Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever. ~Keri Russell
Five years ago, I made one seemingly small decision that changed my life forever. That sounds so melodramatic, and at the time it didn't seem like it would be such a big deal, but as it turns out it was. To talk about the change, I have to talk about everything that lead up to it.
January 2010 - I had become very fully immersed in Stargate fandom, having fallen totally in love with Stargate: Atlantis and gotten involved in a fandom forum and writing fan fiction and chatting for hours on end with fellow fangirls. I was a stay at home mom and nannying for a friend. It was also the winter that we had all those horrible snowstorms and the kids got what felt like endless snow days. Through fandom, I had developed my first major girl-crush in a long time and this opened up a lot of conversation with an online friend about sexuality. I have known since junior high that I am not straight. The female form turns me on, has since I was young. But I was typically boy-crazy in junior high and high school. My journal was full of boys' names with hearts all around them. I had the same boyfriend for 2 1/2 years in high school, not because I thought it was right but because I geniunely liked (and maybe even loved). I was attracted to him. So, not gay...but definitely not straight. I had a lot of conversations about the fact that the only chance I'd had to explore my sexuality as one kiss in college and a lot of conversations about my curiousity.
At the same time, my marriage wasn't doing so great. My husband and I fought more often than not. We'd become strangers, spending every evening sitting on opposites sides of the couch, both plugged into our laptops and not talking to one another. I'd be on the Gateworld forum or talking to friends (or writing fan fiction) and he'd be on his forums or doing whatever it was he did (I still don't know). I felt like he wasn't engaging with the kids, money was always super tight which added to the stress. I spent a lot of time caring for everyone (my little family, my sisters, their kids) with little to no support from him. He veiwed his days off as "his time" and would be upset if I expected his help on those days. We just didn't know each other any more and any attempts I made at trying to "fix" things fell on deaf ears. We'd started just going through the motions, stuck in a rut and neither of us bold enough to make any changes.
Until the day that I, hypothetically (I thought), asked him how he would feel about me exploring my sexuality. Asking if it would be ok, if the situation every presented itself, if I hooked up with a girl. At the time, it was truly hypothetical. I wasn't exactly frequenting gay bars and this town isn't known for it's large gay population or anything, so I didn't think anything would ever come of it.
And then I met M. And everything changed. She was cute. And she was into me. My husband met her, and long story short, encouraged my exploration. He said he wanted me to be sure and to be able to know who I am and what I wanted and he didn't want to stand in the way of that.
This was the decision that changed everything. Long story short, we got involved, my husband left and started seeing someone else and things just spiraled.
Fast forward to spring 2012 - he petitions for primary custody, M spanks my eldest hard enough to leave a bruise and in the process he loses his balance and bangs his face on a wooden DVD stand (which leaves a mark), his gf convinces him to call CYF on us (alleging that M is abusing the boys) and a few days later convinces him to take the boys from me. This starts a downward spiral in which I lose EVERYTHING - the boys, the house, the car, my job. I find myself with no where to go, stuck in an abusive relationship with a drug addict. I fight my husband in correct - three special relief hearings to be exact - with little satisfaction. That summer was a living hell. I sunk into depression so deep I really didn't see anyway out. I thought often about hurting myself. I saw no reason to keep on keeping on. If the judge wouldn't believe that I wasn't allowing anyone to hurt my children and believed I'd failed to protect them and wasn't a good mother, what was the point of holding on? I was awarded phone calls every evening - unsatisifying calls with boys who didn't like to talk on the phone. Calls that I later learned (although I had suspected all along) were monitored and cut short by my husband's girlfriend.
My sister started dragging me to church with her on Wednesday nights. She was part of the choir and knew how music has always soothed my soul. And she knew I needed to start going more regularly. I was in a fog and just kind of went where she told me. She'd tell me to get in the car and I would. Nothing mattered anymore.
It was on one of these Wednesday nights that things changed for me again. I heard a testimony that spoke volumes to me, and I started opening up about what I was going through. I started to share my struggles and story. In the meantime, I was evicted from the house I'd lived in for almost 8 years and found myself with nowhere to go. I ended up moving into M's mother's attic. My relationship moved from emotionally and verbally abusive to being physically abusive as well. I got a new job, on the busline, and tried to find a way to break away from M once and for all. She was out of control and I didn't want to be a part of it anymore.
Walking to my sisters' house one night, I saw a For Rent sign on a house. I called the number and met with the landlord. Arrangements were made for me to sign a lease and I informed M that I was moving on my own. She wasn't welcome to move with me and I was done with trying to make our relationship work.
January 2013 - I made it a committment to go to women's group at church every Wednesday night. It was the bright spot to my week, the chance to refill my spirtual tank until I could be in church Sunday morning. M wouldn't go with me, and I was actually grateful for that. My small group was amazing, supportive and understanding, and healing began. I redidicated my life to Jesus, I accepted Him into my heart. I finally realized that I couldn't keep trying to control everything and that I had to give the things I couldn't control to God and let Him handle it.
While I was rebuilding, M was falling apart. She ended up being arrested and going to jail for a significant amount of time. It took a while, but I finally made a complete break from her.
April 2013 - I made the decision to be baptized again. And EVERYTHING changed. I went back to school, I got the boys on weekends, I was working in a daycare with old friends. I was letting God have the control and doing everything in His glory. Life was becoming more "normal".
Then I saw a video that kind of changed my life again - a video about human trafficking. And i felt a weight so heavy on my heart to do something about it.
September 2014 - I graduated with my master's degree in education with a specialization in family and community service. I continued to explore ways to volunteer with Living in Liberty. I started to feel like my days working in childcare needed to come to end; that it was time to move on and do something new and challenging. To trust God's plan for me and step out of my comfort zone.
I applied for a job with the county as a caseworker for CYF. And God's plan started to make itself known - each step of the application and interveiwing process went smoothly. I start my new job on April 20 and for the first time in my life, I feel a peace about this change. I'm going into a situation where I know no one and have no idea what to expect, and normally that would incite so much panic and anxiety in me. But, this is a God-ordained change. This is what, I believe, that one seemingly small yet life-altering decision five years ago has been leading to. And because it is HIS and not MINE, there is nothing but peace and calm. Leaving the daycare is bittersweet - I love my job and my families and I'm sad to go - but I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is a chance that I have to take and it is a risk that will pay off in the end. I truly believe that if I take this leap of faith, He will help me soar.
My life is nothing like it was five years ago. I am now divorced and sharing custody of my boys. I am co-parenting and dealing with the struggles associated with that. I am helping my boys to make sense of their own bad experiences and helping them to heal.
But *I* am nothing like I was five years ago. I have found a quiet strength in myself that I never knew I had. I have a peace and calm about me that never existed before. I've stopped fighting unnecessary battles and have learned to save my energy for what really matters. I've learned to let go and let God (the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn!). I forgive easily (some people say too easily), because I've learned that forgiving isn't for the other person, but for me, and that holding on to hurts only hurts me. Forgiving doesn't mean trusting or forgetting, but it does allow for healing.
One seemingly small and insignificant decision. One choice. It broke me down, took me to rock bottom, completely changed everything. And I couldn't be more grateful. Life isn't perfect, it won't ever be, but it certainly is good!
January 2010 - I had become very fully immersed in Stargate fandom, having fallen totally in love with Stargate: Atlantis and gotten involved in a fandom forum and writing fan fiction and chatting for hours on end with fellow fangirls. I was a stay at home mom and nannying for a friend. It was also the winter that we had all those horrible snowstorms and the kids got what felt like endless snow days. Through fandom, I had developed my first major girl-crush in a long time and this opened up a lot of conversation with an online friend about sexuality. I have known since junior high that I am not straight. The female form turns me on, has since I was young. But I was typically boy-crazy in junior high and high school. My journal was full of boys' names with hearts all around them. I had the same boyfriend for 2 1/2 years in high school, not because I thought it was right but because I geniunely liked (and maybe even loved). I was attracted to him. So, not gay...but definitely not straight. I had a lot of conversations about the fact that the only chance I'd had to explore my sexuality as one kiss in college and a lot of conversations about my curiousity.
At the same time, my marriage wasn't doing so great. My husband and I fought more often than not. We'd become strangers, spending every evening sitting on opposites sides of the couch, both plugged into our laptops and not talking to one another. I'd be on the Gateworld forum or talking to friends (or writing fan fiction) and he'd be on his forums or doing whatever it was he did (I still don't know). I felt like he wasn't engaging with the kids, money was always super tight which added to the stress. I spent a lot of time caring for everyone (my little family, my sisters, their kids) with little to no support from him. He veiwed his days off as "his time" and would be upset if I expected his help on those days. We just didn't know each other any more and any attempts I made at trying to "fix" things fell on deaf ears. We'd started just going through the motions, stuck in a rut and neither of us bold enough to make any changes.
Until the day that I, hypothetically (I thought), asked him how he would feel about me exploring my sexuality. Asking if it would be ok, if the situation every presented itself, if I hooked up with a girl. At the time, it was truly hypothetical. I wasn't exactly frequenting gay bars and this town isn't known for it's large gay population or anything, so I didn't think anything would ever come of it.
And then I met M. And everything changed. She was cute. And she was into me. My husband met her, and long story short, encouraged my exploration. He said he wanted me to be sure and to be able to know who I am and what I wanted and he didn't want to stand in the way of that.
This was the decision that changed everything. Long story short, we got involved, my husband left and started seeing someone else and things just spiraled.
Fast forward to spring 2012 - he petitions for primary custody, M spanks my eldest hard enough to leave a bruise and in the process he loses his balance and bangs his face on a wooden DVD stand (which leaves a mark), his gf convinces him to call CYF on us (alleging that M is abusing the boys) and a few days later convinces him to take the boys from me. This starts a downward spiral in which I lose EVERYTHING - the boys, the house, the car, my job. I find myself with no where to go, stuck in an abusive relationship with a drug addict. I fight my husband in correct - three special relief hearings to be exact - with little satisfaction. That summer was a living hell. I sunk into depression so deep I really didn't see anyway out. I thought often about hurting myself. I saw no reason to keep on keeping on. If the judge wouldn't believe that I wasn't allowing anyone to hurt my children and believed I'd failed to protect them and wasn't a good mother, what was the point of holding on? I was awarded phone calls every evening - unsatisifying calls with boys who didn't like to talk on the phone. Calls that I later learned (although I had suspected all along) were monitored and cut short by my husband's girlfriend.
My sister started dragging me to church with her on Wednesday nights. She was part of the choir and knew how music has always soothed my soul. And she knew I needed to start going more regularly. I was in a fog and just kind of went where she told me. She'd tell me to get in the car and I would. Nothing mattered anymore.
It was on one of these Wednesday nights that things changed for me again. I heard a testimony that spoke volumes to me, and I started opening up about what I was going through. I started to share my struggles and story. In the meantime, I was evicted from the house I'd lived in for almost 8 years and found myself with nowhere to go. I ended up moving into M's mother's attic. My relationship moved from emotionally and verbally abusive to being physically abusive as well. I got a new job, on the busline, and tried to find a way to break away from M once and for all. She was out of control and I didn't want to be a part of it anymore.
Walking to my sisters' house one night, I saw a For Rent sign on a house. I called the number and met with the landlord. Arrangements were made for me to sign a lease and I informed M that I was moving on my own. She wasn't welcome to move with me and I was done with trying to make our relationship work.
January 2013 - I made it a committment to go to women's group at church every Wednesday night. It was the bright spot to my week, the chance to refill my spirtual tank until I could be in church Sunday morning. M wouldn't go with me, and I was actually grateful for that. My small group was amazing, supportive and understanding, and healing began. I redidicated my life to Jesus, I accepted Him into my heart. I finally realized that I couldn't keep trying to control everything and that I had to give the things I couldn't control to God and let Him handle it.
While I was rebuilding, M was falling apart. She ended up being arrested and going to jail for a significant amount of time. It took a while, but I finally made a complete break from her.
April 2013 - I made the decision to be baptized again. And EVERYTHING changed. I went back to school, I got the boys on weekends, I was working in a daycare with old friends. I was letting God have the control and doing everything in His glory. Life was becoming more "normal".
Then I saw a video that kind of changed my life again - a video about human trafficking. And i felt a weight so heavy on my heart to do something about it.
September 2014 - I graduated with my master's degree in education with a specialization in family and community service. I continued to explore ways to volunteer with Living in Liberty. I started to feel like my days working in childcare needed to come to end; that it was time to move on and do something new and challenging. To trust God's plan for me and step out of my comfort zone.
I applied for a job with the county as a caseworker for CYF. And God's plan started to make itself known - each step of the application and interveiwing process went smoothly. I start my new job on April 20 and for the first time in my life, I feel a peace about this change. I'm going into a situation where I know no one and have no idea what to expect, and normally that would incite so much panic and anxiety in me. But, this is a God-ordained change. This is what, I believe, that one seemingly small yet life-altering decision five years ago has been leading to. And because it is HIS and not MINE, there is nothing but peace and calm. Leaving the daycare is bittersweet - I love my job and my families and I'm sad to go - but I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is a chance that I have to take and it is a risk that will pay off in the end. I truly believe that if I take this leap of faith, He will help me soar.
My life is nothing like it was five years ago. I am now divorced and sharing custody of my boys. I am co-parenting and dealing with the struggles associated with that. I am helping my boys to make sense of their own bad experiences and helping them to heal.
But *I* am nothing like I was five years ago. I have found a quiet strength in myself that I never knew I had. I have a peace and calm about me that never existed before. I've stopped fighting unnecessary battles and have learned to save my energy for what really matters. I've learned to let go and let God (the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn!). I forgive easily (some people say too easily), because I've learned that forgiving isn't for the other person, but for me, and that holding on to hurts only hurts me. Forgiving doesn't mean trusting or forgetting, but it does allow for healing.
One seemingly small and insignificant decision. One choice. It broke me down, took me to rock bottom, completely changed everything. And I couldn't be more grateful. Life isn't perfect, it won't ever be, but it certainly is good!