Life in the slow lane
I’m back in America now after a great trip to Doha. I was there five weeks, and I really enjoyed it. I rode a camel, traveled to Dubai, and spent time on a beach. I had perfect timing, too: I was there all March, so Qatar wasn’t that hot yet, and I missed Colorado’s snowiest month of the year. Of course, that didn’t keep a foot and a half of snow from dumping into Denver two days after I got back. Still, I’m glad to be back here. I’m living with my brother Kevin, which has been good. Though we’ve had a few bumps, he’s a fun guy to be around, and the two of us get along pretty well.
I’m glad to finally be in one place for a while. For the past five months, I haven’t been able to really settle into any place. When I was in the Springs, I was working up here, so I knew I’d move, so I didn’t try to settle in the Springs. I moved up here, and two weeks later was in Qatar. Now, finally, I’m back. Five months is a long time to be drifting. I know I became pretty sick of it. Now I can finally make some friends here, invite people over for dinner, and even look for a church!
I still miss Holland, and nary a day goes by I don’t think of it. I miss my friends there so much; I still don’t feel like there’s anyone I can really talk to over here. I miss playing voetbal with Sam, Jonas, and everyone else who came out. I miss going over to the girl’s apartment to hang out and play with Bigera (their cat). I get fairly lonely over here. I miss the Zolder, and everything I did there. I don’t know how many people I told, but just before I left, during that brief, beautiful week when I thought I was going to be able to stay, I started thinking about what I should do in Holland, and I came up with a number of things that I really got excited about. I wanted to start an outreach class. I wanted to have a bigger part in organizing prayer. In fact, I had so much I wanted to do, I realized I would permanently have to step out of the multi-media ministry (or Beamer 50, as I liked to call it) which I had been leading since before the Rock began.
Now… now I don’t really have any direction, and of all the things I have to bear with, that is among the hardest. For the past several years, I always knew what the next step would be. I always had a goal; I always had something concrete to work toward. Right now, about all I have is to find a church. So if it’s not a Sunday, there’s not a whole lot I can do. And even with that, I feel at such a loss as to how to go about looking. Everywhere I go, I don’t feel that I fit in, and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to fit in. Everywhere I go feels uncomfortable. This, of course, is a part of culture shock, and it doesn’t come unexpectedly. But that still doesn’t make it easy.
Uncharacteristically, my quiet times have become shaky and inconsistent. I don’t spend as much time with God as I used to in Amsterdam. Often, I’ll pray for a little while and suddenly run out of things to say. Sometimes, I feel that’s fine: a short time with God can be enough somestimes. But it's not unusual now for me to want to spend more time, and I just… don’t know what to do. Also, the doors in my new place carry sound pretty well, so praying has been a bit awkward occasionally. I prefer to pray out loud, in a normal speaking voice, but I get too self-conscious if I know someone else can hear me. I know I’ll get used to it soon enough. At least I’ve been reading the Bible more regularly. I’ve also recently become convicted about the importance of spending time with God, so I’m confident this is getting better. I still have to fight against complacency, an enemy I haven’t seen since before I left for Holland. I suppose some of that is bound up with my lack of direction, so hopefully this will all get easier once I have some.
I have to remind myself that this must be God’s plan for me, and he brought be back to America for a reason. It’s not something I think of often, though I know I should. However, I have recently experienced having a profound sense of gratitude. I have been so lucky to have been able to have the life I have had. I have a good family, I met some incredible people in college through whom I started this spiritual journey, which has led me to start a church in Fort Collins, and one in Amsterdam, where I had the privilege of living and working with the best people I have ever known. Most of all, I know I enjoy an unusually powerful relationship with God that few people ever experience. Well, most of the time, anyway. Even in my worst times here, I have never lost that feeling that I am somehow unusually blessed, and I am grateful for all God and others have given me.
On to less serious subjects. I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I’m not sure why; I’ll go to bed on time, wake up eight or so hours later, and be fairly tired. I seem to dream a lot, and sleep fitfully, so I wake up often during the night. I’ve had insomnia several times since arriving in the US, where I’ll wake up, and feel my heart beating just a bit too hard for me to go to sleep again. Sometimes it can last hours, though usually it’s less than an hour.
I’ve had to get used to cooking in America. Over here, you can’t buy Chicken Tonight, you can’t buy Pannekoeken mix, and you can’t buy a number of other things I used to cook that I can’t even remember the names for. But, with some help from my brother and some recipes from my folks, I’ve managed to make a few decent meals. It’s just so much easier here to buy some sort of ready-made food and eat like your typical bachelor. It makes be feel lazy, but often I just don’t have time for real cooking.
The new excitement in my life is I have just purchased a new car! By that, of course, I mean a used car I simply didn’t own yet. Sometimes, it still feels strange to even be driving cars; let alone owning one.
So that’s my life in a nutshell. It’s not bad, but I’m definitely ready for a change. It’s time to change lanes.
Shawn
I’m glad to finally be in one place for a while. For the past five months, I haven’t been able to really settle into any place. When I was in the Springs, I was working up here, so I knew I’d move, so I didn’t try to settle in the Springs. I moved up here, and two weeks later was in Qatar. Now, finally, I’m back. Five months is a long time to be drifting. I know I became pretty sick of it. Now I can finally make some friends here, invite people over for dinner, and even look for a church!
I still miss Holland, and nary a day goes by I don’t think of it. I miss my friends there so much; I still don’t feel like there’s anyone I can really talk to over here. I miss playing voetbal with Sam, Jonas, and everyone else who came out. I miss going over to the girl’s apartment to hang out and play with Bigera (their cat). I get fairly lonely over here. I miss the Zolder, and everything I did there. I don’t know how many people I told, but just before I left, during that brief, beautiful week when I thought I was going to be able to stay, I started thinking about what I should do in Holland, and I came up with a number of things that I really got excited about. I wanted to start an outreach class. I wanted to have a bigger part in organizing prayer. In fact, I had so much I wanted to do, I realized I would permanently have to step out of the multi-media ministry (or Beamer 50, as I liked to call it) which I had been leading since before the Rock began.
Now… now I don’t really have any direction, and of all the things I have to bear with, that is among the hardest. For the past several years, I always knew what the next step would be. I always had a goal; I always had something concrete to work toward. Right now, about all I have is to find a church. So if it’s not a Sunday, there’s not a whole lot I can do. And even with that, I feel at such a loss as to how to go about looking. Everywhere I go, I don’t feel that I fit in, and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to fit in. Everywhere I go feels uncomfortable. This, of course, is a part of culture shock, and it doesn’t come unexpectedly. But that still doesn’t make it easy.
Uncharacteristically, my quiet times have become shaky and inconsistent. I don’t spend as much time with God as I used to in Amsterdam. Often, I’ll pray for a little while and suddenly run out of things to say. Sometimes, I feel that’s fine: a short time with God can be enough somestimes. But it's not unusual now for me to want to spend more time, and I just… don’t know what to do. Also, the doors in my new place carry sound pretty well, so praying has been a bit awkward occasionally. I prefer to pray out loud, in a normal speaking voice, but I get too self-conscious if I know someone else can hear me. I know I’ll get used to it soon enough. At least I’ve been reading the Bible more regularly. I’ve also recently become convicted about the importance of spending time with God, so I’m confident this is getting better. I still have to fight against complacency, an enemy I haven’t seen since before I left for Holland. I suppose some of that is bound up with my lack of direction, so hopefully this will all get easier once I have some.
I have to remind myself that this must be God’s plan for me, and he brought be back to America for a reason. It’s not something I think of often, though I know I should. However, I have recently experienced having a profound sense of gratitude. I have been so lucky to have been able to have the life I have had. I have a good family, I met some incredible people in college through whom I started this spiritual journey, which has led me to start a church in Fort Collins, and one in Amsterdam, where I had the privilege of living and working with the best people I have ever known. Most of all, I know I enjoy an unusually powerful relationship with God that few people ever experience. Well, most of the time, anyway. Even in my worst times here, I have never lost that feeling that I am somehow unusually blessed, and I am grateful for all God and others have given me.
On to less serious subjects. I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I’m not sure why; I’ll go to bed on time, wake up eight or so hours later, and be fairly tired. I seem to dream a lot, and sleep fitfully, so I wake up often during the night. I’ve had insomnia several times since arriving in the US, where I’ll wake up, and feel my heart beating just a bit too hard for me to go to sleep again. Sometimes it can last hours, though usually it’s less than an hour.
I’ve had to get used to cooking in America. Over here, you can’t buy Chicken Tonight, you can’t buy Pannekoeken mix, and you can’t buy a number of other things I used to cook that I can’t even remember the names for. But, with some help from my brother and some recipes from my folks, I’ve managed to make a few decent meals. It’s just so much easier here to buy some sort of ready-made food and eat like your typical bachelor. It makes be feel lazy, but often I just don’t have time for real cooking.
The new excitement in my life is I have just purchased a new car! By that, of course, I mean a used car I simply didn’t own yet. Sometimes, it still feels strange to even be driving cars; let alone owning one.
So that’s my life in a nutshell. It’s not bad, but I’m definitely ready for a change. It’s time to change lanes.
Shawn