I kind of expected this day would come, sooner or later
And here we are...
For the past few weeks EVERY conversation I've had with J and his gf has been about how poorly Andrew (our 9 (10 in April)year old) has been behaving. He's been lying about stupid little stuff like whether or not he's brushed his teeth or is wearing socks. He's been sassing J's gf, being rude and disrespectful and full of attitude. He has been, quite honestly, really obnoxious and arrogant ("I'm so awesome" "Everyone loves me because I'm so awesome"). I'm all for self-confidence and loving yourself, but you still have to be humble. Cocky arrogance is annoying and a total turn-off.
I've seen some of the lack of humility. I've gotten my fair share of eye-rolling and huffing and puffing when I tell him to do something he doesn't want to do. There are a few little white lies here and there. But nothing, apparently, compared to his behavior at his dad's. And of course, he lives with his dad full time, so this is a real issue.
Yesterday was the last straw. Yet another text from J's gf about Andrew and how he's going to be grounded again. And it's all because of his sassy smart mouth and disrespectful attitude. They're at their wits' end. Even changing the way they've been disciplining him doesn't seem to have had an effect. They don't know what to do and can I help them?
First of all - the fact that just a year ago (hell just this past summer!) I was a horrible mother who didn't deserve her children in her life at all and now she's asking me for help raising my children makes me shake my head. Irony is great...
But, this is my baby and something is up. And I was pretty sure I had a good idea of what was going on in his head. The trick was going to be getting him to actually talk to me. He keeps his feelings all bottled up and doesn't like to talk at all, let alone about his feelings.
After I got Christian snuggled into bed, I took the opportunity to snuggle with Andrew on the couch under a pile of blankets (my windows SUCK and it is always SO cold in here!!) and we talked. I asked him what was going on, why he was being a jerk (I don't sugar coat stuff for him - the blunt honesty works better).
The deal is pretty much this: he's confused. He isn't a big fan of J's gf - doesn't really like her much. But he loves her because she takes care of and provides for him. But he already has a mommy (me) and having her act like she's his mom too has him mixed up a little. I suspect there's some resentment there too - I wouldn't be surprised if he holds her (at least partially) responsible for J and I splitting up and for the custody change.
I told him this: He doesn't have to like her - I didn't always like my mom when I was a kid. I don't always like some of my family members now that I'm an adult. But I will always love them and always try to treat them with respect. And that's what I need him to do too. I need him to always be polite and respectful, even if she's making him crazy. That's his job as part of this family unit. And I need him to consider her an extension of me - she's, more or less, his mom when I'm not there to do it.
He brought up the time I hit her - and I admitted that I lost my temper and made a bad choice, but now I do everything it takes to not repeat that mistake. I told him that I'm not crazy about her either (I think it's good to be tactfully honest with him) but I still have to be respectful. And we agreed that she makes no secrets about the fact that she doesn't like me AT ALL, but has been making an effort to get along with me and work together to raise them as best as we can. It's all part of growing up and being a mature, responsible adult. And that's what we need from him too. He's not a little kid anymore and he has to be respectful.
It seemed like he was more at peace once we talked. Like he needed to know that his feelings were valid and justified and ok. That he doesn't HAVE to like her all the time, just that he can't be a jerk about it.
Now to figure out how to tactfully explain this all to his dad....yikes!
S/N - my sweet boy who used to snuggle all the time but stopped for a long time, initiated the snuggles last night. And pointed out that while he may be too tall to curl up in my lap now, his head will never be too big to rest on my leg. <3
For the past few weeks EVERY conversation I've had with J and his gf has been about how poorly Andrew (our 9 (10 in April)year old) has been behaving. He's been lying about stupid little stuff like whether or not he's brushed his teeth or is wearing socks. He's been sassing J's gf, being rude and disrespectful and full of attitude. He has been, quite honestly, really obnoxious and arrogant ("I'm so awesome" "Everyone loves me because I'm so awesome"). I'm all for self-confidence and loving yourself, but you still have to be humble. Cocky arrogance is annoying and a total turn-off.
I've seen some of the lack of humility. I've gotten my fair share of eye-rolling and huffing and puffing when I tell him to do something he doesn't want to do. There are a few little white lies here and there. But nothing, apparently, compared to his behavior at his dad's. And of course, he lives with his dad full time, so this is a real issue.
Yesterday was the last straw. Yet another text from J's gf about Andrew and how he's going to be grounded again. And it's all because of his sassy smart mouth and disrespectful attitude. They're at their wits' end. Even changing the way they've been disciplining him doesn't seem to have had an effect. They don't know what to do and can I help them?
First of all - the fact that just a year ago (hell just this past summer!) I was a horrible mother who didn't deserve her children in her life at all and now she's asking me for help raising my children makes me shake my head. Irony is great...
But, this is my baby and something is up. And I was pretty sure I had a good idea of what was going on in his head. The trick was going to be getting him to actually talk to me. He keeps his feelings all bottled up and doesn't like to talk at all, let alone about his feelings.
After I got Christian snuggled into bed, I took the opportunity to snuggle with Andrew on the couch under a pile of blankets (my windows SUCK and it is always SO cold in here!!) and we talked. I asked him what was going on, why he was being a jerk (I don't sugar coat stuff for him - the blunt honesty works better).
The deal is pretty much this: he's confused. He isn't a big fan of J's gf - doesn't really like her much. But he loves her because she takes care of and provides for him. But he already has a mommy (me) and having her act like she's his mom too has him mixed up a little. I suspect there's some resentment there too - I wouldn't be surprised if he holds her (at least partially) responsible for J and I splitting up and for the custody change.
I told him this: He doesn't have to like her - I didn't always like my mom when I was a kid. I don't always like some of my family members now that I'm an adult. But I will always love them and always try to treat them with respect. And that's what I need him to do too. I need him to always be polite and respectful, even if she's making him crazy. That's his job as part of this family unit. And I need him to consider her an extension of me - she's, more or less, his mom when I'm not there to do it.
He brought up the time I hit her - and I admitted that I lost my temper and made a bad choice, but now I do everything it takes to not repeat that mistake. I told him that I'm not crazy about her either (I think it's good to be tactfully honest with him) but I still have to be respectful. And we agreed that she makes no secrets about the fact that she doesn't like me AT ALL, but has been making an effort to get along with me and work together to raise them as best as we can. It's all part of growing up and being a mature, responsible adult. And that's what we need from him too. He's not a little kid anymore and he has to be respectful.
It seemed like he was more at peace once we talked. Like he needed to know that his feelings were valid and justified and ok. That he doesn't HAVE to like her all the time, just that he can't be a jerk about it.
Now to figure out how to tactfully explain this all to his dad....yikes!
S/N - my sweet boy who used to snuggle all the time but stopped for a long time, initiated the snuggles last night. And pointed out that while he may be too tall to curl up in my lap now, his head will never be too big to rest on my leg. <3