonder how you got where you did. I rarely think that way. And I am not thinking that way now, but it does give you a bit of perspective.

They say, "Not all who wander are lost." and "It is the journey not the destination." But some of us don't know where we are and just want to arrive.

~blue