REVISIONS REQUESTEDmagicdraftersDecember 8 2011, 19:13:39 UTC
REVISIONS The mods feel that though your app is strong, some adjustments need to be made. Please address the following points required for clarification: ● Since the character is underaged, the underage agreement needs to be added. ● Unfortunately, the D-Arc would not make a suitable core, but dragon heartstring would be sufficient. ● Finally, we would like to see an expanded first-person section, giving a better idea of the character's inner and outer voices. More depth is needed, as well as more description of the character's body language and mannerisms.
Please reply with your revisions as a comment to this comment within 72 hours so that the mods can see the changes made to your app. Thank you!
Re: REVISIONS REQUESTEDdreamtamerDecember 8 2011, 20:10:51 UTC
First, as a final characterization note, I am taking Takato's characterization from the original Japanese version of Digimon Tamers. Specifically, in the original series Takato was much quieter and more introspective than his outgoing American counterpart. Additionally, he does not make jokes or puns often.
Also, I just decided to start over again with a new first person.
Age: 11 I understand that I will be unable to have this character engage in sexual acts within the game while they are underage.
FIRST PERSON [The video feed opens to show a small boy in a Hogwarts uniform peering at it doubtfully.]
Um, hello? Can anyone hear me?
I was sure I turned it on. Maybe I missed something?
[Takato shakes the little device around hopefully.]
Oh! There it goes!
[He smiles a little sheepishly, and tugs at his uniform uncomfortably. For a moment he desperately wishes that Guilmon could be with him here. It was lonely, going on an adventure by himself. For a brief moment his smile falters, before he pushes on with determined
( ... )
WELCOME TO HOGWARTS! You have been sorted into GRYFFINDOR! Please follow THESE instructions. Feel free to introduce yourself on the OOC community before hopping into the game!
Comments 3
REVISIONS
The mods feel that though your app is strong, some adjustments need to be made. Please address the following points required for clarification:
● Since the character is underaged, the underage agreement needs to be added.
● Unfortunately, the D-Arc would not make a suitable core, but dragon heartstring would be sufficient.
● Finally, we would like to see an expanded first-person section, giving a better idea of the character's inner and outer voices. More depth is needed, as well as more description of the character's body language and mannerisms.
Please reply with your revisions as a comment to this comment within 72 hours so that the mods can see the changes made to your app. Thank you!
Reply
Also, I just decided to start over again with a new first person.
Age: 11 I understand that I will be unable to have this character engage in sexual acts within the game while they are underage.
FIRST PERSON
[The video feed opens to show a small boy in a Hogwarts uniform peering at it doubtfully.]
Um, hello? Can anyone hear me?
I was sure I turned it on. Maybe I missed something?
[Takato shakes the little device around hopefully.]
Oh! There it goes!
[He smiles a little sheepishly, and tugs at his uniform uncomfortably. For a moment he desperately wishes that Guilmon could be with him here. It was lonely, going on an adventure by himself. For a brief moment his smile falters, before he pushes on with determined ( ... )
Reply
WELCOME TO HOGWARTS!
You have been sorted into GRYFFINDOR!
Please follow THESE instructions.
Feel free to introduce yourself on the OOC community before hopping into the game!
Reply
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