Reflections and Resolutions
Happy New Year flist!!! I hope the first day of 2014 treated you all well :) I usually have my reflective post done by now but I haven't been able to get my brain to slow down enough to post anything lately. For the first time in years I had parties to go to and have been running around like crazy.
Reflections
2013 was a life-changing year for me. I ended a 3 year long relationship that was unhealthy for a lot of reasons. I had wanted out for a while, at least I thought I did, but felt trapped and couldn't find a way out. She went to jail in January and that was my chance to make a clean break. I moved into my apartment in February, and my custody arrangement changed with that move. It still isn't exactly what I want but it's better than it was.
In March I finally decided enough was enough with M and stopped visiting, accepting her calls or writing to her.
In April I prayed the salvation prayer, rededicated my life to God and was baptized again. I'd been thinking and praying about this huge step for a few years and something just clicked and I just knew it was time. When it came down to time for it to happen, I was pumped full of adrenaline and nerves - the idea of going under the water full of the mistakes and brokenness and coming back up clean and new was pretty huge to me (the symbolism has NEVER been lost on me). That single moment was amazing and really did change my life.
My baptism came with the decision to make lots of changes:
In September I changed jobs and it became the second best decision I made all year. This is the happiest I've been at a job in a really really long time. The new job came along with me feeling more confident and more restless and more social. I stopped hiding out in my apartment and started rekindling old friendships and forming new ones.
Christmas brought me time with my boys, for which I am so unbelievably grateful. And for the first time in 12 years, I had no date to kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve and tbh, I was totally OK with that (there was a momentary twinge of "oh" right at midnight but then it passed). I mean, if you think about it, the last 12 kisses didn't bring much luck in love and relationships so maybe starting the year off single and kiss-free will be a very good thing.
Resolutions
Ok so I think I'd rather call them goals...either way I only have a couple....
Reflections
2013 was a life-changing year for me. I ended a 3 year long relationship that was unhealthy for a lot of reasons. I had wanted out for a while, at least I thought I did, but felt trapped and couldn't find a way out. She went to jail in January and that was my chance to make a clean break. I moved into my apartment in February, and my custody arrangement changed with that move. It still isn't exactly what I want but it's better than it was.
In March I finally decided enough was enough with M and stopped visiting, accepting her calls or writing to her.
In April I prayed the salvation prayer, rededicated my life to God and was baptized again. I'd been thinking and praying about this huge step for a few years and something just clicked and I just knew it was time. When it came down to time for it to happen, I was pumped full of adrenaline and nerves - the idea of going under the water full of the mistakes and brokenness and coming back up clean and new was pretty huge to me (the symbolism has NEVER been lost on me). That single moment was amazing and really did change my life.
My baptism came with the decision to make lots of changes:
- While I will always identify as bi-sexual (although I HATE labels), I am choosing not to take action on the part of me that finds women attractive. Some of it is biblically based but mostly because girls are a lot more trouble than they tend to be worth lol. And because I really can't see myself in an intimate relationship with another woman other than M.
- I will not settle. I am no longer the girl who needs a date for the party or to go home with someone after a night of karaoke or whatever. I am steady, stable and strong on my own. I'm perfectly content to be single. I've been in one relationship or another for the past 12 years and before I met J, I had been technically single for 2 years but still had someone to take home if/when I wanted. For the first time in my adult life (or life in general really), I don't NEED a boyfriend. I'm enjoying my freedom. And when the right guy comes around, when the timing is right, I'll be more than happy to take a chance. I'm just not in any hurry or forcing it.
- I finally took the leap and went back to school. I intended on specializing in Child Development or Early Childhood Education but ended up going for Family and Community Service. This will enable me to get credentialed as a social worker and eventually get involved with a group that is working with women and children who are caught up in human trafficking. I feel like God has put this on my heart and mind as something that I need to get involved in; something that I need to be a part of putting a stop to. It's a big leap of faith, but it's something I've just got to do.
- I stopped cursing J and his gf and started praying over them. Praying for compassionate hearts and understanding. Praying that J would find a way to welcome God back into his heart. Praying for cooperation and compromise. And it hasn't always been smooth sailing but we're taking baby steps there. And as long as we make progress, no matter how small the steps are, then we're gonna be ok. And I'll just keep on praying.
In September I changed jobs and it became the second best decision I made all year. This is the happiest I've been at a job in a really really long time. The new job came along with me feeling more confident and more restless and more social. I stopped hiding out in my apartment and started rekindling old friendships and forming new ones.
Christmas brought me time with my boys, for which I am so unbelievably grateful. And for the first time in 12 years, I had no date to kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve and tbh, I was totally OK with that (there was a momentary twinge of "oh" right at midnight but then it passed). I mean, if you think about it, the last 12 kisses didn't bring much luck in love and relationships so maybe starting the year off single and kiss-free will be a very good thing.
Resolutions
Ok so I think I'd rather call them goals...either way I only have a couple....
- Actually get my backside out of bed and exercise every morning. My divorce will be final in March and a photographer friend and I are planning a Trash the Dress photo shoot for late spring/early summer. In a corset, panties and thigh highs. I *will* look better in those photos than I did at my wedding (or die trying!) At the very least I want the dress to fit me again before we set fire to it...
- Keep on working toward my master's. This two week break was much needed but now it's time to get back on track. I currently have a 4.0 and plan to keep it.
- Go on a mission's trip to Belgium to do work in their red light district. Come hell or high water, I *will* be on that plane! (which means I need to get a passport)
- Stop chasing people. OK...to clarify...I haven't actually been chasing, exactly, but I've been putting an awful lot of effort in trying to be friends with people who aren't reciprocating. And some of these people, no matter how much I disagree with their reasoning, aren't ready to be friends. And that's ok. But I'm done sending the first message in a conversation all the time. If you wanna talk to me, reach out to me. I have all the time in the world and can be patient.
- Stop letting people rent head space who don't deserve it. Like M. I've been thinking about her a lot lately and that needs to stop. No point revisiting the past, it's over and done. I've moved on. Or J's gf - no more letting her make me feel small or insignificant in my boys' lives; no more letting her make me feel like I'm a bad mom. Because you know what? I'm not.
- Start saying NO sometimes. I don't always have to be the yes girl and people will still like and respect me if I tell them no. *nod*