(no subject)
Title: Absolute Zero
Word Count: 1826
Rating: PG
Pairing: None
Disclaimer/Warnings: Uh - angsty stuff? OOC? Introspective-taunting crud?
Summary: Post-Impel Down, Ace is affected by Perona's ghosts. In a not-very-fun way. For scribe's challenge to me.
Can’t fight this off, can you?
Ace didn’t even think of trying.
That’s right. Put an enemy in front of you, and you can beat him senseless, but something you can’t hit or burn? You’re useless. Do you think you were made Division leader for your brains? No. You know you weren’t. You were loyal and useful and charismatic. That’s all.
No wonder you fucked up. Constantly.
Blackbeard? He was just the one that got the media interested. All those other screw-ups that never got reported, never got found out… you kept it quiet about those Government spies on your flagship, didn’t you? Didn’t even tell your precious senchou. Four months you trusted them, never even suspected them.
You’ve always trusted too easily where you shouldn’t have, and not enough where you should have. It’s one of your many failings.
Trust is a good thing, one tiny part of Ace’s mind whispered. It sounded far away. Where was he, anyway?
The Voice’s laugh was clear as it mocked him. Trust? A good thing? Only for those who deserve it, you pathetic excuse for a pirate. But you’re so damn stupid you keep making the same childish mistake over and over again, don’t you?
And you know why people keep using you, beating you? You do know. You just don’t want to admit it.
It’s because you’re weak, Ace.
It’s because you flaunt that stupid personality and try to make people focus on your body, but under all that gloss, you’re weak. Snivelling. A coward. You might not backstab, but that’s only because you’re too scared to. You wanted to take Blackbeard down from behind, but you didn’t, did you? Because you were too worried about what your so-called nakama would think of it.
You knew he’d murdered a Division leader already. You knew he’d only have grown better since then. You know he might beat you. And yet it wasn’t cockiness, confidence, honour or even your sheer, blatant stupidity that made you challenge him. It was because you’d rather risk losing your life than losing respect.
Like anyone respects you anyway?
Your whole life revolves around clinging on to any relationship you can, no matter how old or useless that relationship might be. Whitebeard isn’t your father. You know that. He’s a poor substitute for one, as well. Do you really think he loves you like a son? Loves any of his crew? If you died, all he’d do is avenge you and replace you. Do you believe he’d mourn you?
No. You don’t. You don’t fool anyone else, and you don’t fool yourself either. Can’t even admit the truth when you know it.
He wanted to deny it, wanted to make some point against the Voice, but the man didn’t know where he was, who he was, what was happening. There was only the Voice, and the Voice was Truth. He knew it, with every moment and inch that his heart sank and bile rose.
Your brother. Your dear, beloved little brother, whom you swore to always protect. You don’t need to protect him now. Give it another month and he’ll have a higher bounty than you. You know he’s already surpassed you, and it doesn’t make you proud, does it? You pretend it does, but you’re angry and ashamed. You’ll never be half as good as him, and he’s ten times as thick-headed as you could possibly be.
He doesn’t deserve it, does he. He never worked half as hard as you did. He has a crew that loves him and cares for him, a crew that doesn’t engage in petty in-fighting and political backstabbing like Whitebeard’s crew. You had to drag yourself up over the years, fighting tooth and nail to take your position.
And less than a year after your idiot brother steps off Windmill Island, he’s got a three hundred million bounty on his head, and has beaten two Shichibukai.
You couldn’t even take down one, and you’re three years older and a damn Logia.
He’s going to go far. Your name is going to be a footnote in history, and that’s only because you’re related to him.
He doesn’t need you. The only reason he gives a damn about you is because you’re his brother. If you weren’t, do you think he’d look twice at you? Bother to try and recruit you? Call you his friend?
No. Luffy respects, loves, strength and courage. You’re not strong, Ace. You know it. Everyone knows it. Anyone who was strong wouldn’t go around so hard trying to prove it.
Don’t have even the courage to find your own way, chase your own dream, do you? Too scared of failing, of falling short. That’s ridiculous. You’d fail no matter what you tried. At least you should try to fail at something you want to do.
This is why your father, grandfather, Shanks, will never care about you as much as they do for Luffy. You’re nothing but excess, Ace, something to compare your brother to. You‘re a prop. Your brother knew what he wanted to do with his life when he was seven. You only wanted to be a pirate so you wouldn’t be left behind, so you could make sure you were always ahead of him.
Because you saw his potential. You knew what would happen. And you tried to at least keep up with him, and all it’s done is make your failures more obvious.
Pathetic.
Isn’t it meant to be the younger sibling trying to live up to the older one? You couldn’t even get that right.
Your father - don’t struggle! You know you still think of him as that, much as you bitch and whine and deny it - your father met up with Luffy while he was still in East Blue. He saved his life. He came after the boy, abandoning his responsibilities as leader of the entire Revolution, just to see Luffy.
He wouldn’t do that for you. Wouldn’t pull a single string to help you while you were in Impel Down, would he?
You wanted him to. You’d never admit it, you coward, but you’re still a mewling child at heart, whimpering about ‘why your daddy doesn’t love you’. It’s sick. You think you’re unique? That you’re the only one in the world with abandonment issues?
So. Damned. Pathetic.
No wonder he doesn’t want to see you.
Grow up. Get some responsibility. That’s what anyone else would do. But you? You’re too scared, too arrogant, too caught up in your little angst-fest about the whole world owing you, and every murder and arson you commit being his fault.
No. It’s your fault. They’re your choices. But you can’t admit that, can you? Have to have someone else to take the blame. Unless you actually succeed at something, in which case it was all you.
Ace? No-one will ever give a shit about you unless they have to because you’re family or ‘nakama’.
You hear that? You hear the little quote marks I put around ‘nakama’? Of course you did. And you know why I did that, too. It’s because - wait for it…
You’ve.
Never.
Had.
Nakama.
Have you?
You’ve had crewmates. You’ve had acquaintances and drinking buddies and people who you’d let borrow your property. You’ve had fuck buddies when you were at sea and there weren’t whores to use or bars to pick up one-night-stands in.
You’ve even had a couple who’d you go so far as to call ‘friend’, but they don’t last long, do they? You dump too much on them. They call you ‘friend’ and instantly you’d give your life for their merest whim, and they can’t handle that. It scares them.
You know why?
Because they’re actually fucking sane.
You’re not normal, Ace.
You’re not sane.
Functionally? Oh, you can play the part. Talk the talk, walk the walk, and all that. No-one will see it unless they’re damn observant.
But I know, Ace. Because I’m you, and you know, too.
You know that your life is a ridiculously simple spiral of denial and abandonment issues and your thirst to prove you’re not completely useless. You know your mania and your depression aren’t the normal, shallow instances like everyone else’s. You know the narcolepsy isn’t a physical issue, because you never had it until you wanted to try and get your grandfather’s attention - can we say ‘psychosomatic’?
You know no-one else is so stupidly, blindly, pointlessly loyal. It’s not just to Whitebeard and your family either is it? Even though you’ve murdered people just for insulting them - and yes, you know it’s murder, not simple killing. Were they threatening you or them? No. But you did it anyway, didn’t you. Some you did with your heart made of ice, and some you didn’t realise until the red haze cleared.
And then you burned the blood away and hid the bodies. And ran, ran, ran away. Because you’re too scared to even let people see your crimes, aren’t you? You try and put on this act of ‘big, bad pirate’ or ‘just a nice guy who happens to like freedom, really’ and all it depends on is who’s around at the time. You can’t have it both ways, Ace. But you’re too scared of upsetting Luffy by letting him see what you really are, aren’t you? Too afraid of disgusting your grandfather. Or ruining any chance you might have to make your father say he’s proud of you.
You don’t give a shit about people, no matter how you pretend to, or how much you wish you could. You try and have friends, mimic all the actions you see others perform. It’s funny to watch you faking, though. You don’t know how far to go, when to stop. You’re not sane, Ace.
You could be. If you stopped lying. If you stopped the Big Act. You could have been Division leader a year earlier if you just admitted how ruthless you really are, if you used half your intelligence. But no. You have to play the nice guy. You have to let the civilians or Marines go if you don’t need to kill them. You have to go out of your way to be nice and friendly to your ‘nakama’, even when Marco or Jozu would be cracking a bone or two of their crew to make a point.
And then you turn around and start bitching that none of it’s your fault.
You’re a coward, Ace. Your dagger’s in your hand, you know. Use it. End it.
Prove you’re not a coward.
Prove you really do want to make the world a better place.
Make sure you can’t fall or fail any further. That you won’t ever have to see Luffy looking at you with pity, or your grandfather turning from you in scorn, or your father not even noticing you.
Prove you’re not pathetic, Ace.
He did.
Oh, lol. Can you tell I've been depressed lately?
Word Count: 1826
Rating: PG
Pairing: None
Disclaimer/Warnings: Uh - angsty stuff? OOC? Introspective-taunting crud?
Summary: Post-Impel Down, Ace is affected by Perona's ghosts. In a not-very-fun way. For scribe's challenge to me.
Can’t fight this off, can you?
Ace didn’t even think of trying.
That’s right. Put an enemy in front of you, and you can beat him senseless, but something you can’t hit or burn? You’re useless. Do you think you were made Division leader for your brains? No. You know you weren’t. You were loyal and useful and charismatic. That’s all.
No wonder you fucked up. Constantly.
Blackbeard? He was just the one that got the media interested. All those other screw-ups that never got reported, never got found out… you kept it quiet about those Government spies on your flagship, didn’t you? Didn’t even tell your precious senchou. Four months you trusted them, never even suspected them.
You’ve always trusted too easily where you shouldn’t have, and not enough where you should have. It’s one of your many failings.
Trust is a good thing, one tiny part of Ace’s mind whispered. It sounded far away. Where was he, anyway?
The Voice’s laugh was clear as it mocked him. Trust? A good thing? Only for those who deserve it, you pathetic excuse for a pirate. But you’re so damn stupid you keep making the same childish mistake over and over again, don’t you?
And you know why people keep using you, beating you? You do know. You just don’t want to admit it.
It’s because you’re weak, Ace.
It’s because you flaunt that stupid personality and try to make people focus on your body, but under all that gloss, you’re weak. Snivelling. A coward. You might not backstab, but that’s only because you’re too scared to. You wanted to take Blackbeard down from behind, but you didn’t, did you? Because you were too worried about what your so-called nakama would think of it.
You knew he’d murdered a Division leader already. You knew he’d only have grown better since then. You know he might beat you. And yet it wasn’t cockiness, confidence, honour or even your sheer, blatant stupidity that made you challenge him. It was because you’d rather risk losing your life than losing respect.
Like anyone respects you anyway?
Your whole life revolves around clinging on to any relationship you can, no matter how old or useless that relationship might be. Whitebeard isn’t your father. You know that. He’s a poor substitute for one, as well. Do you really think he loves you like a son? Loves any of his crew? If you died, all he’d do is avenge you and replace you. Do you believe he’d mourn you?
No. You don’t. You don’t fool anyone else, and you don’t fool yourself either. Can’t even admit the truth when you know it.
He wanted to deny it, wanted to make some point against the Voice, but the man didn’t know where he was, who he was, what was happening. There was only the Voice, and the Voice was Truth. He knew it, with every moment and inch that his heart sank and bile rose.
Your brother. Your dear, beloved little brother, whom you swore to always protect. You don’t need to protect him now. Give it another month and he’ll have a higher bounty than you. You know he’s already surpassed you, and it doesn’t make you proud, does it? You pretend it does, but you’re angry and ashamed. You’ll never be half as good as him, and he’s ten times as thick-headed as you could possibly be.
He doesn’t deserve it, does he. He never worked half as hard as you did. He has a crew that loves him and cares for him, a crew that doesn’t engage in petty in-fighting and political backstabbing like Whitebeard’s crew. You had to drag yourself up over the years, fighting tooth and nail to take your position.
And less than a year after your idiot brother steps off Windmill Island, he’s got a three hundred million bounty on his head, and has beaten two Shichibukai.
You couldn’t even take down one, and you’re three years older and a damn Logia.
He’s going to go far. Your name is going to be a footnote in history, and that’s only because you’re related to him.
He doesn’t need you. The only reason he gives a damn about you is because you’re his brother. If you weren’t, do you think he’d look twice at you? Bother to try and recruit you? Call you his friend?
No. Luffy respects, loves, strength and courage. You’re not strong, Ace. You know it. Everyone knows it. Anyone who was strong wouldn’t go around so hard trying to prove it.
Don’t have even the courage to find your own way, chase your own dream, do you? Too scared of failing, of falling short. That’s ridiculous. You’d fail no matter what you tried. At least you should try to fail at something you want to do.
This is why your father, grandfather, Shanks, will never care about you as much as they do for Luffy. You’re nothing but excess, Ace, something to compare your brother to. You‘re a prop. Your brother knew what he wanted to do with his life when he was seven. You only wanted to be a pirate so you wouldn’t be left behind, so you could make sure you were always ahead of him.
Because you saw his potential. You knew what would happen. And you tried to at least keep up with him, and all it’s done is make your failures more obvious.
Pathetic.
Isn’t it meant to be the younger sibling trying to live up to the older one? You couldn’t even get that right.
Your father - don’t struggle! You know you still think of him as that, much as you bitch and whine and deny it - your father met up with Luffy while he was still in East Blue. He saved his life. He came after the boy, abandoning his responsibilities as leader of the entire Revolution, just to see Luffy.
He wouldn’t do that for you. Wouldn’t pull a single string to help you while you were in Impel Down, would he?
You wanted him to. You’d never admit it, you coward, but you’re still a mewling child at heart, whimpering about ‘why your daddy doesn’t love you’. It’s sick. You think you’re unique? That you’re the only one in the world with abandonment issues?
So. Damned. Pathetic.
No wonder he doesn’t want to see you.
Grow up. Get some responsibility. That’s what anyone else would do. But you? You’re too scared, too arrogant, too caught up in your little angst-fest about the whole world owing you, and every murder and arson you commit being his fault.
No. It’s your fault. They’re your choices. But you can’t admit that, can you? Have to have someone else to take the blame. Unless you actually succeed at something, in which case it was all you.
Ace? No-one will ever give a shit about you unless they have to because you’re family or ‘nakama’.
You hear that? You hear the little quote marks I put around ‘nakama’? Of course you did. And you know why I did that, too. It’s because - wait for it…
You’ve.
Never.
Had.
Nakama.
Have you?
You’ve had crewmates. You’ve had acquaintances and drinking buddies and people who you’d let borrow your property. You’ve had fuck buddies when you were at sea and there weren’t whores to use or bars to pick up one-night-stands in.
You’ve even had a couple who’d you go so far as to call ‘friend’, but they don’t last long, do they? You dump too much on them. They call you ‘friend’ and instantly you’d give your life for their merest whim, and they can’t handle that. It scares them.
You know why?
Because they’re actually fucking sane.
You’re not normal, Ace.
You’re not sane.
Functionally? Oh, you can play the part. Talk the talk, walk the walk, and all that. No-one will see it unless they’re damn observant.
But I know, Ace. Because I’m you, and you know, too.
You know that your life is a ridiculously simple spiral of denial and abandonment issues and your thirst to prove you’re not completely useless. You know your mania and your depression aren’t the normal, shallow instances like everyone else’s. You know the narcolepsy isn’t a physical issue, because you never had it until you wanted to try and get your grandfather’s attention - can we say ‘psychosomatic’?
You know no-one else is so stupidly, blindly, pointlessly loyal. It’s not just to Whitebeard and your family either is it? Even though you’ve murdered people just for insulting them - and yes, you know it’s murder, not simple killing. Were they threatening you or them? No. But you did it anyway, didn’t you. Some you did with your heart made of ice, and some you didn’t realise until the red haze cleared.
And then you burned the blood away and hid the bodies. And ran, ran, ran away. Because you’re too scared to even let people see your crimes, aren’t you? You try and put on this act of ‘big, bad pirate’ or ‘just a nice guy who happens to like freedom, really’ and all it depends on is who’s around at the time. You can’t have it both ways, Ace. But you’re too scared of upsetting Luffy by letting him see what you really are, aren’t you? Too afraid of disgusting your grandfather. Or ruining any chance you might have to make your father say he’s proud of you.
You don’t give a shit about people, no matter how you pretend to, or how much you wish you could. You try and have friends, mimic all the actions you see others perform. It’s funny to watch you faking, though. You don’t know how far to go, when to stop. You’re not sane, Ace.
You could be. If you stopped lying. If you stopped the Big Act. You could have been Division leader a year earlier if you just admitted how ruthless you really are, if you used half your intelligence. But no. You have to play the nice guy. You have to let the civilians or Marines go if you don’t need to kill them. You have to go out of your way to be nice and friendly to your ‘nakama’, even when Marco or Jozu would be cracking a bone or two of their crew to make a point.
And then you turn around and start bitching that none of it’s your fault.
You’re a coward, Ace. Your dagger’s in your hand, you know. Use it. End it.
Prove you’re not a coward.
Prove you really do want to make the world a better place.
Make sure you can’t fall or fail any further. That you won’t ever have to see Luffy looking at you with pity, or your grandfather turning from you in scorn, or your father not even noticing you.
Prove you’re not pathetic, Ace.
He did.
Oh, lol. Can you tell I've been depressed lately?