fic: Of Roses and Thorns
Title: Of Roses and Thorns
Pairings: Ontae, but not in the way that you might think. There is someone else in the equation….
Genre: AU, Suspense, Angst, Romance of the worst kind
Warnings: Incest, language, sexual situations, character death
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Love is messy, especially when it involves someone you shouldn’t be in love with…by the laws of nature.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Shinee.
a/n: Something dark, something immoral. Result of one of the cracked out discussions my friend and I have late at night when we’re tired as fuck and horny She asked if I’d fool around with my bias (Jinki) if he was my son-and if he came on to me first. My response? Well, this fic certainly isn’t representative of it. That’s all I will say. Just practicing my hand at taboo themes, don’t mind me.
"Sin is not harmful because it is forbidden, but it is forbidden because it is harmful"
-Benjamin Franklin
Onew loves his mother.
On her sixteenth birthday, she gave birth to a 6 pound, 5 ounce baby boy. It was in early winter and she was staying with a dear friend of hers-since her parents weren’t exactly thrilled to become grandparents at such an age. Nor were they, the pastor and head deaconess of the church, happy with their seemingly innocent daughter hooking up with some ruffian she fell in love with that worked at an automobile shop, carelessly getting knocked up by him. The day she informed them of her pregnancy, her face was already streaked with mascara because the father of her unborn apparently wasn’t ready either and had since bailed. She told her parents he’d moved away to the other side of Seoul. They huffed and said good riddance. And then her grief turned into overwhelming anger.
So angry, she didn’t mind being kicked out. Her best friend, who was emancipated from her own parents, took her in and they relied on welfare from the state. When Lee Jinki was born on that cold, December night, his mother was alone in the hospital room. No family, no friends-not even her best friend. But all her worries and sorrows melted away when she held him for the first time, his tiny, crying red face bringing such joy and peace to her heart. She’d never be lonely again. A happy birthday after all.
Onew loves his mother.
She still loved her parents, so her son was named after his grandfather. Still, she found as the boy grew, he had a sort of gentleness about him, so she felt more comfortable nicknaming and calling him Onew. He was such a delight. Always eager to learn, always wanting to help his mother even though he still couldn’t tie his own shoelaces. He took a great interest in animals around age 4 or so; one day he found an injured bird in front of their new apartment and, to his mother’s astonishment, knew exactly what to do for the little thing. Of course, he was no expert, so she had to help him bandage and applying ointment to the wing, yet it was still amazing how tender and mature he was about it. She bought him medical toys, and soon she would see him with a stethoscope in his small ears listening to the heartbeat of his patients who were, of course, his stuffed animals. She also bought him several books with her poor paycheck. It was worth it to watch him immerse himself into them, even reading them as bedtime stories-often she’d have to ask him if he wanted her to read to him, or he’d read to her to show off his aegyo, much to the squealing fan girl inside her.
But despite his early independence, he was just like any young child attached to his mother. He liked being tucked in. He loved snuggling with his mother under a blanket and sipping hot, sweet drinks. He loved being under her foot, being her shadow, crawling under her skirts and lifting his head up at her with a snaggle-toothed grin. He was a lovable little boy.
His only problem was that he had a hard time socializing with the other children at school, but in time, the teacher told his mother, the issue would fade away: For some children it was common, it was a slow process trying to fit in, coming straight out of the comfort of home and entering a brand new world of interaction. Onew often sulked, pouted and puffed his fat cheeks when it was time to go to school. But he was obedient and wanted to please his mother as best he could, so he went without complaint after a few weeks.
Onew loves his mother.
He was sweet. So sweet. Mother’s Day was a treat, as he would buy fresh flowers or buy a card and some candy for the special day. When he was short on coins, the card was homemade, he picked his own flowers and he baked her cookies. He showered her with kisses and hugs, more than the usual; even gave her various massages and foot rubs. Since they had a joint birthday, when she would go out her way as a parent to make sure he had special presents and such, he would be off doing the same and in the evening, they exchanged gifts lovingly. One gift in particular she’d gotten for him was a puppy and there was this smile on her son’s face like she’d never seen before.
Things were getting better all the time. Onew was phenomenal in school and every week, there was some new A+ paper on the fridge already full of achievements, and drawings and poems he’d created for her. She reconciled with her parents, so Onew now had his grandparents to dote on him too. She’d gone to college part time, gotten a decent degree and now, had a decent job. She was grateful that Onew didn’t seem to mind his father wasn’t around, yet she knew he hardly cared- because he loved her. She was there, she was all he needed. She was mother and father. And that was just fine with him.
Onew loves his mother.
As a young teenager, she expected the usual metamorphosis. She thought they’d start to drift apart. Yet it was the total opposite. They were closer than ever. It was like Onew made certain of it, going against the urge of peer pressure. Unfortunately, his kindergarten teacher had been wrong. He had grown even more withdrawn when it came to other students, a prime reason because he was a bit chubby. And besides that, he was a bit on the sensitive side so he was bullied for being a “sissy” or a ”momma’s boy”-the latter because he still let his mother kiss him goodbye in front of everyone when she dropped him off at school.
But she was there for him. When they picked at him and he came home crying, she’d hold him against her bosom and stroke his head with tender words. When they beat him up, she raised hell in the principal’s office and patched up both bruises and hurt feelings with iodine and ice cream.
And whenever she’d find herself crying herself to sleep, reliving the day Onew’s father callously left her, a figure would slip into bed with her and cuddle, whispering that it was going to be okay. He was there for her too.
Onew loves his mother.
He’d grown out of the baby fat and was now tall, handsome and nicely built. An ugly duckling turned swan. As a high school student, he was still considered strange, yet it didn’t bother him anymore. Now, his problems were within his own home.
His relationship with his mother was still as strong and close as ever. Mother’s Day wasn’t the only day he spoiled her. He did everything for her willingly and dutifully as a son should- even told her he planned on attending medical school to become a veterinarian after he graduated, which brightened her face just as much as the puppy brightened his years ago.
Only, Onew wasn’t comfortable with the men his mother had started to date and allow in their home. He didn’t understand how she could feel so lonely when he was there all the time. Just as confusingly, Onew didn’t find himself attracted to the girls his age, whether they came on to him or the other way around. All he saw when he looked at them was his mother. None of them could ever care for him like her. None of them were as kind or silly or special like her. None of them could make his heart beat like she did. None of them could love him like she did. It’s often said that men tend to pursue women who remind them in some way of their own mothers. For Onew, however, there could never be such a woman.
His jealous feelings begin to put a rift between them. He confronted his mother about it so much, she finally yelled that it wasn’t his business and that he should respect her right as a grown woman, as well as his mother, that she talk to whomever she wanted to. Why couldn’t he let her be happy?
Onew was hurt and stalked off as she immediately regretted talking to him like that, with a bottom lip bit out of guilt. But that’s how it started.
Because he loved her dearly, he didn’t act on his spiteful plans to drive away those men that came to their house at night and left early in the morning. Not even that one Ji Hoon guy she dated for about a month.
Onew loves his mother. It was time to show her how much.
She’d arrived home with a flashy blue bag that contained Onew’s 18th birthday present. To her shock, as soon as she got through the threshold, there was the overwhelming scent of vanilla, sandalwood and her favorite foods smothering the air; soft jazz music from her favorite artist played in the background from the living room entertainment system. Her mouth watered when she came all the way in and set her purse, briefcase and the bag on the sofa. It was unusually dark as well- Onew came home before her and liked to have the blinds opened to let in the sun.
“Onew?” She called. She’d seen his car in the driveway so he most certainly was here. “Jinki-ah, where arrrre you?”
There was still no answer, but she smiled as she made her way to the kitchen. What she saw made her gasp and put one shivering hand over her left breast. Candles littered every flat surface area. Her favorite supper was decadently served on plates and bowls of her finest china, on the small glass dining room table. Near them were saucers and wine glasses which suspiciously looked like they were filled with her favorite champagne. In the middle was a pretty gold candelabrum whose flames emitted a soft glow. In one chair sat a large bouquet of the biggest, reddest roses she’d ever seen, some of the petals littering the carpet around the table. Pearlescent balloons were tied to the back. There was also a small white box and an envelope with her first name elegantly scrawled on it.
“Omo….” She put her hand to her mouth while the other went to caress the soft roses of the bouquet.
“Happy birthday omma.”
When she whirled around, there stood her son smiling at her with his hands behind his back. He wore a loose white shirt tucked into fitting black slacks, hair swept back and face cleanly shaven. It was the most dashing she’d ever seen him and before she knew it, she was running into his arms with tears in her eyes, bouquet in one hand. “Oh my goodness baby, you did all this for me? Thank you thank you thank you!” She said all these things between kisses to his cheeks, forehead, nose, eyes, everywhere she could kiss. “I love you so much!” Exclaimed with the zest only a giddy school girl possessed. There was one still inside her, and she probably wasn’t going anywhere.
Onew only chuckled as he embraced her back just as tightly. Then gave her a big kiss as they separated, his hands still holding her waist; geez, she could never get used to him being a head taller than her. “I made dinner all by myself. It took a long time but in the end, it was worth it,” he grinned. The next second, his face grew more sincere. “And you deserve it. You deserve this and more for being the best mother anyone could have.”
“Aww, sweetheart.”
It was a magical evening. Often he treated her like a princess, but tonight, she was a queen. He escorted her back to the table where they shared dinner and she opened her present: a diamond necklace. She thought nothing of him wanting to hand feed her, him not ecstatic to open his present yet, him using a sultry deep voice she’d never heard when he spoke to her, his odd stares, his unusual quietness as they ate…even the way he licked his lips nervously when he cleared his throat to get her attention.
“Omma…I have something to tell you.”
“Oh?” She grinned, expecting nothing but good news. He was always sharing good news with her. She put her fork down in anticipation.
“I…I love you.”
She giggled and reached across the table to pinch his cheek. “That’s the news? But I already know that.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed thickly. His face was troubled. “I don’t mean it like that. I mean… that I really love you.”
“I really love you too,” she replied, an edge in her smile.
“Like….as more than a mother.”
She waited for him to laugh. At least crack a smile. But he never did. In fact, he was looking at her earnestly, waiting for some reaction. After a while, it became too much and he reverted to looking away with a deep blush.
Finally, her smile was gone altogether. Something unfamiliar settled in the pit of her stomach, and it wasn’t something to do with the food.
“Onew…is this serious?”
He looked like the shy little boy he used to be when his lips tucked in and he nodded at her once.
“But…”
“I did all this to set the mood. I didn’t know how else to tell you.” Onew’s voice suddenly grew stronger. “I love you with all my heart, omma. And I want to prove it to you.”
She didn’t know what to say. What could she say?
He got up and approached her side. Normally when he touched her, she felt warm and loved. Now, it felt foreign and unsettling. “You’re such a beautiful person, omma, inside and out. I…I’ve loved you like this for a long time. Its why I couldn’t stand to see you with those other men. They could never and will never do more for you than I can.”
She closed her eyes, fighting back tears. How could this have happened? What kind of mother was she? No, no. She was a good mother. She was everything a mother should be. She couldn’t have gone wrong…
“You’re my everything, omma. There could never be another one like you…”
His hand slide down her back and that’s when she came to her senses, jumping up. It scared him so he jumped back a few feet away. She stared at him through blurry eyes, wondering how she could say what she wanted to say. She started with exhaling and motioning him over. Her hands went out to grasp his tenderly yet firmly as she willed his eyes to stay on hers.
“I…deeply appreciate all that you’ve said, sweetie. You mean more to me than anything in the whole world and yes, I also think there could never be a more perfect son like you…but Jinki-ah, this isn’t right. I know you’re really close to me and may feel like you’ll never find a woman who you’ll love as much but…you have your whole life ahead of you. You’ll find her, and if she’s a good woman, I will thoroughly support the both of you.” She squeezed his hands lovingly. “I’m…glad you confessed this to me, that was pretty brave. I’m also thankful for the beautiful birthday evening you arranged.” A strained swallow.” A-and had you been someone else, I’d be very flattered with…your feelings toward me but…I’m your mother…and …you’re my son.”
He was listening thoughtfully until that last part. Suddenly, he pulled away from her soft hands, brows furrowing. “So what about that? So what about you being my mother. I love you and no one else. If anything, it is best this way.”
Her mouth fell open. What had happened to her precious Onew?
“You’ve always told me that love comes in many forms.” He paced in front of her. “You’re the one whole said that I should listen to my heart and go with what I feel. Well, I’m doing that and its not working.”
“There is a limit, Jinki-ah!” she cried abruptly. “I love you but I do not love you in a romantic sense! What would that make me look like?” Her tears flowed freely now. This was not happening. She was not explaining this to him. Something that should have been common sense. Something that should have been instinctually learned.
“I don’t know, what WOULD it?” he screamed back, hurt. He had marched up to her face now, beet red all the way down to his neck. “Do you want to say it would make you look sick? Disgraceful? Like a bad person? WHY?” Onew’s fists balled. She’d never seen him this angry, never this passionate. “What’s wrong with loving you? You’re perfect. Why can’t you admit you love me too?”
“JINKI YOU’RE MY SON. I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN LOVE WITH YOU!” With every word, she desperately shook his broad shoulders back and forth, trying to slow her rapidly beating heart. “I DON’T KNOW HOW ELSE TO SAY IT!”
It was silent for a few seconds before he closed his eyes and peeled her hands off of him. For some reason, the gesture made her chest ache and sting.
His tone was cold. “You’re in denial.”
“No, Onew…” She sounded tiny, tired. Frightened. Helpless.
“You are.” He cupped her face desperately. “But I’ll do whatever I need to do to make you realize this is real.” And before she could make a move, his plump lips were on hers, seeking entrance into her mouth. His young male body pushed into hers with all its might, trying to make her feel his desire. The other large hand roamed to clutch her backside, rub up her back, her ribs, the nape of her neck, her silky hair. But it was all over in a matter of three seconds when she struggled away and slapped him immediately. She didn’t even stay to watch his expression; her heels thumped down the hallway, almost to impale through the carpet, as she sobbed her way to her bedroom. She’d never had to strike him. And when she finally did, it was for a reason she’d never, in a million years, think to. Her door slammed and she slumped to her bed with her head in her hands. A headache was forming, but she was too drained to get up to her bathroom and take an aspirin. She felt sick to her stomach. She was entirely bewildered. At a time like this, she wished she believed in God again so she could pray about it. She wanted to call her mother for guidance.
But all she could do was sit there. Guilt riddling her body like a virus.
It only took about an hour for him to knock curtly and let himself in. She was curled up in fetal position on her made bed, still in her work clothes, about to drift into a fitful nap. When her groggy eyes noticed his disturbed expression and the red hand welt on his cheek, she felt like crying some more.
“Omma…” he touched her shoulder. It hurt them both when she flinched. “I brought you this…”
Her heart broke even more when she shifted and saw the mug of tea and tiny white pills. What would she do without him? He was so special…
“Thank you baby,” she whispered, reaching out to hold his wrist. He set the tea and pills down on her nightstand.
Yet in the next instant, he was climbing into bed with her. Not like how he did as a child to comfort her. He hovered over her so that their bellies touched. He cupped her cheek again, this time his other hand flat on the side of her head. Her widened eyes searched his. When she tried to move him, he stayed put like stone.
“Lee Jinki! Get off of me this instant!”
“No, omma,” he said calmly. “I...need you to understand that I’m not just your son. I’m a man now. A man who has needs and wants. A man who loves you and wants to take care of you. In fact, it would be better for you not to see me as your son anymore, but your lover,”
“Please, Jinki! We can’t-please get off me…”
He didn’t reply. Instead he went in to taste her lips again. She tried to slide her hand up to slap him, to get him to stop, but this time, he caught it and planted his lips to her palm with patient gentleness. His hips moved to align to hers, locking there smoothly and rocking against her. “Jinki, stop!” she whimpered, struggling under him. Yet to no avail. He moaned and went in to suck at her neck.
After a while though, her struggles ceased. Who’s to say why? Maybe because she was a mother to the end, wanting only happiness for her child. Maybe it was because she was tired, had no more fight left. Maybe it was because she wasn’t used to being loved, only fucked for someone else’s satisfaction. Maybe it was because he was stubborn, relentless…and very much a man, like he’d said. Maybe the way he suckled at her breasts gave her nostalgia, when he did it as an infant, and it gave her some sort of bizarre pleasure.
Or, perhaps, deep down, there was something for him too. Perhaps he was born with the traits of a man she’s always wanted to fall in love with. His compassionate nature, his intelligence, his handsomeness, his humor, all the things Onew’s father had perpetrated as and advertised himself to be. But she sincerely hoped that wasn’t the reason why she gave up.
Somewhere down the line, she’d forgotten that Onew was her son, like he’d suggested, and fell into his rhythm of hungry lust. She moaned and arched under him, scratching his back, grabbing his butt, urging him for more. Her mind screamed deafeningly for her to stop, yet it was too late and she was numb to the warnings. Somewhere down the line, he stopped groaning “omma” and addressed her by her first name in his intoxicated voice. He murmured little things in her ear that reminded her of milk and honey, promises that he’ll always be there, that he loves her, loves her, loves her. He even whispered that he had been saving himself for her, and her heart became shattered pieces subjected to a blowing wind, knowing she’d taken her son’s virginity. She felt horrid and sinful, yet oh so complete with the warmth of his body. It was thrilling yet disgusting to have him stroking her in the place he’d emerged from 18 years prior. She could almost cry with how tenderly he outlined every stretch mark on her stomach with his finger, kissed them, and while his lips were there, mumbled how beautiful they were because she’d gotten them for carrying him. It was endearing but, damn, as wrong as wrong could be.
He announced through his teeth that he loved her when he finally released, clutching her hips firmly with himself buried deeply inside her.
Only when it was over and he was pressed behind her, holding her, both of them still naked and moist, did she regret wholeheartedly that she’d given up. Under the covers, she trembled. Silent sobs wracked her body, harder than before. With a trembling sigh she turned and kissed his forehead as her hand stroked his damp, velvety hair. Upon his sleeping face was a content expression, one she wished she could have given to him through other means. It was probably as heart-achingly beautiful as the puppy-smile, though much more haunting.
Onew loves his mother.
She was in a hospital room again, the same maternity ward from nearly 19 years ago. Only this time, she wasn’t alone. Onew graciously let her punish him, he let her abuse his hand as she pushed and thrashed and screamed. She was in this position because she didn’t believe in murder-and she didn’t have to be Christian to feel this way.
And how could she kill her own blood? Her child….her grandchild?
The severe fucked-up ness of that thought corrupted her already spasming mind.
Lee Taemin was born soon after. He was 8 pounds and 8 ounces. An autumn baby. She held him first and before she passed him off to Onew, she could already tell he’d look more like his father. Taemin was, by miracle, 100% healthy despite his unnatural conception, which she and Onew didn’t dare tell the doctors and nurses about. But the staff did find it strange that when it came time for the birth certificate signing, Onew volunteered without hesitation. Even in her poor state, she felt fortunate that he’d been able to do it before her parents arrived; they were stuck in rush hour traffic.
One doctor slapped Onew’s back with a light, yet suspicious chuckle. “Yaaaah, you’re still a kid yourself, young man. Why are you dooming yourself so early?” he joked.
The woman’s eldest son chuckled back but his brown eyes burned intensely as he stared at his mother and their sleeping newborn. “My sister doesn’t have any one to help her. I’m going to make him my responsibility, no matter what. That’s what family does. We take care of one another.”
Taemin loved his hyung.
He really didn’t remember a lot about Onew playing with him or taking care of him as an infant, of course. Yet as soon as Onew returned from med school when Taemin was 8, they were inseparable. Onew was home to stay, which puzzled his grandparents and peers because he was pushing 30 and was expected to acquire his own bachelor’s pad (until he married, that is.)
But who could complain? Onew had his dream career within a month as a veterinarian. His income, in addition with his mother’s, was enough to take care of Taemin and more. Taemin was the most satisfied with their small, happy family. He had a loving mom and cool big brother. His mother realized the pattern-that Taemin didn’t seem to mind that he “didn’t" have a father around, and that accented with the fact that he had Onew. Onew was his father figure. Onew played catch with him, helped him with his homework, tucked him in at night, motivated him, encouraged his dream to dance, helped him in the morning for school, kissed him, hugged him, told him he loved him all the time…it was all Onew. Even when Onew had to discipline him, Taemin didn’t mind and still loved him at the end of the day. Onew was the best big brother anyone could have.
Taemin loved his hyung
He was 13 now. Unlike his brother, he was as rebellious as they came. Already he was delving into things he shouldn’t, like drugs and gambling. The world, his era, was slightly different from when Onew was coming up. And Taemin, although like his hyung in many ways, was also shockingly different. For one, he wasn’t as dedicated to his studies. He didn’t like chores and authority, so that put him, Onew, and his mother at odds a lot. He was respectful, yet had a terrible temper like his mother’s father. Suspensions from school, fighting, sneaking out at night….no one knew what it all attributed to.
Taemin had an idea. Over the years, he began to notice that his mother seemed to favor Onew more than he. She treated Taemin like the child he was, yes, but... Onew, she joked with and laughed and shared secrets all the time; sometimes they went out to do whatever adults like to do to unwind. Of course Onew was an adult. Taemin understood that. But there was something about it he didn’t like, that didn’t sit well with him, yet that he also couldn’t pinpoint. Through most of his unacceptable behavior, Taemin was simply seeking attention.
He couldn’t harbor ill will for long though. Onew was still a great brother. Wholly supportive. And his mother was still sweet and tolerant, surprisingly active even though she was nearing fifty. He started to think after a while that maybe he was being paranoid. They did have 18 years together before he showed on the scene, so they’d apparently be closer. Plus they loved him and would never do anything to hurt him. What was he stressing about?
That was the mature side of him peeking out. However, all those thoughts washed away when he awoke in the middle of one night to pee and heard strange sounds coming from his mother’s room. He’d watched plenty of pornos over his friend’s house to know not to be stupid. Though kinda disgusted, Taemin smirked like a naughty whelp and was about to go back to bed until he heard a second sound. The man she was with. He sounded familiar…
Dread flooded his chest as he bolted to Onew’s room. The door was open and he wasn’t in there. Then Taemin rushed to the front door. Peering out of the window, he saw that Onew’s car was still in the driveway. But just to triple check before he lost his mind, Taemin padded around the house in search of his older brother. Nowhere to be found.
Silently Taemin crept back to his mother’s door. Obviously, the sex was over. He heard his mother’s feathery laughter as she spoke. Then Onew’s deep, distinctive voice rang clear, asking her if it was good and if she wanted to do it again.
Taemin couldn’t tell if he was joking, yet he didn’t stay there to think about it. Teeth grinding, he went back to his bed, careful to not let the door slam. Angry, unshed tears were in his eyes as he brooded, laying atop the covers. He quivered from uncharted fury. He knew something was up. He knew he was right. But never in his wildest dreams did he think…
He punched into his mattress. Upon hearing a door open, close, then another one opening and closing again, he cursed violently under his breath.
Taemin loved his hyung. But it was time for some answers.
There was a kid at Taemin’s school who was clearly gay. He was also clearly shunned and without a friend in the whole establishment. Taemin didn’t too much care for him either, yet he would need him for his plan. Though heterosexual himself, he’d suck it up and let down his pride.
Surely he didn’t need to go to such drastic measures to have Onew confront him. But Taemin was too blinded by anger and hurt to care.
He approached the boy one day on pins and needles. He was polite and complimentary even though the boy was reclusive and suspicious for obvious reasons. Taemin, though, was a charmer, so eventually he and boy became secret friends out of school. It took a week for Taemin to gather the guts to tell the boy he was interested in him. Another week for the boy to confess. And during that time, Taemin was slowly weaning himself of Onew’s and his mother’s affections.
Finally, the weekend came when Taemin invited his new friend to his home. Everything was peachy until night fell. That’s when Taemin made his move. The seduction process was easy. He had the boy right where he wanted him. They kissed, like they had practiced times before, then moved on to undressing and foreplay. To Taemin, it was just business, he felt nothing, not even repulsiveness. He still didn’t feel anything when he guided his penis into the boy’s hole. It was like a pussy, only tighter, not that much of a difference. He didn’t even like the boy so he couldn’t enjoy it even if he wanted to.
Yet the boy did. He panted heavily as Taemin moved inside him. Taemin didn’t tell him to keep the noise down. It was a part of the plan. And soon, the plan was successful.
It was easy for Onew to burst into his room, as Taemin had purposely left his door unlocked.
“What the hell are you doing?!” His wild eyes danced between naked body and naked body in total rage and disbelief.
“What does it look like?” Taemin replied coolly, not even bothering to stop. He begin to pound harder as his blood begin to boil already. The boy was staring fearfully at Onew and begging Taemin to pull out, but Taemin only told him to shut the fuck up until they were finished. That’s when things escaladed in rapid succession. The boy started to cry and struggle. Taemin still held him down before Onew swooped in and snatched Taemin up by the arm roughly, Taemin protesting as the boy shot up and immediately rushed to put his clothes on. As the brothers argued loudly, the boy took his book bag tearfully and left the house without another word. When he was gone, Onew let Taemin go.
“What the hell is WRONG with you? How the hell could you do something like this in our mother’s house! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?”
Taemin scowled in silence, slowly putting his pajamas back on. Onew raised his voice, snatching him around so that they faced one another. “Don’t you hear me talking to you? I SAID what the hell has gotten into you, boy? Have you no respect for your mother’s house?”
The younger still didn’t say anything, still glaring. Onew promptly back-handed him in the mouth, sending Taemin spiraling down to the floor. Taemin went to hold his mouth, gyrating his jaw. He wasn’t bleeding but his mouth would be sore later.
“ANSWER ME! Why, Taemin? Why would you do something so obscene like this!? It would hurt enough that you….liked men, but your mother and I would understand! Why disrespect this house by having sex-
"Your mother and I?"
Onew balked.
“Are you this concerned about respect when you’re fucking Mom?”
The question almost knocked him off his feet. Some of the lividness was stripped from his expression. Replaced with...something else. “Excuse me?”
Taemin got to his feet steadily, his tone still low, cool and serpentine. He boldly stepped into his brother’s face with his fists balled. “When you’re fucking Mom- do you think about disrespect? How has what I’ve just done been so different from what you and her do?” He was a tad shorter than his hyung yet his temper gave him the upper hand when it came to intimidation. “HOW? Because if you ask me, what YOU TWO do is far worse!”
Onew’s face stayed passive, yet on the inside he felt the adrenaline rushing. He’d never thought he’d have altercation with his son like this. Then he realized like with so many other situations, there was first time for everything. He sighed on the inside, trying to sound calm
“How…how did you-
“Find out? Glad you asked! I heard you when I got up one night to take a fucking piss. How about that, huh? Wake up to do something so simple as taking a piss and find out some deep, dark family secret.”
“Taemin…” he started gently
“Don’t Taemin me, Onew!” he exploded. He shoved the elder, took the lamp off his desk and chucked it across the room. It hit the wall with a deafening crash. His eyes were red and wet. “Don’t fucking TAEMIN me, you bastard! How could YOU do something like this? How could you both do this to me?” Onew didn’t know what to do or say as the boy shoved him over and over again. Soon he was to the northern wall, helmed up on the shelf, letting himself get beat upon. He took after his mother when it came to guilt, so he felt he deserved it all. A tear slid down his cheek and to the carpet.
“You don’t love me! She doesn’t love me! She only loves you! You both never loved me! You just wanted to be together by yourselves!”
“Taemin that’s not true!” Onew said, but his voice came out hoarse. He rubbed at his stinging eyes. But his words went unheard. Taemin punches went weak as he gave in to his despair. “Yes it is! Don’t, don’t tell me it isn’t! I was born and you both had to deal with me and keep it a s-secret.”
He gazed at Onew with his red, tear streaked face, features twisted almost beyond recognition. “Why pretend to love me all this time? She’s my mom so I…I get her. But you…? What’s in it for you? Why do you treat me so nicely? Why do you pretend that you care? We don’t even have the same dad, we are so many years apart…just….”
Taemin’s knees were about to collapse under him, but Onew took notice and grabbed him by the shoulders before he fell. The younger’s head rolled lazily on his neck, face down to the carpet. Onew set his jaw.
“Taemin, please look at me.”
He did with swollen eyes. Before Onew spoke, he swore inwardly he’d never make it so he’d ever have to see the boy look like that ever again.
“I don’t pretend to love you, so don’t you ever say that again.” He hesitated. “You’re my only brother…but you’re also… my only son.”
It took time for it to register, but when it did, Taemin felt his body grow numb. “No…” He didn’t notice how he’d started to back away, how cold the room suddenly became. Onew held out his hand, an old man, remorse wrapping his words, urging the boy back.
“Taemin, I’m sorry. You weren’t supposed to know-
“Hyung…you, y-you…..”
He stepped closer. “Taemin, please! I know it hurts and I’m deeply sorry. Your mother-
There was the sickening crunch of breaking cartilage. Blood quickly streamed from one of Onew’s nostrils, leaking to the carpet, dripping from the cracks of the older man’s hand when it went to hold the injury.
Taemin was like a whirlwind, flying out of the room a second later. Onew wasn’t as fast as him. The teenager ran blindly out the front door, his bare feet instantly dirtying and getting cut up by the glass on the street. He kept running and running under the moonless sky, his heart hamming in his chest, his soul crushed. It was a small hunch, a tiny one that had been at the back of his mind that he was probably their abomination offspring. Yet he’d written it off time after time as ridiculous…because they were a small, happy, normal family.
Now that he knew his hunch was painstakingly true, he couldn’t shake it. He couldn’t bare it. He couldn’t stay. He couldn’t live with it…
By the time Onew called his mother at work and quickly got in his car to search for the distraught teenager, Taemin was far. He’d hitched a ride downtown, no intention of returning home again.
Taemin loved his hyung, yet it wasn’t enough.
His bloated body was found in the river, underneath the main bridge. His funeral was held a few days afterward, on a small hill in a small, private cemetery. The Lee family plot, where Jinki Sr. already lay to rest. And now, Taemin.
Onew held his mother close as she sobbed uncontrollably. He wasn’t too far away from losing it himself. Above the sky was a melodious blue, the grass beneath their knees a vibrant green. Birds chirped merrily in the tree aside them. It shouldn’t have been for such a day as this. It was supposed to be overcast, raining, gloomy, and cold. They were the last two left at grave, the funeral having been over hours ago; Onew’s grandmother had since visited her husband’s grave after the funeral and now waited patiently for the pair at the car. Their knees hurt and their bodies were tired and stiff from being embraced and in the same position. Yet it was nothing in comparison to their aching hearts.
Vision blurry, Onew gazed long at Taemin’s white marble headstone and epitaph as his mother wet his chest. There were many bouquets, cards, letters, notes, keepsakes and photographs left there by Taemin’s good friends and peers. But there was one bouquet that stood out to him. A bouquet of the biggest, reddest roses he’d ever seen. The same kind he’d given to his mother 14 years ago.
When his hand went to caress the petals half-heartedly, he pricked his finger on one of the thorns. It drew blood causing him to quickly bring it to his mouth with a soft hiss. Yet from the sting stemmed a thought so deep, so hitting, so dizzying, and so profound. His son, his little brother, was dead. He would never see him again.
And it was all his fault…
Onew broke down messily, crying the hardest he’d ever cried in his young lifetime. His hold tightened around his mother as if she’d float away and be gone forever too. His finger throbbed angrily even though the prick was mild. As the two embraced in their infinite grief, thunder rolled in the distance of the dusky sky.
Fin
Pairings: Ontae, but not in the way that you might think. There is someone else in the equation….
Genre: AU, Suspense, Angst, Romance of the worst kind
Warnings: Incest, language, sexual situations, character death
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Love is messy, especially when it involves someone you shouldn’t be in love with…by the laws of nature.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Shinee.
a/n: Something dark, something immoral. Result of one of the cracked out discussions my friend and I have late at night when we’re tired as fuck and horny She asked if I’d fool around with my bias (Jinki) if he was my son-and if he came on to me first. My response? Well, this fic certainly isn’t representative of it. That’s all I will say. Just practicing my hand at taboo themes, don’t mind me.
"Sin is not harmful because it is forbidden, but it is forbidden because it is harmful"
-Benjamin Franklin
Onew loves his mother.
On her sixteenth birthday, she gave birth to a 6 pound, 5 ounce baby boy. It was in early winter and she was staying with a dear friend of hers-since her parents weren’t exactly thrilled to become grandparents at such an age. Nor were they, the pastor and head deaconess of the church, happy with their seemingly innocent daughter hooking up with some ruffian she fell in love with that worked at an automobile shop, carelessly getting knocked up by him. The day she informed them of her pregnancy, her face was already streaked with mascara because the father of her unborn apparently wasn’t ready either and had since bailed. She told her parents he’d moved away to the other side of Seoul. They huffed and said good riddance. And then her grief turned into overwhelming anger.
So angry, she didn’t mind being kicked out. Her best friend, who was emancipated from her own parents, took her in and they relied on welfare from the state. When Lee Jinki was born on that cold, December night, his mother was alone in the hospital room. No family, no friends-not even her best friend. But all her worries and sorrows melted away when she held him for the first time, his tiny, crying red face bringing such joy and peace to her heart. She’d never be lonely again. A happy birthday after all.
Onew loves his mother.
She still loved her parents, so her son was named after his grandfather. Still, she found as the boy grew, he had a sort of gentleness about him, so she felt more comfortable nicknaming and calling him Onew. He was such a delight. Always eager to learn, always wanting to help his mother even though he still couldn’t tie his own shoelaces. He took a great interest in animals around age 4 or so; one day he found an injured bird in front of their new apartment and, to his mother’s astonishment, knew exactly what to do for the little thing. Of course, he was no expert, so she had to help him bandage and applying ointment to the wing, yet it was still amazing how tender and mature he was about it. She bought him medical toys, and soon she would see him with a stethoscope in his small ears listening to the heartbeat of his patients who were, of course, his stuffed animals. She also bought him several books with her poor paycheck. It was worth it to watch him immerse himself into them, even reading them as bedtime stories-often she’d have to ask him if he wanted her to read to him, or he’d read to her to show off his aegyo, much to the squealing fan girl inside her.
But despite his early independence, he was just like any young child attached to his mother. He liked being tucked in. He loved snuggling with his mother under a blanket and sipping hot, sweet drinks. He loved being under her foot, being her shadow, crawling under her skirts and lifting his head up at her with a snaggle-toothed grin. He was a lovable little boy.
His only problem was that he had a hard time socializing with the other children at school, but in time, the teacher told his mother, the issue would fade away: For some children it was common, it was a slow process trying to fit in, coming straight out of the comfort of home and entering a brand new world of interaction. Onew often sulked, pouted and puffed his fat cheeks when it was time to go to school. But he was obedient and wanted to please his mother as best he could, so he went without complaint after a few weeks.
Onew loves his mother.
He was sweet. So sweet. Mother’s Day was a treat, as he would buy fresh flowers or buy a card and some candy for the special day. When he was short on coins, the card was homemade, he picked his own flowers and he baked her cookies. He showered her with kisses and hugs, more than the usual; even gave her various massages and foot rubs. Since they had a joint birthday, when she would go out her way as a parent to make sure he had special presents and such, he would be off doing the same and in the evening, they exchanged gifts lovingly. One gift in particular she’d gotten for him was a puppy and there was this smile on her son’s face like she’d never seen before.
Things were getting better all the time. Onew was phenomenal in school and every week, there was some new A+ paper on the fridge already full of achievements, and drawings and poems he’d created for her. She reconciled with her parents, so Onew now had his grandparents to dote on him too. She’d gone to college part time, gotten a decent degree and now, had a decent job. She was grateful that Onew didn’t seem to mind his father wasn’t around, yet she knew he hardly cared- because he loved her. She was there, she was all he needed. She was mother and father. And that was just fine with him.
Onew loves his mother.
As a young teenager, she expected the usual metamorphosis. She thought they’d start to drift apart. Yet it was the total opposite. They were closer than ever. It was like Onew made certain of it, going against the urge of peer pressure. Unfortunately, his kindergarten teacher had been wrong. He had grown even more withdrawn when it came to other students, a prime reason because he was a bit chubby. And besides that, he was a bit on the sensitive side so he was bullied for being a “sissy” or a ”momma’s boy”-the latter because he still let his mother kiss him goodbye in front of everyone when she dropped him off at school.
But she was there for him. When they picked at him and he came home crying, she’d hold him against her bosom and stroke his head with tender words. When they beat him up, she raised hell in the principal’s office and patched up both bruises and hurt feelings with iodine and ice cream.
And whenever she’d find herself crying herself to sleep, reliving the day Onew’s father callously left her, a figure would slip into bed with her and cuddle, whispering that it was going to be okay. He was there for her too.
Onew loves his mother.
He’d grown out of the baby fat and was now tall, handsome and nicely built. An ugly duckling turned swan. As a high school student, he was still considered strange, yet it didn’t bother him anymore. Now, his problems were within his own home.
His relationship with his mother was still as strong and close as ever. Mother’s Day wasn’t the only day he spoiled her. He did everything for her willingly and dutifully as a son should- even told her he planned on attending medical school to become a veterinarian after he graduated, which brightened her face just as much as the puppy brightened his years ago.
Only, Onew wasn’t comfortable with the men his mother had started to date and allow in their home. He didn’t understand how she could feel so lonely when he was there all the time. Just as confusingly, Onew didn’t find himself attracted to the girls his age, whether they came on to him or the other way around. All he saw when he looked at them was his mother. None of them could ever care for him like her. None of them were as kind or silly or special like her. None of them could make his heart beat like she did. None of them could love him like she did. It’s often said that men tend to pursue women who remind them in some way of their own mothers. For Onew, however, there could never be such a woman.
His jealous feelings begin to put a rift between them. He confronted his mother about it so much, she finally yelled that it wasn’t his business and that he should respect her right as a grown woman, as well as his mother, that she talk to whomever she wanted to. Why couldn’t he let her be happy?
Onew was hurt and stalked off as she immediately regretted talking to him like that, with a bottom lip bit out of guilt. But that’s how it started.
Because he loved her dearly, he didn’t act on his spiteful plans to drive away those men that came to their house at night and left early in the morning. Not even that one Ji Hoon guy she dated for about a month.
Onew loves his mother. It was time to show her how much.
She’d arrived home with a flashy blue bag that contained Onew’s 18th birthday present. To her shock, as soon as she got through the threshold, there was the overwhelming scent of vanilla, sandalwood and her favorite foods smothering the air; soft jazz music from her favorite artist played in the background from the living room entertainment system. Her mouth watered when she came all the way in and set her purse, briefcase and the bag on the sofa. It was unusually dark as well- Onew came home before her and liked to have the blinds opened to let in the sun.
“Onew?” She called. She’d seen his car in the driveway so he most certainly was here. “Jinki-ah, where arrrre you?”
There was still no answer, but she smiled as she made her way to the kitchen. What she saw made her gasp and put one shivering hand over her left breast. Candles littered every flat surface area. Her favorite supper was decadently served on plates and bowls of her finest china, on the small glass dining room table. Near them were saucers and wine glasses which suspiciously looked like they were filled with her favorite champagne. In the middle was a pretty gold candelabrum whose flames emitted a soft glow. In one chair sat a large bouquet of the biggest, reddest roses she’d ever seen, some of the petals littering the carpet around the table. Pearlescent balloons were tied to the back. There was also a small white box and an envelope with her first name elegantly scrawled on it.
“Omo….” She put her hand to her mouth while the other went to caress the soft roses of the bouquet.
“Happy birthday omma.”
When she whirled around, there stood her son smiling at her with his hands behind his back. He wore a loose white shirt tucked into fitting black slacks, hair swept back and face cleanly shaven. It was the most dashing she’d ever seen him and before she knew it, she was running into his arms with tears in her eyes, bouquet in one hand. “Oh my goodness baby, you did all this for me? Thank you thank you thank you!” She said all these things between kisses to his cheeks, forehead, nose, eyes, everywhere she could kiss. “I love you so much!” Exclaimed with the zest only a giddy school girl possessed. There was one still inside her, and she probably wasn’t going anywhere.
Onew only chuckled as he embraced her back just as tightly. Then gave her a big kiss as they separated, his hands still holding her waist; geez, she could never get used to him being a head taller than her. “I made dinner all by myself. It took a long time but in the end, it was worth it,” he grinned. The next second, his face grew more sincere. “And you deserve it. You deserve this and more for being the best mother anyone could have.”
“Aww, sweetheart.”
It was a magical evening. Often he treated her like a princess, but tonight, she was a queen. He escorted her back to the table where they shared dinner and she opened her present: a diamond necklace. She thought nothing of him wanting to hand feed her, him not ecstatic to open his present yet, him using a sultry deep voice she’d never heard when he spoke to her, his odd stares, his unusual quietness as they ate…even the way he licked his lips nervously when he cleared his throat to get her attention.
“Omma…I have something to tell you.”
“Oh?” She grinned, expecting nothing but good news. He was always sharing good news with her. She put her fork down in anticipation.
“I…I love you.”
She giggled and reached across the table to pinch his cheek. “That’s the news? But I already know that.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed thickly. His face was troubled. “I don’t mean it like that. I mean… that I really love you.”
“I really love you too,” she replied, an edge in her smile.
“Like….as more than a mother.”
She waited for him to laugh. At least crack a smile. But he never did. In fact, he was looking at her earnestly, waiting for some reaction. After a while, it became too much and he reverted to looking away with a deep blush.
Finally, her smile was gone altogether. Something unfamiliar settled in the pit of her stomach, and it wasn’t something to do with the food.
“Onew…is this serious?”
He looked like the shy little boy he used to be when his lips tucked in and he nodded at her once.
“But…”
“I did all this to set the mood. I didn’t know how else to tell you.” Onew’s voice suddenly grew stronger. “I love you with all my heart, omma. And I want to prove it to you.”
She didn’t know what to say. What could she say?
He got up and approached her side. Normally when he touched her, she felt warm and loved. Now, it felt foreign and unsettling. “You’re such a beautiful person, omma, inside and out. I…I’ve loved you like this for a long time. Its why I couldn’t stand to see you with those other men. They could never and will never do more for you than I can.”
She closed her eyes, fighting back tears. How could this have happened? What kind of mother was she? No, no. She was a good mother. She was everything a mother should be. She couldn’t have gone wrong…
“You’re my everything, omma. There could never be another one like you…”
His hand slide down her back and that’s when she came to her senses, jumping up. It scared him so he jumped back a few feet away. She stared at him through blurry eyes, wondering how she could say what she wanted to say. She started with exhaling and motioning him over. Her hands went out to grasp his tenderly yet firmly as she willed his eyes to stay on hers.
“I…deeply appreciate all that you’ve said, sweetie. You mean more to me than anything in the whole world and yes, I also think there could never be a more perfect son like you…but Jinki-ah, this isn’t right. I know you’re really close to me and may feel like you’ll never find a woman who you’ll love as much but…you have your whole life ahead of you. You’ll find her, and if she’s a good woman, I will thoroughly support the both of you.” She squeezed his hands lovingly. “I’m…glad you confessed this to me, that was pretty brave. I’m also thankful for the beautiful birthday evening you arranged.” A strained swallow.” A-and had you been someone else, I’d be very flattered with…your feelings toward me but…I’m your mother…and …you’re my son.”
He was listening thoughtfully until that last part. Suddenly, he pulled away from her soft hands, brows furrowing. “So what about that? So what about you being my mother. I love you and no one else. If anything, it is best this way.”
Her mouth fell open. What had happened to her precious Onew?
“You’ve always told me that love comes in many forms.” He paced in front of her. “You’re the one whole said that I should listen to my heart and go with what I feel. Well, I’m doing that and its not working.”
“There is a limit, Jinki-ah!” she cried abruptly. “I love you but I do not love you in a romantic sense! What would that make me look like?” Her tears flowed freely now. This was not happening. She was not explaining this to him. Something that should have been common sense. Something that should have been instinctually learned.
“I don’t know, what WOULD it?” he screamed back, hurt. He had marched up to her face now, beet red all the way down to his neck. “Do you want to say it would make you look sick? Disgraceful? Like a bad person? WHY?” Onew’s fists balled. She’d never seen him this angry, never this passionate. “What’s wrong with loving you? You’re perfect. Why can’t you admit you love me too?”
“JINKI YOU’RE MY SON. I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN LOVE WITH YOU!” With every word, she desperately shook his broad shoulders back and forth, trying to slow her rapidly beating heart. “I DON’T KNOW HOW ELSE TO SAY IT!”
It was silent for a few seconds before he closed his eyes and peeled her hands off of him. For some reason, the gesture made her chest ache and sting.
His tone was cold. “You’re in denial.”
“No, Onew…” She sounded tiny, tired. Frightened. Helpless.
“You are.” He cupped her face desperately. “But I’ll do whatever I need to do to make you realize this is real.” And before she could make a move, his plump lips were on hers, seeking entrance into her mouth. His young male body pushed into hers with all its might, trying to make her feel his desire. The other large hand roamed to clutch her backside, rub up her back, her ribs, the nape of her neck, her silky hair. But it was all over in a matter of three seconds when she struggled away and slapped him immediately. She didn’t even stay to watch his expression; her heels thumped down the hallway, almost to impale through the carpet, as she sobbed her way to her bedroom. She’d never had to strike him. And when she finally did, it was for a reason she’d never, in a million years, think to. Her door slammed and she slumped to her bed with her head in her hands. A headache was forming, but she was too drained to get up to her bathroom and take an aspirin. She felt sick to her stomach. She was entirely bewildered. At a time like this, she wished she believed in God again so she could pray about it. She wanted to call her mother for guidance.
But all she could do was sit there. Guilt riddling her body like a virus.
It only took about an hour for him to knock curtly and let himself in. She was curled up in fetal position on her made bed, still in her work clothes, about to drift into a fitful nap. When her groggy eyes noticed his disturbed expression and the red hand welt on his cheek, she felt like crying some more.
“Omma…” he touched her shoulder. It hurt them both when she flinched. “I brought you this…”
Her heart broke even more when she shifted and saw the mug of tea and tiny white pills. What would she do without him? He was so special…
“Thank you baby,” she whispered, reaching out to hold his wrist. He set the tea and pills down on her nightstand.
Yet in the next instant, he was climbing into bed with her. Not like how he did as a child to comfort her. He hovered over her so that their bellies touched. He cupped her cheek again, this time his other hand flat on the side of her head. Her widened eyes searched his. When she tried to move him, he stayed put like stone.
“Lee Jinki! Get off of me this instant!”
“No, omma,” he said calmly. “I...need you to understand that I’m not just your son. I’m a man now. A man who has needs and wants. A man who loves you and wants to take care of you. In fact, it would be better for you not to see me as your son anymore, but your lover,”
“Please, Jinki! We can’t-please get off me…”
He didn’t reply. Instead he went in to taste her lips again. She tried to slide her hand up to slap him, to get him to stop, but this time, he caught it and planted his lips to her palm with patient gentleness. His hips moved to align to hers, locking there smoothly and rocking against her. “Jinki, stop!” she whimpered, struggling under him. Yet to no avail. He moaned and went in to suck at her neck.
After a while though, her struggles ceased. Who’s to say why? Maybe because she was a mother to the end, wanting only happiness for her child. Maybe it was because she was tired, had no more fight left. Maybe it was because she wasn’t used to being loved, only fucked for someone else’s satisfaction. Maybe it was because he was stubborn, relentless…and very much a man, like he’d said. Maybe the way he suckled at her breasts gave her nostalgia, when he did it as an infant, and it gave her some sort of bizarre pleasure.
Or, perhaps, deep down, there was something for him too. Perhaps he was born with the traits of a man she’s always wanted to fall in love with. His compassionate nature, his intelligence, his handsomeness, his humor, all the things Onew’s father had perpetrated as and advertised himself to be. But she sincerely hoped that wasn’t the reason why she gave up.
Somewhere down the line, she’d forgotten that Onew was her son, like he’d suggested, and fell into his rhythm of hungry lust. She moaned and arched under him, scratching his back, grabbing his butt, urging him for more. Her mind screamed deafeningly for her to stop, yet it was too late and she was numb to the warnings. Somewhere down the line, he stopped groaning “omma” and addressed her by her first name in his intoxicated voice. He murmured little things in her ear that reminded her of milk and honey, promises that he’ll always be there, that he loves her, loves her, loves her. He even whispered that he had been saving himself for her, and her heart became shattered pieces subjected to a blowing wind, knowing she’d taken her son’s virginity. She felt horrid and sinful, yet oh so complete with the warmth of his body. It was thrilling yet disgusting to have him stroking her in the place he’d emerged from 18 years prior. She could almost cry with how tenderly he outlined every stretch mark on her stomach with his finger, kissed them, and while his lips were there, mumbled how beautiful they were because she’d gotten them for carrying him. It was endearing but, damn, as wrong as wrong could be.
He announced through his teeth that he loved her when he finally released, clutching her hips firmly with himself buried deeply inside her.
Only when it was over and he was pressed behind her, holding her, both of them still naked and moist, did she regret wholeheartedly that she’d given up. Under the covers, she trembled. Silent sobs wracked her body, harder than before. With a trembling sigh she turned and kissed his forehead as her hand stroked his damp, velvety hair. Upon his sleeping face was a content expression, one she wished she could have given to him through other means. It was probably as heart-achingly beautiful as the puppy-smile, though much more haunting.
Onew loves his mother.
She was in a hospital room again, the same maternity ward from nearly 19 years ago. Only this time, she wasn’t alone. Onew graciously let her punish him, he let her abuse his hand as she pushed and thrashed and screamed. She was in this position because she didn’t believe in murder-and she didn’t have to be Christian to feel this way.
And how could she kill her own blood? Her child….her grandchild?
The severe fucked-up ness of that thought corrupted her already spasming mind.
Lee Taemin was born soon after. He was 8 pounds and 8 ounces. An autumn baby. She held him first and before she passed him off to Onew, she could already tell he’d look more like his father. Taemin was, by miracle, 100% healthy despite his unnatural conception, which she and Onew didn’t dare tell the doctors and nurses about. But the staff did find it strange that when it came time for the birth certificate signing, Onew volunteered without hesitation. Even in her poor state, she felt fortunate that he’d been able to do it before her parents arrived; they were stuck in rush hour traffic.
One doctor slapped Onew’s back with a light, yet suspicious chuckle. “Yaaaah, you’re still a kid yourself, young man. Why are you dooming yourself so early?” he joked.
The woman’s eldest son chuckled back but his brown eyes burned intensely as he stared at his mother and their sleeping newborn. “My sister doesn’t have any one to help her. I’m going to make him my responsibility, no matter what. That’s what family does. We take care of one another.”
Taemin loved his hyung.
He really didn’t remember a lot about Onew playing with him or taking care of him as an infant, of course. Yet as soon as Onew returned from med school when Taemin was 8, they were inseparable. Onew was home to stay, which puzzled his grandparents and peers because he was pushing 30 and was expected to acquire his own bachelor’s pad (until he married, that is.)
But who could complain? Onew had his dream career within a month as a veterinarian. His income, in addition with his mother’s, was enough to take care of Taemin and more. Taemin was the most satisfied with their small, happy family. He had a loving mom and cool big brother. His mother realized the pattern-that Taemin didn’t seem to mind that he “didn’t" have a father around, and that accented with the fact that he had Onew. Onew was his father figure. Onew played catch with him, helped him with his homework, tucked him in at night, motivated him, encouraged his dream to dance, helped him in the morning for school, kissed him, hugged him, told him he loved him all the time…it was all Onew. Even when Onew had to discipline him, Taemin didn’t mind and still loved him at the end of the day. Onew was the best big brother anyone could have.
Taemin loved his hyung
He was 13 now. Unlike his brother, he was as rebellious as they came. Already he was delving into things he shouldn’t, like drugs and gambling. The world, his era, was slightly different from when Onew was coming up. And Taemin, although like his hyung in many ways, was also shockingly different. For one, he wasn’t as dedicated to his studies. He didn’t like chores and authority, so that put him, Onew, and his mother at odds a lot. He was respectful, yet had a terrible temper like his mother’s father. Suspensions from school, fighting, sneaking out at night….no one knew what it all attributed to.
Taemin had an idea. Over the years, he began to notice that his mother seemed to favor Onew more than he. She treated Taemin like the child he was, yes, but... Onew, she joked with and laughed and shared secrets all the time; sometimes they went out to do whatever adults like to do to unwind. Of course Onew was an adult. Taemin understood that. But there was something about it he didn’t like, that didn’t sit well with him, yet that he also couldn’t pinpoint. Through most of his unacceptable behavior, Taemin was simply seeking attention.
He couldn’t harbor ill will for long though. Onew was still a great brother. Wholly supportive. And his mother was still sweet and tolerant, surprisingly active even though she was nearing fifty. He started to think after a while that maybe he was being paranoid. They did have 18 years together before he showed on the scene, so they’d apparently be closer. Plus they loved him and would never do anything to hurt him. What was he stressing about?
That was the mature side of him peeking out. However, all those thoughts washed away when he awoke in the middle of one night to pee and heard strange sounds coming from his mother’s room. He’d watched plenty of pornos over his friend’s house to know not to be stupid. Though kinda disgusted, Taemin smirked like a naughty whelp and was about to go back to bed until he heard a second sound. The man she was with. He sounded familiar…
Dread flooded his chest as he bolted to Onew’s room. The door was open and he wasn’t in there. Then Taemin rushed to the front door. Peering out of the window, he saw that Onew’s car was still in the driveway. But just to triple check before he lost his mind, Taemin padded around the house in search of his older brother. Nowhere to be found.
Silently Taemin crept back to his mother’s door. Obviously, the sex was over. He heard his mother’s feathery laughter as she spoke. Then Onew’s deep, distinctive voice rang clear, asking her if it was good and if she wanted to do it again.
Taemin couldn’t tell if he was joking, yet he didn’t stay there to think about it. Teeth grinding, he went back to his bed, careful to not let the door slam. Angry, unshed tears were in his eyes as he brooded, laying atop the covers. He quivered from uncharted fury. He knew something was up. He knew he was right. But never in his wildest dreams did he think…
He punched into his mattress. Upon hearing a door open, close, then another one opening and closing again, he cursed violently under his breath.
Taemin loved his hyung. But it was time for some answers.
There was a kid at Taemin’s school who was clearly gay. He was also clearly shunned and without a friend in the whole establishment. Taemin didn’t too much care for him either, yet he would need him for his plan. Though heterosexual himself, he’d suck it up and let down his pride.
Surely he didn’t need to go to such drastic measures to have Onew confront him. But Taemin was too blinded by anger and hurt to care.
He approached the boy one day on pins and needles. He was polite and complimentary even though the boy was reclusive and suspicious for obvious reasons. Taemin, though, was a charmer, so eventually he and boy became secret friends out of school. It took a week for Taemin to gather the guts to tell the boy he was interested in him. Another week for the boy to confess. And during that time, Taemin was slowly weaning himself of Onew’s and his mother’s affections.
Finally, the weekend came when Taemin invited his new friend to his home. Everything was peachy until night fell. That’s when Taemin made his move. The seduction process was easy. He had the boy right where he wanted him. They kissed, like they had practiced times before, then moved on to undressing and foreplay. To Taemin, it was just business, he felt nothing, not even repulsiveness. He still didn’t feel anything when he guided his penis into the boy’s hole. It was like a pussy, only tighter, not that much of a difference. He didn’t even like the boy so he couldn’t enjoy it even if he wanted to.
Yet the boy did. He panted heavily as Taemin moved inside him. Taemin didn’t tell him to keep the noise down. It was a part of the plan. And soon, the plan was successful.
It was easy for Onew to burst into his room, as Taemin had purposely left his door unlocked.
“What the hell are you doing?!” His wild eyes danced between naked body and naked body in total rage and disbelief.
“What does it look like?” Taemin replied coolly, not even bothering to stop. He begin to pound harder as his blood begin to boil already. The boy was staring fearfully at Onew and begging Taemin to pull out, but Taemin only told him to shut the fuck up until they were finished. That’s when things escaladed in rapid succession. The boy started to cry and struggle. Taemin still held him down before Onew swooped in and snatched Taemin up by the arm roughly, Taemin protesting as the boy shot up and immediately rushed to put his clothes on. As the brothers argued loudly, the boy took his book bag tearfully and left the house without another word. When he was gone, Onew let Taemin go.
“What the hell is WRONG with you? How the hell could you do something like this in our mother’s house! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?”
Taemin scowled in silence, slowly putting his pajamas back on. Onew raised his voice, snatching him around so that they faced one another. “Don’t you hear me talking to you? I SAID what the hell has gotten into you, boy? Have you no respect for your mother’s house?”
The younger still didn’t say anything, still glaring. Onew promptly back-handed him in the mouth, sending Taemin spiraling down to the floor. Taemin went to hold his mouth, gyrating his jaw. He wasn’t bleeding but his mouth would be sore later.
“ANSWER ME! Why, Taemin? Why would you do something so obscene like this!? It would hurt enough that you….liked men, but your mother and I would understand! Why disrespect this house by having sex-
"Your mother and I?"
Onew balked.
“Are you this concerned about respect when you’re fucking Mom?”
The question almost knocked him off his feet. Some of the lividness was stripped from his expression. Replaced with...something else. “Excuse me?”
Taemin got to his feet steadily, his tone still low, cool and serpentine. He boldly stepped into his brother’s face with his fists balled. “When you’re fucking Mom- do you think about disrespect? How has what I’ve just done been so different from what you and her do?” He was a tad shorter than his hyung yet his temper gave him the upper hand when it came to intimidation. “HOW? Because if you ask me, what YOU TWO do is far worse!”
Onew’s face stayed passive, yet on the inside he felt the adrenaline rushing. He’d never thought he’d have altercation with his son like this. Then he realized like with so many other situations, there was first time for everything. He sighed on the inside, trying to sound calm
“How…how did you-
“Find out? Glad you asked! I heard you when I got up one night to take a fucking piss. How about that, huh? Wake up to do something so simple as taking a piss and find out some deep, dark family secret.”
“Taemin…” he started gently
“Don’t Taemin me, Onew!” he exploded. He shoved the elder, took the lamp off his desk and chucked it across the room. It hit the wall with a deafening crash. His eyes were red and wet. “Don’t fucking TAEMIN me, you bastard! How could YOU do something like this? How could you both do this to me?” Onew didn’t know what to do or say as the boy shoved him over and over again. Soon he was to the northern wall, helmed up on the shelf, letting himself get beat upon. He took after his mother when it came to guilt, so he felt he deserved it all. A tear slid down his cheek and to the carpet.
“You don’t love me! She doesn’t love me! She only loves you! You both never loved me! You just wanted to be together by yourselves!”
“Taemin that’s not true!” Onew said, but his voice came out hoarse. He rubbed at his stinging eyes. But his words went unheard. Taemin punches went weak as he gave in to his despair. “Yes it is! Don’t, don’t tell me it isn’t! I was born and you both had to deal with me and keep it a s-secret.”
He gazed at Onew with his red, tear streaked face, features twisted almost beyond recognition. “Why pretend to love me all this time? She’s my mom so I…I get her. But you…? What’s in it for you? Why do you treat me so nicely? Why do you pretend that you care? We don’t even have the same dad, we are so many years apart…just….”
Taemin’s knees were about to collapse under him, but Onew took notice and grabbed him by the shoulders before he fell. The younger’s head rolled lazily on his neck, face down to the carpet. Onew set his jaw.
“Taemin, please look at me.”
He did with swollen eyes. Before Onew spoke, he swore inwardly he’d never make it so he’d ever have to see the boy look like that ever again.
“I don’t pretend to love you, so don’t you ever say that again.” He hesitated. “You’re my only brother…but you’re also… my only son.”
It took time for it to register, but when it did, Taemin felt his body grow numb. “No…” He didn’t notice how he’d started to back away, how cold the room suddenly became. Onew held out his hand, an old man, remorse wrapping his words, urging the boy back.
“Taemin, I’m sorry. You weren’t supposed to know-
“Hyung…you, y-you…..”
He stepped closer. “Taemin, please! I know it hurts and I’m deeply sorry. Your mother-
There was the sickening crunch of breaking cartilage. Blood quickly streamed from one of Onew’s nostrils, leaking to the carpet, dripping from the cracks of the older man’s hand when it went to hold the injury.
Taemin was like a whirlwind, flying out of the room a second later. Onew wasn’t as fast as him. The teenager ran blindly out the front door, his bare feet instantly dirtying and getting cut up by the glass on the street. He kept running and running under the moonless sky, his heart hamming in his chest, his soul crushed. It was a small hunch, a tiny one that had been at the back of his mind that he was probably their abomination offspring. Yet he’d written it off time after time as ridiculous…because they were a small, happy, normal family.
Now that he knew his hunch was painstakingly true, he couldn’t shake it. He couldn’t bare it. He couldn’t stay. He couldn’t live with it…
By the time Onew called his mother at work and quickly got in his car to search for the distraught teenager, Taemin was far. He’d hitched a ride downtown, no intention of returning home again.
Taemin loved his hyung, yet it wasn’t enough.
His bloated body was found in the river, underneath the main bridge. His funeral was held a few days afterward, on a small hill in a small, private cemetery. The Lee family plot, where Jinki Sr. already lay to rest. And now, Taemin.
Onew held his mother close as she sobbed uncontrollably. He wasn’t too far away from losing it himself. Above the sky was a melodious blue, the grass beneath their knees a vibrant green. Birds chirped merrily in the tree aside them. It shouldn’t have been for such a day as this. It was supposed to be overcast, raining, gloomy, and cold. They were the last two left at grave, the funeral having been over hours ago; Onew’s grandmother had since visited her husband’s grave after the funeral and now waited patiently for the pair at the car. Their knees hurt and their bodies were tired and stiff from being embraced and in the same position. Yet it was nothing in comparison to their aching hearts.
Vision blurry, Onew gazed long at Taemin’s white marble headstone and epitaph as his mother wet his chest. There were many bouquets, cards, letters, notes, keepsakes and photographs left there by Taemin’s good friends and peers. But there was one bouquet that stood out to him. A bouquet of the biggest, reddest roses he’d ever seen. The same kind he’d given to his mother 14 years ago.
When his hand went to caress the petals half-heartedly, he pricked his finger on one of the thorns. It drew blood causing him to quickly bring it to his mouth with a soft hiss. Yet from the sting stemmed a thought so deep, so hitting, so dizzying, and so profound. His son, his little brother, was dead. He would never see him again.
And it was all his fault…
Onew broke down messily, crying the hardest he’d ever cried in his young lifetime. His hold tightened around his mother as if she’d float away and be gone forever too. His finger throbbed angrily even though the prick was mild. As the two embraced in their infinite grief, thunder rolled in the distance of the dusky sky.
Fin