It rained last night, so lovely.

[dreamsscreams]

Melon bursts in my mouth

Comments

[ashurbanipal]

I don't think it's bad as it is. But without seeing the earlier version, I don't know which is better. One nice thing about the structure it has now is, most of the stanzas have one or two longer lines setting the scene, followed by a short, intense line that gives the sensory impact. The pattern is clearest in stanzas 1 ("so sweet, so cold") and 4 ("relentless, blazing"), and also visible in 2, 5, and 7. One idea is, you could rewrite the other stanzas so they all follow that pattern, with a brief, intense final line. That would give a nice effect.... But I like the way the last stanza is longer and slower. It seems to reflect the way a rain shower finally starts to pour, and keeps falling slowly and steadily. It would be nice to keep that.
Anyway those are just some ideas. Even if you keep it as it is, it's very nice! I can really remember what rain is like in Delhi...

[dreamsscreams]

Thank you! The pattern sounds good, Id like to use it the next time I get inspired.