R to the A, repeat those once and what do you get?
I find it ironic every time you hugged me, especially that night when you came to me and said things about aaaww I'm going to miss them, khans..(Obviously. You're not the one who's having a hard time letting go). You're not going anywhere, right? (Sadly, no) Or aaww I hope we'll be in one class once again, for the 5th time in a row.(Honestly, I have to agree because we make such a great team..but I'm sure I'll regret it once you get all the attention) Pssh. Like you cared about me.
You're a nice person, really. It's your nature to be caring and soft and gullible and annoying, and I can't blame you for being like that. But the way you popped into my life claiming as a friend that bugs me. So, so much.
We play to each other's houses, I taught you the materials you didn't get and we studied together. You shared everything while we're together but ignores me when your other friends are around. You talked and even ASKED my opinions about your upcoming birthday which passed as one of your best nights ever by inviting only your bestest (is that even a word?) friends and I wasn't even there (heck, I didn't even know that she finally decides to celebrate it. My heart broke as I saw the pictures of from your fb.). We wrote songs together and won awards because of those, and the whole batch only knows that it's you, ONLY YOU, who wrote the song just because you snatched the front microphone all to yourself while I was screaming my lungs out because we were supposed to sing the higher parts as the background voices
And you wouldn't even finished the song without me composing the fucking chorus.
I can only smile at the back, smiling at how bitter my life had gone and how she, my so-called friend was the one who took my happiness and yet I still find myself comforting her whenever she was down, and I even supported her, I still gave her opinions and basically, advices. And advices were meant to make the person better.
(And I want her to jump all the way to the bottom, obviously.)
---
Sometimes, these thoughts forced their selves into my mind, drills into my consciousness as if they were asking for my attention. They always do that whenever I saw her laughing, singing in front of the stage, while I was supposedly standing at the very front of the stage as I promised her to be there to cheer her. (And she didn't even take a glance to where I was standing)
And that's how I get so moody. Right when I was supposed to treasure those moments as they are, actually the last time we seniors are going to spend together, the thoughts came up and I can't bring myself to stand up and cheer for the other bands. (Thank god I still have nasya for being my lazy-ass soulmate to accompany me)
My friends who actually noticed asked me why the hell are you so fricken down? And I swear my heart would jump from excitement from the acknowledgment that someone actually cared (oh my god that sounded pathetic) I answered, nothing.
Like, D U G H. Why the hell would I tell them? And most importantly, how? They've seen us as close friends, and telling them that I've been holding a grudge because she kept stealing my spotlight was just wrong. I'm not that kind of a selfish bitch (she is) no, really. I have this nature not to show my weakness to anyone, ever, and keep my true self hidden beneath a pretty shell. So there, I guess I'll just bury this whole shit and prays so she won't ever do something stupid and brings memory to me again
(and the painful truth is, I'm going to stick with her for another 3 fucking years)
-----
I want to tell her the whole bothersome truth. I want to, really. But it's just so fucking hard. Heck, I can't even say to my friends that I liked someone. I'm way scared to do that, I don't know why. The weird thing is, sometimes I find it so easy to blabber about my whole life (aside from my shitastic real problems) plus a tiny pinch of lies to someone. They just went out of my brain and mouth like flowing water.
I want to tell her something like:
Hey! Do you know that I've been holding a grudge against you? Well, I know you must be shocked to hear this from your so called one of your best friends, and I know that you feel like your amount of sins are not worse than those fucking angels, but hear this: I hate you for stealing my spotlight, I hate you for being such a nice friend, you even forgot to invite me to your birthday party, while I spotted some other people you invited who didn't even like you at that time.
I could've had sang on the stage but I don't have the support, darling. You have those bitches that support you. I was no one in their eyes. You were known as a girl who sings, who is so fricken slow and innocent, and you easily cry. I was known as a girl who tops the class, is a tiny bit friendly, who gets a little too cheap at times, who loves chocolates and koreans, and who abuses the reblog button on tumblr, a girl who used to be one of them.
Sometimes, I regret seeing that light. Sometimes, I regret seeing the true, happy, pure life outside of the circle. Yes. I regret being in a better life, having true friends than being with those bitches who used to be my friends. Well, sometimes. Why? Because if I'd stick to them until now, I would've get the support I needed, the spotlight I deserve to, alongside with you (and not behind you)
Sometimes, I feel like I would just move out to another high school just to have a brand new life without seeing you around.
But then the memories would flash in front of my eyes, and I saw once again like it was really there in front of me, the happy, sad times we shared together.
And you know why I hate you the most? Because I can't seem to really hate you because you were, you are my friend after all.
(Well, I'm not sure you really, truthfully classify me as your friend, but after all the things that I did to you, I'll mutilate you into pieces if you didn't thank me as a friend)
---
So yeah. That was all I wanted to say to you. I know I sounded like a bitch but really, what can I do to ease the pain? All I can do is to write all the things I wanted to say. Write. And I can't actually post this to my fucking blog. It would be downright controversial. So I put this in my journal instead :)
I'm hoping that you would see this someday though.
Maybe, I will give you this link.
Maybe.
I just have to wait 3 more years until we're not going to see each other everyday
You're a nice person, really. It's your nature to be caring and soft and gullible and annoying, and I can't blame you for being like that. But the way you popped into my life claiming as a friend that bugs me. So, so much.
We play to each other's houses, I taught you the materials you didn't get and we studied together. You shared everything while we're together but ignores me when your other friends are around. You talked and even ASKED my opinions about your upcoming birthday which passed as one of your best nights ever by inviting only your bestest (is that even a word?) friends and I wasn't even there (heck, I didn't even know that she finally decides to celebrate it. My heart broke as I saw the pictures of from your fb.). We wrote songs together and won awards because of those, and the whole batch only knows that it's you, ONLY YOU, who wrote the song just because you snatched the front microphone all to yourself while I was screaming my lungs out because we were supposed to sing the higher parts as the background voices
And you wouldn't even finished the song without me composing the fucking chorus.
I can only smile at the back, smiling at how bitter my life had gone and how she, my so-called friend was the one who took my happiness and yet I still find myself comforting her whenever she was down, and I even supported her, I still gave her opinions and basically, advices. And advices were meant to make the person better.
(And I want her to jump all the way to the bottom, obviously.)
---
Sometimes, these thoughts forced their selves into my mind, drills into my consciousness as if they were asking for my attention. They always do that whenever I saw her laughing, singing in front of the stage, while I was supposedly standing at the very front of the stage as I promised her to be there to cheer her. (And she didn't even take a glance to where I was standing)
And that's how I get so moody. Right when I was supposed to treasure those moments as they are, actually the last time we seniors are going to spend together, the thoughts came up and I can't bring myself to stand up and cheer for the other bands. (Thank god I still have nasya for being my lazy-ass soulmate to accompany me)
My friends who actually noticed asked me why the hell are you so fricken down? And I swear my heart would jump from excitement from the acknowledgment that someone actually cared (oh my god that sounded pathetic) I answered, nothing.
Like, D U G H. Why the hell would I tell them? And most importantly, how? They've seen us as close friends, and telling them that I've been holding a grudge because she kept stealing my spotlight was just wrong. I'm not that kind of a selfish bitch (she is) no, really. I have this nature not to show my weakness to anyone, ever, and keep my true self hidden beneath a pretty shell. So there, I guess I'll just bury this whole shit and prays so she won't ever do something stupid and brings memory to me again
(and the painful truth is, I'm going to stick with her for another 3 fucking years)
-----
I want to tell her the whole bothersome truth. I want to, really. But it's just so fucking hard. Heck, I can't even say to my friends that I liked someone. I'm way scared to do that, I don't know why. The weird thing is, sometimes I find it so easy to blabber about my whole life (aside from my shitastic real problems) plus a tiny pinch of lies to someone. They just went out of my brain and mouth like flowing water.
I want to tell her something like:
Hey! Do you know that I've been holding a grudge against you? Well, I know you must be shocked to hear this from your so called one of your best friends, and I know that you feel like your amount of sins are not worse than those fucking angels, but hear this: I hate you for stealing my spotlight, I hate you for being such a nice friend, you even forgot to invite me to your birthday party, while I spotted some other people you invited who didn't even like you at that time.
I could've had sang on the stage but I don't have the support, darling. You have those bitches that support you. I was no one in their eyes. You were known as a girl who sings, who is so fricken slow and innocent, and you easily cry. I was known as a girl who tops the class, is a tiny bit friendly, who gets a little too cheap at times, who loves chocolates and koreans, and who abuses the reblog button on tumblr, a girl who used to be one of them.
Sometimes, I regret seeing that light. Sometimes, I regret seeing the true, happy, pure life outside of the circle. Yes. I regret being in a better life, having true friends than being with those bitches who used to be my friends. Well, sometimes. Why? Because if I'd stick to them until now, I would've get the support I needed, the spotlight I deserve to, alongside with you (and not behind you)
Sometimes, I feel like I would just move out to another high school just to have a brand new life without seeing you around.
But then the memories would flash in front of my eyes, and I saw once again like it was really there in front of me, the happy, sad times we shared together.
And you know why I hate you the most? Because I can't seem to really hate you because you were, you are my friend after all.
(Well, I'm not sure you really, truthfully classify me as your friend, but after all the things that I did to you, I'll mutilate you into pieces if you didn't thank me as a friend)
---
So yeah. That was all I wanted to say to you. I know I sounded like a bitch but really, what can I do to ease the pain? All I can do is to write all the things I wanted to say. Write. And I can't actually post this to my fucking blog. It would be downright controversial. So I put this in my journal instead :)
I'm hoping that you would see this someday though.
Maybe, I will give you this link.
Maybe.
I just have to wait 3 more years until we're not going to see each other everyday