Happily Ever After and all the Junk (or being grateful for what I have)
I've been binge watching Once Upon a Time, trying to get all caught up before the new season starts next month. Pair that with a playlist I made for inspiring shippy, romantic fan fics, a long couple of weeks and a green apple Smirnoff Ice and you end up with blog posts like this one...
I went to the river to listen to music and just "be" for a little bit tonight. The weather is gorgeous, with a cool breeze blowing across the water. The rocks I used to sit on all the time years ago are back and they make the perfect little chair. The clouds moving across the moon made the sky look just right. It got me into a mood....
And I found myself missing people I have no business missing. And thinking about people who, I'm pretty sure, don't spend much time thinking about me. And I got a little melancholy and started thinking thinky thoughts about where I am right now.
I started to wonder if maybe I'd given up too easily five years ago. That maybe i should have fought harder for my marriage, instead of letting the disagreements wear me down. Instead of letting it become so easy for us to let other people in and tear down what we had. it may not have been strong or perfect, but it was ours and maybe it was my job to fight a little harder for it than I had. (and this is where I started feeling influenced by OUAT) Maybe I should have been more like Snow and Charming - they keep finding each other over and over again, fighting what seem to be insurmountable odds for their love (I am fully aware that it's a TV show based on fairy tales...I haven't totally lost it, yet). I believe love can conquer anything. I really do. And I believe, like Snow, that believing in the best and the good in people is what's important. Did i let go of that five years ago when i should have held on tighter?
At this point, it doesn't really matter. It's a moot point. The marriage is over, he hasn't changed and I am not interested in revisiting something that was broken and trying to fix it. I've reconciled myself with the past that, right or wrong, it's done and over and we're not going back. And that's ok.
But does this mean I've become like Regina and Emma? Burned by love to the point that I'm scared to try again? Willing to be lonely and sad and alone because it means that at least my heart will be protected? I'm not sure "Evil Queen" is a good fit for me. (and while we're talking about Emma....I think she's crazy...I mean, if I had Hook pining after me, I'd give him a chance. In this case, it would be worth the risk of a broken heart, just sayin')
Then I started to think that maybe I'm looking at it all wrong. I started to take stock in my life and I came up with this:
I live a very full life. I have a job I enjoy, and more importantly, a job I believe will make a difference. I have family and friends who love and support me. My life is full of love and laughter and kids who think it's cool to have matching necklaces with their crazy Aunt Krista and who call me when they need to talk or are excited about life and want to share with someone they love. I have boys who fight over who gets to hold my hand and who will hold the door open for me. My life is not perfect, but it's good. And maybe THAT'S what matters. And maybe I'm not really missing anything at all.
I get into this rut, into this pattern of thinking that I'm missing something because I'm single. But maybe that's the point....maybe I need to be single to see that I'm not really missing anything at all. And to understand that it will all fall into place eventually, and that I'll have everything I'm meant to have, even if I have no idea what that looks like right now.
Maybe I already have my happily ever after, and I've been too busy looking for more to realize it.
I went to the river to listen to music and just "be" for a little bit tonight. The weather is gorgeous, with a cool breeze blowing across the water. The rocks I used to sit on all the time years ago are back and they make the perfect little chair. The clouds moving across the moon made the sky look just right. It got me into a mood....
And I found myself missing people I have no business missing. And thinking about people who, I'm pretty sure, don't spend much time thinking about me. And I got a little melancholy and started thinking thinky thoughts about where I am right now.
I started to wonder if maybe I'd given up too easily five years ago. That maybe i should have fought harder for my marriage, instead of letting the disagreements wear me down. Instead of letting it become so easy for us to let other people in and tear down what we had. it may not have been strong or perfect, but it was ours and maybe it was my job to fight a little harder for it than I had. (and this is where I started feeling influenced by OUAT) Maybe I should have been more like Snow and Charming - they keep finding each other over and over again, fighting what seem to be insurmountable odds for their love (I am fully aware that it's a TV show based on fairy tales...I haven't totally lost it, yet). I believe love can conquer anything. I really do. And I believe, like Snow, that believing in the best and the good in people is what's important. Did i let go of that five years ago when i should have held on tighter?
At this point, it doesn't really matter. It's a moot point. The marriage is over, he hasn't changed and I am not interested in revisiting something that was broken and trying to fix it. I've reconciled myself with the past that, right or wrong, it's done and over and we're not going back. And that's ok.
But does this mean I've become like Regina and Emma? Burned by love to the point that I'm scared to try again? Willing to be lonely and sad and alone because it means that at least my heart will be protected? I'm not sure "Evil Queen" is a good fit for me. (and while we're talking about Emma....I think she's crazy...I mean, if I had Hook pining after me, I'd give him a chance. In this case, it would be worth the risk of a broken heart, just sayin')
Then I started to think that maybe I'm looking at it all wrong. I started to take stock in my life and I came up with this:
I live a very full life. I have a job I enjoy, and more importantly, a job I believe will make a difference. I have family and friends who love and support me. My life is full of love and laughter and kids who think it's cool to have matching necklaces with their crazy Aunt Krista and who call me when they need to talk or are excited about life and want to share with someone they love. I have boys who fight over who gets to hold my hand and who will hold the door open for me. My life is not perfect, but it's good. And maybe THAT'S what matters. And maybe I'm not really missing anything at all.
I get into this rut, into this pattern of thinking that I'm missing something because I'm single. But maybe that's the point....maybe I need to be single to see that I'm not really missing anything at all. And to understand that it will all fall into place eventually, and that I'll have everything I'm meant to have, even if I have no idea what that looks like right now.
Maybe I already have my happily ever after, and I've been too busy looking for more to realize it.