I feel that you've always diminished me and held me at arms length. You always kind of kept me at arms length even before we started seeing each other last summer. Even last summer, I watched you try and diminish me as we were still seeing each other. You went from opening up to me, to kind of treating me like more of a sexual object. Almost like I ( Read more... )

you always made decisions on behalf of both of us ( Read more... )

I didn't really have any idea what would happen. We were on the same page before, we really were. The first time we had our video call, I felt nothing serious. The second time we had our call, where we confessed we liked/had crushes on each other always, it started to open me up. The second night I came over, the night you ripped my blue dress, ( Read more... )

I wish I could exist in this state for longer. The state where sleep and fatigue dulls my senses and thus my pain is more detached from me. I can type this right now without the heart wrenching agony of the day ( Read more... )

I just exist in the spaces between seeing you. I live in the moments when we’re together. You always made me feel so alive, even before we started this. So it’s only natural that I never really stood a chance against you when the moment came ( Read more... )

Interesting how time and maturity can shape experience. A younger me would've been wracked by confusion and heartache still. I half-joked with Branden that I would need 72 hours to process my feelings and it ended up being somewhat true. I can put the girlish romantizations aside now. There is some loss in that. The fire is gone, and he noticed ( Read more... )

Week 1: Initial meeting. Had our little spat in the evening, call to inquire about his feelings the next morning. He backtracks on his feelings and I say I am ready to close the book, he says "you are?" and we end call. Text him later, he calls saying that he overreacted, he's scared of an emotional connection, he's been pressured by his dad to ( Read more... )

It was so surreal coming back to my journal a couple of months ago to read what I wrote about him in 2016. How I was so shaken by our chemistry and our connection and fantasized about having him. I never would have imagined that four years later I would have had something with him and have had it ended ( Read more... )

Everything is a mess, but Branden ignites me. How can I exist in the space between now and then when my whole being is on fire.

i can't trust myself

drinking with you, i always

get in to trouble