Hi Live Journal, It's Been Awhile.
I'm stopping by to visit, because I'd like to write a bit, but I don't feel like hand writing anything, because I'm too busy wasting away in cyber space.
It hit me today that summer is approaching the down-hill. It also hit me today that I'm nearing the state of mind where I can consider myself "grown." I realize now that writing the phrase "grown" looks incredibly idiotic, but what I mean is I'm coming into a more complete mindset of independence. It's almost time to move out, and my mother is afflicted with the dreaded "empty-nest syndrome" (not to mention the myriad of other ailments she never dealt with) and the guilt she's spreading on is quite thick. And I catch myself feeling guilty when she's hard-timing me about leaving her and not being able to stand my family or even just staying out with friends for more than one night in a row. Truthfully, I know I don't need to feel guilty , I just let myself.
And I know that the only reason I feel bad is because she's lived a quite shitty life and all these feelings that overwhelm her are never going to be anything she will deal with in a healthy manner. Therefore, when she creates these scenarios in her world where I act as if I can't stand my family, I let myself feel guilty because I don't want to be another one of those departments in her life that cause her grief. But I'm figuring out now that, she's the one who has to change the way she feels about what I'm doing with my life and where I'm going, because I'm satisfied with the path I'm on so far. I can no longer tolerate her, "ignore it and it will go away" policy. She's ingrained this manner of dealing with life's problems in me. I'm understanding finally that nothing can be completely buried, the demons we've so desperately tried to suffocate and forget only rear their ugly heads in much more damaging ways. I've grown tired of and feel overwhelmed by it all, so she tells me "see a therapist."
Now, for a while I couldn't figure out why I was so adamantly against seeing a therapist, but it has dawned on me. Life isn't supposed to be easy and therapy is only going to be a crutch. I'm no longer telling myself that, "some stranger wont understand the inner-workings of me," instead I'm telling myself that: "Sure, therapy will work. It will probably be a great support system." So then, if that's the case then what is there to stop me from needing the support system of therapy for the rest of my life? I'm realizing now that there are other crutches in life that it will be more practical to lean on (and that don't charge by the hour).
This sudden flush of Live-Journaling is prompted by a conversation with my uncle that ended up a HUGE slosh and release of emotions on my part because I always go too long without calling him (because I always think he doesn't want me to call him if I'm pathetic and sad, but I know deep down that he wants to hear from me no matter how I'm feeling).
And his final statements were: "Do you know the old cliche about "draining the swamp?"
I laughed at this because it was a comforting and tender element of my southern roots and it made me feel nostalgic for my first functional and loving home . I told him I had never heard it so he went on to explain:
"Even if I don't say it to you every time we talk, I think you should always be draining the swamp. You're young and you're at the point in your life where you've got the opportunity to take things in any direction you want. Hell, you can even take it in seven different directions, because you're in your prime and you have time to turn shit around when you change your mind. It doesn't matter who's guilting you or who makes you feel upset. None of it matters right now, just drain the swamp. Wake up every day and make that day yours and no one else's. I'm not telling you to be selfish, I'm telling you to create your own reality and don't forget to drain the swamp. And here lately every time I call you, you're up to your ass in alligators. If you drain the swamp, the alligators wont come around."
Maybe this only makes sense to me, but I'm detailing it and bolding his advice while the conversation is still fresh in my head, if for no other reason than to look back on it and remind myself of a few things.
-end angst transmission
~ "Buy! Buy!" says the sign in the shop window. "Why? Why?" says the junk in the yard.