CRACK
More Corpirate crack-fics I've dredged up, because it's been ages and I keep meaning to post these. Random few, in no order.
++++++++++++
DAYS OF OUR GRAND LINE
Series 8, episode 14: 'The Mysterious Thief of Mystery (and Theft)'
[A narrow corridor on WB's FLAGSHIP; ACE walks up to a door and just reaches for the handle when it quickly opens, revealing MARCO. The two PIRATES stare at each other, the silence only broken by MARCO dropping a cannonball, which crashes through the floor]
ACE: … Marco, are you stealing supplies again?
MARCO: No! Why would you suggest that? Did someone say that I was? Who said that?
ACE: You just dropped a cannonball. And you're holding a duffle bag, which - judging from the massive bulges and the unzipped top - contains the latest supply of toilet rolls. Do I want to know why you went for those?
MARCO: I - I was just looking around. I must have forgotten to put them back down.
ACE: Marco, I know you're upset about those mandatory medicals. That doesn't give you the right to take everything not nailed down. Are you the reason no-one can find any paperclips?
MARCO: (bursts into tears) No-one understands me! I can't help my kleptomania! It's a legacy of my life on the streets!
ACE: You were middle-class before you became a pirate.
MARCO: My mother never loved me!
ACE: That has nothing to do with it.
[ACE sighs and rubs his forehead]
ACE: Look. You put everything back - including the stapler that's hanging out of your pocket - and I'll schedule an appointment with the ship's therapist, okay?
MARCO: (sniffing) Al- all right. Thank you.
ACE: And I mean put everything back. Even the stuff you've already hidden away.
[MARCO nods glumly and vanishes back into the SUPPLY ROOM. He leaves again, not laden down with stolen property, and trudges off, dabbing at his eyes with a pink handkerchief with WB's symbol on it. ACE watches him go]
ACE: Heh. Taking down the competition, one fake sincerity act at a time. Shit, I'm good.
[ACE enters the SUPPLY ROOM, and comes out moments later with two cannonballs and a box of Post-It Notes. He whistles happily as he walks away]
-
[LATER: WB FLAGSHIP THERAPIST OFFICE. A bespectacled (and stunning) woman in a suit takes notes and looks attentive as MARCO, lying on a couch, alternately speaks and sobs]
MARCO: - and then Blackbeard stole my teddy-bear!
DOCTOR: And how did that make you feel?
MARCO: Kind of turned-on, actually.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Location: WB's FLAGSHIP. The boardroom, again. Everyone looks incredibly bored, while a MAN at the far end of the table uses a pointer to tap various places on a large GRAPH on the wall. He has obviously been speaking for some time]
MAN: - and that's why you should make me Emperor, and toss Whitebeard overboard. Any questions?
WB: Yes. Did you realise I'm in the room?
MAN: Ha! Oh, you are a joker, bastard. Sorry, I mean senchou. I always get those words confused. Any serious questions?
[ACE snores in the background]
MARCO: Ace, we know you're faking. When you really sleep, you look dead. Corpses don't snore.
JOZU: Er, I have a question.
MAN: Raise your hand first.
[JOZU looks around sheepishly before tentatively raising his hand]
MAN: Yes, weakling? Sorry, I mean, 3rd Division Commander. I always get those words confused.
JOZU: Yeah, I was wondering; do you have any... I don't know... ulterior motive for suggesting we kill senchou and Ace? I mean, it's one thing to search for One Piece for senchou, but I don't see what we can gain by looking for some Devil Fruit for you.
MAN: It's destiny. And I don't like that scumbag. Sorry, I mean 'new 2nd Division Commander'. I always get those words confused.
MARCO: I don't think just saying it's 'destiny' is a very good reas-
[The MAN claps his hands over his ears and shuts his eyes]
MAN: LA LA LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
ACE: Will you tone it down? I'm trying to sleep here!
[The MAN uncovers his ears and glares at ACE]
MAN: Scumbag! I mean - 2nd Division Commander! Please remember your place, here. You are merely an unworthy, arrogant fool, lacking in the talent and good looks of which I have in abundance, and I; why, I am Magical Darkness Shichibukai Backstabber-chan.
WB: No, you're here for your yearly review.
ACE: You're going down in my notes as 'Watches too much magical-girl anime'.
MAN: Shut up! You don't appreciate the power of my Unholy Midnight Beam! I may not have it yet, but I will - oh, yes, I will. And when I do, you'll all pay. Starting with you, scumbag! Sorry, 2nd Division Commander!
[The MAN throws his pointer at WB and flounces out of the BOARDROOM. A pregnant pause follows]
THATCH: I have a bad feeling about him
MARCO: Oh, please. Teach's harmless.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
[WB’s FLAGSHIP; a younger ACE is sitting on deck, engrossed in a copy of ‘Tableware of Recent Centuries, Volume III’. Another PIRATE approaches him]
PIRATE: Ace-kun? We need to talk.
ACE: Oh god - you’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?
PIRATE: … What? We barely know each other!
ACE: Right, sorry. Flashbacks to high school. I still remember the prom… never did get all that pig’s blood out…
[He stares wistfully into the distance for a moment, while the other PIRATE edges backwards slightly, looking worried]
ACE: Oops! Happened again. Sorry. What was it you wanted?
PIRATE: Uh - right. Look, as Captain of your own ship, it’s understood you have to keep an eye on the education of the pirate apprentices, right? Make sure they can read, write, know basic navigation, stuff like that.
ACE: Yeah, I know. I’ve checked, and the two on my ship are doing fine.
PIRATE: I’m aware of that. Generally though, the Captain takes over a couple of lessons themselves, to get to know the apprentices better. Builds bonds and all that. Anyway, Commander Doomstab -
ACE: [Changes a snort of laughter into a cough]
PIRATE: Oh, you’ll get over her name in time. Or she’ll kill you. Either one. Anyway, the Commander’s drawn up a list of possible lessons she wants you to give the apprentices. Just pick one, spend a few hours with them until they’re reasonably competent, and call it a job well done. It goes on your yearly appraisal, and you get a bonus.
ACE: Ooh, nice.
[ACE takes the LIST of potential subjects proffered, and looks over it.]
ACE: [frowning] These ideas are a bit… odd, don’t you think?
PIRATE: Commander Do- I mean, the Commander said that she was revamping our training system. Something about more useful skills.
ACE: How is Ballroom Dancing more useful?
PIRATE: Uh - agility, rhythm and balance. Very important in fights.
ACE: Art Appreciation?
PIRATE: Makes figuring out what to steal easier.
ACE: Flower arranging?
PIRATE: … Classified.
ACE: [Shrugging] Huh. Well, if you’re sure… orders are orders, I guess. I’ll just pick one and go look for the kids.
[ACE gets up, tosses the tableware BOOK overboard, and wanders off, still studying the list. The PIRATE watches him go, face blank, while PIRATE 2 walks up and stands by him]
PIRATE 2: Do you think he’ll figure out we’re hazing him before or after he makes the apprentices think he’s a complete moron?
PIRATE: I don’t think he’ll figure it out at all. He’s an idiot. Anyway, have you seen my book on tableware?
-
[Later; ACE is standing in front of a swiftly moving RIVER, staring mournfully at a point halfway across it, where something’s THRASHING is beginning to wane]
ACE: Well, crap. Maybe I should have narrowed the list down to something other than Synchronised Swimming?
[A CHILD’S arm reaches desperately above the water for a second, before finally disappearing. ACE sighs]
ACE: I just know this is gonna go on my permanent record. Damn Devil Fruit.
-
[2nd DIVISION FLAGSHIP; COMMANDER DOOMSTAB’s OFFICE. ACE is standing in front of a large desk, looking guilty. On the other side sits a short, wrinkled OLD LADY wearing a pink cardigan and a pair of thick glasses. She looks very, very unhappy. A lot.]
DOOMSTAB: Pwecisely why, my Wittle Ace-chan, have two of our Appwentices gone missing?
ACE: Uh… well, ma’am, it’s a funny story. You see, there was this Marine. In fact, a ship of Marines. A flying ship. Commanded by Sengoku!
DOOMSTAB: Mm. Would you wike to know, Wittle Ace-chan, why we took upon ouwselves the name ‘Doomstab’?
[She gently places a large, rainbow-coloured knit-bag upon the desk, and withdraws from it a pair of extremely long, sharp KNITTING NEEDLES, one in each hand. DOOMSTAB proceeds to calmly look at ACE, stroking the NEEDLES lightly]
ACE: Ah - no?
DOOMSTAB: As Nursey always said to us, Wittle Ace-chan: Punishment is mandatory.
++++++++++++
DAYS OF OUR GRAND LINE
Series 8, episode 14: 'The Mysterious Thief of Mystery (and Theft)'
[A narrow corridor on WB's FLAGSHIP; ACE walks up to a door and just reaches for the handle when it quickly opens, revealing MARCO. The two PIRATES stare at each other, the silence only broken by MARCO dropping a cannonball, which crashes through the floor]
ACE: … Marco, are you stealing supplies again?
MARCO: No! Why would you suggest that? Did someone say that I was? Who said that?
ACE: You just dropped a cannonball. And you're holding a duffle bag, which - judging from the massive bulges and the unzipped top - contains the latest supply of toilet rolls. Do I want to know why you went for those?
MARCO: I - I was just looking around. I must have forgotten to put them back down.
ACE: Marco, I know you're upset about those mandatory medicals. That doesn't give you the right to take everything not nailed down. Are you the reason no-one can find any paperclips?
MARCO: (bursts into tears) No-one understands me! I can't help my kleptomania! It's a legacy of my life on the streets!
ACE: You were middle-class before you became a pirate.
MARCO: My mother never loved me!
ACE: That has nothing to do with it.
[ACE sighs and rubs his forehead]
ACE: Look. You put everything back - including the stapler that's hanging out of your pocket - and I'll schedule an appointment with the ship's therapist, okay?
MARCO: (sniffing) Al- all right. Thank you.
ACE: And I mean put everything back. Even the stuff you've already hidden away.
[MARCO nods glumly and vanishes back into the SUPPLY ROOM. He leaves again, not laden down with stolen property, and trudges off, dabbing at his eyes with a pink handkerchief with WB's symbol on it. ACE watches him go]
ACE: Heh. Taking down the competition, one fake sincerity act at a time. Shit, I'm good.
[ACE enters the SUPPLY ROOM, and comes out moments later with two cannonballs and a box of Post-It Notes. He whistles happily as he walks away]
-
[LATER: WB FLAGSHIP THERAPIST OFFICE. A bespectacled (and stunning) woman in a suit takes notes and looks attentive as MARCO, lying on a couch, alternately speaks and sobs]
MARCO: - and then Blackbeard stole my teddy-bear!
DOCTOR: And how did that make you feel?
MARCO: Kind of turned-on, actually.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Location: WB's FLAGSHIP. The boardroom, again. Everyone looks incredibly bored, while a MAN at the far end of the table uses a pointer to tap various places on a large GRAPH on the wall. He has obviously been speaking for some time]
MAN: - and that's why you should make me Emperor, and toss Whitebeard overboard. Any questions?
WB: Yes. Did you realise I'm in the room?
MAN: Ha! Oh, you are a joker, bastard. Sorry, I mean senchou. I always get those words confused. Any serious questions?
[ACE snores in the background]
MARCO: Ace, we know you're faking. When you really sleep, you look dead. Corpses don't snore.
JOZU: Er, I have a question.
MAN: Raise your hand first.
[JOZU looks around sheepishly before tentatively raising his hand]
MAN: Yes, weakling? Sorry, I mean, 3rd Division Commander. I always get those words confused.
JOZU: Yeah, I was wondering; do you have any... I don't know... ulterior motive for suggesting we kill senchou and Ace? I mean, it's one thing to search for One Piece for senchou, but I don't see what we can gain by looking for some Devil Fruit for you.
MAN: It's destiny. And I don't like that scumbag. Sorry, I mean 'new 2nd Division Commander'. I always get those words confused.
MARCO: I don't think just saying it's 'destiny' is a very good reas-
[The MAN claps his hands over his ears and shuts his eyes]
MAN: LA LA LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
ACE: Will you tone it down? I'm trying to sleep here!
[The MAN uncovers his ears and glares at ACE]
MAN: Scumbag! I mean - 2nd Division Commander! Please remember your place, here. You are merely an unworthy, arrogant fool, lacking in the talent and good looks of which I have in abundance, and I; why, I am Magical Darkness Shichibukai Backstabber-chan.
WB: No, you're here for your yearly review.
ACE: You're going down in my notes as 'Watches too much magical-girl anime'.
MAN: Shut up! You don't appreciate the power of my Unholy Midnight Beam! I may not have it yet, but I will - oh, yes, I will. And when I do, you'll all pay. Starting with you, scumbag! Sorry, 2nd Division Commander!
[The MAN throws his pointer at WB and flounces out of the BOARDROOM. A pregnant pause follows]
THATCH: I have a bad feeling about him
MARCO: Oh, please. Teach's harmless.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
[WB’s FLAGSHIP; a younger ACE is sitting on deck, engrossed in a copy of ‘Tableware of Recent Centuries, Volume III’. Another PIRATE approaches him]
PIRATE: Ace-kun? We need to talk.
ACE: Oh god - you’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?
PIRATE: … What? We barely know each other!
ACE: Right, sorry. Flashbacks to high school. I still remember the prom… never did get all that pig’s blood out…
[He stares wistfully into the distance for a moment, while the other PIRATE edges backwards slightly, looking worried]
ACE: Oops! Happened again. Sorry. What was it you wanted?
PIRATE: Uh - right. Look, as Captain of your own ship, it’s understood you have to keep an eye on the education of the pirate apprentices, right? Make sure they can read, write, know basic navigation, stuff like that.
ACE: Yeah, I know. I’ve checked, and the two on my ship are doing fine.
PIRATE: I’m aware of that. Generally though, the Captain takes over a couple of lessons themselves, to get to know the apprentices better. Builds bonds and all that. Anyway, Commander Doomstab -
ACE: [Changes a snort of laughter into a cough]
PIRATE: Oh, you’ll get over her name in time. Or she’ll kill you. Either one. Anyway, the Commander’s drawn up a list of possible lessons she wants you to give the apprentices. Just pick one, spend a few hours with them until they’re reasonably competent, and call it a job well done. It goes on your yearly appraisal, and you get a bonus.
ACE: Ooh, nice.
[ACE takes the LIST of potential subjects proffered, and looks over it.]
ACE: [frowning] These ideas are a bit… odd, don’t you think?
PIRATE: Commander Do- I mean, the Commander said that she was revamping our training system. Something about more useful skills.
ACE: How is Ballroom Dancing more useful?
PIRATE: Uh - agility, rhythm and balance. Very important in fights.
ACE: Art Appreciation?
PIRATE: Makes figuring out what to steal easier.
ACE: Flower arranging?
PIRATE: … Classified.
ACE: [Shrugging] Huh. Well, if you’re sure… orders are orders, I guess. I’ll just pick one and go look for the kids.
[ACE gets up, tosses the tableware BOOK overboard, and wanders off, still studying the list. The PIRATE watches him go, face blank, while PIRATE 2 walks up and stands by him]
PIRATE 2: Do you think he’ll figure out we’re hazing him before or after he makes the apprentices think he’s a complete moron?
PIRATE: I don’t think he’ll figure it out at all. He’s an idiot. Anyway, have you seen my book on tableware?
-
[Later; ACE is standing in front of a swiftly moving RIVER, staring mournfully at a point halfway across it, where something’s THRASHING is beginning to wane]
ACE: Well, crap. Maybe I should have narrowed the list down to something other than Synchronised Swimming?
[A CHILD’S arm reaches desperately above the water for a second, before finally disappearing. ACE sighs]
ACE: I just know this is gonna go on my permanent record. Damn Devil Fruit.
-
[2nd DIVISION FLAGSHIP; COMMANDER DOOMSTAB’s OFFICE. ACE is standing in front of a large desk, looking guilty. On the other side sits a short, wrinkled OLD LADY wearing a pink cardigan and a pair of thick glasses. She looks very, very unhappy. A lot.]
DOOMSTAB: Pwecisely why, my Wittle Ace-chan, have two of our Appwentices gone missing?
ACE: Uh… well, ma’am, it’s a funny story. You see, there was this Marine. In fact, a ship of Marines. A flying ship. Commanded by Sengoku!
DOOMSTAB: Mm. Would you wike to know, Wittle Ace-chan, why we took upon ouwselves the name ‘Doomstab’?
[She gently places a large, rainbow-coloured knit-bag upon the desk, and withdraws from it a pair of extremely long, sharp KNITTING NEEDLES, one in each hand. DOOMSTAB proceeds to calmly look at ACE, stroking the NEEDLES lightly]
ACE: Ah - no?
DOOMSTAB: As Nursey always said to us, Wittle Ace-chan: Punishment is mandatory.