Thinky thoughts and working through some stuff
It's been a while since I've posted....and I've realized that I need to start blogging more, as blogging helps me clear out the cobwebs, think more concisely and stop getting overwhelemed by the stuff I can't control.
So here we go...
I've been struggling a lot with depression and anxiety the past couple of weeks. And some PTSD-like symptoms. And it's been pissing me off, because I don't like feeling like a disease has control over me.
Some of the triggers were pretty obvious - I helped a co-worker remove chidren and place them in foster care. That weighed heavily on my heart, even though I knew the placement was best for them and necessary. It'd been a long day and it messed me up a little. That's easy enough to work through...
Another: I was assigned an investigation that involved domestic violence. Holy triggers, Batman. I thought I'd gotten past the effects of my own DV situation. I mean, it's been YEARS since I've even had contact with my abuser. And I'd worked through, I thought, my feelings and the mess of the boys' abuse. WRONG WRONG WRONG. The day I read the report, it hit me, hard and I was overwhelemed by this feeling that can only be described as "unsettled". I knew I had to interview both parents...and the report indicated that the father was violent, unpredicatble and angry. I knew I'd take a male coworker with me for that interview. I knew I couldn't pass this case off to another caseworker (really, I probably could have but there was no chance in hell I was letting it get the better of me). I called and scheduled an appointment to go see him - an unannounced visit wasn't a good idea in this case - and went to see him today. I had a panic attack this morning and was a total mess. The meeting went all right - but I definitely felt like he was so much like all the others. My anxiety and the PTSD were out of control and overwheleming. I'm glad it's over.
Then there are the not-so-obvious triggers: thanks to TimeHop and Facebook, I've been reminded of so many things that happen this time of year....It was May when M and I hooked up, ultimately destroying my marriage for good and leading to the unhealthy and abusive relationship from which I feel like I've never fully recover. It was April when J and his (now ex)gf took the kids, leading to my losing everything and hitting rock bottom. It was March when I finally told M it was over for good and claimed my life back (at least started to). It was March when I prayed the salvation prayer and gave my life back to God; it was April when I was baptized and when I decided to go to grad school.
Everything, positive and negative, seems to happen in the spring for me. Every big change, every challenge, every victory (at least the major ones) happen between March and May. It's no wonder, then, that my depression and anxiety and everything that goes with PTSD hits me between March and May.
I need to find a way to take my life back and fight back. It's confusing and frustrating to have depression and anxiety. I make plans, then depression says "nope...no social interaction today...we can't handle that" so I cancel the plans. Then anxiety says "oh no...now everyone's going to think we don't like them....we're gonna lose all our friends and be alone forever." And the cycle goes on and on. I should probably start counseling, but for now I turn to worship and prayer and try to give it all to God. Sometimes it works...sometimes it doesn't. And I'm worried that counseling would lead to "hey, here, try this medication", and I'm not sure that's an option I want to consider. All I do know is that I'm sick of feeling this way.
And then there's this: (which is not related to all of the above, really, at all)
I have a crush...a coworker. A female one. And the thing is, I don't do the workplace relationship thing. I think it would be really awkward...either because now I've seen a coworker naked OR it doesn't work out but I still have to see them all the time. But even more, I'm not entirely sure of how I feel about being attracted to or interested in a woman. It's not a path I thought I'd travel again, and I'm struggling with that.
For now, though, I'm focusing on getting to know her and trying to become her friend. I do believe, attraction aside, that she has been placed in my life for a reason. There's a plan to it all. Our paths have crossed too many times, in ways that make it seem so obvious, that I can't believe that it's an accident. From making up a training with my training group and sitting at the same table as me, to working in the same building when there were 5 possibilities, to transferring to the office I'm in and taking the cubicle near mine...it's too much to think it happened by accident. There's more here....not necessarily in a future relationship kind of way, but there's more. I don't know if it's the similarities in our failed marriages and fucked up custody situations (although my situation is getting better) or if there's something else going on, but there's more. It took me a while, but I'm finally able to strike up a conversation. The rest will become clear in time, of that I'm sure. I just wish I could get over the whole "oh she's cute" part...it would make everything a hell of lot easier.
I need my mind to clear. I need the depression and the anxiety and the PTSD bull shit to settle down and leave me alone. I need to remember to keep giving the stuff I can't control to God for Him to handle and trust in His will and His timing.
So here we go...
I've been struggling a lot with depression and anxiety the past couple of weeks. And some PTSD-like symptoms. And it's been pissing me off, because I don't like feeling like a disease has control over me.
Some of the triggers were pretty obvious - I helped a co-worker remove chidren and place them in foster care. That weighed heavily on my heart, even though I knew the placement was best for them and necessary. It'd been a long day and it messed me up a little. That's easy enough to work through...
Another: I was assigned an investigation that involved domestic violence. Holy triggers, Batman. I thought I'd gotten past the effects of my own DV situation. I mean, it's been YEARS since I've even had contact with my abuser. And I'd worked through, I thought, my feelings and the mess of the boys' abuse. WRONG WRONG WRONG. The day I read the report, it hit me, hard and I was overwhelemed by this feeling that can only be described as "unsettled". I knew I had to interview both parents...and the report indicated that the father was violent, unpredicatble and angry. I knew I'd take a male coworker with me for that interview. I knew I couldn't pass this case off to another caseworker (really, I probably could have but there was no chance in hell I was letting it get the better of me). I called and scheduled an appointment to go see him - an unannounced visit wasn't a good idea in this case - and went to see him today. I had a panic attack this morning and was a total mess. The meeting went all right - but I definitely felt like he was so much like all the others. My anxiety and the PTSD were out of control and overwheleming. I'm glad it's over.
Then there are the not-so-obvious triggers: thanks to TimeHop and Facebook, I've been reminded of so many things that happen this time of year....It was May when M and I hooked up, ultimately destroying my marriage for good and leading to the unhealthy and abusive relationship from which I feel like I've never fully recover. It was April when J and his (now ex)gf took the kids, leading to my losing everything and hitting rock bottom. It was March when I finally told M it was over for good and claimed my life back (at least started to). It was March when I prayed the salvation prayer and gave my life back to God; it was April when I was baptized and when I decided to go to grad school.
Everything, positive and negative, seems to happen in the spring for me. Every big change, every challenge, every victory (at least the major ones) happen between March and May. It's no wonder, then, that my depression and anxiety and everything that goes with PTSD hits me between March and May.
I need to find a way to take my life back and fight back. It's confusing and frustrating to have depression and anxiety. I make plans, then depression says "nope...no social interaction today...we can't handle that" so I cancel the plans. Then anxiety says "oh no...now everyone's going to think we don't like them....we're gonna lose all our friends and be alone forever." And the cycle goes on and on. I should probably start counseling, but for now I turn to worship and prayer and try to give it all to God. Sometimes it works...sometimes it doesn't. And I'm worried that counseling would lead to "hey, here, try this medication", and I'm not sure that's an option I want to consider. All I do know is that I'm sick of feeling this way.
And then there's this: (which is not related to all of the above, really, at all)
I have a crush...a coworker. A female one. And the thing is, I don't do the workplace relationship thing. I think it would be really awkward...either because now I've seen a coworker naked OR it doesn't work out but I still have to see them all the time. But even more, I'm not entirely sure of how I feel about being attracted to or interested in a woman. It's not a path I thought I'd travel again, and I'm struggling with that.
For now, though, I'm focusing on getting to know her and trying to become her friend. I do believe, attraction aside, that she has been placed in my life for a reason. There's a plan to it all. Our paths have crossed too many times, in ways that make it seem so obvious, that I can't believe that it's an accident. From making up a training with my training group and sitting at the same table as me, to working in the same building when there were 5 possibilities, to transferring to the office I'm in and taking the cubicle near mine...it's too much to think it happened by accident. There's more here....not necessarily in a future relationship kind of way, but there's more. I don't know if it's the similarities in our failed marriages and fucked up custody situations (although my situation is getting better) or if there's something else going on, but there's more. It took me a while, but I'm finally able to strike up a conversation. The rest will become clear in time, of that I'm sure. I just wish I could get over the whole "oh she's cute" part...it would make everything a hell of lot easier.
I need my mind to clear. I need the depression and the anxiety and the PTSD bull shit to settle down and leave me alone. I need to remember to keep giving the stuff I can't control to God for Him to handle and trust in His will and His timing.