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I FINALLY FOUND IT! That's right, folks - the CorPirate crack-fic you've not at all been waiting for...
The one with idiot!Marco! Or at least, more idiot than usual!Marco. Take your pick.
[Location: A small but pleasant CAFÉ. ACE walks in, looking bored, followed by MARCO, who chatters nineteen to the dozen.]
MARCO: - so then, of course, I took them all down by myself. Yup! All two hundred of them, in glorious combat. Couldn’t get to their queen, of course, she was too safely locked away, but -
ACE: Uhuh. Yeah. That’s nice.
[Glancing around the CAFÉ, ACE’s face lights up as he spots a shorter, familiar figure, sitting eating a large amount of food at the bar. He rushes over, MARCO trailing in his wake and still talking.]
ACE: Luffy!
LUFFY: [beaming] Ace!
MARCO: - all their soldiers swarming over me, trying to take me down, but I was all ‘Hell, no! You ain’t getting rid of a Whitebeard pirate -
ACE: Damn, it’s been too long! Where’s your crew?
LUFFY: Exploring! I was too, but then I got hungry.
ACE: This is the first island of the New World, Luffy; even you should stick with your Nakama around here. Hey, is that zebra haunch?
LUFFY: It’s mine.
ACE: I guessed by the way you were chewing on it.
MARCO: - so I was like, pow, zam, and they were all ‘Rargh, foolish human!’, and then -
LUFFY: Who’s that guy?
ACE: Oh, that’s just Marco. He’s meant to be my superior, or something. Just ignore him, and he’ll go off and sulk.
LUFFY: Ooohhh… he must be an important nakama to your sencho.
ACE: Um, no.
LUFFY: Really, really useful, then?
[The BROTHERS turn and look at MARCO, who has jumped on top of a TABLE, and is acting out his heroics]
ACE: Not really.
LUFFY: So he’s a mystery nakama?
ACE: Something like that. Look, honestly - just ignore him. He’s only doing this for attention. [ACE leans in to LUFFY and whispers] I think he has a crush on me.
[LUFFY’s jaw drops, and he stares back at THAT CRAZY PIRATE]
MARCO: - and then I kicked over the anthill! Ha! So I bet the queen died anyway. Then I finished off the survivors with my magnifying glass - it was a sunny day - until all the little bastards were frying -
LUFFY: He’s kind of weird.
ACE: Shh! Like I said, just ignore him, whatever he starts doing. So, how have you been getting along?
LUFFY: Great! It really sucked having to go through Mariejois again, but we kicked Kizaru’s ass this time. It was fun! Did you hear - um, Ace?
ACE: Yeah?
LUFFY: He’s making balloon animals.
ACE: Don’t look at him. Just keep talking.
LUFFY: But - but he’s looking this way… and… is this… what fear feels likes?
MARCO: - and with another twist, it becomes a sausage dog! A pink one! Then we take another balloon -
ACE: Don’t listen, Luffy. Just. Ignore. Him.
LUFFY: He keeps - staring. Not blinking. At us. I - I think I’m scared, Ace. I’ve never… felt this way before…
ACE: Um - are you sure? Not even when Gramps threw us in that volcano?
MARCO: - and look! Now I’m juggling five blades! Whilst dancing! Let’s see if I can keep it up if I have my eyes closed! -
LUFFY: No. I feel weird. Like my food’s trying to jump out of my stomach.
ACE: … what?
LUFFY: Like there’s butterflies trying to get out of me. And my heart’s going real fast. Whoah… am I sick?
ACE: In the head, possibly. Luffy, describe what you think about Marco. Now.
MARCO: - and now for a excerpt from ‘Swan Lake’. I will be playing the part of Dr. Frankenswan, during his final, tragic battle with Count Duckula -
LUFFY: [gazing rapturously at MARCO] I’ve never met anyone like him. He’s… perfect.
ACE: … Oh sweet fuck. Why didn’t I just let the Marines kill me?
LUFFY: Are you sure that nice Mr. Whitebeard guy wants to keep him? ‘Cause there’s always room on the Thousand Sunny…
ACE: Waiter! Bring me a barrel of your strongest booze!
LUFFY: [tugging on ACE’s sleeve] Big brother? Could you ask him if he likes me?
ACE: [to the WAITER] Make that two barrels.
MARCO: - at me! Ace, Ace, look at me! I’m dancing! Just for you! See, I can pirouette -
ACE: And a glass of cyanide.
WAITER: For you or the gentlemen dressed up like a ballerina?
ACE: I’ll decide when I’m done with the booze.
WAITER: Very good, sir.
[LUFFY continues staring at MARCO, half-dazedly, while the WAITER vanishes out back]
LUFFY: [whispers] I’m so… hungry… for his meat…
ACE: Screw it, I’m having the cyanide. Now.
The one with idiot!Marco! Or at least, more idiot than usual!Marco. Take your pick.
[Location: A small but pleasant CAFÉ. ACE walks in, looking bored, followed by MARCO, who chatters nineteen to the dozen.]
MARCO: - so then, of course, I took them all down by myself. Yup! All two hundred of them, in glorious combat. Couldn’t get to their queen, of course, she was too safely locked away, but -
ACE: Uhuh. Yeah. That’s nice.
[Glancing around the CAFÉ, ACE’s face lights up as he spots a shorter, familiar figure, sitting eating a large amount of food at the bar. He rushes over, MARCO trailing in his wake and still talking.]
ACE: Luffy!
LUFFY: [beaming] Ace!
MARCO: - all their soldiers swarming over me, trying to take me down, but I was all ‘Hell, no! You ain’t getting rid of a Whitebeard pirate -
ACE: Damn, it’s been too long! Where’s your crew?
LUFFY: Exploring! I was too, but then I got hungry.
ACE: This is the first island of the New World, Luffy; even you should stick with your Nakama around here. Hey, is that zebra haunch?
LUFFY: It’s mine.
ACE: I guessed by the way you were chewing on it.
MARCO: - so I was like, pow, zam, and they were all ‘Rargh, foolish human!’, and then -
LUFFY: Who’s that guy?
ACE: Oh, that’s just Marco. He’s meant to be my superior, or something. Just ignore him, and he’ll go off and sulk.
LUFFY: Ooohhh… he must be an important nakama to your sencho.
ACE: Um, no.
LUFFY: Really, really useful, then?
[The BROTHERS turn and look at MARCO, who has jumped on top of a TABLE, and is acting out his heroics]
ACE: Not really.
LUFFY: So he’s a mystery nakama?
ACE: Something like that. Look, honestly - just ignore him. He’s only doing this for attention. [ACE leans in to LUFFY and whispers] I think he has a crush on me.
[LUFFY’s jaw drops, and he stares back at THAT CRAZY PIRATE]
MARCO: - and then I kicked over the anthill! Ha! So I bet the queen died anyway. Then I finished off the survivors with my magnifying glass - it was a sunny day - until all the little bastards were frying -
LUFFY: He’s kind of weird.
ACE: Shh! Like I said, just ignore him, whatever he starts doing. So, how have you been getting along?
LUFFY: Great! It really sucked having to go through Mariejois again, but we kicked Kizaru’s ass this time. It was fun! Did you hear - um, Ace?
ACE: Yeah?
LUFFY: He’s making balloon animals.
ACE: Don’t look at him. Just keep talking.
LUFFY: But - but he’s looking this way… and… is this… what fear feels likes?
MARCO: - and with another twist, it becomes a sausage dog! A pink one! Then we take another balloon -
ACE: Don’t listen, Luffy. Just. Ignore. Him.
LUFFY: He keeps - staring. Not blinking. At us. I - I think I’m scared, Ace. I’ve never… felt this way before…
ACE: Um - are you sure? Not even when Gramps threw us in that volcano?
MARCO: - and look! Now I’m juggling five blades! Whilst dancing! Let’s see if I can keep it up if I have my eyes closed! -
LUFFY: No. I feel weird. Like my food’s trying to jump out of my stomach.
ACE: … what?
LUFFY: Like there’s butterflies trying to get out of me. And my heart’s going real fast. Whoah… am I sick?
ACE: In the head, possibly. Luffy, describe what you think about Marco. Now.
MARCO: - and now for a excerpt from ‘Swan Lake’. I will be playing the part of Dr. Frankenswan, during his final, tragic battle with Count Duckula -
LUFFY: [gazing rapturously at MARCO] I’ve never met anyone like him. He’s… perfect.
ACE: … Oh sweet fuck. Why didn’t I just let the Marines kill me?
LUFFY: Are you sure that nice Mr. Whitebeard guy wants to keep him? ‘Cause there’s always room on the Thousand Sunny…
ACE: Waiter! Bring me a barrel of your strongest booze!
LUFFY: [tugging on ACE’s sleeve] Big brother? Could you ask him if he likes me?
ACE: [to the WAITER] Make that two barrels.
MARCO: - at me! Ace, Ace, look at me! I’m dancing! Just for you! See, I can pirouette -
ACE: And a glass of cyanide.
WAITER: For you or the gentlemen dressed up like a ballerina?
ACE: I’ll decide when I’m done with the booze.
WAITER: Very good, sir.
[LUFFY continues staring at MARCO, half-dazedly, while the WAITER vanishes out back]
LUFFY: [whispers] I’m so… hungry… for his meat…
ACE: Screw it, I’m having the cyanide. Now.