Without me.
Characters : Onew + Alexandra ( fictional )
Rating : PG
Summary : I kept trying to let go , and simply just leave.
I was tired , tired of fighting , tired of misunderstanding, tired of being understanding, tired of trying , tired of hiding. There were so many things my body lacked the energy or will to do.
My eyes met his , it wasn't because i didn't love him anymore. It was because I just wanted to breathe and not be overwhelmed everyday but things that drained the life out of me.
Lights, Questions, Cameras, Crowds. It just didn't make sense to me anymore.
We both standing across the room from each other, two of us in the small waiting room.
I opened my mouth to speak but he signaled me to stop.
I spoke anyway.
My voice audible enough for only him to hear. It was all the strength i had left in my voice anyway.
" I love you Jinki , I do , but this is not what i bargained for. This " I tried desperately to find the right words . " This is more than I can handle or what we fight against, you know i would go to the ends of the world for you if I could , but right now, maybe in the future but not now, right now I think I might have to walk away "
I was being selfish , not willing to allow both of us swallow this pain anymore . We both were suffering but he never backed out and held my hand tightly through everything. Yet here I was telling him , don't waste you time.
He nodded as if understanding me. Leaving me, slightly surprised he didn't argue of fight to have a say in what was happening.
A small smile forced itself against his lips.
" If this is what you want , I'm sorry for implicating you into all this " He turned his back and walked away from me. Maybe he realized it too, that we weren't meant for each other. People say as long as the love is there everything would breeze over , but truthfully , Love alone is just not enough to sustain a relationship.
You just fucked yourself 10 times over Alex. 10 fucking times over.
I picked up my back from the chair beside me and stumbled out of the room. I didn't know where i was going just letting my feet do the walking.
Even when he was stressed out from schedule or sick even sad , the smile on his face never left, breath taking as always. He told me it was because if everyone around him was feeling stressed or sad that wasn't that enough already , his smile could make that small difference and make people feel better. Others before himself. It never changed.
" and you " i spoke out loud to the empty space around me " just as selfish as ever , with the excuse that it would be easier for him "
Yes I thought to myself, because really , this was about him, without me , there would be one less person to fret about, he could keep his head focused on work.
Without me
yes , without me.
________________________________________________________________________________
I expected the news to be spilled over with our breakup cringing when I picked the paper up from outside my door in the morning.
Nothing.
Shutting the door behind me i decided to take the stairs, incase the reporters were waiting by the lift like every morning.
Fat hope. They were everywhere, asking random questions, being trigger friendly , asking if I was intending to find my boyfriend today. I kept quiet and continued walking. Jinki was the famous one he should have at least the right to decide when he wanted the news to be released.
Days went by and people started to notice a change in my days, I hadn't seen Jinki in a week.
Before I knew it i was knocked of balance with questions on our break up.
" Are you cheating on him? Is this because you already gained a certain level of recognition as Jinki's girlfriend "
Silence .
" Alexandra, was Jinki a bad boyfriend , is he dating his fellow label mate Jessica? "
Silence .
" Alex, please answer our questions "
Blackout.
_________________________________________________________________________________
There was some murmuring around me. The piercing lights stopping me from opening my eyes so i just kept them closed. My hand moved slowly amongst the sheets, this was not home. The air smelled of disinfectant, strongly medicinal. My insides churned and I wanted to throw up but held it in.
Hospital , I was in a goddamn hospital. I forced my eyes open and sat up.
" Alex , you should rest. " Sam hurried over by my side and ruffled my hair a little.
" Who the hell brought me here ? "
" You fainted outside your apartment "
I cursed inwardly.
Looking around the room I realized Jinki was there too. I pushed my blanket aside and ripped the needle drip out of my hand. It hurt like fuck but I couldn't care.
" Wait , what are you doing?! " Sam held me back.
" I need to go "
" WHAT?! NO WAY GIRL "
" Just..….. just leave me alone "
" You stay the fuck right here "
I shut up , since when did Sam swear had the world fallen slightly off axis when i was gone.
" Malnutrition Alex really ? Did you eat or were you planning to starve yourself "
Okay this was scary , was this the Sam i knew? She was Hongki's girlfriend and he was weird… blood type AB, maybe it was rubbing off her was blood type changeable?
Jinki watched us with a pained expression that i kept glancing at.
" I'm going to get the nurse to put your drip back on, pull it out again and I'll get Hongki to drive you crazy okay so shut up "
Me and him alone.
He walked over and sat down beside me .
" So was this another crazy diet plan? "
I shook my head.
" Hmm " he pouted a little.
" You shouldn't be here don't you have schedules to attend ? "
" My girl..…..My friend is sick and she fainted I think i deserve to be here , I was free anyway " I noticed how his eyes changed color when he rephrased my status.
" Thanks , but I'm feeling better you should go before the reporters decide to attack my room "
" I want to stay "
"Jinki"
" Let me "
I secretly wanted it anyway , who was I to be a two face bitch and keep insisting for him to leave. He took my silence as a sign of agreement and made himself more comfortable on the bed.
Where was Sam and that nurse she claimed she went out to get.
" I wished it was " My head snapped up to look at him.
" Huh? "
He took my hand by the wrist and held them gently in his hands.
" I wish you were on one of your crazy diets "
" Why? "
" Cause then I'd know I wasn't the one who did this to you "
He gently lifted my hand and kissed my wrists.
Tears fought against my lids threatening to break the barriers and fall suicidally downwards.
" please hate me , please walk away from me please " I begged in whispers.
His hand brushed past my ears and his fingers tangled themselves in my hair.
" I missed you "
Just like that , i fell downwards into my own lies I created for myself and him.
My head lowered, hiding the tears that were practically washing my face,
He gently pulled me towards him and i rested my head against his chest.
" I think I know you too well, to be able to see right pass all those painful words and realized what you were doing. To know you were probably hurting more than me "
Did i really want to go back now, after a week of failed pretense.
"Didn't you ever think for a second you saw wrongly , or were you so confident " i muttered.
" I think maybe , i was overly confident , but for the right reasons wouldn't you think so ? "
He ran his fingers through my hair combing them down wards, down my back before wrapping them around my shoulders.
" I know you must be going through a lot, I never thought it was easy to begin with but……………but if you think maybe you couldn't do it i don't mind "
"Do you really have to always be so fair, always put me first even if it was going to hurt you anyway"
"I could say the same for you "
" You're the celebrity , its going to be 10 times harder on you then me "
" But then when I see you………. "
" No " I pulled myself away " You know its not so simple , we've been through this , fought about this, cried about this. "
I felt him loosen his grip on my hand.
His hand brushed pass my cheek as he leaned in a kissed me gently where his hand was. The kiss faint but the feeling lingering like a ghost.
" I love you " he whispered , so soft i almost missed it. Pulling away his eye were hidden under his fringe but a smile evident on his face. Then he walked out the door just as Sam came in with the nurse.
" Where are you going ? " she asked him. He muttered something to her but I couldn't hear anything. The nurse had walked towards me attempting to but the needle back in , but i refused , leaning closer to try and pick up anything. Nothing.
" Miss I need to attach the drip…"
" Give me a second " I got up from the bed and walked towards the door but he was gone. Sam was walking towards me with a mixed expression on her face.
" Why did you ? "
" Sam? "
" He was fighting all the way to the end, and you weren't going to ask him to stay? "
" You know this is not ……. "
" You were the one who told me to stay with Hongki , to believe him and be with him , and what are you doing to Jinki ?! "
" Sam , have you seen Jinki recently ? He's tired , sick , frail and yet he has to put in more energy to hide it . Without me he has enough to deal with , the group , the work, schedules "
" Have you really seen him everytime he sees you , that sickeningly sweet smile on his face, the way his eye spark with energy and life when you're near him , they way he could work all night endlessly just to see you on time the next morning like you both promised , or the way he beats himself up after each fight screaming to the empty space around him how he was not good enough for you , Have you? "
My brain digger for an answer but nothing seemed appropriate
" Have you seen the way he ran here when he heard you collapsed, or the way he cried last week when you told him you wanted it over "
I must have screwed up big time and finally realized it because i pushed pass her and ran out the door, I swear i saw a smile on her face.
The corridor was empty.
Jinki I muttered to myself and ran towards the lift.
" Jinki ! "
The guy stopped in his tracks, his hand brushing pass his face before he turned to me.
" Hey "
" hey " i muttered back softly.
" You should go in and rest , its kinda chilly at the corridors " he laughed a little and it hurt , cause i knew he was trying to hide his pain.
I walked towards him. What was i suppose to say now?
keeping quiet i wrapped my hands around him underneath his jacket , it was so warm. My tears fell uncontrollably, my body shaking with sobs.
He held me against him, whispering all his love into my hair.
" I'm sorry " i muttered in-between breaths.
" Don't be "
and i cried harder , cause really what was i thinking to leave him.
" and never think you're not good enough for me , you're perfect so give yourself more credit " i finished.
Rating : PG
Summary : I kept trying to let go , and simply just leave.
I was tired , tired of fighting , tired of misunderstanding, tired of being understanding, tired of trying , tired of hiding. There were so many things my body lacked the energy or will to do.
My eyes met his , it wasn't because i didn't love him anymore. It was because I just wanted to breathe and not be overwhelmed everyday but things that drained the life out of me.
Lights, Questions, Cameras, Crowds. It just didn't make sense to me anymore.
We both standing across the room from each other, two of us in the small waiting room.
I opened my mouth to speak but he signaled me to stop.
I spoke anyway.
My voice audible enough for only him to hear. It was all the strength i had left in my voice anyway.
" I love you Jinki , I do , but this is not what i bargained for. This " I tried desperately to find the right words . " This is more than I can handle or what we fight against, you know i would go to the ends of the world for you if I could , but right now, maybe in the future but not now, right now I think I might have to walk away "
I was being selfish , not willing to allow both of us swallow this pain anymore . We both were suffering but he never backed out and held my hand tightly through everything. Yet here I was telling him , don't waste you time.
He nodded as if understanding me. Leaving me, slightly surprised he didn't argue of fight to have a say in what was happening.
A small smile forced itself against his lips.
" If this is what you want , I'm sorry for implicating you into all this " He turned his back and walked away from me. Maybe he realized it too, that we weren't meant for each other. People say as long as the love is there everything would breeze over , but truthfully , Love alone is just not enough to sustain a relationship.
You just fucked yourself 10 times over Alex. 10 fucking times over.
I picked up my back from the chair beside me and stumbled out of the room. I didn't know where i was going just letting my feet do the walking.
Even when he was stressed out from schedule or sick even sad , the smile on his face never left, breath taking as always. He told me it was because if everyone around him was feeling stressed or sad that wasn't that enough already , his smile could make that small difference and make people feel better. Others before himself. It never changed.
" and you " i spoke out loud to the empty space around me " just as selfish as ever , with the excuse that it would be easier for him "
Yes I thought to myself, because really , this was about him, without me , there would be one less person to fret about, he could keep his head focused on work.
Without me
yes , without me.
________________________________________________________________________________
I expected the news to be spilled over with our breakup cringing when I picked the paper up from outside my door in the morning.
Nothing.
Shutting the door behind me i decided to take the stairs, incase the reporters were waiting by the lift like every morning.
Fat hope. They were everywhere, asking random questions, being trigger friendly , asking if I was intending to find my boyfriend today. I kept quiet and continued walking. Jinki was the famous one he should have at least the right to decide when he wanted the news to be released.
Days went by and people started to notice a change in my days, I hadn't seen Jinki in a week.
Before I knew it i was knocked of balance with questions on our break up.
" Are you cheating on him? Is this because you already gained a certain level of recognition as Jinki's girlfriend "
Silence .
" Alexandra, was Jinki a bad boyfriend , is he dating his fellow label mate Jessica? "
Silence .
" Alex, please answer our questions "
Blackout.
_________________________________________________________________________________
There was some murmuring around me. The piercing lights stopping me from opening my eyes so i just kept them closed. My hand moved slowly amongst the sheets, this was not home. The air smelled of disinfectant, strongly medicinal. My insides churned and I wanted to throw up but held it in.
Hospital , I was in a goddamn hospital. I forced my eyes open and sat up.
" Alex , you should rest. " Sam hurried over by my side and ruffled my hair a little.
" Who the hell brought me here ? "
" You fainted outside your apartment "
I cursed inwardly.
Looking around the room I realized Jinki was there too. I pushed my blanket aside and ripped the needle drip out of my hand. It hurt like fuck but I couldn't care.
" Wait , what are you doing?! " Sam held me back.
" I need to go "
" WHAT?! NO WAY GIRL "
" Just..….. just leave me alone "
" You stay the fuck right here "
I shut up , since when did Sam swear had the world fallen slightly off axis when i was gone.
" Malnutrition Alex really ? Did you eat or were you planning to starve yourself "
Okay this was scary , was this the Sam i knew? She was Hongki's girlfriend and he was weird… blood type AB, maybe it was rubbing off her was blood type changeable?
Jinki watched us with a pained expression that i kept glancing at.
" I'm going to get the nurse to put your drip back on, pull it out again and I'll get Hongki to drive you crazy okay so shut up "
Me and him alone.
He walked over and sat down beside me .
" So was this another crazy diet plan? "
I shook my head.
" Hmm " he pouted a little.
" You shouldn't be here don't you have schedules to attend ? "
" My girl..…..My friend is sick and she fainted I think i deserve to be here , I was free anyway " I noticed how his eyes changed color when he rephrased my status.
" Thanks , but I'm feeling better you should go before the reporters decide to attack my room "
" I want to stay "
"Jinki"
" Let me "
I secretly wanted it anyway , who was I to be a two face bitch and keep insisting for him to leave. He took my silence as a sign of agreement and made himself more comfortable on the bed.
Where was Sam and that nurse she claimed she went out to get.
" I wished it was " My head snapped up to look at him.
" Huh? "
He took my hand by the wrist and held them gently in his hands.
" I wish you were on one of your crazy diets "
" Why? "
" Cause then I'd know I wasn't the one who did this to you "
He gently lifted my hand and kissed my wrists.
Tears fought against my lids threatening to break the barriers and fall suicidally downwards.
" please hate me , please walk away from me please " I begged in whispers.
His hand brushed past my ears and his fingers tangled themselves in my hair.
" I missed you "
Just like that , i fell downwards into my own lies I created for myself and him.
My head lowered, hiding the tears that were practically washing my face,
He gently pulled me towards him and i rested my head against his chest.
" I think I know you too well, to be able to see right pass all those painful words and realized what you were doing. To know you were probably hurting more than me "
Did i really want to go back now, after a week of failed pretense.
"Didn't you ever think for a second you saw wrongly , or were you so confident " i muttered.
" I think maybe , i was overly confident , but for the right reasons wouldn't you think so ? "
He ran his fingers through my hair combing them down wards, down my back before wrapping them around my shoulders.
" I know you must be going through a lot, I never thought it was easy to begin with but……………but if you think maybe you couldn't do it i don't mind "
"Do you really have to always be so fair, always put me first even if it was going to hurt you anyway"
"I could say the same for you "
" You're the celebrity , its going to be 10 times harder on you then me "
" But then when I see you………. "
" No " I pulled myself away " You know its not so simple , we've been through this , fought about this, cried about this. "
I felt him loosen his grip on my hand.
His hand brushed pass my cheek as he leaned in a kissed me gently where his hand was. The kiss faint but the feeling lingering like a ghost.
" I love you " he whispered , so soft i almost missed it. Pulling away his eye were hidden under his fringe but a smile evident on his face. Then he walked out the door just as Sam came in with the nurse.
" Where are you going ? " she asked him. He muttered something to her but I couldn't hear anything. The nurse had walked towards me attempting to but the needle back in , but i refused , leaning closer to try and pick up anything. Nothing.
" Miss I need to attach the drip…"
" Give me a second " I got up from the bed and walked towards the door but he was gone. Sam was walking towards me with a mixed expression on her face.
" Why did you ? "
" Sam? "
" He was fighting all the way to the end, and you weren't going to ask him to stay? "
" You know this is not ……. "
" You were the one who told me to stay with Hongki , to believe him and be with him , and what are you doing to Jinki ?! "
" Sam , have you seen Jinki recently ? He's tired , sick , frail and yet he has to put in more energy to hide it . Without me he has enough to deal with , the group , the work, schedules "
" Have you really seen him everytime he sees you , that sickeningly sweet smile on his face, the way his eye spark with energy and life when you're near him , they way he could work all night endlessly just to see you on time the next morning like you both promised , or the way he beats himself up after each fight screaming to the empty space around him how he was not good enough for you , Have you? "
My brain digger for an answer but nothing seemed appropriate
" Have you seen the way he ran here when he heard you collapsed, or the way he cried last week when you told him you wanted it over "
I must have screwed up big time and finally realized it because i pushed pass her and ran out the door, I swear i saw a smile on her face.
The corridor was empty.
Jinki I muttered to myself and ran towards the lift.
" Jinki ! "
The guy stopped in his tracks, his hand brushing pass his face before he turned to me.
" Hey "
" hey " i muttered back softly.
" You should go in and rest , its kinda chilly at the corridors " he laughed a little and it hurt , cause i knew he was trying to hide his pain.
I walked towards him. What was i suppose to say now?
keeping quiet i wrapped my hands around him underneath his jacket , it was so warm. My tears fell uncontrollably, my body shaking with sobs.
He held me against him, whispering all his love into my hair.
" I'm sorry " i muttered in-between breaths.
" Don't be "
and i cried harder , cause really what was i thinking to leave him.
" and never think you're not good enough for me , you're perfect so give yourself more credit " i finished.